Nerd Girl (46 page)

“A trip to London
was
pretty predictable. Why not cut off all your hair, too, if it’s going to make you feel better, right?” Anna shrugged and threw up her hands in resignation. “Fuck, why not?”

Mom shot her a warning look, I suspected for her language, and patted me on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll look just lovely.”

An hour later, I looked at myself in the mirror, touching the hair near my ears and styling it forward with my fingers. The ends were still a little wispy. Fortunately, it didn’t look too butch. In fact, it was quite feminine. It elongated my neck and my collarbone and shoulders looked sharper but more graceful. I stared at all my hair lying on the floor, still in awe of myself for having the nerve to do it.

“Well, I never would’ve thought it, but short really works for you,” Anna said in appreciation. “I love it!”

“Honey, it really does suit you,” Mom said. She smiled and then added, “Good decision.”

“One step at a time …” I mumbled, whispering Dexter’s advice.

On Monday morning, I quit MS. I was once so proud of working there. I had always felt like one of the coveted few that had this great opportunity working for one of the most iconic and sought after companies in the world. Leaving it felt like an end to my own personal era, to a part of my identity. The decision left me with very mixed emotions, both sad and liberating.

It was time. It felt like the right thing to do. Everything I chose to do in my life needed to have a purpose. That’s just who I was. I wasn’t going to let what happened with Ryan defeat my spirit. One might think that quitting MS was evidence of defeat, but I chose to look at it very differently. Being forced to change my career direction was something that I didn’t have direct control over. Sure, it was a consequence of my voluntary actions, but I followed my heart, knowing all the risks. I’d gambled and lost.

Accountability was important to me, so I didn’t blame anyone other than myself. Now that I was facing the reality of my current predicament, it was up to me to manage how to pick myself back up and turn it into something positive. The success of my career had always been a big part of my self-esteem, so putting myself through another interview process for jobs that I had no interest in was something that I couldn’t do. I no longer had the heart to pursue another FTE role and then pretend that nothing ever happened.

Dexter wasn’t the one that convinced me to leave MS. I’d been toying with the idea for months now, even before I met Ryan. I had even mentioned it to Ryan. Dexter just reminded me that I really had nothing to lose and only the nervous excitement of unknown opportunities to gain.

I had decent savings in my bank and investment accounts and my resume was solid. The timing of my departure also coincided nicely with MS’s annual bonus and stock awards payout. Since I had such a great review this past year in my old group, MS had just deposited thirty thousand dollars in combined stock awards and bonus payment to me. This would last me for several months and beyond. Yup. MS will work your ass off. But if you get a high review score, they do reward you nicely. For whatever reason, if I couldn’t find a vendor role at MS to kick off my consulting practice, then I felt confident that I would have no problem finding another role at a different company. Besides, if I was forced into a short break from the corporate rat race, well
… it certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen this year.

On Tuesday morning, I took the steps I needed to formally set up my own small business. I even scheduled a visit to my accountant to help me with the financial aspects of acquiring a tax ID and business accounts.

By the end of the week, I had tied up all of my MS loose ends. I sent out a farewell email to my colleagues and to those who had an influenced and assisted me in my career at MS over the years. Of course, I received email replies and IMs from all of my teammates. Mia was completely floored and demanded we meet up for dinner this week. I smiled to myself; despite everything, I was glad to know that she and I would remain friends. I cc’ed Catherine and Stephanie, but neither of them reached out to me. I figured Catherine would inform Ryan.

The following week, I contacted Beth Howe and asked if she was willing to take me on as a contractor. She hadn’t found any other candidates that she was thrilled with and she knew that her headcount would be taken away if she didn’t fill the position soon. Having a contractor immediately available to do the much-needed work in the interim would be a quick and easy way for her to keep the ship afloat. Beth was looking to hire me as the Field Readiness Manager for Sales and Marketing IT, which basically meant that I would train the field on sales and marketing systems and processes. It wasn’t the most exciting role, but it felt good knowing that it was an initial means to an end.

She knew my reputation and had confidence in my abilities, so she decided to hire me for a six-month contract. The best part was that the contract had potential for more work beyond what I was originally hired for. I told Beth I would ask around, knowing fully well that this was the perfect opportunity for me to get others on board to sub-contract through me. By doing this, I could earn 10-20% of their bill rate in exchange for finding them the contract job. The average Program Manager bills about $100/hr. or $4000 a week. If you do the math @ 10%, I would earn an additional $400/week through their sub-contract. Now imagine if I someday had 100 of them. This opportunity with Beth would allow me to essentially start my own consulting company—exactly what I wanted.

We agreed to my start date of mid next week and when she asked me which consulting company I was working for so that she could start processing my purchase order, I was floored to tell her to put down “Hayes Consulting.” She mentioned that IT only used preferred, established consulting companies, but since she knew I was uniquely qualified for the role, an exception could be made.

I officially had my first contract, under the name of my new company. It felt great.

“Mmm
… they have the best croissants here,” Anna murmured as she rolled her eyes up into her head, savoring her first bite. “Shame they’re so fattening.” It didn’t stop her from finishing her croissant and yes; she actually licked her fingers.

Like she had anything to worry about.

