My Only (14 page)

“No! She couldn’t see you. They’d knocked her out when we realized you weren’t coming out right. Aaron’s delivery was smooth and we kept waiting for you. The doctor made the decision, they let me kiss her on the forehead as they gave her the anesthesia, and then they made me leave.

It took forever.” He ran his hands through his hair. “When the doctor came out, he told me I had two boys and Crystal was dead. She’d bled out, her blood pressure dropped, and that was that.”

My dad stood, dragged a hand down his face, and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Adam,” he said. “I can’t talk about this anymore.” He left the room and I didn’t know how to feel. Al kinds of emotions assaulted me, but mostly I felt bad for him. I felt horrible for bringing it up because obviously almost eighteen years later it stil hurt.

“What the hel was that about?”

I looked up at Aaron and couldn’t respond.

“You know he can’t handle that kind of thing.”

I shook my head. I hadn’t known anything like that. “I just wanted to know about her. Don’t you want to
know
about her?” He stood and stretched. “Yeah, but I don’t want to make him feel like crap doing it.” As he passed me on the way out, he said, “Next time, you should ask Aunt Tricia.”

“I didn’t mean to make him feel bad,” I said before he was out of the room.

Aaron stopped and shrugged. “I know. But he does.”

Sitting in the living room for a while, I heard Aaron place the pizza order, while dad tooled around the kitchen, getting his food ready for work. I felt bad, obviously, and didn’t know how to fix it. Feeling sad about my mom, I missed her even though I’d never real y
had
her. I felt horrible about making my father sad, but at least now I knew she made little origami animals.

When the pizza arrived and the plates were on the table, I left the living room. My dad was in the kitchen, pouring sodas. I stood next to him, but didn’t know what to say. After a moment of silence, he set the two-liter bottle down and turned to me.

Final y, after a long moment of silence, I said quietly, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

He put his hand on the side of my head, covering my ear, before careful y pul ing me toward him, and enveloping me in a hug. While I would consider him a loving father, he’d never been much of a hugger. In fact, he wasn’t much of a fan of affection. Maybe he wanted to be, but couldn’t quite figure it out. Maybe if my mom was alive, he’d be better at it.

“Don’t be,” he said before patting my back twice and pul ing away.

After dinner, I spent an hour in the garage looking through the bin of old photos.

Olivia wasn’t in school on Monday. We had no plans to study together, but I was worried and upset that she wasn’t there. I wanted to go to her house and find out what was going on, but felt that perhaps that would be too aggressive. I didn’t want to come off as a weirdo. I didn’t want her to think that I was obsessed and couldn’t handle an entire day without seeing her.

Besides, I had practice. Casey and I got pizza with Blake, Seth, and Cory right after school. They were in marching band with us. Seth and Cory both played the trumpet and Blake played the saxophone. Cory was the only one who played wel . While al three of them were in our garage band, Cory was the main contributor. He’d learned the bass guitar when Casey had mentioned we needed one. The other two just sat in the garage while we played, occasional y adding a little flare of brass and woodwind to a song.

At practice, we played the familiar songs we’d been perfecting since ninth grade. Gary Glitter’s “Rock & Rol Part 2”, Queen’s “We Wil Rock You”, “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge, and 2 Unlimited’s “Get Ready For This”. They were the typical marching band fare and while I knew them al wel enough to play them with my eyes closed, it was the new dril s and formations that kept it interesting.

It was late by the time I got home. Aaron and I ate a snack—peanut butter and jel y sandwiches—on the floor of the kitchen while we discussed practice. I didn’t think he was real y interested in how mine went, and he knew I didn’t care about footbal practice, but we had a silent agreement.

Each of us wanted to have someone to talk to about things like this, so both of us would put up with listening to the other, just for the opportunity to speak about what interested us.

Afterward, I went upstairs to finish up the homework I’d started earlier in school. When I looked out the window, I noticed Olivia’s curtains were closed, leaving me feeling just as uneasy as I had when I’d realized she wasn’t in school. I hoped she wasn’t sick, but she’d been real y pale at the bookstore the other day

It was hard concentrating on my homework, which had never been a problem before. I struggled through it, trying to find something to motivate me, but when I final y finished it, al I had left to do was get ready for bed.

