Never Say Goodbye (9 page)

    
“Luke-”
    
“No, Els, let me finish. You have told me things you never thought you would tell anyone. You opened up to me about your hurt. About your life. About school and why it wasn’t for you. Why nobody ever looked for you. Ella, I need to look for you. I am connected to you in such a way I can’t explain. My life is supposed to be with you. We need to have each other, well, I
need
you. When I’m with you, I feel like we are meant to be, I feel like I can do anything.
Like I can become anyone.
I feel such a need to be with you, Ella. I need to be with you.”
    
He slides a strand of hair behind my ear and I can’t help but lean up and softly kiss him, my body shivering with cold, adrenaline, and love for this amazing man. He kisses me back softly and we fall backwards as the kiss accelerates. We fall toward the glass window and he lifts me so my naked back is against it.
God, it’s cold.
But I barely think about it. All I feel is this heat, this lust for Luke. He puts me down, and rests his hands on either side of my arms blocking me between him and the glass.
    
“Ella, spend the summer with me, fall with me. I don’t know what will happen when college comes, but please, let’s be us, I need us.”
    
“Okay.” I smile at him and he beams back at me.
    
“You’re freezing.”
    
“Do you mind if I have a shower? Warm myself up a bit?”
    
“I’ll run you a bath, Ella, and I thought I warmed you up just now.” He winks at me and pulls away. I watch him walk off, his jeans slowly dipped so I can see his underwear.
Now that is a sexy look.
I can’t help but smile and watch. He turns around and catches me looking at him.
    
“Are you checking me out?” He asks, and smiles at me. He wanders back over so he is hovering over me, not touching me. “Want a bath?” He asks seductively, our lips barely touching. My stomach feels like it’s about to implode on me, all of these mixed feelings swallowing me up.
    
“Sure, I-I’m okay, and yeah, maybe.” I stutter and he gently kisses me. From nowhere, I grab his face in my hands and push him away. His hands are in my hair and I push him onto the bed. I climb onto him so I am astride his hips. Our bodies sink into the mattress as I kiss him, hard. I hold his hands on either side of him so that if he wanted to, he could break free. I sit up and lean forward to kiss his sternum and across his chest. I follow on from what he did to me earlier and I watch as his body comes to life with my touch. I work my way back up, kiss his beautifully sculptured jaw, and run my tongue along it. I hover over his mouth; our breaths caught with each other and kiss him. I bite his bottom lip and pull softly. He lets out a satisfying groan from somewhere deep inside him. I pull away and look into his eyes. I let go of his arms and he snakes them around me.
    
“Please don't hurt me, Luke, I know we can work. Please.” He looks at me, his eyes scanning mine for something. Maybe acceptance? Truth?
    
“I promise you, Ellie, I won’t hurt you, trust me. Forever and always.”
    
“Forever and always?”
    
“Forever and always, Ellie, my promise.”
    
“I trust you.” I move off him so as he can get up
.
　

    
“How’s about that bath then?”
    
“Sure.”
    
“Oh shit, Ellie, do your parents know where you are?”
    
“I’ll text my mom. It’s Friday, right? She’ll be okay. I’ll tell her I’m at Jade's.”
    
“You want to stay over?” He looks at me worried, I’m sure I know what about, but the inevitable will find us.
    
“If that’s okay.” I whisper.
    
“Absolutely.” He whispers back and heads for the bathroom.

“I’ll order take-out for when you get out of the bath
!” He shouts from the bathroom. “Chinese, Indian, or Pizza, Ella, your choice.”
Oh, my choice.
I can’t help but giggle inside.
    
“Pizza.” I reply. “It’s yummy and it’s greasy. Pizza with chicken, if you don’t mind.” He wanders out and gazes at me, his jeans hung from his hips, he looks delicious.
    
