My Sweet Demise (Demise #1) (18 page)

My pink lace panties taunt me. How did he take them off so quickly?

He has a lot of practice.

I pick them up. They smell like chlorine and they’re ripped at the waist on both sides, as if he snapped them clear in half in a hurry to get to me. My current panties quiver in fear.

I hold them in my hands for a long time. I feel oddly nostalgic, as if part of me knows it will never happen again. Kent doesn’t do nice. He wants girls like Auburn Hair. He wants girls to punish because of Willow.

Willow…

Bitter thoughts form around her name. I bet if she were a virgin he’d kiss her feet and take her virginity from her. He’d make love to her in his bed and make her feel things she was too afraid to feel before him. I picture her beautiful face and them together. Kent and her, mouth to mouth, middle to middle, him thrusting into her the way he did Auburn Hair. He is her and she is him. They are one and I am by myself.

I’m usually by myself. Before Kent I preferred it. Being alone meant I couldn’t be left behind. Being left behind once was hard enough. Now thanks to Kent I am suddenly bitter of my preferred solitude. What do I expect? A commitment from Kent Nicholson? Forever from a man who doesn’t even do right now?

I drop my panties in disgust just as there’s knock on my door.

“What?” I growl.

“Are you going to stay in there all day?”

“Yes.”

“We need to talk.”

“Talk.”

“Open your door. Rain, please,” Kent begs softly.

His tone makes my eyes sting. I get up and open my door. He leans against the wall and crosses his arms over his chest, staring at me intently.

I meet his eyes unwillingly, shoving back the memories of his fingers inside of me. “Talk.”

“I apologize for my reaction. I don’t meet many virgins.” He pauses to give me a wry smile. When I don’t smile back, he sighs and runs a hand over the back of his neck uncomfortably. “I wanted to have sex with you this morning. Badly. Rough, backbreaking, leave-the-doubt-at-the-door sex. We were going to have sex. I was going to take your virginity and you weren’t even going to tell me?”

Backbreaking sex?
“How badly?”

“See what I mean? It’s like it’s not even a big deal to you. But I know that isn’t true. Why else would you wait this long and save it if it wasn’t important to you?”

“It means a lot to me.” Why is he making me do this?

“And?”

“And what?”

“You want to give it to a guy like me?” he demands angrily.

I shrug and look away. “I did.”

“Raina, look at me. Look at me, damn it!” He stomps over to me and grabs my face between his hands. “You wanted to give me your virginity?”

“Yes,” I whisper, a nervous pit forming in my stomach.

His eyes are fervent. “Why would you want to do that?” He leans forward.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do know. I think you know and you’re too afraid to admit it to yourself.”

“I barely know you,” I insist, my voice trembling.

“Raina,” Kent whispers, shaking his head, completely and utterly ignoring me. “I can’t be that guy. I’m not that guy. I may be a pig and a slut, whatever you want to call it, but I would never take a girl’s virginity for no reason. I knew you were too sweet for me. I knew it and I fell for it anyway.” His tone is so soft, yet his words pummel me. “Do you like me, Rain?”

Tears sting my eyes. “I don’t know how I feel.”

“But you wanted to have sex with me last night?” He sounds disbelieving.

“I want to have sex with you right now.” I can’t breathe. “I don’t want to think about how I feel, otherwise I won’t let myself feel it.” I look into his eyes and fall headfirst into them.

“You know why? Because you’re smart. You know I’m not the right guy for you. I know I’m not the right guy for you.” He shakes his head bitterly. “I’m still in love with Willow and that’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus I don’t do nice. Nice got me where I am. Nice broke my heart.” His voice breaks and he lets my face go and stumbles out of my room. “We can’t do this anymore. No more flirting, no more kissing, no more of that sexy shit you were doing in the car, and no more of this.” He waves his hand all over me, as if all of me is somehow the cause for what he’s feeling.

He’s slipping away from me. I let him go. I let Kent Nicholson leave before he takes me with him. It’s for the best.

Sometimes what’s best isn’t what we want.