I sipped my coffee and took another bite of my own ham and cheese croissant.
Yes, this place was by far the best bakery in the city.
I heard the owner was trained at a world-renowned school in France. I believed it. I gazed up at the walls, where several pictures of French cafes were framed and hung. No doubt these pictures were supposed to give customers the feeling that they were sitting in one of those authentic bakeries in Paris.

“Speaking of fattening foods, you should eat another one. You’ve lost some weight,” Anna pointed out.

“And that’s bad because …?”

“I’m just worried about you, Jules.” Anna’s eyes narrowed. “I mean, you quit your job, which is kind of a big deal for you.”

“I have a job. I told you, I’m officially my own company,” I said, sounding bored. It wasn’t worth arguing with Anna to convince her that this wasn’t just a temp job from some body-shop agency.

“You don’t eat,” she continued.

“I’m eating a very fattening ham and cheese croissant right now. Next topic.”

“You’re being anti-social. You don’t go out with anybody.”

“I hang out with you and Ethan all the time.”

“We don’t count. We’re newlyweds and frankly, we haven’t had much time alone since you got back from London,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me.

What she was saying was true. I’d been spending most of my evenings at Anna’s house. I would eat dinner with them and then head home afterwards. I just didn’t want to be alone because whenever I had too much solitary time, my thoughts took me to a place I didn’t want to be reminded of. It was those quiet times alone when I missed Ryan the most. My heart would ache so much it physically hurt and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“You guys dated for five years, you’ve had plenty of time to be alone,” I said dryly. I only said this because I knew she really didn’t mind that I was coming over all the time. It was just her attempt at trying to get me to be more social with others.

“All you do is run and work,” Anna continued.

I nodded. “Yup.”

Anna studied me and then finally blew out an exasperated breath. “Okay, fine. Next topic. I have someone I’d like to set you up with. He works in Ethan’s office. I met him at a dinner party when you were in London. He’s thirty-two and totally hot. He used to play soccer at the UW. I thought I would wait a few weeks before springing him on you.” She had a mischievous grin on her face. “What do you think about a double date next weekend?”

My eyes widened and I looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious? It’s only been six weeks and I’ve been dumped
twice
this year! That at least allows me a few months to wallow in my own misery and spend a lot of money on random things and not think about men
… at all!” I argued angrily. “I don’t need another rejection right now. If you haven’t figured it out yet, my ego is at an all-time low. So no! Totally no!” I exclaimed emphatically. I mean, was she really that clueless about my current state of mind? Of course she was. That was Anna for you; the girl who had never been dumped.

“Well, that’s just it, Jules. There’s nothing better to boost your ego than a rebound guy. It doesn’t have to be serious. Just flirt, get laid, have some fun, feel attractive again. I mean, your new hairdo is awesome and sexy. You look great, so just get out there again.”

“Anna, you just need to lay off for a while on this, okay? I’m serious. I’m not ready yet,” I whined.

“Jules, you’re turning into a hermit. You’re twenty-nine years old. These are your prime dating years. Remember your work back schedule?”

“Ugh! Seriously, Anna, do you really have to remind me of—”

Just then, Anna’s eyes bulged and practically doubled in size. I stopped talking and turned my head to follow her gaze. Ryan was walking into the cafe.

He noticed Anna first, since she was the one facing the door. The bakery café wasn’t large. It had only eight small tables and a bar of chairs facing a counter along a windowed wall. There were some sofas near the back of the café, but we weren’t sitting there. We were sitting in one of the tables near the front of the cafe. Anna and I were hard to miss. It only took a split second for Ryan to realize that I was sitting across from Anna.

When our eyes met, it was as if time had stopped and there was some vortex tunnel between Ryan and me. Every sound and sensory stimulation just got sucked out of it and there was only the two of us. Ryan was obviously taken by surprise and stood frozen. The gaping hole in my chest took on a heartbeat again. It started thumping so loudly I was afraid the whole cafe could hear it. Then the vortex disappeared as fast as it arrived. Catherine entered my field of vision as she trailed in the door a few seconds behind him. She halted when she realized who Ryan was staring at.

I turned back around quickly and started to breathe shallow, pained breaths. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I should’ve known this was going to happen at some point. Sometimes Queen Anne felt like a small neighborhood; I was always bumping into people I knew. I looked at Anna, panicked.

“Wow
… this is awkward,” Anna mumbled under her breath.

It was 9:30 in the morning, so they must’ve come from Ryan’s home, together. I tried to wipe images of their morning out of my mind.

Even though Catherine was sick, she still looked fabulous. In the cool October weather, she was bundled in cream cashmere sweater which she wore over body hugging skinny jeans, her beautiful, long blond hair cascading over her shoulders. Without thinking, I automatically touched one hand up to my hair, reminding myself that my long brown hair was no longer there. It made me feel that much more awkward and self-conscious.

“He’s coming over here,” Anna whispered.

Before I could turn my head, Ryan was standing next to our table. I glanced up at him slowly and just a little anxiously. He gazed at me with what I thought were my mirrored emotions. Inside, I felt so happy to see him but I had to restrain myself from jumping up and hugging him. At the same time, seeing him brought me instant sadness and pain. He looked heartbreakingly beautiful and I ached to touch him. Looking at him made me feel like my heart was breaking all over again.