My Sparkling Misfortune (The Lakeland Knight)

My Sparkling Misfortune

Book 1 of
The Lakeland Knight
series

Copyright 2011 Laura Lond, Second Edition

Cover art and illustrations by Alla Alekseyeva

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means--electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise--without the prior written permission of the author.

"An incredibly fun and funny story." --
Tea and Tomes

"Interesting characters and unique twists in the traditional hero/villain stereotypes made for an entertaining reading experience." --
Dark Wyrm Reads

"One of the reasons the book is so enjoyable is because you never quite know where the plot is going. You are continually surprised." --
The Literary Lioness

"What a nasty, dreadful, and cruel villain Arkus is. Oh, and don't forget funny. Yes, I said funny! With author Laura Lond's crisp, wry sense of humor, you'll be laughing right along with the scoundrel on almost every page." --
The Feathered Quill

"The author manages to pack in an epic's worth of action, adventure, and humor. ... It is one of those rare, great stories when you find yourself rooting wholeheartedly for the villain of the piece." --
A Myriad of Books

I was understandably surprised when Shork, my lackey, announced that I had a visitor...

Oh, wait. You know nothing about me yet, so you would not see why I was "understandably" surprised, right? Hmm... Perhaps Korvaleus was right, writing a book is not so easy as it seems, and I shouldn't have, uh... Oh well. He'd deserved it, anyway.

All right then. I'm not going to rewrite anything, I like my opening line. I'll just introduce myself here, it should explain things: Lord Arkus of
Blackriver
Castle
, also known as Arkus the Fearsome and the Dreaded Lord, at your service. I spend my days scheming, plotting, attacking, invading, killing, plundering, kidnapping, collecting ransom, and having other types of fun. I've done a few backstabbings as well, but only returning the favor; I do have some manners.

Yes, you have guessed it: I am a villain. What? You wanted a noble hero? Well, tough. You've got the wrong book then. But let me tell you something before you put it down: there are no heroes without us villains. They'd have nothing to show off against. Besides, goody boys do some wicked tricks as well, as you will see if you keep reading my story, and it takes some heroism to be a villain at times, too. I suppose you already know it though, if you're smart, which you have to be, because I'm not writing this for silly people.

So, with that out of the way, let me get back to the story. I had just finished my rather bland tasting dinner (it turned out to be a real headache to find a decent cook after old Mr. Flamm thought he could serve me chicken five nights in a row), and, as I said, I was understandably surprised when Shork announced that I had a visitor.

Nobody visits
Blackriver
Castle
out of their own free will. And if somebody wanted to, for whatever strange reason, it is unlikely that they would safely arrive at my doorstep: Arkusville, my domain, is filled with goblins, robbers and other assorted outlaws. It's a dreary and dangerous place. I take good care to keep it that way. Heroes occasionally still come to fight me, of course, but they don't count as visitors, and they do not take the trouble to be properly announced.

Yet Shork was insisting that someone had come and asked to see me. And not just someone--Prince Kellemar of Dalvanna himself. Yes, the oldest son of noble King Ramian, my respectable enemy. A proud young man with a cute face, brave in battle, and of course with aspirations of becoming a hero. Preferably at my expense. He came alone, imagine that, without his bodyguards.

Naturally suspecting some kind of a set up, I told Shork to invite him in and to immediately alert my army and watchmen.

The prince entered with a defying look on his face, obviously rehearsed for villains like me. If it was supposed to make me tremble inside, let's just say it did not work.

"You are a brave man, Your Highness," I greeted him. "What brings you here, and what makes you think that you will make it out of here alive?"

"Arkus, you are despicably wicked," he began.

Blatant flattery,
I noted.
He wants something from me.

"But even you," he continued, "would not dare to harm me now and face the wrath of my father when he returns."

"I have faced your father before, many times, and stood against him quite well," I replied. "So what stops me from taking you captive and getting a nice chunk of ransom money, as I believe I have already done in the past?"

By the way, it's true. I had captured him once, and the king paid.

Kellemar did not appreciate the reminder, of course; I could see it by how his jaws clenched. Well, I suppose I make some kind of a funny face, too, when I'm mad.

Meanwhile, Shork returned and communicated to me that everything was fine--no attackers, no spies sneaking in. Kellemar, indeed, came alone. I was getting intrigued.

"Listen, Arkus," the prince spoke, "I have certainly thought of what evil intentions my coming here like this, unprotected, will inspire in your evil mind." (He was trying to be eloquent, but I wouldn't use the same word twice in a short phrase like this, even if it was such a nice word as "evil". Wouldn't you agree?) "But hear me out before you start plotting. I have a proposition."

That piqued my interest even more.

"Proposition? From
you
to
me
??" I couldn't help getting a little sarcastic here. "As in 'deal' or 'agreement'? The honorable Prince Kellemar is offering me a deal, did I get that right?"

"You can mock all you want. Yes, I wish to make you an offer. Will you hear me out?"

