Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

1
A Computer in My Head

2
Say Good-bye to Sugar

3
Emily Is a Giant Hamster

4
Sharpening Pencils Can Be Dangerous

5
Sugar Shock

6
Computers Can't Tell Jokes

7
Busted!

8
Virtual Reality Day

9
The Truth About Mrs. Yonkers

10
The Greatest Invention in the History of the World

11
Send in the Clones

12
One Way to Handle a Sub

13
The Moral of the Story

About the Author and the Illustrator

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

Do you know what would be cool? Instead of learning stuff in school, we should have computers built into our heads. There could be software for math, social studies, reading, and all that other stuff teachers say we need to know. You
could just plug whatever software you need right into your head. Then we wouldn't have to go to school anymore!
^*

Think about it. If we had computers in our heads, we could spend more time doing stuff we
want
to do, like playing sports and video games and going to the movies and eating junk food.
That
would be cool. I would buy one of those computers in a minute. But I guess until somebody invents a computer you plug into your head, we'll just have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!

We had just finished circle time in Miss
Daisy's class when Mr. Klutz came into the room. He's the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean
none
. Hats must slide off his head because there's nothing to hold them on.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr. Klutz?” asked Miss Daisy. (That's grown-up talk for “What are
you
doing here?”)

“I wanted to try out a new joke,” Mr. Klutz said.

Oh no! Mr. Klutz tells the worst jokes in the history of the world.
^**

“Where's the best place to keep a remote
control?” he asked.

“Where?” we all shouted.

“In a remote location!” he said. “Get it? Remote? Location?”

Mr. Klutz bent over laughing and slapped his knee even though his joke
was totally lame. We all laughed anyway. You should always laugh at the principal's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“But seriously,” Mr. Klutz said, putting on his serious face so we knew it was time to get serious, “I need to talk to you about something. Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, wants us to bring Ella Mentry School into the 21st century.”

“Cool!” I shouted. “We're gonna travel through time!”
^***

“This
is
the 21st century, Arlo,” said
Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.

“I knew that,” I said, even though I really didn't. Only a smarty-pants-know-it-all like Andrea would know what number century it is. What is her problem? Who counts centuries?

“How are we going to bring our school into the 21st century, Mr. Klutz?” asked Andrea's crybaby friend Emily, who is allergic to ferrets.

“We're going to spiff up the place,” he replied. “We're getting some new equipment, a security guard, a computer lab, and a computer teacher, too. In fact, she's
right outside. Would you like to meet Mrs. Yonkers?”

“Yeah!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

Mr. Klutz went into the hallway and came back with some lady. You'll never believe in a million hundred years what she had on her head.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

Mrs. Yonkers was really weird looking. She was wearing a polka dot skirt and one of those big foam fake cheese things on her head.

“Howdy, y'all!” she said.

She must be from Texas. People from Texas say “Y'all” and “Yee-ha” all the time
on TV. Nobody knows why.

“In my younger days,” Mr. Klutz told us, “I used to work with computers. But Mrs. Yonkers is a computer
expert
. What are the children going to learn in computer class, Mrs. Yonkers?”

“Well,” she said, clapping her hands together, “we're going to make our own websites, create computer art and computer music, and play virtual reality
games. I'll show you some of my own inventions, too. I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head!”

“Doesn't that sound like fun?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Yeah!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

Actually it
did
sound like fun. I just like saying no when grown-ups try to get me to say yes.

“Too bad there isn't a computer program that makes up jokes,” Mr. Klutz said. “I could use one of them.”

“I'll work on that,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “This afternoon I'll be seeing you kids in the new computer lab. But does anybody
have any questions before I leave?”

“Why are you wearing a fake piece of cheese on your head?” asked my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

“Isn't it funky?” asked Mrs. Yonkers. “I bought it on eBay for twelve cents. Plus ten dollars for shipping. Any other questions?”

“Are you a nerd?” asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.

“That's not very nice, Michael,” said Miss Daisy.

But Mrs. Yonkers didn't mind. She pulled up her sweater and showed us a T-shirt she had on underneath. It said
NERDS R COOL
.

“Say it loud!” she shouted. “I'm a nerd and I'm proud!”

Mrs. Yonkers is weird.

A few minutes later, Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Yonkers left. Guess who walked in the door next? Nobody, because if you walked in a door it would hurt. But guess
who walked in the door
way
?

It was Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse! She has eyes that look like cotton candy, and she is beautiful. She wanted to marry me a while back, but I told her I wouldn't because she's already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mrs. Cooney?” asked Miss Daisy.

“Mr. Klutz asked me to help bring our school into the 21st century,” Mrs. Cooney said.

“How are you going to do that?” asked Miss Daisy.

“Well, a big problem these days is that
too many kids are obese,” said Mrs. Cooney.

“Too many kids are beasts?” I asked. I was thinking about beasts because I just saw this cool movie called
King Kong
.

“‘Obese' is ‘fat,' Arlo,” said Andrea.

“So is your face,” I told her.

Andrea probably looked up “obese” in her dictionary. She keeps one on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. I hate her.

Mrs. Cooney told us that kids need to eat more vegetables and other stuff that doesn't taste good.

“Candy and sweets rot your teeth and dull your mind,” said Mrs. Cooney. “Did
you know that a can of soda pop contains about
nine
teaspoons of sugar? They call it junk food for a reason.”

“What's the reason?” I asked.

“Because it's junk!” she said.

Oh. I thought it was a trick question.

“How are we going to get our students to drink less soda pop and eat less junk food?” asked Miss Daisy.

“I'm glad you asked,” said Mrs. Cooney. She held up a poster that said
SAY GOOD-BYE TO SUGAR
on it. “Starting tomorrow, soda pop and junk food will no longer be allowed inside Ella Mentry School.”

WHAT??????????????????????????????

Did I hear that right? No more soda
pop? No more candy?

Suddenly everybody was talking and whispering to one another.

“They've gotta be kidding!” said Michael. “I'll
die
without junk food.”

“Life will be horrible,” said Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he
wears clothes.

“This is gonna be worse than National Poetry Month!” said Ryan.

“This is gonna be worse than TV Turnoff Week!” I said.

“You boys are silly,” said Andrea. “I think ‘Say Good-bye to Sugar' is a great idea. I
like
healthy food. My favorite foods are herb-roasted chicken, fresh fruit, and baked soy chips.”
^****

“Could you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.

“You'll feel a lot better once you start eating less junk food,” Mrs. Cooney told us.

“How about we give up vegetables instead?” I suggested.

“Arlo, you probably never even
tasted
a vegetable,” said Andrea.

“I did too,” I told her. “I tasted one once. Then I spit it out.”

My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you eat too many vegetables, you get a disease called vegetitus. So I stay away from that stuff. Besides, green is a weird color. It's the same color as boogers. You shouldn't eat stuff that's green. That's the first rule of being a kid.

I was so depressed about ‘Say Good-bye to Sugar' that I could hardly pay
attention during social studies, math, reading, and science. I wasn't even excited when Miss Daisy announced that it was time to go to the computer lab to see Mrs. Yonkers. All I could think about was soda pop and junk food.

We had to walk a million hundred miles to the computer lab. It's in a trailer in the back of the parking lot, near the woods.

We walked up the ramp to the trailer.

We opened the door.

And you'll never believe what we saw in there.