Never Knowing (22 page)

“I wanted
you.
The noise was getting bad—nothing was working. I couldn’t wait any longer.”

I glanced at Ally. She was drawing on the window again.

“Well, you can talk to me now, so you can let her go home, okay?”

His voice was flat. “It’s not that simple.” I cringed as I remembered saying the same thing to Evan.

“It is—you can do it. I know you can. You just have to take a step back and think about it for a minute.” The thumping stopped in the background. Was it Danielle? Had she passed out?

The rain had eased. Ally was still drawing on the window. I covered the speaker on the phone and said, “I’m just stepping outside for a minute, honey.”

Her eyes were wide. “Mommy, no. Don’t leave—”

“I’ll be right here.” I opened the door and stood at the side of the road, smiling at Ally through the window as I said to John, “You could blindfold her, then drive somewhere and just leave her on the side of the road.” In the vehicle Ally’s face was pinched. I drew little faces on the window. She unbuckled herself and crawled onto my seat. She started to smile as she drew teeth on my happy face.

John said, “It won’t work.”

It was starting to rain harder again. I was getting soaked as cars passed me.

“It
will
. By the time someone finds her you’ll be long gone. They’ll never catch you.”

“This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.” A loud
smack
, like he’d punched a wall.

“Are you okay?” All I could hear was heavy breathing. I tried a different tactic. “I know you don’t really want to hurt Danielle. I saw pictures of her on TV and she looked just like me. She’s someone’s
daughter
—you have to let her go.”

Silence.

“John?”

A click, then a dial tone.

*   *   *

I climbed back into the Cherokee and cranked the heat while I watched my windshield wipers swish back and forth. The cell phone was hot in my hand. Beside me Ally was saying something, but I couldn’t think straight. Was he killing her right now? Did I say something wrong? I should have—

“Mom! I’m going to be late for school.”

The phone was ringing again. “I know, sweetie, I’m sorry. Mommy just has to take this, then we’ll get going, okay?” She groaned beside me. I gave her a little smile, but my heart raced as I glanced down at the phone. It was Billy. I let out my breath. Ally was kicking at the dashboard and singing again, but this time I didn’t try to stop her.

“Billy, thank God.”

“We got a good signal off the call.” His voice was clipped. “He’s in Kamloops and we’re doing a sweep of the area—every available officer is on the road. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“She’s alive—I
know
it.”

I heard voices in the background, then Sandy was on the phone.

“If he calls again you have to try to keep him on the line as long as possible. Let him do the talking. If by any chance he hasn’t killed her, we want to keep it that way.”

“But what do I say? I’m scared I’ll say something wrong and he’ll—”

“Just proceed cautiously.”

“What does that mean? Do I ask about her or not?”

Sandy sighed. “Just stay calm when you’re talking to him. He needs to hear you care about him, that you’re interested in him, that you’re sorry. He probably felt rejected when you ignored his calls—”

“I didn’t ignore—”

“Sara, do you really want to argue over semantics? A woman’s life may depend on this next call. What are you doing right now?”

I gritted my teeth against all the ways I wanted to tell her off and simply said, “I have to drive Ally to school.”

“She’s
with
you?” Her voice rose.

“I was driving her to school, but he didn’t hear her.”

“If he finds out you never told him you have a child—”

“I don’t want that either, Sandy—she’s my
first
priority. And right now she’s late for school.”

“Drop her off, then call us.”

I bit out, “Fine.”

As I pulled back on the road Ally said, “Is the woman okay, Mommy?”

Still going over Sandy’s call in my head, I said, “What woman, honey?”

“The one you were talking about with your client. You said she was missing.”

Crap, crap, crap.

I tried to think back over what she might have heard. “Oh, she just got a little lost when she was walking home. But the police are going to find her soon.”

“I don’t like it when you talk on the phone so much.”

“I know, honey. And I really appreciate how good you were.”

She stared out the window.