“I don’t mind baby, I like chicken on pizza.” A smile appears from the corner of his mouth and he goes back into the bathroom. I take this moment to actually, really look at his room. He has no posters up and no typical teenage boy stuff around. This place is too adult for him. He has one single canvas photo on the wall opposite his bed. It’s of him with his mom and dad. I grab my cell from my pocket and text my mom to tell her I’m out for the night. She doesn’t mind anymore because she knows I spend a lot of time at Jade's. When he appears from the bathroom, he comes and takes a seat next to me on the bed, draping a robe around me. It’s so soft and warm.
    
“Thanks.” I smile.
    
“You're welcome. Your bath is nearly ready.”
    
  “Already?”
    
  “Yes already, it fills up quick.” He leaves the room. I wander over to the bathroom and it looks amazing. There are candles lit everywhere and even soft music playing in the background. I think the song is called ‘Holding On and Letting Go’. It’s beautiful. The bath smells of strawberries and there are bubbles on the surface. I strip slowly and walk over to the bath. I leave the door unlocked, purposely. I know secretly, subconsciously, I want him to find me naked.
In his bath.
The water is warm and comforts my cold bones. I relax and listen to the music surrounding me; it really is fitting for the moment. I understand now what I want from Luke and what he wants from me. We need each other to function, without him I feel a weakness that won’t shift, that can’t shift. He makes me feel, well, happy. This is me, at happiness, and because that is such a rarity to me, it matters. A bind has been created between us, but I know that the inevitable will happen, and that at the end of summer he will leave me.
We
will have to end.
    
“Ella?”
    
“In the bath.” I shout back.
    
“Food won’t be long.”
    
“Okay.”
    
“I miss you, want some company?”
    
“Sure.” I reply. He comes in, turns the music down, and sits opposite me on the edge of the marble looking bath. “Mm, Ella, naked in my bath,” he purrs and I can’t help but feel something explode inside of me.
    
“Hey!” I reply and throw bubbles at him. He laughs and splashes me back. I giggle at him,
my man
.
    
“You okay, Ella?”
    
“Yeah, actually, I feel amazing.” I sink my head under the water, embarrassed. When I rise back to the surface, I empty my ears of bathwater and push my hair from my face.
    
“Want me to shampoo your hair?”
    
“Does it smell like men?” I laugh.
    
“No, it’s a nice one I think.”
    
“That’s fine then.” I nod. He moves so that he is behind me and starts to gently shampoo and massage my head. It feels comforting and the tension and hurt from earlier is evaporating. The rain, the argument, their kiss, their embrace. His fingers work magic throughout me. I just feel, elevated, safe with him, and it makes me calm.
This shampoo smells so good.
He stops and I sigh.
    
“One sec, Ella.” He mumbles as he leaves the bathroom.
    
“Hmm, where have you gone?” I smile, I don’t know where it comes from, but I smile, genuine and honest, and it turns into a grin.
    
“What is this?” I hear Luke come back in and my smile subsides as he sits against the bathtub behind me. He has a jug in his hand and fills it with bath water.
    
“Put your head back, my mom used to do this to me when I was a kid.” I comply and tilt my head back.
    
“Cute.” I whisper and he rushes water through my hair. It feels so gentle and sweet, something he doesn't need to do but he does it because he can. Right now, I feel like I’m wanted; a feeling that I have never physically experienced. The desire and need to feel like this has led me to him. His gentle hands are weaving throughout my hair as he applies conditioner. I moan in response to his expert hands and he copies his motions from before and pours water over my head. He finishes, pulls me back toward him, and kisses me under my earlobe.
    
“You are so beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you anything else, you're perfect, Ella,” he whispers against my neck. I don’t know what this feeling is, but my body moves in response to his words. He stands, leaves the room, and I feel sad. I’m suddenly flooded with dread and thoughts of pain. What is going to happen when it comes to college? What? So we spend one summer together and that's it? We both go to different colleges, different directions. What happens then? I just forget it? Luke pokes his head around the door and stares at me,
admiring me
.
    