It’s usually the opposite. Self-preservation exists for moments like this. These dangerous situations that require far more from us than anything we have to give it.

I want Kent, but clearly that want is wrong. I’ve been aware of that truth from the start. It isn’t a new piece of information I’m only now learning.

I’ve known all along that we couldn’t do this.

Somewhere along the lines I forgot my own rules. I have to keep my well-being in mind and protect myself from an ending I grew up witnessing. I know exactly where this will go. I lived it once.

I can’t live it again.

Chapter Six

I move without thinking, not allowing myself to feel. I suck it up because this is what’s best for both of us. He’s the wrong kind of guy for me and I’m not the girl he really wants. That girl had black hair and green eyes and his heart. I had his lips and his mouth against me. All I had with him was a moment.

“Back to roommates?” I look down at my bare feet.

“Roommates,” he agrees gruffly.

“It’s what’s best.”

“Completely. Can we at least be friends? I like being around you, Rain. You make me feel…better.”

I look up, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Sure, Kent.”

I’d love to be your friend and watch you with other women and walk in on you having sex with them when you won’t even touch me.

“You don’t have to be my wing-woman anymore. I think you’d sabotage me now anyway.” His crooked smile is forced.

“Mhm,” I mutter, pushing around him to the kitchen.

“Don’t be like this. I’m trying.” He follows me.

A tear falls down my face as I reach into the fridge for a yogurt. “Be like what?”

“Quiet. Standoffish. I want you to pretend we never happened.”

“But we did.”

“Raina,” he whispers, agonized.

I whirl around and snap. My inner struggle is set free. “I like you, Kent. I think you’re funny, and unbelievably sexy, and I can’t stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try. I can’t even look at you without wanting to be with you. But I also know you’re unattainable. You treat women like shit and what makes me different? Nothing! I’m no different to you than Auburn Hair or the girl that left you choking on your own puke. We’re all the same because none of us are your ex-fiancée.”

He gasps and steps back, grabbing at his chest. “Who told you that? Did James tell you?”

“You told me when you were drunk, you idiot. You told me how you cheated on her. How you’re just like my pathetic drug addict father who always cheated on my mom and she never left him. He dragged her down right along with him for love. She chose him over her daughters. She left us alone in our house for a month with no food or money before Social Services came to get us. I was thirteen the last time I saw my parents. Because my dad is like you!” I stab at his chest with my finger. “Every man is just like him. You’re all pathetic, ungrateful, horrible creatures! That’s why I’m still a virgin. I refuse to let any of you touch me. In fact, I’m never touching another man like you again for the rest of my life.”

His mouth hangs open and shock widens his eyes. “Raina…I didn’t know. I’m sorry. That’s some heavy shit.”

“Don’t touch me!” I screech when he reaches for me. I wildly avoid him, dropping what’s in my hands and fighting him off. “Don’t touch me!”

“Stop fighting me,” he orders sharply, wrapping my flailing body in his arms. “I wasn’t always like this. I would never want to hurt you. That’s why we have to stop this. Stop us. I’ll hurt you. You don’t deserve that. Do you want me to hurt you?”

He doesn’t deserve an answer.

I refuse to move in his arms for fear I will hug him back. I can’t hug him, despite how good his arms feel wrapped around me. Sometimes when I lose it I remember how even though I have Becca I still secretly yearn for someone to hold me together; for someone to hold on while I fall. But this man isn’t mine to hug. He’s Willow’s, and every other girl’s.

“I’m not your father,” he insists when I continue to fight him. “I’m not me right now either. You really want this guy?” He releases my body and grabs my face between his hands, holding me in place so he can crush me. “This womanizing prick who only wants to make women burn?”

“Let me go. We’re friends. Fine. Whatever.” I feel so drained. So completely empty.

“But you don’t want to be my friend.”