I felt better on Tuesday when she walked into Current Events. She was late, which seemed to be her custom, but today she was later than usual.

She had a yel ow note in her hand that she gave to Mr. Bel man. Olivia’s hair was pul ed back, a long braid running down her spine. She wore a dark brown shirt and loose-fitting jeans.

I wanted to go talk to her when the bel rang, but Aaron beat me to it and I didn’t get another chance until that night. We hadn’t coordinated our schedules as she’d suggested, so Casey dropped me off at the mal . As I changed out a display in the front window, I saw Olivia walking toward the toy store in her uniform. It might have just been my overactive mind, but it seemed like she was less energetic than usual.

Beginning to worry about her health, but not wanting to focus on it since I knew nothing for sure, I pushed the anxiety aside.

I focused my thoughts on doing constructive things at work. I built the display properly and helped a few customers find the exact book they’d come in looking for. I suggested a few to others. As always, I was pleased with myself for being able to convince them that they needed to own the one I was pushing. I had an in-depth debate with the assistant manager on the Nook versus hard copies of books. Neither of us was pro one platform over the other, so we came out the other side of the conversation the same as when we started. We had a lot of conversations with similar outcomes.

When he told me to take my break, I clocked out quickly then went to the toy store. I found Olivia in the action figures, straightening and picking up al of the items that little kids had discarded. “Hey,” I said.

She turned around. Her hair was stil in a braid, pul ed over one shoulder. Her work shirt had a few wrinkles in it. Now that I’d been in her room, I knew why. “Hey, Adam,” she said.

Olivia brought her hands in front of her, flipping the package that contained the Marvel superhero Thor over and over again. I pointed to it then blurted out, “Did you know that Thor first debuted in 1951 and his hammer’s name is Mjolnir?” For a moment I berated myself for being an epic dork, but then she smiled. Twisting around, she found the hook the toy belonged on and placed it there. When she turned back to me, she said, “I didn’t know that. Is it Fun Facts time?” I shrugged. “It can be.”

“Want to go eat something?” Of course, I agreed. “Help me straighten this section and then I’l take my break.” I immediately started helping her and putting toys back in their proper places and pul ed boxes on the lower shelves forward. It took less than two minutes to complete. Then she was off to the backroom. I found the
Magic: The Gathering
cards near the register and thought about buying a few packs. It was unnecessary, but I stil wanted to. Before I pul ed out my wal et and made the impulse purchase, Olivia was back next to me, and we left the store.

She had a smal fabric lunchbox in her hand obviously having packed for her dinner. We stood in line together and when I’d gotten my tray of food, we sat down at a smal table on the edge of the food court.

“So where were you yesterday?” I asked in between bites of burger.

The salad she’d pul ed out of the lunch bag looked complex. It seemed like every vegetable known to man was in that bowl. White chunks of what I thought was tofu and red kidney beans were scattered over the top of the leaves. Olivia finished chewing, set down her fork, then leaned back into her chair. She folded her hands together against her abdomen and said, “Had to go to the doctor.” It was vague and it didn’t get me any indication on
why
she saw a doctor. It wasn’t my business, but I needed to know, “You okay?”

“Just a checkup.” She started eating her salad again and then said, “So here’s my Fun Fact. It takes the average person about seven minutes to fal asleep.”

It seemed reasonable. It never took me long to fal asleep. “Not my brother.” I took the last bite of my hamburger then looked up to see that she was obviously interested. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned Aaron. But I was committed now. “Yeah,” I said. “He barely sleeps. He’s tired al the time.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

I shrugged. “He has a lot of natural energy, but first thing in the morning is bad for him. Usual y he’l lie in bed for hours until he fal s asleep and then sometimes he’s up every hour.”

“That’s unhealthy.”

Nodding, I said, “I know.”

“Have any history tests coming up?”

