Mucked Up (10 page)

I will call it …

Zurbo’s Very Famous Theory of Bushing

As shown below in Fig#1: if you are walking past a bush (B), then the net force of a hand (H) applied to a person (P), divided by the size of the bush (B) equals A (arse) over T (tit).

Physics is a mammothly yawny subject and we are doing it for the rest of the term so the only way I can survive is make up stupid physics formulas for fun so I don’t go mad because I don’t know what this lame-o teacher is talking about. He is an emergency teacher who just started with us: not even sure what his name is, just a yawny kind of name like Brown or Bennett or Brady or something boring like that, and he’s got a yawny voice that just goes on and on in one lonnnnnnnnnng yawnnnnnny wayyyyyyy …

sooooooo Newtonnnnn’s third lawwwwww
essentially sayyyyyys every action hassssss an equal
and opposite reeeeeeeeeaction

‘Getting any of this, Zurb?’

Jack S is sitting beside me. Wish he wasn’t, he’s really crapping me and I’m not interested in all the things coming out of his dumbarse mouth.

‘Well I’m trying to listen but you keep bugging me,
so shoosh.’

He doesn’t but, his mouth keeps opening and
closing and sounds keep coming out.
‘Don’tya wish Valderamma was still here, Zurb? Then at least we’d have something to perv at, hey?’

Valderamma is away for the next three weeks. She just got married to some lucky dude and now she’s gone to Fiji or some island somewhere for her honeymoon. That’s why we’re stuck with Boring Brown/Bennett/Brady.

soooooo sayyyyyyy I have
a … ball annnnnnnd I
roll it alonnnnnnggg …
the floor annnnnnd it hits
… anotherrrrrrr … ball
annnnnnnnd the first ballllllll

‘Wonder what the Valderamma’s doing right now, like RIGHT now,’ goes Jack S. ‘Bet she’s lying on the beach and her husband is putting suncream on her bikini bod and he’s rubbing it all over her and it’s all ooooo yeah ooooo ooooo ooooo …’

He’s doing this ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-thing with his neck going back and forth and he looks like an idiot. ‘Shut up, willya. You shouldn’t be thinking that stuff anyway, you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re not s’posed to think about other girls if you’ve got a girlfriend.’

‘Oh yeah,’ he says, remembering Jarrell and stopping ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ing with his neck.

‘Just do your own work, okay, Jack? I’m trying to listen to the teacher,’ which is not true, I don’t want to listen to Bennett/Brady/Brown, but I’ll do anything to make Jack S shut up and leave me alone today.

sooooooo Newtonnnnnn’s Third Law … tellllllls
us the second balllllll is also reacting tooooooo
… the first ballllllll with the same force of …
Newtonnnnnnnn’s

Someone does a massive loud yawn that goes: YAWWW
WWWWNNNN

Brincat probs, he’s always doing crazy crap like that. Everyone’s laughing but Boring Brady/Brown/ Bennett keeps going like he doesn’t even notice.

then that balllllllll is pushing back onnnnnnn … the
first ballllllll because for everyyyyyy action there

I think part of his brain must be damaged, the part that makes you a normal human.

is an equal and opposite reeeeeeeeeaction

When you think about it, this Newton theory about equal and opposite reactions is true actually. With everything the teacher is saying, there is an equal and opposite feeling of painfulness listening to him.

Back to making up my own physics formulas.

This will be an important new formula and I will call it …

Zurbo’s First Law of Snore-Physics

If you’ve got a loser-lamer of a dad who used to be a really good muso and wrote really good songs and stuff but now lies around all day in his undies because he’s bored (b squared) and he can’t get himself a job, and if his lazy-arse quotient (LZQ) is greater than his own self-respect (Sr), and you multiply this by his mucus-snottage levels (m+s), there will be a massive increase in the Snore Volume (SNRRRRRRR squared).

soooooooo imagine a third balllllll … is pushing
back on the second ballllllll … by an equalllll

But in all the history of great physics formulas, I don’t think there’s ever going to be a more important formula in the universe than the one I’m going to make up right now, and I think it should look something like …

It is called …

Zurbo’s Scientific Rule of Vommy-Wommy Love

Let me go through it real slow because it is very complicated and smart: if there is a relationship (R) that you know of between a boy (b) and a girl (g) and they’re always like holding hands in a cutesy vommy-wommy way and like making a big show about how much they love (L) each other by giggling together and using sickening words like ‘adorable’ (A) or whatevs (W), then that means they’re trying to prove to everyone that they’re actually quite in love (Q) but the probability is they’re in non-love (nL), so as clearly demonstrated in Fig. 1 above, the Xtreme vommy-womminess of a relationship is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship (Lr), thus they do not have long at all and they will probably not be going round with each other for very much—

‘
PIG!!!!!!!!
’

Someone yells that so we all turn to look at the side of the class where the yell came from. Mandy Karaniki is pointing out the window at the little grassy lane outside the Science block where the school ends and the fence is.