“Foods here, I’ll be in the living room, take as long as you need.” I smile back at him and he leaves. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I cry, quietly thinking about what this could be. My hands hide my face but I can’t stop the tears. I breathe in slowly to try to control myself. I can’t attach to someone again and end up broken.
I just can’t
.
I can’t help this. I’ve fallen already so deep, so longingly for him. I compose myself and shelter my body in a warm, surprisingly soft, fluffy, white towel.
    
Once I’ve dried my hair and myself, I change into one of Luke's t-shirts that I found in his closet and borrowed some of his sweatpants. I look ridiculous, but at least I’m warm. I pad along the cold, white tiles down the stairs toward his kitchen and smile at where I am, all my earlier thoughts hidden within me. I spot him sitting on the sofa on his phone looking so gorgeous I have to double take what I can see. He has the TV on and some program about cops is playing.
    
“Hi.” I whisper and he looks up immediately to match my gaze. I look away in embarrassment.
    
“Hi, you look so cute in my stuff.” He smiles and pushes his attention back to his phone.
    
“Mines still wet and I couldn’t find it anyway.” I shrug.
    
“I’m washing and drying it for you, I hope you don’t mind.”
    
“No, thank you, that’s nice of you.”
Why do I feel like I’m
talking to a stranger?
“Can I grab a drink?” I ask.
    
“Of course you can.” He looks up at me. “Let me grab you one, soda okay?”
    
“Yeah, sure.” He jumps up and strides over to me. He grabs me and pulls me close to him. I release my tension and sag against him. He pulls me tightly into him and his face buries in my hair.
    
“You’re beautiful. Please, don’t ever forget that.” He whispers then releases me.
I walk over to the couch and sit, looking longingly at the pizza in front of me. Wow, I’m starving. I won’t take a slice, just in case he thinks I’m being rude. I look up at the TV and pretend to watch whatever the hell this is. I hear him walk back and breathe in deeply.
    
“I got you orange, I can’t find any soda, hope that’s okay.”
    
“Of course it is.” I smile at him.
    
“Pizza?” He gestures.
    
“I thought you’d never ask.” I laugh and jump up to grab a slice. It tastes amazing and suppresses my appetite instantly. I moan in appreciation.
    
“Nice?” He asks.
    
“Where the hell is this from? Most pizzerias around here are always late, or way too greasy. This is perfect.” He laughs.
    
“The pizzeria down the road, they are amazing right? I always order from them.”
I finish my slice of pizza and gather my confidence. I reach over and take his cell from his hands.
    
“Ella, what are you-” I place it on the table and find myself crawling over to him. I place my leg either side of his and look deeply into his eyes.
    
“Luke -” My voice is shaking. “I want you to be my first.” He looks at me, his face etched with confusion.
    
“Ella, you're a virgin?”
    
“Of course I am.”
His hands glide up the side of my body until they reach my face. He pulls me close and kisses me gently. He moves so that I am on top of him.
Making
out on the sofa, so cliché, but so sexy.
I kiss him as if my
life and soul depended on it. Our tongues meet and embrace each other, making us desperate and wanting. I pull away and sit up. He follows suit.
    
“Ella, are you okay?” He asks, his thumb tracing my lower lip. It makes my body growl.
    
“Luke, I, you might think this is stupid, but I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and you'll be gone, that you won’t be mine. Because only in my dreams do good things happen, and then I wake up disappointed with reality. You're so great – you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I don't want you to be gone, like the things in my dreams.” I look down at my fingers and he lifts my chin so that I can’t avoid eye contact.
    
“You speak such amazing words, Ella. I would never want this to end. You are my good dreams too.”
We kiss for what feels like hours when suddenly it escalates into something else. His hands begin to invade my body, his hands cupping me in areas no man has ever touched. I want this so much. He is all I could ever want. His hands and mouth continue their invasion, moans lost between pleasure and want. Gently, he lifts me and carries me to the bedroom, and with that, I know that this is it.

T
his is Luke and I.

A
nd I want him, I want us.