Nervous

Here I go again for the seventh time in three years, which in itself is a blessing. Always ever present in my life and first on my list is the Lord. He is responsible for the air that I breathe and my health, my creativity, and my determination.

Next on my list is my parents, for their continuous support and encouragement, I could never express enough gratitude or pay them back properly for all they have given me. However, I intend to try.

Hubby, what can I say except thanks for loving me, cheering me up when I am down, understanding me when I start flipping out (often in the middle of the night), staying up with the baby late at night so I can either sleep or write or a combination of both, being versatile enough to change a diaper one second and handle a major business decision the next. You might not be a superhero but you are definitely a superman.

To my offspring, Mommy loves you and as you know, when it comes to motherhood, nothing else comes first. Even if that means making the sacrifice of staying up all night working so I can spend quality time with you during the day.

To my family members: Miss Bettye, Carlita, Charmaine, Rick, David, Aunt Rose, Aunt Margaret, Aunt Neet, Miss Maurice and Uncle Snook, Uncle George and Miss Mary, Joyce and Ed and all those I am close to, thanks for the support and love.

To my friends: Pamela Crockett, Esq., Destiny Wood, Lisa Fox, Karen Black, Janet Allen, Sharon Johnson, Dee Mc-Conneaughy, Denise Barrow, Tracy Crockett, Pamela Shannon, MD, Cornelia Williams, and all the rest of you hoochie mommas (just kidding), thanks for all the late night phone conversations, the encouragement, the babysitting, and just having my back in general.

To the special kids in my life: Arianna, Ashley, Jazmin, Adam, Jerlan, Tislem, Indira, Briana, Karlin, Brian, Jr., and Nicholas, remember to stay in school and get a good education because it will all pay off in the end.

To my agent, Sara Camilli, thanks for all the pep talks and more importantly your patience in dealing with such a “drama queen” (inside joke) as a client.

To Malaika Adero, my editor, Carlos Brown, my publicist, Judith Curr, Carolyn Reidy, Demond Jarrett, Louise Burke, Brigitte Smith, Dennis Eulau, Karen Mender, and the rest of the ATRIA/Simon & Schuster crew, thanks for everything and I look forward to a prosperous and long-lasting future.

Thanks to the Strebor Books International staff, the Strebor authors, and all the other authors, booksellers, distributors, book clubs, and everyone else who has supported me throughout my brief but exciting writing career. I guarantee you that the best is yet to come.

I am not going to go on and on since I have books coming out every three months or so (smile). Just know that I love and appreciate everyone.

Peace and Blessings,
Zane

I wanted to pen
Nervous
for several reasons. I have always been intrigued by the short story I first wrote by the same name for
The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth.
The complexity of the character drew me to her and so many readers felt a connection with the one known only as “SHE.” Many women have two sides to them: the good girl and the bad girl. Most of the time they try to hide the bad girl, not realizing how short life truly is and how at the end of it, there is nothing we can do about regrets and missed opportunities.

I thought about what was the wildest thing that could ever possibly happen to a woman and thus, Jonquinette Pierce was created. A woman that, in her mind, is a virgin, but she suffers with a split personality disorder. The other woman in her is a whore. The contrast between the two was a delight to write. I also love my character.
Nervous
is the second in a planned five-book series that features the psychiatrist, Dr. Marcella Spencer.
Addicted
was the first. After
Nervous, Vengeance, Torn,
and
Patience
will come. Dr. Spencer will become the main character in one, but I won’t reveal which one just yet. You will have to wait and see.

I hope you enjoy reading
Nervous
as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Peace, Blessings, and Love,

Zane

For as long as I could remember, I had always been nervous. Nervous about school. Nervous about friends. Nervous about relationships with men. Even nervous about talking to my own mother. I don’t know whether it was something deep-rooted inside of me from an early childhood experience or whether it was something that was just meant to be.

I lived in my own little world by the time I was twenty-two years old. I was fresh out of college and working as a project coordinator for a nonprofit organization in Philadelphia. I selected that job because I wouldn’t have to deal with too many people on a daily basis. I only had face-to-face dealings with a few of the people from the office, mostly women, and I was very thankful for that. My daily routine consisted of going to work, stopping off at a carry-out on the way home to pick up dinner, and then retiring to my cozy but cramped one bedroom apartment for the rest of the night.

When it came to dealing with a man on an intellectual level, any man, my palms would get sweaty and my knees would tremble a little. I am not sure how noticeable it was to anybody else, but I was painfully aware of it.

