Never Knowing (23 page)

I said, “Billy and Sandy will probably—”

My cell rang and my heart stopped. I grabbed it, looked at the call display, and let out my breath.

“It’s Billy.”

Evan said, “I’ll go ahead with Ally.” He caught up to her and took her hand. Following behind, I answered the phone.

“God, Billy, what are we going to do?”

It was Sandy. “Billy’s on the other line. What happened? How did Ally get the phone?”

“It was on the table, I just turned my back for a second.”

“Sara, we went over this. You knew if he caught you in a lie he’d probably kill Danielle.”

“I didn’t know Ally was going to answer it—she’s not supposed to, but I’ve been on it so much lately she just—”

“It shouldn’t have been out of your hands for a
second
.”

I raised my voice. “I’m going to hang up if you keep talking to me like this, Sandy.”

She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke again her voice was calm.

“The calls came from Clearwater, which is north of Kamloops, but we’ll put a patrol car on your street tomorrow and have someone follow you when you leave.”

“You think he’s coming
this
way?”

“We don’t know where he’s going.”

My heart was going nuts in my chest. “What about Ally? She has school and—”

“Talk to her teachers, tell them there’s a custody issue. Make sure they know she’s not to go with anyone. Take her right to her class, and tell her to wait with her teacher until you pick her up. Don’t let her out of your sight.”

“You don’t think—he wouldn’t hurt Ally, would he?”

“All we know is that he’s very angry and a woman’s probably dead by now because of this.”

“Stop blaming me, Sandy. Maybe if you were doing your job, he wouldn’t be calling in the first place. Why aren’t there more men on this?”

“We have every member of Serious Crimes on this now, but it’s a process—”

“Well, your
process
isn’t working.”

This time I hung up the phone and stalked toward the car with self-righteous anger spurring me on. But then I thought of Danielle and my mind filled with images of her dying on a forest floor, clawing at mounds of earth, begging for her life. And the truth burned like acid in my gut. It was my fault.

*   *   *

The ride home was silent, Evan’s face tense when he reached over and held my hand. Grateful for the warmth, I stared out the windshield, blinking back tears.

Evan said, “Do you think you should talk to your family?”

I shook my head. “Sandy would have a bird, but I don’t want to drag anyone else into this anyway.”

“They might start wondering why you’re so distracted.”

“They’re pretty used to me being obsessed about something. I’ll just say I’m busy with the wedding or behind with work, which I am.” Another wave of anxiety swamped me when I thought of all the e-mails I’d been ignoring.

“Maybe you should think about taking some time off.”

“I’ve spent years building my business—I can’t just drop everything.”

“You can build it back up.”

“I’m just a little behind—I can handle it.” I was a lot more than a little behind.

“Then maybe you and Ally should come up to the lodge with me for a while.”

“Ally’s already struggling in class. I can’t pull her out now. And the lodge is so remote. If anything happened up there…” I used to love going to Evan’s lodge and hanging out in Tofino: the West Coast hippie lifestyle mixing with five-star resorts, organic coffee shops with hemp-seed muffins, the rustic art galleries and kayak shops. But now all I could think about was the small police station, the hours of driving on a winding road through the mountains with no cell coverage.

“Then I’ll take some time off.”

I gave him a look. “And how are you going to do that? You just told me yesterday the lodge was booked for the rest of the summer.”

He groaned. “I hate not being here for you. I should be taking care of you and Ally.”

Even though Ally was in the back listening to Evan’s iPod, I lowered my voice.

“We’ll be
fine
. The police are watching the house and we have an alarm. Besides, you’ll be home for the next couple of days. But I can’t see him coming to the island—he always ignores me when he’s pissed off.”

“I want you to be extra careful.”

“No kidding.”

We lapsed into silence.

After a while I said, “Maybe he already let her go. You know, before he called.”

“Maybe.” Evan gave my hand a squeeze. But he didn’t look me in the eye.