“I want the opposite of friendship from you,” I reveal bitterly. “I want kisses that aren’t in a bathroom or when I’m drunk. I want hugs when you’re sober and when I’m not upset. I want a man who makes me feel happy for once. Not miserable. All you do is make me miserable.” Tears stream down my face. “And yet I still want those kisses. I need them. I want those hugs. They feel like they’re the only things holding me together.” My chest rises and falls rapidly at my admission. I don’t understand half of it, but then again I don’t need to for it to be real. “But I also know you’re not going to give that to me. You’re not worth the misery. So just let me go. Please, Kent, let me go.”

He knows what I’m asking. He holds on to me for a little longer. I wonder why if he’s still in love with Willow. But in the end Kent drops his arms and takes a step back, doing exactly what I knew he would.

“I was right. You do deserve better than the couch. You deserve someone who can make you feel as good as you deserve, who kisses you and doesn’t think about their ex. Who can appreciate the goodness that’s inside of you. You deserve someone just like you, Rain.”

I lean against the counter and bury my face in my hands. “I was doing so good ignoring my feelings for you. I almost convinced myself there weren’t any. I can do it again.”

“Can you?”

I nod determinedly. “We barely know each other. You’re just a guy. I can do it again.”

“Just a guy…” He shakes his head bitterly. “If that’s what you want me to be then that’s what I am. I’m just a guy.”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“No.” He smiles sadly but his eyes are tight. “Go on, baby. I’m just a guy and you’re the first girl I’ve wanted since Willow. You’ll never be just a girl to me.” He leaves me.

I stare after him, torn. If I follow, this will drag out. We’ll end up in the swimming pool again and someday he’ll leave me right where I am. Alone, confused, and empty. If I remain still, by myself like I’ve always been, I can prevent that heartache. Heartache seems to be all Kent can give me. Then why the hell do I still want him? Is what I want right? Have my fears been wrong this entire time?

No. Absolutely not. What I want has gotten me this far. There’s no way I’m going against it by questioning it now. I suck it up, pull up my big girl panties, and promise myself Kent will never rip another pair off.

The idea saddens me in a way that hurts not only my heart, but the confident sexy woman Kent brought out in me.

I need something to do or I will sit here driving myself crazy.

I raid the fridge and prepare the fixings for Becca’s favorite comfort meal. There’s frozen chicken in the freezer and I start unthawing it in some water. As it unthaws I cut potatoes so I can get them boiling. The tedious actions of preparing fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a homemade scratch gravy keep me busy. By the time I’m done both Kent and James have emerged from their rooms, sniffing like starving wolves.

James raises his eyebrows at Kent and signs something.

Kent signs back.

Together they have a silent heated conversation. I can’t pick up anything because for once they refuse to even mouth their words; which means they’re probably talking about me. I ignore them both and start dipping plates. When the table is set, Kent and I sit across from each other.

James sits next to me, sneaking glances like he knows exactly what is, or isn’t, going on between us. “This is good,” he announces, signing
thank you.

I grip his fingers. “Thank you, James.”

Kent shifts in his seat. “Thanks for cooking, Rain.”

“You’re welcome, Kent.” This is all we’ll ever have. Genial comments that are hollow and meaningless. It makes my eyes sting. I bite my tears back and force myself to remember that if Kent and I succumbed to this attraction and he gave me what I thought I wanted, I’d be him someday when he left me. I’d drink myself away with strangers and pass out in the bathroom naked. There won’t be someone to take care of me the way I took care of him.

“Just friends,” he mutters, and then, “bullshit,” under his breath. “Aren’t you sweet suddenly? Why don’t you hold his hand longer?”

“I’m always sweet.”

“Sure, Rain. We’ll see how sweet you are when I have my fingers in some other bitch’s pussy.”

Fire moves over me. “Did you just call me a bitch?”

He takes a bite of his chicken and winks evilly, not taking it back. “Good chicken. You’re going to make some man a lucky wife one day. He’ll get that sweet smile you give sometimes when you think I’m not looking. Or that cute exasperated frown you have right now. He’ll get it all because he’s not just a guy to you.”

“Be careful.”

“Or what? I’m who you wanted me to be. Some pathetic asshole that fell for your bullshit.”

“You fell for my bullshit?” I am flabbergasted. “You’re delusional.”

