Never A Choice (The Choices Trilogy (Book 1)) (40 page)

“Actually Joe,” I can’t help the deep sigh that escapes my lips, “this is exactly what I need to be doing right now.” I continue to mindlessly rub the knives, removing any traces of water marks and making them shine.

“Let me make you something, you are looking really pale girl.” He doesn’t hide his concern in his voice.

“I can’t tonight Joe.” I’m struggling with the sadness that’s welling deep but rising fast and I plead. “Please.”

“Alright girl, whatever you say.” He turns his back and carries on putting ingredients away. It’s after midnight and I must still be running on adrenaline and pain to still be awake after the last twenty-four hours. I lock the door after Joe crushes me in a bear hug and says goodnight.

I enter my bedroom and see the stack of deliveries of expensive beautiful lingerie that has continued to arrive daily. They make an impressive tower in the corner of my room. My mind flashes eBay, I couldn’t wear anything he bought me without having him with me, inside me and I need to start, stop thinking about him. I crawl into bed it’s too late to call Sofia but I want her to know she doesn’t have to worry anymore and selfishly; I want her to forgive me. I send her a text that she will pick up first thing.

HEY YOU, ALL SORTED NO MORE WORRIES. I’M SO SORRY SOFS PLEASE FORGIVE ME. XB

My phone rings moments later.

“Hey sister.” I greet her with our usual greeting. I just hope we can be normal again. “I didn’t want to call you so late but I wanted you to know you’re safe, Paul’s safe.” I’m silent while this sinks in but I need her so much I have to ask. “Can you ever forgive me Sofs, I’m so sorry . . . I. .” I am sobbing quietly, I am desolate.

“Shhh sweetheart, shhh there’s nothing to forgive. I didn’t actually believe the crazy bitch so I’m just as much to blame for not taking her threat seriously.” I can hear her own regret.

“But none of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me. I think maybe, maybe I should move just to make sure, you know.” This came to me tonight while I was polishing, that they would all be safer if I wasn’t around. If I moved to another city.

“Oh there you go, flight instinct kicked in quick this time, No! I am not losing you. She’s got what she wants, that will be it. Won’t it?” I can hear the uncertainty in her voice so I try to reassure her.

“Yes that will be it, really she was very clear. She just wants Daniel and now she’s created enough of a reason to disown me, she won’t rear her ugly head again. I know he was keen on a big family reunion but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.” My feeble laugh falls flat. “So other than my last lecture with him next week I won’t be seeing either of them again.” I am saying this to reassure her but I think it’s the truth.

“Back to normal then eh?” She sounds relieved.

“Yes, normal.” I’m not touching that one. I am a long way from normal.

“What happened, why would she disown you now?”

“You know it’s not important.” I try to sound disinterested.

“Bets I’m sorry too, I’m sorry you had to choose, it’s fucked up. This whole thing is fucked up.” She is sounding more like Sofia the angrier she gets.

“It was never a choice Sofs, he’s been in my life five minutes; you guys . . . you are my life.” My chest hurts and I press my fists hard against it to relieve the pain.

“But it only takes a minute though, doesn’t it?” Her voice is soft.

“Yes,” I sniff back a few stray tears that are tickling my nose, “yes it only takes a minute but it doesn’t change a thing.”

IT’S BEEN ONE week, one tortuous week. I haven’t heard from Daniel and a sad reflection of my current state of esteem, means I am not surprised at this. My brave face is more a passive neutral mask but luckily the only people that would probe to see beneath are either at the hospital or in the case of Marco, taken some time off to visit some old school friends who are working a ski season in the Alps. I had one text from Kit the day after which said;

YOU’RE WELCOME XXK

But I have heard nothing else, at least her apathy toward me means I am not going to get petty updates or gloating.

I picked my shifts back up at the restaurant and I have reverted to my pre-Daniel timetable. I have spoken to Sofia every night this week and I know Paul is much better; he is being discharged tomorrow. Marco flew in early this morning and may come over with Sofia later. I’m feeling a little apprehensive as the last time we were together like this seems a lifetime ago and not just in the sense of time but in what has changed too. I open a large bag of chocolate buttons and pour them in a communal bowl on my coffee table, grab a couple of glasses and start to open the wine. I hear the back door open and the sound of Marco and Sofia laughing as they climb the stairs. I instantly relax, maybe we’re not so changed, they burst through my door.

“Hey Boo!” Marco rushes and squeezes me tight lifting my feet clean off the floor and I yelp as the wine bottle almost slips from my hands, almost. He plants an aggressively affectionate kiss on my cheek and slumps on to my sofa. Sofia’s embrace is a little more sedate but just as loving. I put the wine on the table and go to fetch another glass.

“What is this you’re listening to?” Sofia’s tone accusatory and she raises her judging brow. “No wait, I think I have this album is it volume one or two of ‘Music to hang yourself by’?”

“Ha ha, you are so funny. It’s just a playlist, with a slightly morbid bias I admit, but it just fits my mood of late and I find it strangely comforting.” I defend.

“Well, wallowing is definitely better than running?” She quips but her tone is almost a warning.

“Who’s running? Why would you be running, this isn’t about Daniel the Dick now is it?” Marco pours his wine and grabs a handful of chocolate.

“I’m not running-” I’m interrupted.

