Never Let Me Go (34 page)

I didn’t know how to begin, how to tell him what I needed to tell him, how to voice all the feelings that were racing through me like a bat out of Hell. I wanted to touch him, but at the same time, I didn’t.

“You.” I was gasping then; it was almost impossible for me to speak to him with the overwhelming emotions that rushed through me. “I choose you. I—I love you, Hayden.”

He was silent for a long time and then his facial features relaxed. He stepped out of the doorway and looked down at me, causing me to stumble backward. His hand reached around my waist and pulled me toward him in a less-than-ceremonious way. His lip curled up on one side as he cradled my head with the other hand. He blinked, his brow furrowing. “How do you know? Why do you love me?”

I gaped at him, a bit taken aback by his question. Of course I knew how to answer it—I was just shocked that he’d asked it.

“You see me, Hayden. And not the me that has a witty comeback for everything, or a smile on her face twenty-four/seven to appease the people that I love. You see the me that’s been broken. You see the me that’s been ripped to shreds, the me who has no problem falling apart, and the me who has to struggle every day to plaster a smile on my face. And you…God, Hayden, you love me. You love me without conditions and you’ve shown me that I never
truly
knew love until I met you. And if I never knew you, I would
still
be going through life without knowing what love really is.” I smiled, reaching up and touching the side of his face. “You’re so fearless, Hayden. You’re not afraid of anything. You’re not afraid to tell me that you love me, you’re not afraid to hold me, and you’re not afraid to tell me that you want me forever. You’re not afraid at all, even if you say you are. And that’s what I love the most. It’s that you’re fearless. And loving you makes me want to be fearless, too.” I closed my eyes, trying to fight back the tears. “I love you, Hayden
Lucas
Jax. And I’ll love you forever.”

“I’ve been waiting for
such
a long time to hear you say that. I love you so much.” He grinned, scooping me up into his arms. “Welcome home.”

His lips descended upon mine, and I wrapped my arms around him, letting him carry me over the threshold of his home. My legs dangled over Hayden’s arm, and he kicked the door closed with his foot. We made our way into the living room and he dropped me—rather unceremoniously, might I add—onto the couch on my back. He lowered himself on top of me, his lips moving and gliding against mine lightly. He placed a hand beneath the small of my back, and then pulled away so that we were no longer kissing. He raised his head only marginally, then commenced chewing against his lower lip.

“You think I’m fearless?”

“I know you are.”

“You think I’m not afraid of anything?” His voice was small.

“I do. Because you’re not.”

Hayden lowered his head at the same exact time that his hand came up to unzip my hoodie and push the fabric aside. He pushed the wet shirt I was wearing upward. He feathered my belly with warm kisses, sending shivers down my spine, but not because I was cold. I raised my arms above my head, but rather than pull it over my head and take it off, he reached for the hem on the side of the shirt and looked up at me.

“Are you particularly fond of this shirt?” he asked.

I shook my head, unable to contain myself. “It’s just an old t-shirt. Plenty more where this came from.”

Those words seemed to be the catalyst he’d been waiting for, because mere seconds later, the noise came.
Riiiiiiippppppp
.

God, that was fucking hot. He cupped my breasts in his hands, squeezing them lightly before releasing them. He left a trail of kisses from my abdomen up to my collarbone, setting all of my skin on fire. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Michele.” He planted a kiss to my neck, causing me to close my eyes from the surge of emotions running through my heart and my body. “I
am
afraid, but only of one thing. I’m afraid of you.”

I arched my back as he reached for my boots and then my socks, pulling them off and tossing them to the other side of the room. His hands worked their way up the seam against my inner thigh, then circled around to grip my waist and came back to meet just below my belly button. He grabbed the button of my jeans and unfastened it. I raised my butt, allowing him to pull them down. He lifted my leg in the air, taking one of my feet in his hands and bringing it up to his mouth. He gently bit down on the flesh of my big toe, the painful action sending pleasurable sensations up my entire body. He followed suit with the other foot before yanking my jeans off of my legs and dropping them to the floor. Within seconds, his pants were on the floor beside us, and my clothes—or lack thereof—came off until I was there before him, baring everything.

We were two people, drunk on love and lust and an overpowering need to be with each other in every way that was humanly possible.

“Why,” I panted, “are you afraid…of me?”

“Because. Now you’re the only one who has the power to break me.”

And then we were one.

Chapter Twenty Three

Waking up in Hayden’s arms was different the following morning. We were on the floor of the living room, Skylar’s mess still all over the room right along with the one we’d made when I’d gotten back to his house the night before. We were beneath the blankets, our bare limbs entangled with each other. My head rested on his torso, feeling the rise and fall of his chest beneath my ear. His arm was draped over my stomach, and his faint snoring filled the entire room.

I got up, taking one of the blankets and wrapping it around my torso. I walked up the stairs, heading up to Hayden’s room where, weeks ago, I’d left some clothing items of mine for times like this, where I had an unprecedented overnight stay with him and I needed clothes for the morning.

In the top left drawer of his dresser was my favorite pair of jean shorts. I pulled them out and set them on the bed, unsure of which shirt I should put on. While I pondered it, I grabbed a bra, a pair of boy short underwear, and a pair of socks to go with the baby blue Keds I’d left there. I tapped my chin, struggling to pick from the minimal amount of shirts in the drawer. Then, I had an idea.

I grabbed a plain, white button-up t-shirt of Hayden’s and grinned as I sauntered off to his bathroom to take a shower.

An hour later, I was in Skylar’s bedroom, blow drying her hair so that we could go to the grocery store.

“Michele? Does my mommy love me?” Skylar asked, her voice small.

I turned the blowdryer off, brushing her curls so that they fell around her shoulders. “You know what, cutie? I think your mommy loves you more than she knows what to deal with.”

