My Song for You: A Pushing Limits Novel (3 page)

“He’s brilliant.” Even back when he was first learning to play the guitar and hit more wrong notes than right ones, I’d loved listening to Jared. His excitement for the instrument, which his parents had given him for his fourteenth birthday, had been contagious. I was his first groupie and the president of his fan club. A very exclusive fan club, with me as the only member.

Later, after he started dating my sister, I’d remained his biggest fan. Luckily for me, he hadn’t minded me sitting in his room while he strummed on his baby. It was always just him and me, the only time I got Jared to myself.

A memory revisited of when I’d been seventeen and he’d straddled me from behind to reposition my fingers on the strings in the correct chords. His body had been pressed against mine, his subtle scent doing all kinds of crazy things to me. I had been close to tossing the guitar onto the bed and kissing him. That was the first time I’d realized my attraction toward him, an attraction I’d never told anyone about.

My body heated at the memory. Needing a distraction, I grabbed pizza from the box and placed the slice on Logan’s Winnie-the-Pooh plate. And because my body hadn’t gotten the hint yet, I gave everyone else a slice of cheese pizza too—anything to hide how unbalanced I felt with Jared’s unexpected return into my life.

It’s only temporary
, I reminded myself.
He’ll go on tour soon and forget all about us.

Logan was watching Jared in the way kids do when they worship someone, as if he somehow sensed the stranger sitting across from him was his father. But that was ridiculous. There was no way he could know. Right?

Jared made a funny comment and laughed. His dimples came to life, and his mirror image’s dimples came to life too. Sharon looked between the two males, and for a second I could’ve sworn something passed in her eyes that wasn’t good news for me.

I brushed it off. I was being paranoid. There were millions of guys with dimples. And I was sure a large percentage were dark-haired. Okay, the odds that I just happened to be friends with several dark-haired guys with dimples were low, but Sharon didn’t know that.

The quick glance she gave me was far from reassuring, but that was all right. She wasn’t the one I had to worry about. Fortunately, Jared would never piece things together. As far as he was concerned, I was Logan’s biological mother and he knew he’d never had sex with me.

My secret was safe.

I shoved the slice of pizza in my mouth and watched Logan laugh so hard at what Jared had said that he almost fell off his chair. For the first time since the accident that stole my sister and parents from me, a fissure formed in my bruised heart. Ever since their deaths more than three years ago, I’d been strong, doing my best not to fall apart under the newfound responsibilities piled on me, and doing my best for Logan. When my boyfriend—the guy I had loved and believed was the one—dumped me because the last thing he wanted was a kid, especially someone else’s, I didn’t allow myself to fall apart. When Logan developed meningitis and lost his hearing, I didn’t allow myself to fall apart. And when I had to make the decision by myself as to whether or not Logan should have the cochlear surgery, I didn’t allow myself to fall apart.

No matter how difficult it had been to remain strong through all of this, I had done so for Logan.

But now, with the adoring way he looked at Jared, you could’ve sliced me across the stomach with a dull knife and tossed me to a great white shark, and it would’ve hurt a lot less.

I would do anything for Logan, but I couldn’t give him the one thing he needed. I couldn’t tell him and Jared the truth and risk destroying Logan.

I blinked back the tears threatening to form. Logan would never have a father. If I had learned one single fact during the past three years, it was that other guys weren’t much different from my ex. They weren’t interested in dating a woman with a child. Add the challenge of the child being deaf—cochlear implant or not—and any interest they might have had in me plummeted to zero.

I pushed the painful memories away, did my best to temporarily patch up the crack in my heart, and joined the party. I laughed at Jared’s jokes and listened to Sharon tell Jared about some of Logan’s escapades. I avoided redirecting the conversation when she did that, even though I didn’t want her to involve Jared in his son’s life more than necessary. To do so would’ve added to her suspicions.

“Open my present first,” Logan said, his excitement barely contained as he handed Sharon the gift he had wrapped himself. A ton of clear tape held the happy-face, potato-print wrapping paper together. The package would’ve looked a lot better if we had at least put the gift in a box, but I couldn’t find one in the apartment and Logan had been too impatient to wait.

Sharon turned the package around in her hands, her expression thoughtful. “I can’t imagine what it is. Is it a soccer ball?”

Logan giggled. “No. Soccer ball round.”

“That’s right, Logan,” she said. “A soccer ball
is
round.” The gift was flat. “Is it a lion?”

Logan giggled again. “Lion is big.” He also signed it.

“What sound does a lion make?” Sharon asked, ever the teacher.

“Rawr.”

“Do you want a pet lion?” Jared asked, signing the word “lion.”

Logan shook his head. “No lions. Lions eat dogs.” He pointed at the gift in Sharon’s hand and practically climbed onto the table in anticipation. “Open it.”

She began unwrapping the gift, taking care not to rip the homemade paper. If she didn’t open it soon, Logan would do it for her.

Finally the paper was removed intact.

“I buy it,” Logan said as Sharon examined the picture frame and the picture of the three of us at the playground. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve believed we were a family, with Sharon as Logan’s grandmother.

Her eyes glossed up. “Thank you. I love it.” She wrapped her arms around Logan and hugged him hard.

