Naturally Naughty (13 page)

I told myself not to panic, the flame will die down in a second… surely it will burn itself out in a minute… anytime now…
shit!!

I knew I had a
big
problem when I heard the glass pop.

I frowned. The candle was sitting on top of my book, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ and it looked like my cheese was gonna move in a big way if I didn’t intervene quickly.

I did the first thing I thought of; I took a deep breath and… blew hard.

Uh-ohh!!!

The Humongo Flame became
Giganto Flame
with the burst of air.

Since I like my living room the toasty brown color it is and not charbroiled, it was time for plan B.

I picked up the book, glass bowl, and giant flame from hell and carried it all to the kitchen.

Funny how frightening it is carrying a big flame; I wonder if the people who carry the Olympic torch worry about their eyebrows?

The book was rather hot so I hurried to the sink and slid the bowl from the book. The book spared, it was time to save the rest of the house.

Now you would think that when dumped into the sink and the bowl around it shattered, the flame would go out.

Wouldn’t you?

Nope.

I now had a sink of flame. So, I turned on the water.

Imagine my surprise when the flame shot straight up in one last blaze of glory before becoming a small flame. I sprayed it once more and it winked totally out.

Thank the lord!

Then I looked down at the mess. My pristine white sink was covered in black greasy wax and shattered glass.

“What the hell?”

I turned to see Landon standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

“We had a small fire.”

“I see.”

“It made a big mess.”

“Looks like.”

“It’s too hot to clean up just now.”

“What caught on fire?”

“That big candle your sister gave me.”

“The one I suggested you blow out before I left because it was almost out of wax?”

“Yes… but I figured it would do like all my other candles and just go out when all the wax was gone.”

“It didn’t do that.”

“No shit, Sherlock. Didn’t I just tell you I had a little fire?” Okay, that was rude, but fighting fire made me a little edgy.

“You need to learn to listen.”

“I listen just fine.”

“Seems to me I told you to blow that candle out.”

“I listened; I just chose to trust my own judgment on the matter, which I admit on this occasion was a little faulty.”

“I’ve also told you before not to use the phrase, ‘No shit, Sherlock.’ Haven’t I?”

“If you want to get technical.”

“You’d better watch it, Shannon. You’re dancing a little close to the flame.”

“Just leave me alone! I have a big mess to clean up. I know I should have blown the candle out when you suggested it.
I
screwed up, okay?
I get it! There, are you satisfied?” I think the flame from hell fried my brains.

“Not quite, ask me in another minute or two,” Landon said as he tucked me under one arm and began to light a fire in my butt. Even through my pants his hard hand stung like the dickens.

“
Ooooooooowwwwwwwwwww!
I’m sorrrreeeeeeee! Uncle!!”

Landon laughed and let me up. “Yes, I think I am.”

I frowned, rubbing my stinging bottom. “You are what?”

“Satisfied.”

I made a face before turning back to the mess in the sink. As if I’d asked!
Hmmmpf.

The Cruise Control is My Friend

It had been such a long day. All I could think about was getting home. I was tired and hot. What possessed me to wear long sleeves in the summer I will never know.

I saw the highway patrolman on the other side of the median and immediately looked at the speedometer.
Shit!!
It said eighty-six miles an hour.

So I worriedly chewed my bottom lip and watched my rearview mirror.

Sure enough, it didn’t take long at all before he made it to my side of the highway and was flashing his lights at me. I guess the fact that since I’d spotted him I’d set the cruise control to a sedate sixty-five didn’t impress him.

I pulled to the side of the road with a sigh and turned down the radio. I dutifully pulled my proof of insurance from the glove compartment, then grabbed my billfold so I could give him my license.

“Good afternoon, ma’am.”

“Hello.” I said in a soft voice handing him my information before he had a chance to ask. Did his lips quirk just a little?

“I pulled you over for speeding. Do you have an emergency?”

I sighed and shook my head with a sad smile. “No, sir, I’m afraid I was just zoning and didn’t realize how fast I was going.”

He nodded once and then excused himself.