James’s eyes dart from Kent and to me. He can tell something’s up, but when I talk he’s looking at Kent and he can’t pick up on the words being said. I’m glad. I don’t want him to hear this.

“A virgin,” he grumbles, disgusted. “If you were a slut I’d have your ass pinned against the wall right now. That smart-ass mouth would be begging me for more.”

“You sure you have more to give?” I take a bite and chew, raising my eyebrow condescendingly. “And don’t say slut. Sluts don’t exist, unless their name is Kent Nicholson.”

“Sluts exist. Your friend Samantha’s a slut. You want to know what she told me? How she begged me to fuck her from behind?”

“Did you?”

“I did.” He licks gravy from his spoon. “She came like they all do. Like you did. You wanted more, didn’t you, Rain?”

“Yes, I wanted more. I wanted everything you had to give me. I wanted you inside of me.” I place my palms flat against the table.

“Oh shit,” he mumbles, caught off guard. He licks his lips and runs a hand through his hair, giving James a huge naughty smile. “Great dinner, huh?”

“Hmm,” James mutters, eyes narrowed at Kent. “If Raina moves out, so do I.”

Kent’s smile falls. “Rain’s not going anywhere. Are you?” His expression is slightly worried, yet he’s still very much an a-hole. “She won’t leave.”

“We can get an apartment together,” James suggests, looking at me.

I smile at him. “That would be great.”

“No!” Kent slams his fist on the table as if shouting isn’t enough. “Rain’s staying and so are you, you prick. Tell him, Rain. You’re not moving out. You’re not leaving me too.”

I open my mouth to deny him but his eyes are hectic. “I’m not moving out,” I assure them.

“We’re throwing her a party tonight. Call all your friends.” He grins. “Oh wait, I already live here.”

James gives him an evil look.

“I don’t want a party. I don’t need to drink again.”

“I like you better drunk. You’re fun.” He winks at me. “That tightness gave you away. I’ve never been with a girl that tight before. I bet it’d be mind-blowing to be inside of you.”

What a disgusting pig. “Can I invite whoever I want?”

His mouth thins. “Sure. Whoever you want. It’s your party.”

My brain screams at me.
Another night of drinking? What’s wrong with you?
Telling my brain to shove it, I employ James’s help with the dishes. Kent disappears to prepare for the party. A party I know is going to blow up in both our faces.

“Will you hang out tonight?” I ask James, tapping on his shoulder so he can see my mouth. “I think you owe me a dance for dinner.”

“I don’t know how to dance.”

“I’ll teach you.”

“Are you staying?” he asks, appearing sad.

I cross my heart. “I promise—if you dance with me.”

He grumbles.

I take it as a yes. When the dishes are done I head toward my room, noticing that Kent’s door is open and his deep voice carries into the hall.

“I can’t come home, Mom. I have school. Don’t worry about it. School’s fine. Yeah, no more drinking. Mhm, no more partying. No, I’m not dating anyone.” His voice changes. It becomes dark and hoarse. “I used to be, you remember her? How is Willow? Oh, that’s great to hear. Tell her I dream about wringing her neck when I sleep. Those are daydreams. You should hear about my nightmares. Why do you have to bring her up? You always bring her up. Do you have any idea what he took from me? Everything!” he erupts. “I can’t even fall for other girls because of her. I want to fall and then I remember the second I do they’re going to do the same thing to me. You’re so happy for him. I’m not coming home as long as those two are there. Yup. Love you too.”

I quickly duck into my bedroom before he finds me eavesdropping. What does his mother want him home for, and why would she want to put him anywhere near Willow? If a woman broke my son’s heart she’d better run, not come to dinner. Something bothers me about it, but we’re not in a talking kind of mood.

I sit on my bed and grab my phone, scrolling through my text messages for Trevor’s number. After hearing Kent talk about Willow I feel slightly evil for doing this, but not so evil I change my mind. How dare he talk to me that way after I spent the entire night taking care of him? He’s the one who said he wasn’t the right guy for me, and then he gets mad when I agree? What kind of logic was that?
Probably the male kind.