I also gave her a light blue cardigan and a Starbucks gift card. She thanked me for them, but her gaze kept jumping to the picture frame.

“Who wants birthday cake?” I asked.

“Me,” Logan cried out, bouncing on his chair.

We laughed, and I headed to the kitchen to retrieve the cake. It wasn’t large enough for sixty-five candles, so I’d stuck into the white frosting six red candles on one half and five white ones on the other side. I lit them, and Jared and I sang “Happy Birthday.”

Logan threw in a random word here and there, but they were spoken, not sung. Once we were finished, he cheered and clapped while Sharon blew out the candles.

“Did you make wish?” Logan asked.

She grinned. “I did.”

I served the cake. Before I had a chance to hand Jared his plate, Logan had devoured half of his own slice.

“I take it you like cake?” Jared said, chuckling, and my heart tightened at the memory of eating birthday cake with him when we were kids. I learned the hard way that you did
not
want to get in the way of Jared and his cake. But in the end I couldn’t complain, even if one time he’d smeared it on my face and clothes in revenge.

“He’s not the only one.” Mischief flared inside me. Before I had a chance to think twice about what I was doing, I plunged my fork into his chocolate cake and removed a huge chunk of it. A healthy dose of pink and white frosting joined it.

I lifted the fork to my mouth and closed my lips around it. With a satisfied “mmmm,” I slide the fork slowly out, eyes closed. The cake was good, but from the noise I was making, you would’ve thought I had just tasted an award-winning confection.

I glanced at Jared, prepared to smirk at him. His sexy brown eyes met mine, but now they were dark…with lust.

Callie slowly dragged the fork from between her lips and made a sound that instantly brought back memories of the videos Mason enjoyed watching on tour.

And immediately my cock responded. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d fucked. All I could remember was that it had been with Tiffany months ago, when she and I were in New York City at the same time.

Shit. If Mason knew that, he would revoke my man card and call me a pussy for not getting any pussy.

“So, Logan,” I said to distract myself from the thoughts about Callie that I had no right thinking—even if she was no longer thirteen years old and I was no longer considered too old for her. “Do you have any big plans tomorrow?”

Logan’s face brightened. “I want to go to Disneyland. Ben’s daddy is taking him to Disneyland.”

The thud of a knocked-over glass startled us both. Her face pale, Callie frantically mopped up the spilled milk with paper napkins. Sharon scrambled from her seat and returned a moment later with a dishcloth. She began cleaning up the mess.

“Sorry,” Callie said. “I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing.”

“It’s all right,” Sharon replied. “It’s only a little milk.” And it was. But from Callie’s reaction, you’d have thought she’d spilled an entire cow’s worth.

“Who’s Ben?” I asked Logan, curious if the mention of him and his father was what had upset Callie.

“My friend,” he said.

“They’re in the same preschool program.” Callie picked up the sodden napkins and disappeared into the kitchen.

“His father sounds great,” I said. “My dad used to take me and my sister to Disneyland too.”

Logan went on to list all the other cool activities Ben’s father did with his son: fishing, teaching him to play baseball, taking him on trips. As he spoke, his voice was heavy with wistfulness. He wasn’t exactly jealous of his friend, but he was in awe of everything Ben got to do with his dad.

A dad that Logan didn’t have.

Or maybe it was more than that. “I bet you’ve done some cool stuff with your mom,” I ventured, attempting to lead the conversation away from his lack of a father.

He nodded. “She plays soccer with me and takes me to the park. And she and Mrs. Rogers took me to zoo once.” He grinned. “I like the animals and ice cream.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun.”

“They were fun. But Mommy too busy. She works all the time.”

He was just being an honest four-year-old. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, but I knew Callie. If she’d heard him, and I was positive she had, his words would’ve cut deep.

I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to say. Sharon watched Logan, the smile on her face gone. Callie still hadn’t returned.

Sharon’s gaze jumped from me to Logan and back again. A thought was forming in her head, but I had no idea what it was. I had long ago quit trying to figure out women, and that included my mom and sister.

Callie walked out of the kitchen, a big smile plastered on her face. “How about I take you to Disneyland next weekend?” She hugged her son and kissed the top of his head. “I have Sunday off.”

For the first time since bumping into her this afternoon, I noticed the exhaustion on her face. I mentally cursed the asshole who had done this to her. Did he even pay child support? Maybe he hadn’t wanted to be part of his child’s life, but it did take two to make a baby. I might not have been great in biology, but that much I did remember.

Logan cheered his mom’s decision. He jumped off his chair, grabbed the string of his dog balloon, and ran to his room. The balloon dragged through the air after him, like a dog reluctant to go for a walk. Callie’s plastered-on smile eased slightly to something more genuine.

“Thank you for the party,” Sharon said. “I’ll see you Monday.” To me she added, “It was nice meeting you, Jared.”

I waited until the apartment door clicked shut before asking if Callie was okay.

She picked up Logan’s Pooh plate. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Really? Are you forgetting we’ve known each other since we were kids?”

She didn’t even pause in gathering the dirty dishes to answer. “We haven’t seen each other in, what, five years? Maybe I’ve changed.”