I waited and thought about how much I
did not
need a ticket. Lectures and possible reprisals aside, I couldn’t afford it. My insurance was higher than a cat’s back already and I didn’t have the money to pay the fine either.

I was definitely up that well-known creek without so much as a Popsicle stick, much less a paddle.

The officer returned, clipboard in hand. Then a miracle occurred.

“I’m issuing you a warning today, ma’am. You need to slow it down and be careful,” he said, handing me the clipboard so I could sign the written warning.

I took it while nodding my head vigorously. “Yes, sir. I will.”

I smiled brilliantly up at him as I handed back his clipboard.

“Where do you work?” he asked with a grin.

“I work at a nursing home.”

“Is it cold there?”

I frowned, puzzled by the question. “Well, sometimes it’s cold, sometimes it’s hot. The residents can never agree so they are either freezing us out or frying us.”

He grinned outright. “I noticed the long sleeves and wondered.”

“Oh.” He was kind of cute. Was he flirting with me?

“What seems to be the problem here?”

I cringed. I knew that voice all too well. Landon!

“I was just giving the lady a warning for speeding.”

“You gave
her
a warning?” I felt a flush creeping up my neck at the incredulous tone in Landon’s voice.

“You know the lady?”

“The lady is my fianceé and she deserves a great deal more than a warning.”

“Landon!” I could have died on the spot. He didn’t have to talk about me like I was some criminal mastermind!

I got a very dark look for the interruption.

“I wouldn’t get in too big a hurry to get my attention, Shannon, you’ll have it soon enough.”

I sank low in my seat at his words, my stomach a liquid pool at my feet.

I watched in the rearview mirror as Landon and the highway patrolman walked behind my car to chat.

Landon looked at the warning slip, then glared at the back of my car. This was definitely bad news bears for my booty.

All too soon the other squad car was pulling away from the shoulder and Landon was back at my window.

“I think you’d better go on home, young lady. I won’t be far behind you.”

I looked up into my beloved’s stern face and nodded. I knew anything I said would only make things worse and for once I decided not to make things worse.

“Shannon?”

“Yes?”

“I will be behind you and you better be five miles
under
the speed limit the entire way. Am I understood?”

I nodded again.

“I asked you a question.”

“I answered you.”
Sheesh!

“Shannon.”

“Yes, sir, I understand.”

“Better.” Then after one more frown, he turned and walked back to his car.

I guess a kiss would have been too much to hope for.

Funny how quickly you get somewhere when you aren’t in a hurry. I swear the trip was faster than when I was rivaling the drivers in the Indy 500.

Landon was at my car door helping me out and into the house in record time.

Once inside, I shifted nervously from one foot to the other.

I didn’t have long to wonder about the fate of my backside.

“Go get the bath brush.”

“The bath brush?”

“You heard me.”

I was already wincing at the thought as I headed for the bathroom. I frowned at the large oval wooden brush; it had to be an inch and a half thick. This was going to be decidedly unpleasant.

I carried the dreaded brush back to Landon where he waited on the couch. “Um, Landon?”

“Yes?” He barely glanced up from rolling up his sleeves.

“I don’t think you really want to use this, how ‘bout I go get my hairbrush?” It was a sad day when I was offering to get that!

“I think this one will serve my purpose just fine.” He pulled me face down across his lap and quickly bared my bottom to his gaze. “I intend to see to it that you remember this every time you sit in the driver’s seat for a good week.”

“A week!? Landon, let’s talk about this!”

“We are. I’m talking, you’re listening.” Then his hand began to pepper my bottom with stinging heat.

“
Oooooowwwwwww!
”

“Is this the first time we’ve talked about this?”

“Noooooo… oooooowwwwwwwwwww! Oooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!”

“How many tickets have you had?”

“This wasn’t a ticket! It was just a warning!”

Bad thing to point out. The next sound I heard was the bath brush connecting with my tush!

“
Oooowwwwwwwwwwww!
”

“Did you or did you not get pulled over for speeding?”

