My Only Regret (Twisted Fate Book 1) (25 page)

He hovered in the doorway, looking at me like he had just been slapped. “Betrayed you? How? Because of a phone call and a stupid text? I don't believe this." He threw his hands in the air and then punched the wall. I watched as drywall dust fell to the floor and saw the blood on his knuckles. "So your gonna bail on me? That’s just great. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. I can’t keep spinning my wheels hoping that one day I'll have done enough to earn your trust. If you leave I don’t know that I’ll be here when you get back.”

I spun around and pointed my finger in his face. “I’ve got news for you babe,” my lip curled in disgust, “you did have my trust, up until the moment I saw that text. And if you have to leave… well, you do what you have to do.” His shoulders slumped forward and he closed his eyes.
 

I ran out the door and drove toward Mel’s apartment. I was nearly there when it dawned on me that he would probably follow me there. Instead, I turned and headed toward the coast, not sure how far I would drive but certain that I couldn’t be anywhere near him at the moment.

My phone pinged with text messages, seven in total so far. When he wasn’t texting he was calling, I finally turned it off and threw it into the passenger seat. I would turn it back on later. I kept checking my rearview mirror, wondering if he would follow me, praying that he wouldn’t but also a bit disappointed that he hadn’t. I loved him with an intensity that I didn’t know I'd even possessed. I needed him more than air or water, and that mere fact scared the hell out of me.

More than once this topic had nearly torn us apart. In my heart I knew that Jesse hadn’t really done anything wrong. It wasn’t as if he had been with her intimately since our marriage, except for that one kiss, but he had been with me most every day for the past forty-nine days, and in that time we had gained a lot of ground. It was possible that I had overreacted to that text, but his response hadn’t soothed my hurt, it had only fueled the fire.
 

After my father left, I stood by and watched helplessly as my mother retreated within herself. She went about the motions each day, but gone was the loving woman that once held me and made me feel secure. She had given up, eventually becoming a shell of a woman. A few years later I learned that my dad hadn’t just fallen out of love with her, he had fallen in love with someone else. Another woman had come between them, but not just any woman, this one had been a former lover. The thought of another woman coming after your man was unsettling enough, but when that other woman knew him intimately, well that upped the ante more than a notch. Amber contacting him hadn’t upset me just because I was jealous. No, her contacting him terrified me because it had stirred up old fears, fears that no matter how deep I tried to bury them, somehow they always seemed to reappear, almost as if they were always lurking below the surface, waiting to strike.

I drove around in circles for hours and ended up at Alki beach. I knew that Jesse was probably out of his mind with worry, but that didn’t stop me. I knew that I was probably being selfish, letting pride take up residence within my brain, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how casually he had talked about her, as if she had been one of the family that I just couldn’t get along with. I sat down on the cool sand, leaning back against a protruding rock, and watched as the waves tumbled over with great force, crashing into the wet sand no more than twenty yards away. My eyes fluttered closed, exhausted from the strain of fighting off tears, and soon I drifted off to sleep.
 

Alone. Cold. Vulnerable. Scared.

T
he squawking of the seagulls woke me long before I was ready to open my eyes. I was freezing, my teeth chattered and my hair was damp from the ocean mist. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and looked around. What time was it? I patted my body, searching for the outline of my phone, but found nothing. Standing up, I retraced my footsteps back to the car, not finding any sign of it. Surely I must have taken it with me as I left last night. I punched in the security code on the car and plopped into the drivers seat, thankful for the shelter from the cool breeze. I checked my reflection in the vanity mirror and didn’t like what I saw staring back at me. I snapped the mirror back into place and reached for my keys. My eyes caught a glimpse of shiny metal on the floorboard of the passenger side.
My phone.
I pulled it up, turning it back on. I had forgotten that I turned it off in anger last night. I had twelve text messages and two voicemails, all from Jesse.

Did you really just walk out on me?

Just come back and let’s talk this over calmly.