*   *   *

That’s why I didn’t want to wait until Wednesday to see you. I
couldn’t
wait. All I’ve been doing is waiting. The whole weekend Evan and I watched the news religiously. We jumped out of our skin every time the phone rang, but my cell never went off except when Billy eventually called and told me the same stuff as Sandy, minus the part where she made me feel like I’d just signed Danielle’s death warrant. When I said everything felt totally out of control, he told me again to get a copy of that book he’s always quoting from. He said, “It’s the only thing that helps me when I’m worried about the investigation. I review the files and focus on strategies. ‘The skillful warrior does not rely on the enemy’s not coming, but on his own preparedness.’ I think of every possible scenario or direction the case might take, then I prepare for each event.”

I said, “Wow. When do you sleep?”

He laughed. “I don’t.” I was surprised because I figured him for the type to hit the sheets and be out in ninety seconds like Evan. It was nice to know I’m not the only one who gets obsessed and can’t sleep.

When I told him Evan was home for the weekend, he sounded relieved and told me to hang in there. I asked him when he was going to be back on the island and he said Monday, which is today, so I’m sure I’ll hear from him soon. Sandy’s staying behind. I guess until they find Danielle …

Evan stayed home as long as he could, even Sunday night, which is when he normally leaves. Poor guy had to get up at four this morning to head back to the lodge. We held each other at the door for a long time. After he left, I climbed into bed with Ally and snuggled next to her until it was time to get up for school.

I saw Danielle’s parents on TV a couple of times. Evan told me to stop watching, but I couldn’t. Her mom doesn’t look very old. Maybe she had Danielle when she was young like me with Ally. I wondered if she warned her to be careful before she left on her camping trip or if she told her to have fun.

SESSION TWELVE

Thanks for fitting me in. You’ll hear about this tonight on the news, but I wanted to tell you myself. If I can, that is. All the way here I practiced saying the words out loud, but … it’s just so hard. I haven’t even told Evan yet—he’s out on the boat. But I
have
to tell someone. I have to get this feeling out of me. I feel like Lady Macbeth trying to wash the blood off her hands.

*   *   *

This morning Billy arrived at my door with his BlackBerry gripped tight in his hand—and a look in his eyes that made my stomach drop.

“She’s dead, isn’t she?”

“Let’s talk.”

We went into the living room. Even though it was sunny my body started to shiver. As soon as Billy sat in the armchair beside the couch Moose leaped into his arms. This time Billy just gave him a quick pat and put him back on the floor. He met my eyes, his face serious.

“They found her body this morning.”

I tried to process what he’d just told me, but my brain felt sluggish.

“Where?”

“Wells Gray Park. It’s the closest to Clearwater, so we’d searched there first, but it’s over five hundred thousand hectares. We might not have found her if some hikers hadn’t wandered off a trail. Looks like Danielle was killed within a few hours of his call.”

Hearing Danielle’s name made her death brutally real. I thought about John depersonalizing his victims—if only I could do the same.

“Was she…”

“She wasn’t raped, but she was strangled.” Billy’s voice was steady, but he kept flipping his BlackBerry around and around in his hand.

I frowned. “That’s not his usual way—”

“We don’t know why he deviated from his pattern—the situation with you may have made it difficult for him to complete his ritual—but we’re sure it’s him. We’re still investigating the scene. Looks like he let her out at the side of the road, then chased her into the woods.”

A sick feeling washed over me. “Oh, God. I told him to leave her at the side of a road.”

“He may have been trying to do just that. But then she started to run and it excited him, or something else triggered him.”

“He didn’t rape her, though.”

“And that may have had something to do with you humanizing her—or because of the similarity between the two of you.”

“You mean because we have the same hair?”

“She was probably chosen because of her resemblance to you, so this attack wasn’t sexually motivated. It was an attempt to connect with you.”

“And now she’s dead.”

Tears were leaking out of my eyes. Billy reached over and gripped my shoulder.

“Hey. Stop. This isn’t your fault.”

“But it is, really. And I’m sure Sandy thinks it is.”

He let go of my shoulder. “Sandy knows you’re not to blame.”

“Where is she?”

