My Secret Life (77 page)

Time was pressing, I covered up my ballocks and sat up, she dropped her petticoats, Sally turned round and sat beside her, staring first at me, then at her companion. The little slut knew, I’m sure, what we had been up to, but never spoke a word as she took my shilling. I told cabby to drive back, and was glad of air, for the sun was beating down, and the cab like an oven, as I had closed both windows to diminish the area thro which people passing should see.

I took Carry on my lap, felt that gluey little quim, kissed her, and kept up a conversation in whispers, much to the annoyance of the other, who every now and then kept jealously asking what it was all about. — I offered a sovereign, if she bring Sally out that night, and induce her to let me fuck her. — She’d try but feared she couldn’t. “I knows who will do it to her tho.” — Her own mother often stopped her (Carry) going out of a night but if she’d had a drop she’d be sure to let her go. — Sally’s mother wouldn’t let Sally. They lodged in the same house, but she would try. — Soon after I got out, paid the cabman, and told him where to set the girls down.

The evening came, I somehow had made up my mind that I should fuck the virgin Sally — if she were virgin — for I couldn’t get her to let me feel her closely enough to verify that. I was disappointed. At a little past seven o’clock at the appointed place, Carry appeared alone. Sally’s mother wouldn’t let her daughter out. “I think she’d a let yer do it to her if she’d come, she told me she would.” — Carry went with me willingly to a house, and I stripped her. — She had put on clean stockings and chemise, I had told her to do so when in the cab in the morning. — “Shall I fuck you,” said I. “Yes do,” she replied quickly.

I mounted the little lass, and gloried in the sweet little pouting, half fledged sheath I fucked when I felt the little lass was having as much pleasure as a grown woman. She was revelling with me in copulation, sighing her voluptuous sighs in that sweetly quiet way which girls do, till they learn to break out into the lewed exclamations of delight, which many do as they grow older. — Then after she’d wiped her cunt outside, and our passions were subdued for a time, we talked.

At first she was reserved, then open, and for an hour I questioned
her
much, and she
me
a little. What sweet confidences between a girl of sixteen and a man not far from fifty. The difference in age gave our conversation an additional charm. It was semipaternal, yet all about fucking. — Of the hour’s talk, all worth telling may be soon told.

She had never been in a baudy house before, and had only been fucked two months. Her father died some months ago, her mother was a charwoman and drank. Carry had been a short time a nursemaid, and now did work at home, she did all the cleaning in their two rooms, looked after another sister, and worked with her needle. — She and her mother quarrelled. “Now who fucked you first?” — a young man she knew — “quite a young man” — that’s all I could then learn. Sally and her mother lived in the room below, her father was a chair maker, but was a blackguard, sometimes disappeared for a month or two, and her mother got their living principally, and
she
often was drunk. There was a brother nearly sixteen years old and a younger sister, and all three slept in the same bed, and in the same room as their mother and father.

Sally knew all about fucking tho she denied all, and was so demure in the cab. She had seen her brother’s cock and felt it, and he had seen Sally’s cunt. — “His cock is a good big one too.” “Then you’ve seen it.” — Carry didn’t deny that. The brother one night tried to do it to his sister “And she’ll let him one day I knows, tho she says she won’t.” Little by little, I got out that these two youngsters had one day frigged the lad, and he’d seen both their cunts. He was a shop boy at a grocer’s.

Suddenly a light dawned upon me from some remark she made. “It’s her brother who fucked you first.” — She broke out in laughter, and denied it. — But I insisted, and at last she admitted it.

Carry had to fetch pails of water upstairs, and the lad used kindly to do it for her — one morning her mother had gone out to work at six o’clock, when the lad knocked at the door as he was going to his work, and asked if he should fetch her a pail full. She accepted and he fetched it. She instead of getting up when her mother left went to bed again, and was in her chemise. He wanted to bring the water in. — “No put it down outside.” He said he’d throw the water away. So she let him in, he put down the pail, then began kissing her, she’d already seen his prick, and his spunk, he’d seen her cunt, and a few minutes afterwards, that lucky lad’s prick was in her virgin niche, her hymen was but a bleeding split, his sperm was sticking his balls on to her buttocks. — She was in for fucking after that. — When once a female’s tasted the sugar stick, it’s not long before she gets another taste.