*   *   *

In front of the school I got out and gave Ally a hug and a kiss. Her shoulders were slumped and her little face pinched. I pulled back and looked her in the eyes.

“Ally Cat, I know I haven’t been the best mommy lately, but I promise I’ll try harder, okay? This weekend Evan’s coming home and we’ll do something as a family.”

“With Moose too?”

“Of course!” I was relieved this earned a small smile at least. As Ally started to run to the doors of the school, she stopped and turned. “I hope the police find the lady who’s lost, Mommy.”

Me too.

As soon as I got home I called Billy. “What do you want me to do?”

“If he phones again, just remember what Sandy said, stay calm and let him talk. Don’t forget he’s calling because he’s trying to reach out. He’s in a highly emotional state and you seem to be the one person he feels can help him. He’ll probably call soon.”

But he didn’t. I paced around my house, then tried to work in my shop but couldn’t focus. So I drank countless cups of coffee—which didn’t exactly help take the edge off—and spent hours Googling serial killers, hostage negotiation, all the while thinking about what could be happening to Danielle. I e-mailed Web page after Web page to Billy, feeling calmer each time I sent something and each time he answered, even if it was just a quick message:
You’re doing great, keep them coming
. Then I thought about John, about how he said he couldn’t wait any longer, the pressure just built until he had to do
something
. The sudden realization that I understood exactly how he felt scared me more than anything.

*   *   *

Later that evening Ally and I were just sitting down to dinner when my cell rang. It was John.

Ally made a face as I got up from the table.

“I’ll just be a minute, sweetie. If you finish all your dinner we’ll watch a movie together after, okay? But you have to promise to be quiet as a mouse.”

She sighed but nodded and dug her spoon into her mashed potatoes.

I raced into the other room and answered the phone.

“John, I’m really glad you called back. I was worried.” I was still worried. I didn’t know if he was calling for help, or to tell me it was too late.

He didn’t answer.

“Is Danielle okay?”

“She won’t stop crying.” The frustration in his voice terrified me.

“It’s not too late. You can let her go. For me,
please
. She didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who messed up.” I held my breath.

He was quiet.

I said, “Can I talk to her?”

“That wouldn’t be good for you.” His tone was parental. A father telling his daughter she can’t have another cookie.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sounded frustrated again.

“You don’t have to do anything right now. Do you want to talk for a little bit? You asked me what I like to eat the other day. I was wondering what kind of stuff you like. Are you allergic to anything?”

“No, but I don’t like olives?” His voice rose at the end.

“I’m not a fan of them either—or liver.”

He made a disgusted noise. “Liver is the body’s filtration system.”

“Exactly.” I laughed, but it sounded hollow. “John, the other day you said the noise was getting bad. What did you mean? Is it bad now?” If I could figure out what the problem was, maybe I could use it to make him let Danielle go.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, no problem. I just wondered if it’s something you can get help for.”

“I don’t need help.”

“I didn’t mean it like
that
. I just thought if you talked to me about it, maybe I could help.”

“This conversation isn’t going anywhere.” He sounded exasperated. “I’ll call you another time.”

“Wait, what about Danielle—”

But he was gone.

*   *   *

I threw the cell onto the couch and put my head in my hands. The phone rang a minute later. I looked at the call display. It was Billy.

“Good work, Sara. He’s still in Kamloops, but we got a better location on him, so we’ve set up a couple of roadblocks on the main highway.”

“But if he sees a roadblock right after talking to me, won’t he suspect something?”

“We have counterattack vehicles set up so it just looks like we’re out to get drunk drivers. I think we’re close, Sara. I don’t think he wants to hurt her, but he doesn’t know what to do with her either. There’s a chance you can convince him to let her go.”

“Do you honestly think so, Billy? Do they ever let them go?”

“It depends on how much of a risk he thinks she is. But odds are in our favor. We just have to exploit the enemy’s dispositions to attain victory.”

“What the heck does
that
mean?”