“But if she loves me, why did she leave?”

I sighed, trying not to get upset at the question she was asking me. “I don’t know, Sky. I don’t think even she knows. But I
do
know that for every person who left you, you have five more who love you. Can you tell me all the people who love you, Skylar?”

I didn’t know what I was doing, or how I was going to make her feel better, but I was going to try, because I hated seeing her so upset.

“My Auntie Lizzie. My Uncle Spence, my Auntie Livie, my Uncle Ash, my Auntie Jourdan, my Meme, my Granddaddy, my Meemaw and my Papa and Josie and Travis and Eliana and Kyla and Peyton and Grace and my Auntie Sum and my Auntie Bailey and my Uncle Vik and Miss Haven at day care.” She paused, turning to look at me. “And my Daddy. My Daddy loves me a lot, a lot, a lot.”

I laughed, pulling her into a hug. “Yes, he does. Your Daddy loves you more than anyone or anything in the whole wide world. And you know who else loves you?” She shook her head, her amber eyes piercing through my soul—just like her father’s had—and watching me intently. “I love you.”

She giggled, turning around and hugging me. “Oh, yeah! You do! I love you, too, Michele.” She buried her head against my neck. “You’re not gonna leave me, are you?”

With those words, my heart shattered. I didn’t want to hurt her, but of course, I knew there was no way to avoid it. The worst thing that a person could do to a child was make a promise that they couldn’t keep. So if I promised her that I would never leave, I’d do more damage that way. The second worst thing a person could to to a child was lie to them—children are the ones who are most easily broken. So I decided to go with the truth.

“Yeah, cutie, I am gonna leave. I have to go back home and finish school,” I said. “But! But I’ll be back.”

She pulled away from me, taking her hands and placing them on either side of my face. “You will? I don’t believe you.”

I laughed. “Do you have a calendar?”

She nodded, but she didn’t release my face.

“What about a marker?”

She nodded again.

“Show it to me.”

She raised an eyebrow, but she jumped off my lap. I watched as she walked over to a small desk in the corner and pulled a large calendar out. Then she grabbed a marker and ran back over to me. She sat next to me, spreading the calendar in her lap.

I flipped the calendar to the month of August, uncapping the marker and circling the day of the 31st, which was the day Nic, Colin, Brody and I were set to return home to Harlow. Then I flipped the calendar to the month of June of the next year, circling the day of the 28th, which was a little over a week after the day that we were set to graduate from high school.

“You see the first day I circled? That’s the day I leave to go back to my hometown. And the second day I circled? That’s the day I plan to come back here and be with you and your Daddy.”

Both of her eyebrows furrowed and then raised. “And then you’re going to leave again?”

I shook my head. “Nope. When I come back, I’m going to
stay
back.” I capped the marker and handed it to her. “While I’m gone, you can cross out all the days before you go to sleep at night. And when I’m at home, I’ll do the same, and we can count down the days together. What do you think of that?”

“I love it!”

I stood up, grabbing my purse and my cell phone. “Good. Now let’s go get some stuff for breakfast before Daddy gets up.”

I picked up a pen and a piece of paper from Skylar’s dresser, scribbling a note to Hayden.

Hayden,

I took Skylar to the grocery store to get stuff for breakfast. Be back soon.

I love you.

Michele

“You ready?” I asked, extending my hand for Skylar to take.

“Yeah! Oooh, Michele, can we get cinnamon rolls? I
love
cinnamon rolls”

I laughed. “Whatever you want, cutie.”

…

I pulled the cookie sheet of cinnamon rolls out of the oven, then slid a spatula under each one and set them on a plate. Skylar was sitting on the counter with her legs crossed, a bowl of my homemade cream cheese icing in between her legs. I set the plate of cinnamon rolls in front of her, then dipped my finger in the icing.

“Here, sweetie. Put icing on each one, okay?” I sighed, turning to stir the small saucer of stewed apples. “I hope we can finish breakfast before your daddy wakes up.”

“Yeah!” Skylar exclaimed, then slapped her hand over her mouth. “Why did Daddy sleep on the floor and not in his room?”

I stopped short, a bit shocked by her question. I didn’t even know how to respond to that. “Uh, your daddy was so tired that he fell asleep on the floor while we were watching movies.” I paused, a smile on my face. “You know how when you fall asleep on the couch and in the car, he always carries you to your room and tucks you into bed?” She nodded. “Well, he was too heavy for me to carry him. That’s why I just left him on the floor.”

There. Hopefully that would appease her. I plucked the second cookie sheet, the one that carried made-from-scratch biscuits I’d baked, out of the oven. I set it atop the stove, letting it cool off while I tended to the bacon, which was the last thing to finish cooking.

I placed the bowl of eggs, fried potatoes, and my stewed apples on the table. When I turned around to grab the biscuits, Hayden was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, his arms crossed in front of his chest and a smile on his face.

“Daddy! Good morning!” Skylar exclaimed, a giant grin spreading across her lips. “Look! We made cinnamon rolls and Michele let me put the white stuff on it!”

“Morning, baby,” Hayden said, walking over to his daughter and kissing her on the top of the head. He embraced her, then reached around her and stuck his finger in the icing. “This is really good, love.” He grabbed Sky by the waist and set her on the floor. “Go wash up for breakfast.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

She took off toward the downstairs bathroom, and Hayden turned to face me, a hungry look in his eyes. He stepped forward menacingly, his arms outstretched.

“You know, I thought for a long time that watching you interact with my daughter was the most adorable thing in the world. But this morning…coming into my kitchen and seeing you cooking breakfast with my daughter wearing one of my shirts? I can honestly say that I’ve never seen anything sexier. Come here, you.” He grabbed my hips, pulling the lower half of my body flush against him.