MYTH-Interpretations: The Worlds of Robert Asprin (31 page)

can't you take a joke
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INVPROG is

PRIORITY I PRIORITY I

SECURITY HAS BEEN BREACHED

MALESUBJ II HAS JUST ENTERED TRANS ROOM

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to AE449 from COMCON

report at once
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what is your condition
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to COMCON from AE449 subject CONDREP priority II

situation in hand
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no apparent danger
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MALESUBJ II claims he was looking for more Scotch
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was informed adequate supplies of same on hand in CAPRM for adjustment
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claims supplies were inadequate and have been depleted
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was informed to req another bottle from the case if his first one was empty
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claims case is empty
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repeats claim of inadequate supplies
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further claims we have lousy security
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please advise
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to AE449 from COMCON

confirm MALESUBJ II's claim of poor security
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investigate at once
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to COMCON from AE449 subject SECINV priority II

SecOff claims guards were seduced from post by FEMSUBJS
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will be disciplined as soon as they are found
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Gremlin is missing
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FEMSUBJ I claims this is normal
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others confirm
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to AE449 from COMCON

Gremlins do not exist
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find him at once
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to COMCON from AE449 subject CLARF priority II

please repeat
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to AE449 from COMCON

cancel last order
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are any other SUBJS missing
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to COMCON from AE449 subject SUBJCNT priority II

yes and not
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to AE449 from COMCON

clarify
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repeat
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clarify
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to COMCON from AE449 subject SUBJCNT priority II

SUBJS are not in CAPRM
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they are all over the ship
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locations are known
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except gremlin
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to AE449 from COMCON

Gremlins do not exist
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how are locations known
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do you expect unified escape attempt
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request further info-bkgnd on SUBJS
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they are displaying abnormal behavior
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to COMCON from AE449 subject SUBJINFO priority III

do not anticipated unified escape attempt
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location of SUBJS known because they are driving the crew nuts
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may encounter morale problem with crew
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SUBJS are deluging them with questions about ship equip
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many are laughing openly at the answers
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claim that we are

very inferior as superior beings go
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SUBJBKGND
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it seems that all vess-occ are Science Fiction writers, editors, artists, or fans
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to AE449 from COMCON

WHY WAS THIS INFORMATION NOT FORWARDED AT ONCE
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VESS-OCC MAY BE EXTREMELY VALUABLE
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ARTISANS AND SCHOLARS ARE A RARE CATCH
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ALL FURTHER COMMUNICATIONS ARE TO BE HELD DIRECTLY WITH CENTCOM
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to CENTCOM from AE449 subject SUPTRANS priority II

SUBJS exhibit extreme willingness to cooperate
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supply list follows
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TWO CASES SCOTCH
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SIX LBS COFFEE
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EIGHTEEN CARTONS OF CIGARETTES
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ONE TIN OF ASPIRIN
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TWENTY REAMS OF PAPER
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ANY AND ALL TECH MANUALS OF OUR SPACECRAFT
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also we would request a tube of Cobalt Blue to use as bait in our attempts to locate Gremlin
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to AE449 from CENTCOM

Gremlins do not exist
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therefore no need for Cobalt Blue
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also reject request for Tech Manuals
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let's not be stupid about our cooperation
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all other requests granted
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order is being assembled
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to CENTCOM from AE449 subject SUBJCO-OP priority II

MALESUBJ II has offered to re-organize our Military System
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requests we return HMPLNT to pick up friend of his to assist in project
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to AE449 from CENTCOM

clarification requested
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if friends are regular military suspect plot
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to CENTCOM from AE449 subject CLARIF priority II

have inquired MALESUBJ II as to nature of his friends
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gives assurance they are as irregular as they come
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to AE449 from CENTCOM

we have heard of the Irregulars
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request denied
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repeat
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request denied
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if he insists shoot him
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to CENTCOM from AE449 subject INFOREQ priority II

MALESUBJ III discovered in Captain's Quart reading ship's log
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claims it lack both originality and characterization
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INFOREQ
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what is a neo-alien
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to AE449 from CENTCOM

term neo-alien not in evidence on MstrFile
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am forwarding INFOREQ to EMPSTFF
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to AE449 from EMPSTFF

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE
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RETURN SHIP TO MILITARY STATUS AT ONCE
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SUBJS ARE CAPTORS
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YOU ARE IN COMMAND OF SHIP
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CONDUCT ALL FURTHER COMMUNICATIONS IN A MANNER FITTING TO YOUR RANK OR IT WILL BE REDUCED
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to EMPSTFF from AE449 subject EMPSTFF priority I

BLOW IT OUT YOUR EARS
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to AE449 from EMPSTFF

CLARIFY LAST TRANS
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to EMPSTFF from AE449

we have located Gremlin
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to AE449 from EMPSTFF

Gremlins do not exist
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still awaiting clarification
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it had better be good
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to EMPSTFF from AE449 subject FNLTRANS priority I