“You need to flatter him, convince him you think he’s a nice guy. That you know he’ll do the right thing. He wants to be your father. Treat him like one.” My stomach coiled in on itself and my guts cramped.

“I’ll try. I have to go—” I made it to the bathroom just in time.

*   *   *

But I didn’t hear from him again that night. Billy checked in later and told me the roadblock hadn’t turned up anything except a couple of impaired drivers. The next morning, Saturday, Evan came home. The minute he walked through the door I hugged him so tight he had to practically peel me off. As he unpacked I followed him from room to room, telling him everything that had happened, every conversation I’d had with Billy or Sandy since. I was keyed up, jumping at every noise and talking a mile a minute, but just knowing he was home and could distract Ally if John called again was a huge relief.

Ally hadn’t forgotten my promise to do something as a family that weekend, and she made sure she told Evan about it while he made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I’d already reassured her as soon as we woke up that we’d go to the park later, but she’d looked at me doubtfully. It didn’t help that I’d been on the phone all morning right up until Evan got home. First with Billy, then Lauren called. I hadn’t talked to her since we went shopping, so I had to chat for a bit or it would look odd, but acting normal on the phone took so much energy I was exhausted by the time I hung up.

After lunch we headed down to the seawall and Maffeo Sutton Park—Ally loves the playground there and we usually take her to the ice-cream parlor on the promenade. I did my best to enjoy some precious time with my family, but I kept taking out the cell in my pocket, making sure it wasn’t on vibrate.

When we got to the ice-cream parlor we ordered hot chocolates and a small bowl of ice cream for Ally, who insisted we get a bowl for Moose. We were sitting at an outdoor table near the marina, watching people walk past on the boardwalk with their baby carriages and dogs, when my cell rang. Evan froze and my stomach clenched, but when I saw who it was I mouthed,
Billy
, to Evan, who nodded and headed inside to the bathroom.

Billy told me they were now searching campsites and motels, hitting grocery stores and every gas station they could with John’s sketch, checking surveillance cameras. We hung up just in time for me to see Ally spill hot chocolate down her coat. As I walked toward the shop to grab a napkin, I heard my cell ring on the table.

I spun around.

Ally lifted the cell to her ear.

“
Ally, no! Don’t answer it!
”

I sprinted toward the table. I was almost there—my hands reached for the phone.

She said in a singsong voice, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now ’cause she’s spending time with
me
,” and hung up.

She handed me the phone, then went back to eating her ice cream. I grabbed her shoulders and spun her toward me. She dropped her spoon.

“Ally, you’re
never
supposed to touch my phone.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “But you’re always talking on it.” The woman at the next table gave me a dirty look and whispered to her friend. I let go of Ally and flipped open my phone.

Evan ran out of the shop. “I heard yelling, what’s going on?”

I scrolled through received calls.
Please, please, please let it have been Billy.

The last call was from John’s number.

Evan said, “Sara, what happened?”

I tried to answer, but I was frozen.

Ally sobbed. “I told the man Mommy was busy.”

Evan’s face paled as he looked at me. Hand over my mouth, I nodded. He tried to put his arm around me, but I shrugged it off.

“I have to think.”

Stop. Breathe.
He might not have turned his cell off right away. He might be as shocked as I was.

I walked a few paces from Evan and Ally and dialed John’s number. I had to start over twice.

He answered on the first ring.

“John, I’m so sorry, but—”

He said, “You lied,” then hung up.

I turned and looked at Evan. He was sitting beside Ally with his arm around her shoulders. Our eyes met and I shook my head. He stood up and started to clear the table as he said something to Ally. They walked over to where I was leaning against the railing, my hand gripping the cold metal. Ally wouldn’t look at me.

Evan said, “Let’s head back to the car, your mom’s turning blue, Ally.”

I smiled at her and pretended to shudder as I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. But she still wouldn’t look at me. As we walked toward the parking lot, Evan grabbed my hand in his and held tight. We stared at each other while Ally walked ahead with Moose on his leash. All I could think about was Danielle. Did I just sentence her to death
?