“Damn right you’re not!” Marco and Sofia chorus with the exact intonation, it’s spooky.

“I’m not running, I might be wallowing . . . a little and he’s not a dick, well he might be for believing her shit, but I can’t really blame him.” I walk over to my desk and pull the crumpled photo from the draw and throw it on the table next to the wine. Marco sits instantly and shoots his mouthful of wine all down his front, hitting the table and the bowl of chocolate.

“Oh gross Marco, I was going to eat those.” Sofia reprimands her brother because she hasn’t yet noticed what caused his reaction. He wipes his mouth and the droplets from his shirt and jeans before he leans to pick up the photo.

“Bets?” He looks shocked and confused.

“What the fuck!” Sofia grabs the photo from Marco’s hand and studies the image. Marco is looking at me and then back to the photo.

“Bets, what is that?, No wait, why do you have that . . . no wait just explain all of it?” They both look at me. Their eyes are identical but Marco’s are confused while Sofia’s are all concern.

“It’s one of a set, but this one was Daniel’s favourite and he wanted me to have it.” I say with exaggerated affection. I explain the sequence of the other photos, the train wreck that followed and sit dejectedly in my armchair. Sofia squeezes next to me, it’s a tight fit and I laugh because I don’t think she realised it would be this cosy; we are practically nose to nose.

“You know that’s not you right?” Marco’s ridiculous observation makes us both bark out with laughter.

“Yes I’m pretty sure I know that’s not me.” This tragedy momentarily morphing into a comedy.

“That’s Rose, but I don’t understand. She has a massive tattoo on her arse, I mean it’s massive. A massive rose tattoo.” He repeats dazed. “She’s the right build and her hair kind of looks the same as yours, so yeah she looks a little like you.” He catches my eyes I’m still chuckling, “and don’t get freaked I’m not harbouring any latent desires for a round two, sorry a round one with you Bets. Rose is really into me, she’s fit and feisty in the sack.” He holds up the photo. “Exhibit A, I believe; but that doesn’t explain her disappearing tattoo?”

“No but Photoshop would.” Sofia adds.

“He believed this?” Marco’s voice is sterner and I can see his jaw start to grind.

“He believed what he saw.” I sigh sadly remembering his exact words.

“He’s a fucking idiot and she . . . she is a fucking bitch.” He is openly angry now and I tense. “Why the fuck are you letting her get away with this?” I feel Sofia tense beside me.

“I have nothing, other than her birth certificate, which I doctored to get my place at Uni. I have nothing that proves she is anything other than what she pretends to be. She has completely and successful rewritten her life and I now have the starring role of ‘villain.’ She destroyed everything from her life before, I remember the bonfire in the garden, her fresh start. Everything went, photos, school reports, diaries, clothes. She left with the clothes on her back and a big fat cheque.” My voice has been slowly rising so I take a calming breath. “I think she did me a favour with the photos; he was so quick to believe her. I think . . . no, I know he didn’t love me, not like . . .” I feel a rush of tears that I hold in my lids and a tingle in my nose. I let out small puffs of air to prevent my free fall and Sofia puts her arm around my shoulders awkwardly pulling my head into her neck. We are just too close for this to be comfortable but I take comfort from the gesture. This is just bearable believing Daniel didn’t love me and it will mean that Marco won’t need to be fighting my corner anytime soon.

“Look I have nothing to gain from trying to expose her, it might be different if . . .” I hesitate, it wouldn’t be different because she is clinically insane but if Marco knew about her threat, well I physically shudder at that thought. “If he loved me.” Is a perfectly plausible reason to let
it
go and Marco seems appeased with my reasoning. Sofia doesn’t say anything but she holds a well of sadness in her face. She still has this misguided romantic world view where she truly believed Daniel loved me and for that she is a little heartbroken but for her I will be made of stronger stuff. I kiss her cheek and whisper, “I’m happy with my ‘no-more’ Sofs and I want you to be too.”

“Yeah you sound happy.” She nods toward my iPod speaker and I laugh.

“God Bets, Sofia is right, I’m on a freaking high from an awesome holiday and even I want to hang myself!” Marco moans.

“Alright, alright I’ll change the tunes.” I lever myself from the armchair and pick up my iPod and start to scroll. “If you’re looking for upbeat I can offer you a whole play list of Disney Film soundtracks?”

“What are you, seven?” Marco grabs my IPod and throws it on the sofa promptly replacing it with his and is a mix of Killers, Arctic Monkeys and Muse. Perfect. “So are you going to ask me about my trip or is it all about you girls tonight?” He pouts and pours another glass.

This is the last of Daniels’ lectures and I am again sat high toward the back of the theatre with Mike and Sam either side. I am all nerves and excitement, which is really stupid. I haven’t been eating too well either but made sure I had at least consumed a granola bar and some juice. I won’t be fainting again no matter what stunt he might pull. The room falls instantly silent as his powerful presence emanates across the room. My body responds like the traitor it is with a flush of prickles covering my skin and an increase in my heart beat. I only brave fleeting glances toward the stage but each time it is clear Daniel’s focus is on his notes and the screen. His lecture is brilliant and there is only one moment when his eyes meet mine. The bright dark blue eyes reflect no recognition, no acknowledgment of any prior intimacy and I am consumed by an excruciating pain in my chest at his obvious indifference to me now.