Please Rhyann.

Rhyann?

Babe, don’t ignore me. That’s not going to fix things. We need to talk.

Damn it, don’t shut me out. Don’t do this to us baby. We’ve come so far. Don’t give up on us, not now, not ever.

Please answer your phone.

I keep calling but it’s only going to voicemail, I left one. Hope you listen to it.

I love you Rhyann, please pick up the phone.

Answer the fucking phone!

Screw this shit!

I’m gone.

My fingers trembled as I typed in my password to retrieve my voicemail.

"Baby, I know that you're upset about this and you have every right to be. I understand that I’ve hurt you by allowing Amber back into our lives, but it’s not what you think. I can’t just shut people out of my life the way you can. My friends are like family to me. Family is very dear to me, and whether you like it or not, Amber was once part of my family circle. She may have hurt me once but I’ve been able to forgive that. Part of me was hoping that you loved me enough that you could see past what she once was to me and trust me enough to forgive her too. I don’t have any feelings for her, other than platonic. Our dance is done, she finally accepts that, but I knew it was over when I first laid eyes on you.“

Heavy sighs fill the quiet space before he speaks again.
 

“You are the only woman I want. When I close my eyes you are the only one I see. I have been with countless women in my lifetime, but yours is the only face I remember. Please come back home. I can’t stand being here without you."

I’m crying as I press the button instructing the system to save the message and hold my breath waiting for the next. His voice had been tender and loving in the first message, but the flat tone of his voice in this one left me feeling colder than when I had been exposed to the elements.

“It’s now been five hours. I’ve called around and no one seems to know where you may be, either that or Mel just isn’t telling me. I drove around all night, calling you, texting you. It’s as if you’ve given up on me, given up on us. I can’t live my life like this Rhyann. I can’t sit here wondering if you truly love me the way that you say you do. You told me that you couldn’t trust me, and I know that trust is hard for you. But you’ve never once stopped to consider how your accusations make me feel. You knew how hard it was for me to love someone again. I love you more than anything in this whole world. Watching you walk away, the way you never once looked back, that hurt me more than you will ever know. You say that you can’t trust me, well join the club because right now I’m not sure I can trust that you love me as much as you say you do.“

I hear muffled voices in the background saying something about heading out and I assume it must be Tyler.
 

“Well, I’m leaving now, the car is waiting to take us to the airport. I know you said that I should go without you, but it doesn’t feel right. If you want to join me the itinerary is on the counter. Just call or show up, it doesn’t matter.”
 

More yelling this time, Jesse muffles the phone and tells them he will be right there.
 

“I’ve gotta go. Fuck, this feels so wrong… You're my wife, dammit. You're supposed to be here with me.”

I hear what sounds like garbled cries and sniffling. Oh my God, he’s crying. What have I done?
 

“If this is goodbye baby, please know that I will always love you, but I can’t live like this anymore. I'm tired of paying for someone else's sins.”

I hear the phone drop and soft wailing. My heart aches. I hear Tyler’s voice and then a shuffling as he comes closer to the phone, closer to Jesse.
“Come on,”
he tells him.
“Give her some time, she loves you.”
Then the phone goes dead.

The drive home is a blur, but it doesn’t take nearly as long to get back as it had the night before. My hands shook as I tried to open the front door; making it nearly impossible to punch in the security code once I made it inside. I ran to the bedroom, almost expecting to find him sleeping, waiting for me to return, but there’s no one in the cold and empty room but me. The bed is exactly as I left it the night before; decorative pillows are still positioned against the headboard. He didn’t sleep here. Maybe he hadn’t slept at all. His voicemail had indicated that. I looked around the room, taking in the bed and the spot where he always slept, then my eyes locked on the suitcase that remained in the same spot where I had left it yesterday afternoon when everything had still been normal. Before everything had gone to shit.
 