"Of course. I will die of curiosity if I kill you now without knowing what you had in mind. Go ahead, I am listening... Oh, wait: Does your father know about this?"

The question irked him, as it was intended to.

"He does not," Kellemar said through his teeth. "But it does not matter. When the king is away, I rule in his stead, as you very well know. Whatever I say to you carries the same weight. Satisfied?"

"Quite. Now, go ahead."

"Several of our regions have been attacked by the Dolmanians. Are you aware of that?"

"I have heard something, yes. My condolences. They are a pesky little tribe.

"Well, we've been fighting them off, but I want to rid my land of them completely, once and for all. And I want your help to do it."

I almost fell off my chair. Wouldn't you?

"You want my
what
?! Kellemar, that's insulting. What kind of a ridiculous joke is this?? Did you happen to take a drink from
Black River
on the way here? Because if you did, well, that would explain a lot, and-- "

"Stop fooling around! I know you will not help if there is nothing in it for you, and I know your love of gold. I can tell you where the Dolmanians store their plunder. Would that interest you?"

"Oh, I see. Well, it might, but answer me a couple of questions first. Number one: Why don't you take the plunder yourself and give it back to your people? And number two: Why don't you call on your numerous allies who are supposed to help you out without getting paid?"

The prince smirked.

"Valid questions. I will start with the second one, if you don't mind. I do not wish to bother our allies with this because I want to save their help for a more serious occasion. Like you deciding to attack us again, for example."

"Shameless flatterer. And my first question?"

"Easy: I do not want to waste my men's lives to capture stolen gold, only a part of which used to belong to my people. There will be no way to determine whose gold is where as people will unfortunately lie about it. And I do not wish to spoil them by dividing it all equally and sharing it."

"Then why don't you just take it for your treasury?" I asked with an innocent expression. I already knew why: he didn't have enough men. His father must have taken half the army with him (which would be nice to check, by the way).

Kellemar squared his shoulders. "As hard as it must be for you to understand, I do not want their plunder. I'd rather use it to stop the raids. So you can fight the Dolmanians and take it. What do you say?"

"Well, let me think here... You want to build yourself some reputation by defeating the Dolmanians in your father's absence, with only a half of the army..."

"Two thirds," he quickly interjected. I had to stifle a laugh.

"Two thirds? All right, two thirds then, sorry for the assumption. Anyway, it is obviously not enough to completely destroy them, so if you manage to pull it off, you'll be regarded a hero. And in order to do it, you offer me to take out the part of their forces that is guarding the plunder. Of course, no one will know about it. If word gets out that Lord Arkus attacked the Dolmanians, no one would think that we had an agreement about it and I was actually helping you. Evil Arkus went after the treasure, they'll think. Am I following you?"

"Close enough. So what do you say?"

I made an innocent face again. "That's not quite heroic though, is it?"

My pun reached its target, I could see it. Kellemar clenched his teeth, but chose not to pursue the subject.

"Let that not concern you. Do you agree to my offer or not?"

For a moment, I wondered what he would do if I refused.

"It is an interesting offer," I said. "Shall we discuss the details of your plan over a map?"

The prince smiled. "Arkus, I am no fool. I do intend to get out of here alive. If you agree, you will receive the location of the plunder in a separate message, on the day of the battle."

I smiled in return.
Good thinking, Kellemar.

"A day before. I'll need to verify your information and prepare."

"Very well, a day before. Deal?"

If you think he extended his hand here, you are wrong. He wanted to strike a deal with a villain, but without dirtying himself by shaking hands on it. You tell me how noble it is.

"Deal."

I wanted to see his reaction, so I offered my hand. He didn't touch it.

"There is no need for that. You have my word as a prince."

∗ ∗ ∗

So I let the prince go and waited for his message, entertaining myself with thoughts of how I could have fun with the messenger. Kellemar, however, robbed me of that pleasure by sending the message attached to an arrow shot from a safe distance. His note stated that the plunder was hidden in the
Skeleton
Cave
. I knew the place well. According to the note, the raiders had only about a hundred men guarding the treasures--a mere trifle for me and my army, especially keeping in mind that I have had some encounters with the Dolmanians in the past, and, well, let's just say they find me a little intimidating. It looked like I was going to have an easy victory.

In case you are wondering whether I thought of attacking Kellemar after taking the plunder, of course I did. What respectable villain would disregard such an opportunity? However, I decided against it. A deal is a deal, after all, and as I have said before, I have manners. Besides, what's the use of invading his land when it has just been raided and I'd already have all the gold?? I could wait for a better time. According to my sources, King Ramian wouldn't be back for a while.

I studied the map and planned my route, making sure to check whether there were any white towers on the way (I will explain that later). On the day of the battle, I donned my best armor and my favorite purple cape. I am a handsome and stylish villain, by the way. No, seriously.

My men were ready for the mission and happy about it. They always salivate when they smell gold. We reached the cave unnoticed and surprised the Dolmanians. The battle was short. I took out their leader, who screamed like a maiden; the rest of them panicked and fled, making it even easier for my guys to finish the job.