“
I did… I did!
”

“How many times have you been pulled over for the same thing?”

Now
that
was a loaded question. No way was I answering that!

“I’ve gotten twenty-nine tickets!” I yelled as the brush continued to make searing contact.

“That in itself is
unacceptable!
I’d better not hear of you
ever
getting pulled over again. Unless it’s because you’re going too slow!”

The brush came down to punctuate each and every word.

“Yes, sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwooooooowwwww!” I wailed.

He brought the brush down again and again to make sure he got his point across before finally turning me in his arms and holding me close to his chest.

“I love you, but I will not tolerate such reckless behavior.”

I sniffed and sobbed my apologies into his chest.

“I mean it, Shannon, if this ever comes up again, you simply won’t drive.”

“Landon, I have to drive!” I sat straight up in his lap.

He pinned me with his commanding eyes. “I’m telling you if I
ever
find out you’ve been speeding again, you won’t. It’ll be the bus, a bicycle, or walking.”

He was totally serious. “But Landon…”

“I mean it, Shannon. I’ll have your license revoked if that’s what it takes.”

I slumped against him with a nod as I practiced my new mantra in my head. “The cruise control is my friend… the cruise control is my friend… the cruise control is my friend…”

Sex, Spanking, and the Married Woman

Our wedding was beautiful. Everything I could have ever hoped for. My sister and her kids, Landon’s family, friends, and even Sebrina and Ryan came all the way from Pennsylvania.

I was now Mrs. Landon Bridges; I smiled as I walked into the reception hall on my husband’s arm. Everything was absolutely perfect!

Well, except Landon’s great aunt Gertrude; she was a bit of a battleax who always managed to make me feel like a misbehaving dog that just peed on the carpet. Landon’s mother, Helen, had already warned me the relationship wouldn’t improve.

“I still fully expect to be whacked with a newspaper one day,” Helen had confided to me as she and my sister helped me into my wedding dress.

I hadn’t said anything but I did wonder if Landon’s proclivity for corporal punishment ran in the family.

I’d determined to stay as far away from Aunt Gert as I could manage. Of course, that was the first person Landon led me up to after entering the banquet hall.

“Aunt Gertie!” he said enthusiastically as he leaned down to hug her. “I’m so glad to have you here to share this day with us.”

Aunt Gert hugged Landon back and patted him in a commiserating way. “My dear boy. Are you sure she isn’t pregnant?”

I gasped. The old bat!

“Now Aunt Gertie, I already told you Shannon isn’t pregnant. We plan to wait a while before having a family,” he explained.

Gert sighed and studied me like a bug that just walked across her freshly mopped floor. “Well, I suppose if you love her… we’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Aunt Gertie, please don’t be rude to my wife. I do love her and I know once you get to know her, you will too.”

This time both Gert and I looked at Landon like he’d lost his mind. I was done; with a small polite smile at the Queen of the Damned, I went up on my tiptoes to kiss Landon’s cheek. “Honey, I see Seb and Ryan… I need to go say hi.”

“Okay, honey, I’ll catch up in a minute.”

I hurried away from Landon and Elvira and quickly found Seb and Ryan.

“Babe! The wedding was so beautiful! You looked fabulous… I love that dress… I…”

I grabbed her arm, smiled at Ryan, and pulled her away. “I have to talk to you.”

“What’s wrong, babe?” Seb asked in concern.

“Great Aunt Gert is horrid!”

“Come on, babe, she can’t be that bad!” Seb said with a laugh.

“She just asked Landon
again
if I was pregnant!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Sebrina yelled, outraged on my behalf.

“I know she’s an old…”

“Shhhh… babe…” Sebrina hissed at me.

“Battleax!”

“I think Sebrina was trying to let you know I’m standing behind you, Shannon,” Landon said directly in my ear.

I jumped about a foot and spun to face him. “I’m sorry, honey. She just hurt my feelings.”

Landon grinned at me as he leaned down to kiss me. “I know, baby. I’m sorry. Aunt Gertie can be difficult but I love her; can you try to tolerate her for me?”