Naturally Naughty (18 page)

The limb seemed to be dangling a little closer to the ground. Eureka! I’d found the secret.

Holding my trusty dog leash, I walked the limb in another couple of circles and then, standing back, I pulled and tugged again, then let it go, watching as it spun and cracked again.

Then I did a few reverse circles and then back forwards again.

Suddenly there was an awesome crack and the whole limb fell to the ground. I’d done it! I was victorious! I had triumphed over the stubborn tree limb! I smiled up into the pecan tree. No more pesky broken limb!

“Ummmm… Shannon?”

“What, Clayton? I did it! Did you see I did it?”

“Yes, but… ummm… isn’t that Uncle Landon’s?”

I followed his gaze to where the tree limb rested safely on the ground. As I looked a little closer, I saw what Clayton was pointing to.

What looked like a big hunk of scratched green metal was crumpled underneath the limb.

I tried to make sense of what I was seeing when it hit me. Landon’s new barbecue grill!

“Landon is gonna kill me!”

In my desire to pull the tree limb down, I’d totally forgotten to move the grill out of the way. I’d even walked around it on my circuits with the tree limb.

This was bad… very bad. Maybe he wouldn’t notice…

* * *

I tried everything I could think of to get my nemesis, that stupid tree limb off the barbecue pit. It was no use; the damn tree limb was too heavy for me to move more than a few inches.

I sighed with frustration as I sat down on the front porch stairs and looked at the tree limb.
That damn tree limb.

Clayton sat beside me, shaking his head. “That damn tree limb,” he parroted.

Shit, had I said that out loud?

Great! In addition to destroying Landon’s grill, I was furthering my nephew’s language skills. My sister was sure to be tickled pink!

Clayton and I were still sitting there side by side staring at the tree limb when Landon got home.

Landon, seeing us on the front steps, walked over to say hello, freezing in his tracks at the sight of the tree limb and his mangled barbecue.

I jumped up from my perch. “Landon, I’m sooo sorry.”

He shook his head. “I should have taken care of that limb last week. I’m just thankful it didn’t fall on you or Clayton.”

As Landon put his arm around me, hugging me to his side, I realized that I had a golden opportunity. He didn’t seem to realize the tree limb had a little help in its demise.

“I should have known it would fall eventually.”

I felt my heart swell with hope, nudging aside the tiny niggle of guilt. I was gonna get off scot-free!

Of course I hadn’t remembered one very important thing. Clayton.

“Oh, it didn’t fall, Uncle Landon, Shannon pulled it down all by herself! You should have seen it, she was like the incredible hulk!”

Out of the mouths of babes! I was doomed.

I felt Landon’s body go rigid next to me. I turned to face him, backing up as I saw the intense heat building in his gaze.

“I can explain!”

Landon crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the pecan tree that had gotten me into this mess to begin with.

“Well, like you said, the tree limb needed to be dealt with. I had Clayton today so I didn’t want him playing out here in the yard with that thing looming there like an accident waiting to happen.”

“Shannon, you’re the accident waiting to happen. How did you get it down? You could barely even reach the lowest part of the dead branch.”

I smiled triumphantly. “I had a plan!”

“Oh, god… why me?” Landon rubbed a weary hand over his eyes and then looked heavenward as if in appeal.

I chose to ignore him and continued with my story. “I got two dog leashes and connected them, then swung one end up over the limb, caught the other end, and stuck the end through. You know Sassy’s leash with the red rubber bone on it? It made the perfect grip! Then it was only a matter of pulling against the branch. Of course it wasn’t as easy as I first thought it would be, I kind of had to twist it a few times to get it to finally fall, but there it is!” Then I remembered the barbecue and ran out of steam. “Of course I kinda forgot to move your barbecue pit. I’m sorry, but at least the tree limb is down.”

“Of all the hare-brained ideas. It’s a wonder it’s not you or Clayton lying under that tree limb!”

I winced at the bite in Landon’s words. “I made Clayton stand back in the driveway.”

“Well, thank god for that!”

“I told her it wasn’t a good idea, Uncle Landon.”

I turned to glare at Clayton. The little traitor! My nephew had turned into Eddie Haskell before my very eyes. So much for being like the incredible hulk!

“Shannon, wait for me in the house. I’m going to run Clayton home.”

I started to argue, but then after careful study of Landon’s strained features I thought better of it. I kissed Clayton goodbye and made it indoors in record time.

As I waited, I paced the living room. It was certain that Landon planned to light a fire in my behind upon his return. I wondered if I had time to join the Peace Corps and make it to Cambodia before he got back.

I’d heard Cambodia was nice this time of year; at least the climate would be a lot better than the one in my living room when Landon got back.

Landon stormed into the living room. Before I had a chance to say as much as hello, I was face down across his lap with my shorts and panties at my knees.

Landon apparently wasn’t in the mood to chatter because his hand did
all
the talking. In fact, it talked so hard, I was howling in a matter of seconds.

“
Oooooooowwwwwwwww! Ooooowwwww!
I’m soooorrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

When my butt was hot enough that he could have grilled steaks on it and forgone replacing the grill, he finally stopped and started lecturing.

As I hung miserably over his knee, I only heard about every three words or so through my sniffles.

“…can’t believe… foolish… killed… Clayton… no business… ever again…”

Even though I missed most of the words, his meaning was clear. I’d was never to try limb removal myself without supervision again. No way, no how.

Then Landon lifted me to stand before him and bent me over the arm of the couch.

This was so not good!

I heard him unbuckle his belt and tried to get up.

“Oh, no, you don’t. I think five licks with my belt will ensure you remember this conversation.”

Was I in danger of forgetting? I think
not
.

The first lick caught me low on the under-curve of my bottom and brought me high onto my toes with a gasp. The second had me dancing. The third caused a shimmy that would have put a burlesque dancer to shame. The fifth and sixth seemed to land exactly where the first had and nearly sent me over the arm of the couch.

Then I was in Landon’s arms and he was rocking me to and fro.

“I’m sorry about the grill, Landon,” I wailed into his wet shirtfront.

He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t care about the grill, baby. The grill can be replaced.
You
are one of a kind.”

Then he kissed me deeply and cupped my tender bottom in his palms.

And then… well, that story is better left for another time…

Epilogue

Landon and I have been married for almost fifteen years now. It’s hard to believe how much trouble I used to get into.

Now I’m an old married woman and the mother of three. I’m way too busy to get into trouble.

Honest. I explain this to Landon every chance I get.

So imagine how shocked I was when I sat down at the table after serving my precious progeny their supper and my oldest son, Nathan, looked at my husband and ratted me out. “Dad, you’re never gonna believe what mom did today…”

Landon’s brow quirked at me, then he looked back at Nathan. “Son, I doubt anything your mother could do would surprise me.”

“Landon!” I said, admonishing him for speaking so in front of our precious children—although some were not quite as precious as they once were.

“Shannon.”

It’s funny how these days, just the sound of my name on his lips and that certain undeniable tone is enough to close my mouth.

What can I say? Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The End

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