I had managed to make it all the way through my high school and college years without a single boyfriend. But I was not a virgin by far. The weekends were her time. They were the times that SHE came out into the light. SHE was my wild side, the one who craved to be fucked. SHE was one who felt conversation was never needed, nor were games, because SHE knew within five minutes after SHE laid eyes on a man whether SHE wanted to fuck him or not.

SHE first appeared back in my freshman year of college. At that time, I would spend lonely nights in my dorm room masturbating myself to sleep by playing with my nipples and rubbing a sheet or towel between my legs. I imagined having wild, passionate sex with men that had no faces until I climaxed and the sheet or towel was soaking wet with my nectar.

I have always been a pretty girl, above average even, I would say. It was never a question of whether I thought I looked good enough to get a man. I was just too nervous to talk to the men who pursued me. They came in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life. Most were extremely nice and attractive, but I wanted to wait and give my virginity to the man I would ultimately marry. SHE, though, could not wait.

One cold winter night of my freshman year, I was studying in the university library when SHE saw him. He was average height, about five-nine and not what one would call
foine,
yet attractive. It was his eyes that made him desirable. His eyes seemed to have a passion burning inside of them. SHE sat there, at a table across the room from where he was standing at a bookcase flipping through some pages. SHE could feel her panties becoming damp from the growing desire to feel him inside of her. SHE crossed her legs and moved them back and forth, creating a light friction against her vagina and making her desire even more intense. SHE didn’t realize that SHE was simultaneously sucking on the eraser of her pencil and staring at him, until SHE felt him staring back. SHE moved her eyes up from where they had locked on the bulge of his pants to his face and for what seemed like an endless moment, their eyes met. He broke the stare and smiled at her. It was then that SHE noticed he had the softest-looking lips. SHE yearned to draw the bottom one into her mouth and suck on it.

SHE looked back down at the economics books SHE was studying for a brief moment, contemplating her next move. When SHE looked up, he was gone. SHE panicked, quickly scanning the library, until SHE noticed him getting into the elevator. He looked at her and smiled as the doors were closing. Something within her exploded and SHE knew what had to be done. SHE jumped up from the table, leaving her books, coat and purse and ran out the exit door, going down the steps two at a time, hoping to catch up to him before the elevator reached the ground floor.

When SHE reached ground level, it was too late. The elevator was empty and he was gone. SHE went out the front door of the library into the cold, brisk, winter air hoping to catch a glimpse of his red ski jacket. But, SHE saw nothing. As SHE turned around to go back into the library and retrieve her things, with disappointment in her heart, SHE looked up and he was standing there. In fact, SHE bumped right into his chest and could feel her heart pounding in her own as he looked deep into her eyes, up close and personal for the first time.

He opened his mouth to say something, probably to ask her name, but SHE put her finger over his lips. SHE was unsure why she did this, but SHE knew that talking would only ruin the moment. Maybe SHE feared that I would rejoin the situation, bringing with me all my shattered nerves at the thought of a mere conversation with a man. Who knows?

SHE smiled at him, took him by the hand and pulled him back inside the library with her. SHE pushed the button for the elevator. When they got on, instead of pushing the button for the floor where her belongings were, SHE pressed the button for the basement where all the stacks were located. SHE knew it would basically be deserted and dark down there. It was the perfect place for what SHE had in mind.

When the elevator began to descend, SHE took his hand and placed it between her legs. SHE had on a black skirt with a white bodysuit and silk panties underneath. SHE could feel his fingers push the crotch of her bodysuit and panties aside and explore her wetness. He brought his face closer to hers and was about to explore her mouth with his tongue when they reached the basement level and the doors opened.

Just as SHE imagined, the stacks were deserted. He left his backpack right beside the then closed elevator, picked her up and wrapped her legs around his back. He carried her to the rear of the stacks where there were a few scattered desks. He sat her down on top of one of them.

Their clothes came off quickly, both of them ripping at the other’s until they were completely naked in the dimly lit room. SHE took one of her fingers and rubbed it against her clit. Then she removed it and put it into his mouth, letting him savor her juice. SHE rubbed the finger against her clit again; this time she brought it to her own mouth to suck the juice off her fingers. Then they began to kiss, both savoring her sweetness at the same time.