“Where’s Logan’s father?” I said in a low voice.

Callie’s hand jerked with Sharon’s plate, narrowly missing an empty glass. “It doesn’t matter where he is.” Without looking at me, she returned to the kitchen.

I followed her. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

Her entire body stiffened. “Just that. He’s not part of Logan’s life and he never will be.” The venom in her voice was deadly. Ouch. I was almost relieved for the asshole that he wasn’t here.

I didn’t say anything at first. I just watched her fill the sink with soapy water and scrub a plate clean. She continued scrubbing it long after every molecule of dirt had been banished.

She was obviously mad, but it was less clear at whom she was pissed: Logan’s father or me.

I stepped behind her and threaded my fingers with hers, stopping her incessant scrubbing. Her hand trembled in mine. I fought back the urge to wrap my arms around her and do something idiotic to temporarily distract her, like run my lips along the soft skin of her neck.

I glanced away…to the fridge, barely visible behind a sea of Logan’s artwork. All the pictures had been drawn with crayons and either contained awkward-looking stick people or colorful animals with disproportionate bodies and limbs. “Does he know about Logan?”

“It doesn’t matter.” The words were whispered. I couldn’t be certain if they were directed at me or at herself.

“Sure it does. Why wouldn’t it?”

Even though she wasn’t facing me, there was no missing her flinch at my question. “Because the last thing he wanted or needed was a child.”

A part of me relaxed at her words and I released her hand. She hadn’t said that the last thing he had wanted or needed was another child. It meant whoever the father was didn’t already have a child. He wasn’t a family man, but it didn’t mean he didn’t have a wife.

“Is he married?”

Callie groaned and turned to face me. “You honestly think I’d be stupid enough to become involved with a married man?”

“No, I don’t think you’re stupid. Maybe you didn’t know he was married at the time.”

She let out a shaky breath and returned to washing the dishes. “No, he isn’t married. And honestly, Logan and I are doing fine. Better than fine.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

She laughed, the sound a mix of bitter and amused. “I have a four-year-old child, waitress forty hours a week in a diner, study graphic design part-time, attend an American Sign Language class for parents who have a deaf child, and do odd graphic design projects for a handful of clients. That doesn’t exactly leave me time to have a boyfriend. Heck, it doesn’t even give me enough time to date, period.”

“I guess not.” The reality of what she was dealing with made me want to punch the sperm donor’s lights out for his part in Callie’s having to give up her dreams. Not once as a kid had she mentioned that she dreamed of being a waitress in a diner when she grew up. “Which diner do you work at?”

“Blue Star. It’s close to here and my boss allows me to work the early shift so that I’m home more for Logan.” This might’ve been true, but she didn’t seem happy about it.

I wanted to ask about her family, since surely they were helping her out. Her parents were those kind of people—just like my parents were. But I didn’t want to risk her bringing up Alexis. I didn’t want to risk her mentioning what my ex-girlfriend was up to. Alexis and I might not have been anything more than a great fuck, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear about her life. Maybe I would eventually…but not tonight.

Callie yawned. “I need to get Logan to bed now, then work on an assignment that’s due soon. So…”

“Yeah, I should go,” I said, even though it wasn’t what I wanted. What I really wanted was to hold her, kiss her, and tell her that everything would be all right, but who was I to say that? What did I know about anything?

She walked me to the apartment door, but before I left, I made a detour into Logan’s room to say goodbye to the little guy.

“Are you going to Disneyland with us?” he asked, smiling with the same dimples that my father and I had, which made me wonder even more about his biological father. No one in Callie’s family had dimples. Logan’s had to come from his dad.

“Sweetie, Jared is super-busy with his band. But you and I will have a lot of fun, just the two of us.”

The dimples on his face vanished and he nodded. I nearly told him I would come, just to see his smile again, but I had no idea if I could join them. I didn’t want to make a promise I couldn’t keep. And something about Callie’s attitude made me question if she even wanted me to join them.

I left Logan’s room. At the apartment door, I paused. I knew I should walk away and leave Callie and her son to live their lives while I lived mine, but for some reason I couldn’t. During the past few hours the restlessness had taken a snooze. I had no idea why. Maybe I missed her friendship more than I realized. All I knew was that I itched to spend more time with her, with the girl who once had tried to tag along with Alexis and me because Alexis had told her that we were going bowling. “Bowling” had been her code word for driving to our favorite spot and screwing in my car.

Except now Callie was no longer a girl. She was a woman who had my blood heating in a way no other woman had before—not even her sister.

“I’ll check with the band and see if I’m free next weekend. If I am, I’d be happy to go to Disneyland with you guys.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I don’t want Logan getting too attached to you. He likes you and I can’t risk him liking you more than he should.”

I should’ve accepted what she said, since he was her son, after all. He had nothing to do with me. “Other than your father, does he have any males in his life? Any positive influences?”

A flash of pain crossed her face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. “He’s fine, Jared. And it’s better this way. Better than constantly dealing with guys letting him down and eventually walking out of his life.” The real reason she didn’t date.

“And you think I’m gonna let him down?”

She averted her gaze. “Goodnight, Jared.”