“Talking to the family.”

Anxiety hummed in my chest. “Will they know what really happened?”

“They’ll know the Campsite Killer’s the main suspect and we’re doing everything we can to catch him.”

I put my hand over my mouth, trying to hold back a sob. Billy set his phone down on the side table and leaned close.

“You okay?”

I shook my head. “This is horrible. I just wanted to find my birth mother and now two people are dead because of me.”

“They’re dead because of
him
. And when we catch him you’ll have helped save who knows how many women, Sara.”

“But we probably won’t catch him now. He’s never going to call back.”

“Actually, there’s a pretty good chance he will. After a murder the killer enters a state of calm, it’s a release—some describe the feeling as euphoric. He can’t talk about it with anyone else, so he may try to share it with you.”

“He doesn’t trust me anymore.”

“He’s angry you withheld something, but we believe his curiosity and desire for a family is going to win out. He’s going to want to know about his grandchild.”

“What do I say if he calls again?”

“Just apologize. We don’t want him sensing another lie, so confess and ask for forgiveness. This will give him the feeling he has control over you again.”

“He
does
have control.”

“You can pull the plug anytime, Sara. No one will think any less of you if you do. We’ll get him one day—he has to make a mistake eventually.”

This was my chance. I could walk away from the nightmare and move on with my life. My mind filled with images of how life was a few months ago, relaxed, easy, full of fun and laughter. Everything in me wanted to go back to that time, wanted to unload this enormous burden, this desperate trapped feeling. All I had to say was yes, one simple word and it was all over.

For
me
.

“Sara?”

It was too late. I’d already gone too far.

“No. We have to catch him—I don’t want him to hurt anyone else.”

He nodded a couple of times and picked up his phone.

“We’re going to make sure he doesn’t.”

I gave him a shaky smile. “Are you sure you want such a stress case on your team?”

“You’re not so bad.” He smiled and stood up. “But I better get back to the station.”

I walked to the door with him. “Did anyone see him in the area?”

“We don’t have any witnesses, but we’re still working on finding out where he bought the jack plane and trying to learn everything we can about the dolls.”

“Did the DNA…”

“The hair samples match two of the victims, yes.”

I took a deep breath. “Do you think I’m in danger?”

“We want to make sure you’re safe—that’s why there’s a car on the street—but every time he’s made a threat it’s been aimed at other people, never at you. If he comes after you or your family, the dialogue will stop.”

Outside on the front step I said, “I can’t believe she’s
dead
. This is just so awful.” I blinked back tears.

“I’m sorry, Sara. I know how much you wanted a happy ending for Danielle. Trust me—I did too.” His voice was tense and frustrated. He rested both hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “You have to shake this off and focus on how we’re going to stop him. It’s the only thing we can do for Danielle now.”

Billy still had one hand gripping my shoulder when we heard a car come ripping down the driveway, radio blasting. Billy stepped away from me immediately.

As soon as I saw the car I said, “It’s my sister.”

Melanie smirked through the window as she parked in front.

Billy walked toward his SUV. As he passed by Melanie she said, “Howdy, Officer. What’s your hurry?”

He gave her a big smile and a wink. “Oh, you know, catching bad guys. Boring things like that.” He stopped at his truck door and over the hood of the SUV said, “I’ll let you know about the other pieces tomorrow, Sara.”

“Sure, no problem.”

As he drove off with a honk of his horn, Melanie sauntered up the front steps and raised her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, turned, and walked into the house. This time I didn’t wait for her innuendos.

“God, Melanie, I am not messing around with Billy. He’s a client and a
friend
. I’m in love with Evan and marrying him, remember?” I walked to the kitchen with Melanie hot on my heels.

“I remember, but I’m not sure your
friend
Billy does. He’s into you.”

I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee but didn’t offer her one, hoping she’d leave soon.

“You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. You’ve seen him twice and both times he was flirting with you.”

“But I’m not the one he likes.” She shrugged. “Look, I don’t know why he’d be into you either, but he is.” She sat at the kitchen table.