Nerd Girl (41 page)

Ryan wrapped one arm over my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. I breathed in his fresh-out-of-the-shower scent. Despite all the questions still floating unanswered in my head, I couldn’t help relaxing into his arms. “I’m sorry, Julia. I guess I hadn’t really thought about all of this stuff yet.” He gave me an apologetic smile. “Men, right?”

I returned his smile with a wry one.

“You know,” he said, looking at me from under his eyelashes. “I did tell Will about you.”

“Really?” I asked incredulously. I hadn’t expected to hear that.

“Yeah, really.” The corners of his lips turned up slowly. “You’re important to me. I love you. You’re all I think about. Sitting there with Will, all I wanted to do was run home to be with you.” He chuckled at my surprised expression.

“What did you tell him about me?”

“He was surprised to hear that Catherine and I broke up. I didn’t get into all the details with him, but I told him only the truth. Catherine and I were better suited as friends. And
… that I fell in love.”

My heart fluttered and his comment made me smile. I’m sure the conversation was more extensive than that, but I decided to let it go. I heard what I needed to hear.

“We’ll all go out sometime. I’d love for you to meet Will and Michelle.”

“Okay, I’d like that. That would be fun,” I said, much happier now.

“I
do
think that
some
discretion is still warranted right now. I think it would be smart for us keep it on the down low for anyone in our two organizations, at least until things settle down.”

I nodded in agreement.

“As for my mom and Lauren, I’ll set up something so that you have the chance to meet them.”

“I know your mom knows about us, but does Lauren?”

“Yeah, she does,” he said with a nod. “It’s sort of difficult to hide a broken engagement from your sister.”

I nodded in understanding. The idea of meeting them made me nervous. Lauren, Catherine, and his mom were close. They had a shared history together. I wasn’t sure how receptive they were of me entering Ryan’s life. What if they thought I was a homewrecker?

Ryan saw my uncertainty and tried to reassure me, squeezing me closer to him. “Once they get to know you, they’ll see how happy you’ve made me and come to love you, too,” he said with gentle confidence.

I wasn’t as confident as he was, but I had to trust him for now.

I decided to focus on the positive. He was sharing information about me to his friends! I wasn’t a shameful secret, which is what I think I was actually afraid of. Secrets meant things were temporary. I wanted to know that he was proud to be with me. He basically told me just now that I had nothing to worry about and I felt silly for even thinking I did. I was glad that I had brought it up, though. It had been nibbling at me for quite some time, and I had no idea how much it weighed on me until the weight had been removed.

I climbed onto his lap, straddling him, and held his face between my hands. I kissed him gently and thoroughly. He was already growing hard, so I rubbed myself up against him, causing his breath to hitch. His hands were already inside my camisole, heating and caressing my skin. His thumbs brushed over my already hardened nipples and a moan escaped my lips. He quickly pulled my camisole up over my head and flipped me over onto my back in one single move. My book fell to the floor. He hovered over me and moved his lips downward. I sighed in anticipation.

I worked from home again today. This time, I didn’t even pretend to work, but I did look into the MS procurement and vendor policies. I also looked into what was required to get my own business license. The more and more I thought about it, the idea of becoming a yellow badge temporarily, until I knew what my next career move would be, was looking more and more attractive.

As I read through websites on how to set up my own small business, my phone rang. It was Ryan.

“Miss me already?” I teased him. It wasn’t even noon yet.

“Always,” he said.

“What’s going on?” I asked, pouring myself another cup of coffee.

“Catherine called me this morning.”

My body stilled. I was glad he wasn’t able to see my physical reaction and surprise. “What did she want?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. I held my breath, waiting for him to continue.

“She asked if I could meet her for an early dinner tonight. I didn’t think we had any set plans, so I said yes. Are you okay with that?”

No, I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to sound like a jealous girlfriend. “Did she say why?”

“She just said that she really needed to talk to me about something that was better said in person. She didn’t sound too good. I’m a little worried about her. Since I’m responsible for what she’s going through right now, I feel obligated to see how she’s doing and just make sure she’s okay; that she’s taking care of herself, you know?”

“When you break up with someone, isn’t it easier for them if you don’t put more salt on the wound?” I asked him carefully.

“Yeah, I hear you. But, Julia, she sounded really
… off somehow. I feel that I owe her this. I hope you can understand.”

“I do, Ryan. Do what you think you need to do.” I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, trying to convince myself that I was okay with this. I told myself that I was glad he was being so upfront with me. Even though I wasn’t happy about him seeing Catherine again so soon, the last thing I wanted to do was make him regret opening up to me about it.

“I’ll make it an early dinner, so that you and I can still spend a part of the evening together, yeah?” he suggested, trying to sound reassuring.

“Okay, sure. I’ll see you later tonight then.”

I spent a quiet evening alone at home instead of going out while Ryan was gone. I think the last time I spent a Friday night at home was before I had started my new job, which was only a few weeks ago, but it felt like a year. It’s amazing how much my life has changed in such a short period of time.

