New Forever (15 page)

I’ll eat tofu every day if I can wrap it up in some bacon. And, seriously, what’s better than a mushroom pizza topped with bacon? Or Italian sausage for that matter?

Not that Hayley’s ever fully committed to being a vegetarian. She loves Philly cheesesteaks far too much to give them up entirely. And when we go to a Cuban restaurant, she orders enough
croquettas
to feed a village.

I kick back my beer and watch a pre-recorded documentary about the sharks of Bimini. I want to take Hayley back to that small island and have another picnic on the beach with nothing but the stars above us and the ocean beside us. I’ve been learning about the constellations in my free time so I can point out a few stars with the telescope I have hidden in the closet we share.

It’s a good thing Hayley is such a slob, so that one more bagged box doesn’t raise any suspicions. I’d planned a weeklong trip to South Bimini months ago, but never solidified the trip. Now that we’re back together, I can start planning it again.

Well, kind of back together. We’re living under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, and are mainly hospitable toward one another, but there’s a distance between us that neither one of us knows to how close. The damnest part is that it’s all my doing. She was willing to take me back, even after I told her about my parents, but I can’t seem to let things go.

She hasn’t just accepted what I told her about my parents and Hannah’s death, but has tried to lift the weight I carry so it doesn’t continue to bury me. But I can’t let it go any more than I can let her go. I tried, God knows I tried, but she’s my weakness and I can’t live without her. Maybe with her help, I’ll be able to find a way to carry this guilt while keeping Hayley. I want to keep Hayley all to myself because I’m a selfish man and would have no qualms about destroying every relationship she goes into after me. There is no one for her after me—there’s only me. I can’t have it any other way.

Hayley thinks I’m noble, while Adam calls me stupid. I’m done being both or either. I gave up on us, refused to believe in her, yet she’s forgiven me without me even apologizing. But I don’t want to be someone who just utters the words ‘I’m sorry’. No, I want to be that guy that makes things up to her. She shouldn’t just accept me for the dysfunctional ass wipe that makes her cry and then waltzes back into her life.

She somehow sees the beauty in my dysfunction though. And she becomes alive whenever I surprise her with special outings so I’ll use both to my advantage. I know how to make her swoon and how to make her tremble. I’ll have her doing both before Dee and Adam’s wedding. Then I won’t have to spend sleepless nights lying next to her while I think about Hayley and her soft skin or how her body curves into mine perfectly as if she were my own personal missing puzzle piece. I won’t wake up with every noise that comes from her because I’ll be the one making her lips and body scream my name.

I adjust my pants when I hear Hayley’s key at the door and try to think about anything but the woman outside that door that makes my own body shout its declaration of unconditional love for her. I walk over to the door, ready to embrace the woman I love when she rushes in with a very large black beast by her side. I stop midstride and stare at the monster, who returns my stare without wavering.

“What’s that?” I ask her, pointing at her new companion.

“A dog,” she replies, walking past me with her arms full of dog food and bowls and a content look on her face.

“It has three legs.” I point to the obviously missing right hind leg.

“Yes,
he
does, but he’s strong and sweet as can be.”

There’s my girl, trying to save the world, one creature at a time. I just hope this three-legged beast hasn’t taken my place and that she still wants to save me.

“What kind of dog is he?” I crouch down to the dog’s level and let him smell my hand. When I’m certain he doesn’t want to take a chunk out of my hand, I pet his large head but back off when I hear him grumble.

“Good, he has your scent,” she chirps happily. “Now if you leave me again, he’ll know who to go all Cujo on.”

“Hayley.” I back away from both of them, not completely trusting her warped sense of humor.

“Relax,” she laughs. “He’s just a grumpy guy. The staff at the shelter told me he always grumbles when people pet him. He’s not growling at you.” She tries to appease me. “Trust me, you’ll know when he growls.”

I’m curious how she knows his growl and if she’d actually bring a beast that’s growled at her home, but let it slide. She’s a smart girl, she wouldn’t bring home a dog that growled at her. Right?

“So you got a dog?”

“Yep. I promised myself an ugly dog when I got back from Tampa but look at him! Isn’t he gorgeous?”

Sure. If you think the devil disguised as a three-legged dog is gorgeous.

“He’s got Lab in him?” I question.

“Yeah, and maybe some Great Dane.”

“You don’t think he’ll be cramped in an apartment.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Overcrowding? What are you really worried about?”

“Okay, be honest.” I grin. “Have you replaced me with a dog?”

“There’s no replacing you, Max.” Her voice is small and laced with hurt, but I’m not completely sure I was supposed to hear it so I don’t respond. Spineless, little bitch in a training bra, that’s me.

“What are we going to name him?” I make sure to add
we
so she knows I’m counting us as a unit.

“Nothing I’ve come up with seems to fit him.”

“I vote for Beast,” I tell her but she squishes her nose at me, not liking my suggestion. Okay, something more suited for a gentleman, perhaps? “How’d he lose his leg?”

“A car hit him.” She sits on the floor, taking the overgrown dog’s face in her hand and hugging him to her. “His previous family wanted to put him down, but the vet took ownership of him and saved his life, but couldn’t keep him so he gave him up to the shelter.”

“Now you’ve given him a second chance and are giving him a family.”

“A real family,” she agrees. “One that won’t desert him when shit gets real.” She looks at me pointedly and I bite the inside of my cheek, almost certain her words are for me.

