My Secret Life (49 page)

A day or two after, going down an alley about five feet wide, I saw a big woman sitting with a low dress at window, showing nearly all her breasts. It was day-time, but giving her about three shillings in English money, I had a very satisfactory poke, in a fully-haired cunt, between a big pair of white thighs, and a stunning backside, and was so well contented, that I had the lady again the next day. Certainly I have had on chance occasions, and for very small money payment, as fine women as a man need desire. — Only they were generally so coarse and vulgar in manner.

This woman spoke German, but in a dialect which I could scarcely understand. But all the baudy words explanatory of fucking, she spoke in good German, and in English, and in French as well. I expect many seafaring men had her. As I examined her perfections whilst she was naked (and willingly) with me, I looked at her bum-hole, and touched it out of fun. Thereupon she told me, and made me understand somehow, that if I wanted to “bougarrr” her, I must pay “one Victoria,” she never let it be done for less. — “It can’t be done,” said I. “Yah — yah — hier,” said she, jumping up and taking out from a closet a pomatum pot. Then in her dialect, she explained I suppose, but I did not understand, nor did I expend “one Victoria.”

At the H
^*
g
^*
e, I got a really splendid woman, and then I fucked my way to Belgium. At B
^***
s
^**
s, the first person I saw at the hotel was Mrs. W
^***
t
^*
r. — We were both astonished, and I think she was vexed at meeting me, but that soon wore off, if it had been so. A hot-arsed widow I expect gets hotter arsed, when she meets a man who has tailed her pleasurably, and certainly we had enjoyed each other well. I also when I meet a woman some time after I have fucked her, nearly always desire her again. I seem to want to see if she is changed in form, cunt, and amourous performance. I long to talk with her, and recall former pleasures. I felt that towards the heavy-arsed, mature-cunted but devilish fine fuckstress, Mrs. W
^*
, and felt also on the instant that I was sure of having her.

She was there with the same party — which now included the young man, whom her niece had declared she would have, whether her father permitted it or not. He seemed a nice young fellow. I used to sit and look at the niece, and it pleased me much to think I had seen her naked, and knew the color of her cunt wig: whilst her intended might have to wait long before he saw as much. I told Mrs. W
^***
t
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r my thoughts, when I got a tète-a-tète with her. She laughed at the affair and said, “Yes — unless he gets a look at it on the sly.” — Then she turned modest, and said it was really too bad of me, to have been looking at her niece naked through the key hole. But I saw plainer than ever that she was lewed to her very marrow — no whore after twenty years’ fucking, more so.

There was great difficulty in getting Mrs. W*r because of the situation of our respective rooms, and circumstances generally. — But cock and cunt won’t be kept asunder, if they don’t mean it. — I tried to get a room next hers but failed. At length I got one opposite, but two or three days passed without my having a chance. At length we copulated at dinner-time. She shammed being unwell, and staid in her room. I suppose they thought I was out. I hopped across to her, and we fucked three times in an hour and a half. A day or two after, the party went off to Waterloo. — She was to have gone also, but again pleaded being unwell, tho she looked as strong as a horse. I passed the entire day with her, and had a hard ballocking bout. She had food sent up to her room for herself of course, but enough for two was there, and we eat it together. I hid myself in a cupboard when the waiter brought it in, but the cupboard was so small, that the door would not quite close on me, so she pulled some dresses right over me as they hung up there. I had a bad cough, and unfortunately a fit of coughing came on just as the waiter was leaving, and in trying to check the cough, I farted rather loudly. The waiter most likely thought it was she who had let it go.

I felt much annoyed at what I had done, but took no notice of it till we had dinner. Then the comicality of it made me suddenly burst out laughing. — She did the same. “Hish,” said she, “they will hear us outside.” — “What are
you
laughing at?” said I. — “What are
you
?” Both then recommenced laughing in a suppressed manner. “He thought it was you.” — “I’m afraid he did,” — she replied, and then we adjourned to the bed, and no further remark was ever made about the flatulent noise. — It was funny, tho — I got away without being noticed I believe that day.