I was a little tense, knowing that my boyfriend was having dinner with his ex-fiancé. I trusted him, but I wasn’t sure I trusted her. I couldn’t help thinking that there was something more to this dinner than Catherine just having a hard time with the break up. I guess I could’ve called up Anna to hang out, but since I was feeling a bit melancholy, I opted to just take a bubble bath. I poured myself a glass of red wine and took a big first gulp, then laid back and closed my eyes.

Everything about Ryan and me just worked. I had never felt so in tune with someone. He made me feel loved, safe, and hopeful. Time didn’t seem to exist and just being in his presence was all I needed to feel content and happy.

The problem was, despite the confidence I felt about Ryan’s feelings for me, I couldn’t shake the premonition that something bad was about to happen. Things were going too well. I had due reason not to trust the laws of nature—I’d been screwed over one too many times. For someone who was innately intuitive, sometimes I was also an idiot and in denial about a good many things
… Intuition and denial were not a good working combination.

After several heartbreaks, I knew I had developed a complex. I was confident when it came to my career, but I lacked confidence in my relationships. That was my MO. I really wanted to believe that this time would be different. My subconscious supported this time as different and was constantly reminding me
that it’s nothing to worry about.
It’s Ryan
.
He won’t screw you over. He’s the one you’ve been looking for your entire life.

If I was upset merely because Ryan was having dinner with Catherine right now, then I was just being a jealous fool. Rationalization or not, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more than a casual dinner going on. As I relaxed in my bath, I came to the conclusion that I would go mad if I tried to make any more sense out of my premonition. There was no point in worrying about something that hasn’t happened.

Normally when I felt this anxious, I would go for a run. Running always cleared my head. Given that I was in the middle of a bath, getting sweaty and dirty again probably wasn’t the best idea.

I opted for more wine instead. After drying off, I covered myself in a subtle rosemary mint body lotion and pulled on one of Ryan’s t-shirts. I breathed in his scent and it immediately made me feel closer to him. I poured another glass of wine and cozied myself up on the sofa, picking up the next chapter of my book.

Just when the Tri-wizard Tournament was announced, I heard the door buzzer. It was still early, only 8:30. Ryan was back earlier than I expected. I took this as good news; obviously he didn’t feel the need to stay in Catherine’s company longer than he intended.

“Hi, babe,” I said as I opened the door.

Ryan gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. It wasn’t the overly enthusiastic greeting I’ve become use to, but I tried not to let my disappointment show.

“Hi,” he replied. He gave me small smile, but it never reached his eyes.

“So, how did it go?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Fine,” he said, but then his face actually contorted into a grimace.

“Okkaaaay,” I replied cautiously. “That great, huh?”

Ryan was silent. He looked uneasy. His lips were pressed together in a tight line. “Do you mind if we talk about it later?”

“Yeah, sure.” I wasn’t sure exactly what to say, but if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to force him. There was an awkward silence. I could only come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to talk about it with me. I was too wimpy to call him on it, fearing I would sound like a jealous, overbearing girlfriend.

I could tell he wasn’t in his usual good mood and he was obviously distracted from whatever happened at dinner. The awkwardness was a first for us and I didn’t like how it was bringing out my insecurities. Did Catherine tell him something to make him rethink his decision about their engagement? Maybe he saw her tonight and realized he was still in love with her. I knew I was jumping to conclusions; I just needed to take a moment and calm down. As much as it was going to kill me to not say anything, I needed to respect his privacy and let it go for now. I bit my tongue, honored his request, and gave him the space he needed. Instead of asking him any further questions, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie on Netflix.

We opted for a Steve Carell romantic comedy with the added bonus of Ryan Gosling as one of his co-stars. As soon as we were on the sofa, we lay down together, his arms tight around me. Even though his mood was still off kilter, at least he wanted to be near me physically. I took comfort in his strong embrace as he squeezed his arms more securely around my waist and nuzzled his face into my hair.

We spooned on the sofa during the movie; his free hand softly moving up and down my arm giving me goosebumps. But unlike me, he wasn’t laughing in all the right parts. He was obviously still distracted from his earlier time with Catherine.

Unable to stand it any longer, I spoke up. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He removed his arm from my waist and sat up. He looked at me with a grave expression on his face. I sat up, too, and met his gaze. I was worried now and my expression mirrored his. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach.
Why did I always think the worst?

“Catherine found a lump in her breast,” he said somberly.

What?
That wasn’t what I expected him to say.

“She had a biopsy on it yesterday. She’ll get the results on Monday.” He paused, waiting for me to digest this information.

“Oh my God,” I blurted. I wanted to say more, to ask questions, but I could only stare blankly, my eyes blinking, making sure I heard him right. Earlier in the week, when Mia and I passed her on the stairs, I recalled Catherine saying she had a doctor appointment, because she was cancelling her team meeting, but my brain never went to cancer.

“She asked me to come with her to her appointment on Monday,” Ryan continued in a soft, even voice.

I let out a long breath. I realized he wasn’t asking for my permission. It was a foregone conclusion and he was just telling me about it. I should be glad that he was being honest with me about everything, but why was I uncomfortable with it? I was being petty and immature and I needed to stop. Any feelings of discomfort I might have about this, didn’t compare to what Catherine was going through.