My Heart for Yours (10 page)

The touch of a boy

Like she’d never had

But the way he left her

Made her sad

Was really bad

I suck. This is crap.

You said they wouldn’t all be good, and that it was okay.

I’m just not sure if I still believe you
.

Ten
Delia

I miss the way Tobin smelled when he’d come home from work. Like metal, sweat, and fire. I loved what his welding job did to his arms, shoulders, and back. Kelly, Rachel, and I would walk in front of the welding shop a hundred times a day just to smile, or wave. That was the summer Tobin and I got together. The summer that forever changed my life. The last year I spent in Crawford. And I spent as much of it with Tobin as I could.

My favorite time to watch him work was when Tobin couldn’t see me, and I was alone. I’d just watch for a few moments. Even with his mask on, I could tell he was deep into his work. He was an artist as much as he was a builder or repairer. Something I don’t think most people recognized about him. I know my dad didn’t.

I thought once we got back to town, it would seem more real, but even being here, it still seems impossible that Eamon’s gone. I hate that he’s gone. I hate it for young men everywhere, and for me and for Tobin and for the people who Eamon helped find strength, even when they didn’t think they had any.

Tobin did that for me. I was never stronger, happier, and more alive than when I was with those two—even though I don’t think Eamon had any idea what to do with the way

Tobin and I felt about each other.

Eamon took me in like one of his own, because even though he thought we were crazy, he could see how much I loved his brother.

Tobin was the only thing I ever stood up to my dad for. Even if I only did a crap job of it, I tried. Until suddenly Dad seemed right, and I was just too tired to fight anymore.

***

“
The only time we’ve been at odds, Delia, was over that boy.” Dad stood in the doorway of my new room in D.C. as I laid in bed, my whole body aching. It wasn’t just the move, all of it was too much for me to deal with.

I wiped more tears, but didn’t say anything.

“
I want you to think about how that turned out, Delia. Think about it long and hard. I want you to know that taking over Senator Lyle’s seat was an honor I was chosen for, and I’m not going to be one of those men making excuses for my kids because I expect you’ll damn well do what I tell you to.” Dad’s jaw was set, his dark hair greased back, and his three-hundred dollar custom shirt was pressed and heavily starched to perfection.

I wanted to scream at him and tell him I hated him and that I’d do whatever I damned well pleased, but Tobin wasn’t there. Tobin hadn’t called. Tobin broke my heart before I broke his, he just didn’t see it that way. He said he couldn’t answer when I’d called, that he needed space, time to process what was going on with us. But I needed him. For him to finally decide to be there after I was gone was too little too late. I figured he would be relieved. He was finally rid of me.

“
We understand each other, Delia?” I swear Dad grew a foot taller as he leaned into my room.

“
Yes sir.” I wanted to snap out the words, but instead I sounded weak. Just like he wanted me to. Damn Tobin. I’d needed him to fight, and he’d just let me go. He had to know that I couldn’t be strong anymore. That I didn’t know how to stand up to my dad without him by my side.

Mom stepped through the door, not meeting’s Dad’s glare. She patted him on the arm. “I’ll talk to her.”

“
Delia and I have already talked!” His voice boomed. “And she knows damn well what I expect. We have a dinner tomorrow night, and she needs to be cleaned up and ready to go.”

I wondered if by ‘clean up’ Dad meant that he’d noticed that I was wearing one of Tobin’s shirts. I stole it from his room the day before we left town. It was the only thing I’d ever taken without permission from anyone. The soft, button up plaid shirt was old and worn and smelled deliciously like Tobin. Most of the time, I kept it folded in the back of my closet, not wanting to wear it too much and have the smell of him wear away. But on really bad days, I couldn’t help but put it on. Wanting any shred of him to be there with me.

Dad disappeared, and I broke down into a fit of sobs that tugged and pulled at my insides. Who still thought this way—that their family was there to serve them or something? Everything about being in D.C. felt backwards.

Mom was quiet, as always, but rested a hand on my shoulder. “You have to understand Delia. Your father was raised by a very harsh man and has worked really hard to get to where he is.”

At that moment I hated Tobin for backing away almost as much as I hated Dad for pushing me forward. I wanted to scream at Mom that I didn’t care about Dad and where he was from. He should already see that he’d taken everything from me.

And as Mom sat next to my bed trying to explain away her husband’s behavior, she pulled another long drink from the cup she’d left on my nightstand.

All I knew in that moment was that I was too tired to fight anymore. I’d fought for time with Tobin. I’d fought for Tobin. I’d fought for control of this situation that we put ourselves in. But Dad was right—
where was Tobin now, when I needed him?