I had Mrs. W***t*r — once again only, and am of the same opinion that I was, about her sexual skill and beauty. For a quite middle-aged one, I don’t recollect any woman who gave me more pleasure. Her cunt was perfection tho I can say that of scores. The difficulty of getting her was great.

I had a run at the baudy houses in the town, where the women were both wholesome, and very cheap, both of which conditions for the time were agreeable to me. Altogether I had quite seven or eight of them, my favours being distributed among four houses. — Five francs was then the price at three of them, and at the other (a splendidly furnished house) the price was a Louis. — But not one of the eight women were really handsome, tho half of them had fineish forms, and all were baudy beyond my requirements.

I went on from that town to
^****
where I nearly got into a servant of a family who were travelling, but did not succeed. I got her out in the dark one night, and felt her cunt whilst she had her back against a wall. I afterwards got her into my bed-room, and there, tho I felt her, and made her cunt sweat with her lust, tho she felt my prick till I nearly spent, tho I am sure from the intrusion of my fingers that she was no virgin, tho she subdued her voice almost to a whisper when refusing me and defending herself, tho I threw her on the bed, and kissed her thighs, yet I never succeeded. I had to let her go, on her saying quite seriously, and sternly. — “Now we’ve had our fun, but if you’re rough I’ll cry out — that I will — for you shan’t do it to me — and I don’t want your money neither, never you mind if I’ve done it or not,
you
shan’t.” “I expect you’ve got the pox,” said I, leaving her. I have had others who would go to any lengths, but stop at fucking.

 

On my way back I stopped at Paris. At a brothel I had a lovely creole, such a tall, handsome creature, but who annoyed me with her smoking. She was naked, all but stockings and slippers, when she came in. After washing her cunt, or as they call it there, making her toilet, she was smoking then. She laid down for my inspection of her cunt and backside, which took me a long time, I was so pleased with her, she smoking all the time, and contemplating me and herself, in the looking-glass which formed the top of the bed. I stripped myself naked, so that I might lay all over her, and enjoy the contact of her lovely flesh with mine, a thing I am fond of doing with women before I fuck them, and there she laid smoking, seemingly quite unconcerned, and I believe was thinking of something else than what was taking place between us. “Put out your cigarette, you don’t fuck with that in your mouth, do you?” “I’ve done so before now,” she replied placidly, but she put it down. Then at once she laid hold of my prick, to insert it in her cunt. It was stiff against her thigh touching her cunt, and I was enjoying its stiffness without immediate intention of putting it into her, so I took it away from her cunt, as she put to that orifice “You’re in a hurry, ma chère.” — “Not at all,” said she, stretching out her hand for the cigarette, which was still alight and within her reach. But I knocked it out of her hand. “Let’s think of fucking, ma chère.” “Volontiers.” Being deprived of her cigarette, she began the proper preliminaries, most voluptuously, and was soon rewarded with a gluey injection.

That over, I questioned her about her parentage, feeling desirous of knowing the breed, for the tone of her flesh was most delicate, and made me curious. Then seeing my curiosity about parentage, “Did you ever have a black woman?” she asked. I never had. She told me then that there was a fine Negress in the house. At once I sent for her, but she had just been engaged by a man, so I fucked my creole again and departed.

A day or two after, I had the black woman, who was, I should say, about twenty or twenty-two years old, and a tall woman. She came in dressed, or half dressed in yellow satin, and with a silk handkerchief of the brightest possible colours, wrapped round her head. She spoke French well, and said she was born at Guadeloupe. Whether that is a place inhabited by a Negro race or not, I don’t know.

I was impatient to examine her, and my hand sought her cunt under her single garment without delay. I felt there hair, short and crisp, and close, which reminded me of the vegetable called a loufah, with which orientals rub themselves at the baths, and one of which a friend gave me recently to use, for the first time. He had travelled much in the east and had brought home many things novel to me, loufahs among them.