Since then whenever Jack got the opportunity he fucked her, and she let him willingly. — “Why shouldn’t I now.” She’d never had another man. — But Jack was a blackguard, for tho he’d promised to tell no one — had “took his Bible oath” he wouldn’t if I’d let him, he had told a shopman where he was working, and the shopman came after her and told her. But she hadn’t and did not mean to let the shopman, she couldn’t bear him — and I was the only one except Jack, who had done it to her.

She didn’t think Jack had told his sister, but he’d said he meant to fuck his sister, and Carry felt sure she’d let him some day when his mother was out. “She knows all about doing it bless yer. — Why she’s seen her father and mother adoing it often, and has seen her father’s prick.”

That was the history got in an hour’s talking, whilst feeling and finger stinking, and by that time my pego being in admirable condition and delighted at its size and look — “Oh yes, it’s much bigger than Jack’s,” — took up her notch again, and again I wetted its little soft interior with my sperm, and she spent charmingly in my arms, kissing me.

I was in love with the little lass, and fucked her once more, but she was in a hurry to get home, her mother would knock her about if she found her out of nights, and unless drunk her mother usually kept at home. She hoped her “mother would be out on the screw.” — Couldn’t I be where I first met them in the day, then perhaps Sally would go to a house, and let me have her. I couldn’t well do that soon, but arranged to be that day week at the same spot and hour if Carry would. She agreed but never came, and I never saw her more.

H*l*n M***w**d. — Our first meeting. — Her physical perfections.
—
Money differences. — My promise kept. — A year’s interval. — Friendship established. — Mutual meretriciousness. — Unrestrained sexual amusements. — Erotic tastes gratified. — Arcades ambo. — Initials. — My age, physical force and adventures. — A carnal paradise.
—

One night soon after this, I met at the A*g**e rooms H*l*n M
^***
w
^**
d and was struck with her instantly. My experienced eye and well trained judgment in women, as well as my instincts, told me what was beneath her petticoats and I was not deceived. I have had many splendid women in my time, but never a more splendid perfect beauty, in all respects.

Of full but not great height, with the loveliest shade of chestnut hair of great growth, she had eyes in which grey, green and hazel were indescribably blended with an expression of supreme voluptuousness in them, yet without baudiness or salacity, and capable of any play of expression. A delicate slightly retroussé nose, the face a pure oval, a skin and complexion of a most perfect tint and transparency, such was H*l*n M. Nothing was more exquisite than her whole head, tho her teeth were wanting in brilliancy, — but they were fairly good and not discoloured.

She had lovely cambered feet, perfect to their toes; thighs meeting from her cunt to her knees and exquisite in their columnar beauty; big, dimpled haunches, a small waist, full firm breasts, small hands, arms of perfect shape in their full roundness. Every where her flesh was of a very delicate creamy tint, and was smooth to perfection. Alabaster or ivory, were not more delicious to the touch, than her flesh was every where from her cheeks to her toes.

Short, thick, crisp yet silky brown hair covered the lower part of her motte, at that time only creeping down by the side of the cunt lips, but leaving the lips free, near to at her bumhole, a lovely little clitoris, a mere button, topped her belly rift, the nymphæ were thin, small, and delicate. The mouth of the vulva was small, the avenue tight yet exquisitely elastic, and as she laid on her back and opened her thighs, it was an exquisite, youthful, pink cunt, a voluptuous sight which would have stiffened the prick of a dying man.

Her deportment was good, her carriage upright but easy, the undulations of her body in movement voluptuous, and fascinating; every thing, every movement was graceful; even when she sat down to piss it was so — and taking her altogether, she was one of the most exquisite creatures God ever created to give enjoyment to man. — With all this grace, and rich, full, yet delicate of frame, she was a strong, powerful woman, and had the sweetest voice — it was music.

I saw much of this in her at a glance, and more completely as she undressed. Then the sweetest smell as if of new milk, or of almonds escaped from her, and the instant she laid down I rushed lasciviously on her cunt, licked and sucked it with a delight that was maddening. I could have eaten it. Never had I experienced such exquisite delight in gamahuching a woman. Scarcely ever have I gamahuched a gay woman on first acquaintance, and generally never gamahuched them at all.