“I think so.” Olivia put the lid back on her bowl and shoved it and the fork into the lunch bag. “I don’t know.”

“I have practice tomorrow night, but maybe after six thirty you can come by and we can go over your notes?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” she said, sinking into her chair. The back of her head was resting back against the frame.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. I’d never seen her so lethargic. Her eyes looked a bit sunken, drowning in the faint dark circles beneath them.

“Nothing. I’m cool. Just low energy today. It happens.”

I checked my watch and stood and she sluggishly did the same. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as we walked back to our wing of the mal . I hoped that she felt better, and I told her this as I dropped her off outside the toy store.

The next day, she waved to me in Current Events, said “hi” to me at lunch, and waved to me again as we passed in the hal way after school. She seemed happier and more energetic than yesterday.

The day proceeded in usual fashion. Practice was good, except for the four freshmen who tripped over each other, sending trumpets and French horns flying. Olivia showed up at my house at seven.

I wanted to go straight to my room to study. Honestly, I couldn’t have cared less if we actual y studied. I just wanted to be alone with her again.

My brother had other ideas. As soon as I opened the door, Aaron was nudging his way into things. He said hel o to her before I did. Before I could lead her to the stairs, he’d grabbed her hand, gently tugging her into the living room.

She giggled. Just like al the other girls did when they were around Aaron.

Once in the living room, I kept trying to ask her if she wanted to study, but my twin kept interrupting me. No sooner than I’d open my mouth, Aaron would be asking Olivia a meaningless question. Final y I just sat there in the recliner, watching the two of them interact on the couch. It hurt my feelings, but it also pissed me off. Aaron wasn’t waiting like he said he would, and Olivia should’ve told him that we had plans.

It got so bad that I left the room. I didn’t stomp out like an immature brat; I just slowly made my way out of the living room. Maybe they thought I was just leaving to get something from the kitchen, but neither one said a word.

It was right before ten when my door opened. I’d gone upstairs and immersed myself in
World of Warcraft
. I pul ed off my headset. I let it drop to the desk. I swiveled in my chair. When I saw Olivia was standing there, I quickly turned back around and turned off my monitor. Usual y I wasn’t embarrassed by my gaming, but usual y there wasn’t a very hot and popular girl standing in my doorway watching me.

“I knocked,” she said, jutting her thumb out toward the door. I just nodded. “What were you doing?” Olivia took a tentative step into my room. “It looked cool.”

I swal owed hard and scratched the back of my neck as I tried to decide how much to say. Given that she’d spent the entire night with my brother instead of me, I didn’t know how much I should trust her. I was silent for a while. In the end, I said, “
World of Warcraft
.” She came closer. “That’s like a game, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it fun?”

“Yeah,” I said again.

Olivia rubbed her hands on her thighs and tilted her head to the side. “You play with other people, right? Like online?” One more time, I answered, “Yeah.”

She sat down hesitantly on my bed and wrapped her arms around her torso. “Are you upset with me?” I shook my head.

“I came over to study, but then we just started hanging out, so that was cool, but then you just left, which wasn’t cool.” Her brow was stitched together, her expression a mixture of worry and confusion.

“We weren’t hanging out,” Unable to stop myself, I said, “You were hanging out with Aaron. I was just there.” The look of confusion deepened. Unwrapping her arms, she leaned back on them. I looked away, not because of what I had revealed, but because the line of her body was too much. She was beautiful. Even if she ditched me to hang out with Aaron, there was no denying how beautiful she was. Or how much I wanted her.

“I thought we were al hanging out. I didn’t
try
to hang out with him and ignore you. You weren’t saying anything. Actual y, I was studying the dynamics of you guys. You know, as twins?”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Maybe I should’ve felt flattered that she was analyzing us, but I stil felt discarded. When I brought my gaze back to her, she looked so earnest that I started feeling bad for her. I supposed that if I put myself in her shoes, maybe she felt like she was commandeered by Aaron and I
didn’t
say anything. Just because I wasn’t able to be social with someone as pretty as she was didn’t mean I could blame her for that.