He pushed her back onto the desk so that her head was hanging halfway over the rear and her nipples were protruding upward. He suckled them one at a time, not only taking her dark pearls into his mouth but licking the entire breast starting at the base of each one with the tip of his tongue and making light, circular strokes until he reached the hardened prize. SHE was in ecstasy. So many nights had been spent alone rubbing HER nipples between HER fingers and now a man was devouring them just like SHE had yearned for all that time. He took both breasts, one in each hand, pushing them together and then sweeping both nipples into his mouth at the same time. Her moans became louder.

Still palming her breasts, with one hand he made a trail with his tongue down to her belly button, pausing just long enough to take a quick dip into it before moving down to explore between her thighs. Before SHE could even prepare herself for what was about to come, he took her hardened clit into his mouth and began to let it vibrate on the tip of his tongue. SHE came for the first time in a matter of seconds, the intensity of having his mouth touch her there was out of this world.

He continued eating her pussy for the next fifteen minutes or so and SHE came at least five or six more times before he had sated his hunger. Then, he walked around to the other side of the desk, where her head was still hanging over the side, and brought her face-to-face with his delicious-looking dick. SHE hesitated not for a second and took the head of it into her mouth with a heightened desire to know what he tasted like. And there, with her head upside down, SHE sucked a dick for the very first time. SHE held the base of it while he dick-fed her, pushing his manhood in and out of her mouth with increasing speed. SHE relaxed her throat so that he could eventually get it all in. SHE loved every minute of it. As his body began to tremble and his knees began to buckle, SHE was given the added treat of tasting semen and was immediately hooked for life on the scrumptious flavor. SHE lay there, savoring every single drop, and secretly hoping there would be more to come. Never had SHE tasted anything so yummy.

He removed his dick, now a little sore and tender but never the worse for wear, from her throat. After going back to the other side of the table, he pushed his dick deep inside her waiting pussy. SHE could feel her hymen break and realized that virginity was now a thing of her past. He fucked her hard. Considering the way SHE had picked him up and led the way to the basement, he had no idea that this was her first time. He just thought SHE had a tight-ass pussy and he was taken aback at how snugly it fit around his throbbing dick.

He fucked her without mercy because he knew that SHE wanted it that way. SHE was paralyzed at first when he stuck it in, but gradually SHE grew attuned to his rhythm and began to grind her hips, fucking him back. SHE could feel his balls slamming up against her ass and was mesmerized by the sound of his dick invading her pussy, for it was a sound SHE had never heard before. SHE loved it.

After a few more minutes, SHE felt him explode again, this time inside her pussy walls. His sweat trickled off his forehead onto her breasts. Her stomach muscles contracted as he removed his well-satisfied dick from her sweet pussy. He began to say something. SHE intervened saying, “No, please don’t!”

SHE got up from the desk, dressed quickly and looked at his dick with the veins bulging in all directions. SHE knew that SHE had to get the hell out of there quickly for SHE was half ashamed of what SHE had done. SHE was even more ashamed at how much SHE enjoyed it.

SHE left him there, in the basement of the library, nude and wondering why the hell SHE insisted on anonymity and silence, hoping that one day he would see her again.

And one day he did, in the student union. SHE walked right past him and pretended SHE didn’t recognize him. He turned to go after her and beg her to at least tell him her name. With the same haste SHE had entered his life, SHE exited it. He looked for her and SHE was gone.

Gone like SHE was when all the other men looked for her. SHE always fucked them quickly, in silence, and then left them in awe. There was the man SHE saw in the grocery store line. She patiently waited for him in the parking lot and then fucked him right there in the backseat of his car. There was the gas station attendant SHE took into one of the garage bays and fucked while SHE was waiting for another guy outside to change her tire. There were the two guys SHE saw playing basketball one day at the local park who SHE enticed into the woods and there, on a secluded picnic table, fucked them both. And, of course, there were all the men SHE had picked up at hotel bars, nightclubs and virtually everyplace else over the past five years, the total number of which SHE had lost count of long ago.

Her appetite is insatiable and undeniable. SHE can never get enough when SHE appears. As for me, I am still nervous but hopefully one of these days, SHE and I will become one and settle down with one man who can satisfy both our needs. Until then, SHE will just continue to have her fun, ruling the weekends, and I will continue my boring-ass weekdays. One thing is for sure, though. When I masturbate now, I have multiple orgasms and enjoy my body in ways I never imagined before. Maybe SHE and I have already become one.

*
Excerpted from
The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth
(Pocket Books, 2002).