As I went home with her in a cab I had attempted a few liberties, but she repulsed them. — “Wait till we get home, I won’t have them in a cab.” — Directly we arrived I asked what her compliment was to be. — No she had never less than a fiver. — “Why did you not tell me so, I would not have brought you away. — What I give is two sovereigns, here is the money, I am sorry I have wasted your time” — and was going. — “Stop,” said she — “don’t go yet!” — I looked in my purse and gave her what I could — it was a little more than the sum I’d named — and promised to bring her the remainder of a fiver another day. Then I fucked her. — “Don’t be in such a hurry,” I said, for she moved her cunt as women either do when very randy, or wishing to get rid of a man. That annoyed me, but oh my God my delight as I shed my sperm into that beautiful cunt, and kissed and smelt that divine body, and looked into those voluptuous eyes. I had at once a love as well as lust for her, as my prick throbbed out its essence against her womb. — But
she
had no pleasure with me. — She was annoyed and in a hurry, she had another man waiting in another room in the house to have her — as she has told me since.

What was in this woman — what the specific attraction, I cannot say, but she made me desire to open my heart to her, and I told rapidly of my amatory tricks, my most erotic letches, my most blamable (if any be so) lusts; things I had kept to myself, things never yet disclosed to other women, I told
her
rapidly. I felt as if I must, as if it were my destiny to tell her all, all I had done with women and men, all I wished to do with
her,
it was a vomit of lascivious disclosures. I emptied myself body and soul into her. She listened and seemed annoyed. She did not like me.

Nor did she believe me. Two days afterwards, I took her the promised money, she had not expected it, and then deigned to ask if she should see me again. No. She was far too expensive for me — not that she was not worth it all. — Yea more — but blood could not be got out of a stone. — I had not the money and could see her no more. — “All right,” she replied very composedly and we parted. As I tore myself away, my heart ached for the beautiful form, again to see, smell, to kiss, and suck, and fuck that delicious cunt, to give
her
pleasure if I could. Tho I saw her afterwards at the A
^*
g
^**
e rooms — even went to look at her there, I resisted. — What helped me was the belief that I was distasteful to her, why I could not tell, and a year elapsed before I clasped her charms again.

On leaving her that day, I could think of nothing but her, went to a woman I knew, and shut my eyes whilst I fucked her, fancying she was H*l*n M. — “You call me H*l*n,” said she. “You know a woman of that name I suppose,” — I told her it was the name of my sister. Not the only time the same thing has happened to me, and in exactly the same manner with other ladies when fucking
them,
but thinking of
another.

When I had her again she was in even more complete beauty, had more hair on her motte, and a thick tuft just above the opening of the notch. — Her limbs were larger and finer. I was frank, told her what money I could afford, that I never lied nor broke my word to women. She I think began to believe me, but it’s difficult to gauge the depths of a gay woman, and difficult for
any
woman who has been gay long, to believe
any
man. — But things were changing, I began to see her for my pleasures, and her only — if I had an occasional letch, a chance fuck with another, I nearly always told her, but that was after I had known her a year or so. — If she then asked what I did not wish to tell, I said I should tell a lie or be silent. — So our meetings were pleasant, and I revelled in her beauty, and tho no longer young, have many a time fucked her thrice within an hour. — Then she began to spend with and enjoy me, which added to my delight; for in later years, giving pleasure to the woman is almost as great a pleasure to me, as my physical delight in her.

But she would not for long afterwards lend herself to my erotic fancies. She had them in her head, in her mind, in her imagination, and wished for many — I believe most. — She was lewed and voluptuous from her earliest childhood, but hid her desires from
me,
only granting a few of my wishes from time to time as the greatest favour. Yet she longed for them at the very time she refused, and in the night and morning by herself in bed, practised them all mentally, her imagination filled with baudy images, whilst with her pretty fingers she frigged her delicate clitoris, for she was sensuousness itself, and a masturbatrix from her childhood. It was only after I had known her three or four years, and she’d disclosed involuntarily almost in our voluptuous conversations the secret desires of her nature, that she practised with me the frolics she never had done with any other man. — Then we studied lasciviousness in all its varieties, for I had conquered all ridiculous ideas she had had as to the sinful usage of her body — of the wrongfulness, of the shame in certain sexual acts. — She agreed with me that cunt, prick, and arsehole, mouth, armpits, feet and fingers, and all parts of the body, men and women might use to give themselves sexual pleasure, and endear themselves to each other — that nothing they did to each other was wrong, that their doings concerned themselves alone, that all sexual instincts were both proper and natural to gratify.