‘
THE PIG’S OUT THERE!
’

Everyone’s getting up out of their chairs, going ‘Where? Whaaaa?’ and Boring Brady/Bennett/Brown is going,
‘Please … sit dowwwwwwnnnn …’

‘But a pig’s out there!’

People are pushing out their chairs,
skreeeek
skreeeek,
so they can get to Mandy’s window to see. I just sit there and Jack S sits next to me, waiting to see what I’ll do because he has no brain to make decisions for himself.

Cody Carruthers is the first to Mandy’s window and he pushes her away so he can look out. ‘Where?’

‘There,’ says Mandy Karaniki.

Richard Brincat pushes Mandy more out of the way, ‘Lemme see it.’

‘$#%@!’
says Cody Carruthers. He shouldn’t be doing crude-languaging in class, but as if Boring Brady/ Brown/Bennett is going to do anything about it.

Dougy Mansour tries to stick his head in front of Cody, ‘Reckon it’s the same pig as this morning?’

‘No, ya dumb
$#%@
_,’
goes Cody, ‘there are HUNDREDS of pigs in nappies all over the school.’ He pushes Dougy’s head out of the way so he can keep looking.

‘Back to yourrrrr … seats pleaaaaaaase … we are
innnnnnnn the middle of …’

The teacher is talking in such a yawwwwny way he even bores himself, loses interest halfway through his sentence and just stands there watching everyone looking out of Mandy’s window.

Girls are going ‘Awwwwww!’ and ‘Cuuuute’ and ‘It’s just a baby.’

Boys are going ‘Haw haw’ and ‘Who’s hungry for bacon?’ and ‘I saw it this morning and it did a crap.’

Jack S is looking at me: ‘Should I go look at the pig?’

‘Do what you like, Jack, I’m not your boss, jeeeeez.’

‘Thanks, Zurb.’ He skreeeks his chair, gets up and goes over to the pack at Mandy’s window, hanging over them to look out.

‘Hey Mandy, your sister’s looking for ya.’ (Brincat)

‘Funny AS, Richard.’ (Mandy)

‘Haw haw.’

‘It’s running away.’

‘Don’t go, piggy!’

‘It’s running off to find Mandy, haw haw.’

‘It’s gone.’

‘Where’d it go?’

‘Think it went under the fence.’

‘Piggy’s gone.’

Everyone starts going back to their seats because the pig is gone.

‘Thannnnnnk you … back to yourrrrrr seats … let
us get backkkkkkk to worrrrrrk…’

Skreek-skreeking as chairs pull out again, people sit down, haw hawwwwing.

‘It was in a nappy.’

‘So random.’

Jack S sits down next to me, ‘Can’t believe it was a real pig.’

‘It’s just a pig, Jack, no big deal.’

‘No PIG deal!’ He laughs but I don’t so he goes quiet.

soooooooo as weeeee have been discussssssing … if
you have aaaaaa pair of forces acting … onnnnnnn
two interacting objects

I feel bad for the baby pig, poor little thing, just freaking out, running round, doesn’t know where to go, stuck at school …

the size of the forces onnnnnnn the firrrrrrrrrst
object … equals the size of the force onnnnnnn the
seccccccccond

… stuck here, hating the place, hating the day, just wanting to go home. Just like me, both of us just trying to survive a day.

Just wants a bit of happiness. Like the main guy in my rock opera HumanKind that I have been working on.

sooooooo consider aaaaaa … bird flying with its
wingsssssss … the wings of the bird pushhhhhh …
air downwards

I’ve got the first verse of the opening song for the rock opera but I’m struggling a bit with the next part. I think the bunch of singers is going to step back and the main guy will walk onstage. He is the star of the show. He’ll wear like a suit and tie, like he works somewhere in a city somewhere, and he just faces the audience with a sad look on his face. It is a very sad rock opera, did I tell you that? The singers point at him and sing more …