“So he’s a survivor. He needs a strong name,” I say and she nods her head in agreement. “Janus,” I suggest, pronouncing it Jay-nus.

“Janus?” she lifts her eyebrows and I squirm under her watchful eyes. “That’s a chick’s name.”

“Janus is the God of beginnings and he’s getting a new beginning so…”

“Janus.” Hayley tries out the name and the big guy looks up at her with eyes that show the adoration he already has for her. “It’s perfect! We’ll just have to get him a super masculine collar so no one calls my big boy, a girl. Your name is Janus,” she tells the dog and he wags his tail. “Don’t thank me. Your poppa picked it out.”

Poppa, huh? I can live with being an oversized three-legged beast of a dog’s Poppa so long as Hayley is the Momma.

Janus and I follow Hayley into the kitchen and, knowing Hayley would have eaten with Dee, I make myself a sandwich, and solidify my friendship with Janus when I throw him a few scraps of lunch meat. After picking up my mess and finding a light green apple, I sit at our kitchen bar and eat my dinner while I watch Janus acquaint himself with our apartment.

Already, I like the dog. He’s brought a sense of ease into our tense apartment. He’ll make a good jogging partner, too, once we know each other better. I’ll start taking him on walks tomorrow to make sure he’s good on a leash and get his muscles used to exercise.

I stop chewing for a second when I wonder if I’ll end up being one of those guys that requests joint custody over the dog if Hayley and I do split up. The thought of losing Hayley terrifies me so I push it out of my mind and instead focus on Janus and our new beginnings.

“I want to meet your parents,” Hayley blurts out, making me choke on my sandwich. Well, there’s one new beginning I didn’t see coming.

I continue to cough while Hayley shoves a glass of water into my hand and tears stream down my cheek. Meet my parents? I’d rather choke on this damn sandwich and die an untimely death. I take slow, deep breaths while Hayley rubs my back until I’m sure I’ll live to have another bite. But instead of taking another bite, I toss what’s left of my sandwich to Janus, further gaining his loyalty, and stare at Hayley who has begun rummaging through the kitchen drawers, probably trying to find my already shattered heart.

“My parents, Hayley?” I ask, not understanding why she’d want to put either one of us through that.

Maybe she really did mean what she said and she only had me move in with her to placate Dee until her wedding day. Why else would she ask me to do something she has to know would ruin our already unsteady relationship?

Hayley takes my face in her hands and kisses me softly, making me forget why I’d ever deny her anything.

“Yes,” she says simply.

And I know without a fraction of a doubt, I’ll give her anything, even if it means I have nothing left inside of me. I don’t want to see my family. I don’t want to be reminded of all that I left behind—the good or the bad, but I’ll willingly do it for Hayley.

But none of this is about me. It’s about her and Hannah and finding a closure I can’t give either of them.

“Okay,” I whisper with a hesitant nod and I take my eyes off of her before I continue. “After the wedding.” I’m not sure why I want to wait that long, only that I want to stay in her life a little while longer.

She smiles back at me, obviously happy and untroubled. While her smile once only brought me joy, now that joy is mixed with guilt. She hasn’t let go of Hannah’s death like she had told me to do. She holds onto it and her sister with the same ferocity I do. And I wonder, if I will ever get to experience her smile and her laughter without the accompany guilt. Without the cost she told I was not indebted to.

I walk out of the kitchen quietly after I throw the remainder of my trash away and sit on our couch, not really paying attention to whatever is on the television. When Hayley joins me, I purse my lips together and get up to take a shower, but am careful not to look at her as I leave. Looking at her would be my undoing and I can’t be undone until Hayley finds her peace.

That night I lie on the couch while Janus takes up what should be my side of the bed and no matter how hard I try, I can’t turn off my brain. Everything about my life comes full circle, always stopping with Hannah. If it weren’t for Hannah, I would never have left my parents’ house and wound up institutionalizing myself out of hunger. I wouldn’t have dealt with the hardships of life, but I also would never have met Hayley. Hayley would have gone about her life, living it to the fullest and would never have needed help from a psychiatric facility. I would never have even been a blimp on her radar.

The good and the bad, they all come back to Hannah, and as screwed up as it is, a big part of me is grateful for everything that led to putting Hayley in my life—even Hannah’s death.

While I don’t find much peace in my thinking, I do manage to fall asleep. And in my frustrated state, I find a release for all the tension I hole up inside of me. I find Hayley, always Hayley. She’s beautiful in a way that is uniquely hers. Her laughter fills every gaping hole inside of me. And when she touches me, when she presses her soft lips to my skin, I tremble much the same way I yearn to make her tremble. Only she stays just out of my grasp, teasing me and leaving me wanting and with my blood pulsing throughout my veins.

I wake up on a frustrated groan, knowing this woman will be my absolute destruction. With my mind scrambled and my balls turning blue, I tiptoe into our bedroom and let myself into our bathroom where I damn myself for falling in love with a woman who is sleeping just a few feet away from me, but might as well be living on another planet. After I turn on the water and step into the shower, I take my dick in my hand and imagine her long fingers around it as her lips curl over it, licking and sucking the tip. My strokes become furious as I picture grabbing the back of her head and stroking my fingers through her wet hair. On a curse that vibrates throughout my entire body, I finally expel some of my aggravations only to find it hasn’t soothed me in the least.