I stripped her forthwith. She had on white silk stockings, and bright coloured slippers, which made a funny contrast with her flesh, for she was very dark. She was exceedingly well made from her knees upwards, had a handsome round backside, and lovely breasts, but the calves of her legs were miserably thin, and she had very large ugly feet, and her hands were also large. Her face really did not strike me as ugly, and she had splendid white teeth, shewing thro very thick lips. Her face seemed in one perpetual grin, and her teeth shewed incessantly, perhaps purposely.

But her cunt was the most important part to me, I found the split very much like that of any other female, it had smaller inner lips, with a clitoris which stuck out like a very little prick, and seemed to have but little connection with the inner lips, which however, commenced by a junction with it, and enlarged lower down. All this was almost a black red, the vagina looked pink. The outer lips were quite round, and of moderate fullness. The hair every where about her cunt, was quite black, and like horsehair with intense curliness, and laid flat on her motte. There was only a moderate quantity of hair about her cunt and belly altogether. The effect of the deep colored split, with the pink interior, cutting as it were thro the surrounding blackness, interested me but did not stir my lust at all, which surprized me, so I sat to look more closely at her cunt.

The hair interested me. Not only was it crisp, but each hair curled right round, and as it was short and not in large quantity, I could easily trace the curls. I have never seen cunt hair exactly like it before.

[In one or two Negresses since had, I have seen some resemblance, but they had longer and much more hair on their cunts, than this woman.]

I asked her for a comb, and when she had fetched one, I combed, with the finely toothed part, the hair on her mons. Immediately it had passed thro the comb, it curled up and laid flat as before. The Negress laughed her funny laugh, loud and long — never had a man combed it before, she said. When she fetched the comb she thought I wanted it for my own hair.

Then I put her on the side of the bed, and stood holding her thighs. My prick was not stiff, but with some difficulty I made it so. — She wanted to suck it up, but I would not let her. At length it was up to her, and I began the to and fro movement, looking at her handsome breasts as she lay now naked. — But not much fancying her, my prick began shrinking. To stimulate it I relinquished holding one of her legs, which she herself then kept well up in the air without my assistance, and with my free fingers distended her cunt lips at the top, and watched my prick moving in and out of her dark orifice. All was useless, a nervous feeling that I could not fuck her came over me and out my prick came as big only as a walnut. It is always so directly I have such a fear.

It was useless rubbing it against her curly wigged slit. Nothing stiffened it. Saying I was fatigued, I laid on the bed by the side of her. She, cleverer, and I imagine in thinking over the affair, not unaccustomed to such masculine failures, said I had over excited myself, should be all right soon, and so on, and fondling my cock, and lending herself to all my fanciful investigations with my fingers and eyes. In about ten minutes (I suppose) I was stiff again — “Now,” said she gaily, and anticipating what I would do, put herself quickly in the same position as before, on the bed side.

Up went my prick again, stiffer now. Shove, shove, shove. A slight thrill of pleasure beginning at my prick tip, running to my bum hole, and from those two centres of lust, right thro my body, passed through me — “A — her — ha — ha — ha,” — sighed she, jerking her buttocks, as if about to die with sexual delight, and sob out her life under my thrusts.

But as she sighed, her eye balls turned up, the pupils were nearly hidden by the lids, and I saw that the balls looked quite yellow, instead of white. At once all lust left me, the nascent pleasure in my prick stopped short, quickly as the blood could leave the veins, my prick shrunk, and shrunk, till out of her cunt it came. I had not the power, or the wish, to move or thrust, or to try to keep it up her. Her yellow eye balls had annihilated desire in me, lust had fled — “I can’t kiss you,” I said, and sat down on a chair feeling my prick, and looking at her naked body with her legs dangling down.

Jumping up “Mais oui, you can, you must — lay down, I will make it stiff again,” yielding I laid on the bed, wishing to have a black woman much, and ashamed of my impotency, feeling for the minute that fucking a black was almost as unnatural as fucking a monkey, yet with a strong will to do it, tho without the sexual desire to do it — What was the cause of my prick slinking so I wondered.