Suddenly, everything began to spin round and round in my head and I bolted for the bathroom, collapsing to my knees in front of the toilet bowl, and I emptied my stomach of the only thing left in my system, a bright yellow bile. He was gone. My fear and foolishness had gotten the better of me and allowed me to push him away. Would he even want me back? Would all of the love he had for me be enough for him to let me back in, to maybe hurt him again? My stomach clenched tighter and I threw up violently, the twisting knot in my guts wrecked havoc on my body. I collapsed into a fit of tears, terrified of what my life would be like without him in it. I cried for a long time, then moved into the shower and cried some more. I crawled onto our bed and hugged his pillow, breathing in his scent, wondering if it would be the last time.

It was after four in the afternoon and he still hadn’t called. I picked up the phone countless times, my finger hovering over his name, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The anguish that I had heard in his voice, I had caused that, and it had been unnecessary. My fears and insecurities had cost me a lot over the years but nothing compared to this. I had said that I needed space, but maybe he needed space from me. Before I set the phone down I sent him a short text, just to let him know that I was still alive.

I’m okay. I'm sorry for making you worry, I just had to get my head straight. I got your messages, and your voicemail. I’m not sure how to handle all of this. I told you before that I’m a broken mess. I feel like being with you healed me, put me back together you know, but all it took was something minor to shatter it all apart again. I’m not sure what that means for us. I hope that you are okay and that your tour goes well. I don’t know if this is goodbye. I don’t seem to know anything anymore, except that I love you with everything I am. I hope that is still enough.

CHAPTER TWENTY

T
wo days have passed without us speaking to one another and I can't take it any longer. I haven't slept since waking up on the beach. I haven't eaten, and I've barely taken in any fluids. I'm an emotional basket case. I'm still vomiting off and on and I'm beginning to think that it's something more than a meal that didn't agree with my stomach, but my head and heart hurt so much I'm barely able to think straight. I just know that I'm about to lose my mind and the only thing that will help me is if I can hear his voice.
 

“Hello,” his voice sounded thick and groggy, and I knew right away that he’d been sleeping. He’d probably had a late night.

“Hi, is this a bad time? I can call back if you like,” I stammered, nervously.
Fuck, this is my husband, I shouldn't be afraid to call him.

“No,” he spoke softly, more awake this time, “I can talk.”

“I wanted to see how you were. Are you okay? How’s the tour going?”

He let out a heavy sigh. “It’s,” he started, then stopped to clear his throat. “It’s going well so far, same as always you know. This is old hat for us.”

“And what about you?” I asked, again.

“What about me Rhyann? How am I doing?” I heard him shuffle in the bed and I wished for everything that none of this had happened and I could be right there cuddled up beside him. We would wake up and he would kiss me tenderly before making love to me, then we would crawl out of bed and make breakfast together. My heart ached to have that back. “Do you really want to know?” his voice sounded irritated, brittle even.

"Yes." My voice was a soft whisper, and I realized that I was afraid to hear his response.

"I'm fucking miserable. I'm on the road, my wife left and wouldn't talk to me, I had no idea where you were, or if you were alive. I went out of my fucking mind. I drove all night looking for you. What they hell were you thinking?" The emotion pouring out of him made it feel as if we were right back in the living room, the night it all started. “I know you were pissed at me, I get it, but did you even once stop to think about your actions and how they would affect me? I thought we were a team. I thought we were building something, something I could always count on.”

I tried softening my tone, hoping he would let down his guard. It had been two days since we had spoken and, as selfish as it sounded, I just needed to hear his voice. I needed him to make my world right again. I needed him to ground me. It was a lot to put on one person's shoulders, but I'd come to count on him for that kind of strength. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you. I know that I was hasty in my decision. I jumped to conclusions, assuming the worst. I’m notorious for that, it’s a flaw I’m not proud of.” He snorted softly in agreement. “I was wrong for leaving and I’m so sorry I made you worry.”

“Where did you go?” his tone softened.