WE HAVE CRASHED ON P-4 –SYSTEM ST 883
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THE
MISSING GREMLIN HAS BEEN FOUND
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HE HAD BEEN USING HIS TIME TO PAINT SPACESCAPES ON THE NAVIGATION VIEWSCREENS
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THE STAR WE HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING LANDED US IN LAKE MICHIGAN
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VESS-OCC HAVE OFFERED POLITICAL ASYLUM FOR CREW FROM BOTH YOU AND P-4 PLANETARY OFFICIALS
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SO LONG TURKEY
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PS is there any chance you can still send those two cases of Scotch
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PPS Gremlins do too exist you Do-Do
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ET

The Ultimate Weapon

Robert Lynn Asprin

Tableau: Office—man in suit (Weston) is sitting at desk—girl (Lori) in conservative office suit is perched on edge of desk holding shotgun on him—youth in white canvas coveralls (Sammy) is speaking on the phone—as he is speaking, a second youth (George) is stripping off blazer, tie and white shirt to show a T-shirt.

Sammy:
That's right, we've got Weston
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what do you mean who are we? The PFA, the Peoples Freedom Alliance
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well you've heard of us now.
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Weston:
May I compliment you? You were most convincing as a reporter.

(Lori shrugs indifferently without moving the shotgun.)

Sammy:
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Right here in his office
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Just tell whoever you have to tell we'll kill him if you don't meet our demands.
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(George dons a shoulder holster and pistol, surveys scene, guns, picks up camera from desk and takes pictures of Lori and Weston.)

George:
Smile, Watson. We'll use this as the cover shot for our story.

Lori:
Quit clowning, George.

(George snaps another picture of her.)

Lori:
Sammy!

Sammy:
George! Fix the door, huh?

(George snaps picture of him, but starts moving toward the door.)

Sammy:
I'm sorry—what? Okay, all we want is this: first you stop the tests; second, you release full details of the weapon to the public; and third, we need a guarantee that it won't be tested until it has been thoroughly checked for
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What? Don't give me that!
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Just tell him!

(Slams phone down angrily.)

Lori:
What did they say?

Sammy:
Some double talk about not being authorized to act.

(George is pantomiming booby-trapping the door—carefully wiring detonator in place and setting charges around the room.)

Weston:
Who did you call?

Sammy:
The Pentagon. Who did you think we'd call, the Boy Scouts?

Weston:
You'd probably get better results calling the police. The boys at the Pentagon are pretty secretive.

Sammy:
What do the police have to do with it? They can't stop the tests.

Weston:
But they're more inclined to talk to the media. You are doing this for publicity, aren't you?

Lori:
Maybe you don't listen so good, mister. We want 'em stopped.

Sammy:
Nothing. Just what's on the news—and that's nothing. That's why we want 'em stopped.

Weston:
But if you don't know anything, how can you object to—?

Sammy:
An Ultimate Weapon! An Ultimate Weapon nobody will talk about. The aliens want sanctuary on this planet and offer up an ultimate weapon that will guarantee world peace, and we're all supposed to sit back and not ask questions until it's tested? No way, mister.

Weston:
Is that what's got you upset? Hell, kid, it was the press that gave it the Ultimate Weapon tag, not us.

George:
No such thing.

Weston:
What's that?

George:
There's no such thing as an Ultimate Weapon. I mean, they've been inventing Ultimate Weapons since the crossbow. Each one is going to end all wars. Well, there's always something bigger, or nastier, or more powerful. There's no such thing as an Ultimate Weapon.

Weston:
But then, why are you worried?

Sammy:
Just because it isn't Ultimate doesn't mean it isn't dangerous. An A-bomb isn't ultimate, but I wouldn't want 'em to set one off in my backyard.

Lori:
What do you know about this Ultimate Weapon, Weston?

Weston:
Me? Nothing. I just handle the press releases. I don't know anything more about it than you do.

Sammy:
Then why aren't you worried?

Weston:
Why? Well
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I guess I trust the Armed Forces' judgment.

Sammy:
Why?

Weston:
Why not? They haven't mishandled any of the other Ultimate Weapons at the control. If they were going to blow up the world, they would have done it by now.

Lori:
The other weapons are public knowledge—at least, what they're supposed to do. Why are they being so secretive about this one?

Weston:
Now, that's not right. Most of the weapons were secret until after they were tested. If anything is puzzling, its why they even announced this one prior to testing it.

Sammy:
Yeah, well what if they're wrong? What if all your experts have been flimflammed and it isn't safe? What happens then?

Weston:
I'll admit I hadn't given it much thought. I guess they'd just abandon the project.

George:
Can't be done.

Weston:
Oh, really now. Why would the aliens bring in a weapon to destroy the planet, if they want to settle here?

George:
I mean, you can't abandon a weapon. Disarmament is an illusion. You can't un-invent a weapon once it's been introduced. It'd be used by somebody, until something better comes along to take its place. The only way you could stop, much less reverse the process, would be to retard or reduce Man's intelligence. That's why there's no such thing as an Ultimate Weapon.