***

I roll over in bed and try to get comfortable again, but I can’t do it.

Out. Out. Out. It’s all I can think as I slide off my mattress.

This routine I could do in my sleep. I lock my door, go the bathroom and smear a few drops of jasmine oil on my wrists before I remember I’m not meeting anyone and didn’t need to do that.

I glance around at the pink. Tobin gave me so much crap over my pink bedroom and bathroom. I used to tell him over and over that I picked it all out when I was fourteen and couldn’t be held liable. I think he used it as an excuse to tease me.

Weston hadn’t said a thing. He’d never been to this house, and never said a thing about my ridiculously girly room. Damn, Tobin for still being in my head.

I still don’t know if Tobin’s just a part of this place, or more a part of me than I realized. Either way, his name brings equal amounts of pain and something I don’t understand.

My soft cut-offs are where I left them in my closet, and they’re a little big from my salad and coffee diet, but they’ll stay on. In minutes I’m sitting on the edge of my window, waiting for the courage to drop down. I’ve done this a million times. A
million
.

But I can’t do it. It’s too far.

I’m pissed at myself when I slide back inside. Now what am I going to do?

The obvious answer hits me.

Go out the front door.

The house is silent as I sneak through, until my hand hits the front door, and someone clears their throat. My stomach seizes up at the thought of being caught. Dad was one thing, Weston would probably be another. He’d want to come, or keep me inside, and I can’t stand the thought of either.

I spin around and see Mom in her bathrobe, leaning against the counter with a mug in her hands watching me. She’s drinking in the middle of the night. I think this is new, but not positive.

“
I…” I start to whisper.

She shakes her head, a tiny smile on the edge of her mouth. “Be quiet when you come back. I’ll leave the door unlocked.” Her voice isn’t even a whisper, and I wonder if I heard her right.

My jaw drops. I’m a bit shocked, and bewildered, but I’ll take it. I think I nod or wave or react in some way before tiptoeing out the door, and closing it silently behind me. It makes me wonder what it would have been like if Mom had been the one who caught me sneaking back in that first time, instead of Dad.

***

The first time I got caught sneaking out was awful. Well, I was actually trying to sneak back in. I saw my dad on the porch before Tobin did. He always walked me back home—unless he was too drunk, in which case I’d leave him with Eamon, making him promise me he wouldn’t try some dumb stunt while taking Tobin back to his bed. That had only happened a couple of times. The morning I got caught, Tobin was with me.

I stopped in the woods, in the faintest beginnings of dawn, and Dad’s anger radiated from that porch like nothing I’d ever felt.

“
Oh, Shit. Delia, I’m sorry. I’ll come up with you.” His hand squeezed mine and the other touched the ends of my hair.

I’d almost laughed. If I hadn’t been so scared, I would have. “I don’t think that’ll help.”

Dad hadn’t seen me yet, probably wasn’t sure which direction he should be looking. I hated our vast lawn right then. If the trees were closer to the house, I might have had a chance to sneak onto the back porch and claim to have slept there all night.

“
A kiss then, and call me when you can.” Tobin’s fingers slid around the top of my jeans sending a shiver through my body.

I turned to kiss him, and as usual, he was already waiting for it. He could never get enough of me, he’d always said. Just another reason that I felt invincible with Tobin. Dad’s voice split the silence just as our lips came together.

“
DELIA GENTRY, YOU GET UP TO THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW!”

I jumped out of Tobin’s arms and started running without a glance back. Dad was not to be messed with.

My heart pounded so hard that I could hear the
thump-thump
pulsating in my ears, I had no idea what I’d say to him. He’d really caught me in the worst possible way.

“
Not you!” Dad yelled again. “Get out of here, and go home!”

I turned to see Tobin following me.

“
Please go,” I whispered, desperately afraid for what Dad would do to him.

“
I’m not letting you take the fall for this, Delia.

I was so torn then. The love in Tobin’s eyes versus the anger in my dad’s.

Dad was between us before I knew he’d moved, grabbing us each by arm, pushing Tobin away and pulling me behind him in one quick, fluid movement.

“
I’m only going to tell you this once, son.” I could barely see Tobin behind my dad’s large frame. “You keep your hands off my daughter. You’re a piece of shit in a small town, and no part of you is worthy of her. Got it?”

Even Tobin didn’t have anything to say to that.

My heart broke at both my dad’s words and the expression on Tobin’s face.

I opened my mouth and tried to speak, tried to defend him, but Dad was too scary. Still is.

Dad grabbed my arm and led me inside. I stared at Tobin the whole way, just praying he wouldn’t let me go. Wouldn’t let my dad stand between us.