Mr Gum and the Goblins (12 page)

‘Look, Frides,' exclaimed Polly at length. ‘The snow's a-meltin'. An' the sun's comin' out proud as you please an' soon all the ice cream vans will come out of hibernation!'

‘I do believe you're right,' said Friday. ‘What an adventure it's been. Tell you what,' he nodded, getting out his blue guitar. ‘This calls for a song!'

‘You better hurry it up then,' said Polly. ‘I gots a feelin' we're nearly out of time.'

‘Time, little miss?' laughed Friday. ‘Why, we've got all the time in the

THE END

Hello again
.

You know, Polly and Friday aren't the only ones who have adventures in Lamonic Bibber. Old Granny, the oldest woman in town, has been known to get up to some pretty wild stuff too. And while all that goblin malarkey was going on, O.G. was having quite an adventure of her own . . .

 

O
ne cold winter's day, Old Granny awoke in her big brass bed from before the War, had a little sip of sherry from the bottle she always kept by the bedside, and got up. She brushed her false teeth with her false toothbrush, and had a little sip of sherry from the bottle she kept in her bathroom cabinet from before the War. Then she went
downstairs, had some cornflakes, and turned on her old TV from before the War. Actually, a lot of things in Old Granny's house were from before the War, I think I'll stop mentioning that now.

Then Old Granny had a sip of sherry from the bottle she always kept down the back of the armchair. Then she had a sip of sherry from a little bottle she always kept hidden in the first bottle.

Then she phoned her brother, Old Danny, on her huge old-fashioned black telephone.

‘Hello, Old Danny,' said Old Granny. ‘How are you?'

‘Old,' said Old Danny.

‘Me too,' said Old Granny. ‘Great, isn't it?'

‘Yes, and I'm always having adventures,' replied Old Danny. ‘For instance, this morning I found a penny on the kitchen floor. And last week, I found a penny on the kitchen floor.'

‘Perhaps it was the same penny,' said Old Granny.

‘Perhaps,' laughed Old Danny. ‘What an exciting mystery it all is!'

‘I haven't had an adventure for ages,' said Old Granny wistfully. ‘The last proper adventure I had was in 1978 when I joined that punk rock band. Do you remember?'

‘Oh, yes,' said Old Danny. ‘Rancid Vomit.
What a great band that was. I've got all your records, especially since I'm your brother.'

‘Yes,' sighed Old Granny. ‘Well, I'd better go now, Old Danny, because you live in Australia, don't you? And you're asleep in bed.'

‘That's right,' said Old Danny. ‘Call me if you have any adventures. Bye.'

Well, Old Granny sat there for some time, having a bit of a daydream. After a while, she decided to go out to buy some milk, a bag of those special horrible sweets that only old people are allowed to buy and some more sherry – and that's when the adventure began.

‘I can't find my cardigan!' she said in amazement. ‘Where can it be?'

My goodness, what an adventure! Old Granny must have looked for that cardigan for nearly three minutes! But finally she found it. It was lying on the kitchen floor.

‘Just wait till Old Danny hears about this!' chuckled Old Granny, picking up the phone once more. ‘He'll have to call me Old CARDIGRANNY!'

And he did.

THE END

Andy Stanton
lives in North London. He studied English at Oxford but they kicked him out. He has been a stand-up comedian, a film script reader, a cartoonist, an NHS lackey and lots of other things. He has many interests, but best of all he likes cartoons, books and music (even jazz). One day he'd like to live in New York or Berlin or one of those places because he's got fantasies of bohemia. His favourite expression is ‘I'm going to have to kill you, now,' and his favourite word is ‘Mexico'. This is his third book.

David Tazzyman
lives in South London with his girlfriend, Melanie, and their son, Stanley. He grew up in Leicester, studied illustration at Manchester Metropolitan University and then travelled around Asia for three years before moving to London in 1997. He likes football, cricket, biscuits, music and drawing. He still dislikes celery.

 

 

Yes
, here it is! The book that started it all! Full of all your favourite characters, including Mr Gum, Billy William the Third, Friday O'Leary, Polly and Crafty Tom – the Tyrannosaurus rex with a heart of gold.
*

Gasp!
As Mr Gum tries to poison a massive whopper of a dog!

Giggle!
As Friday O'Leary juggles five ping pong balls and a banana!

Do something else beginning with a
‘
G
'
! As Polly races to save the day with her Pollyness!

You're A Bad Man, Mr Gum!

Shabba me whiskers – it's barking bonkers!

Well, what do you know? Mr Gum's back! And this time he's trying to steal tonnes of cash off a poor defenceless gingerbread man with electric muscles!
BOO! SHAME ON YOU, SIR!

But you don't just get Mr Gum, oh golly gosh no!
You'll also meet:
ALAN TAYLOR! He's tiny!
MONSIEUR BELLYBUTTON! He's stinky!
Nine-year-old POLLY! She's lovely!
FRIDAY O'LEARY! He's Friday!

Yes, you know it's a fact,
Mr Gum and the Biscuit Billionaire
is a Right Royal Treat!
So don't delay! Read it today! Yipee-aye!
Yipee-aye! Yipee-aye! READ IT!

 

*
Actual book may not include Crafty Tom

Shabba
me whiskers! This is barking bonkers . . .

You're A Bad Man, Mr Gum!

won the Red House Children's Book Award! AND was shortlisted for the Sheffield Children's Book Award AND the Leicester Children's Book Award AND the Branford Boase Book Award AND heaps of people love it . . . Here's what they say:

‘
Funny? You bet . . . Worryingly splendid
.'
Philip Ardagh, Guardian

‘We laughed so much it hurt.' Sophie, aged 9

‘This is a riot, it is hilarious, it is brilliant . . . best book I've read in a long time, no matter what age it is for . . . Stanton's the Guv'nor, The Boss.' Danny Baker, BBC London Radio

‘An irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.' Sunday Times

‘The truth is a lemon meringue.' Friday O'Leary

‘A wickedly entertaining story.'
Bookseller

‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my Mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself it is so funny.' Bryony, aged 8

‘Utterly zany and deliciously revolting!'
Junior Education

‘Do not even think about buying another book – this is gut spillingly funty.' Alex, aged 13

‘Weird, wacky and one-in-a-million.'
First News

‘When Mr Gum steps on an old slice of pizza . . . riding it like a cheese and tomato surfboard, my friend Ethan burst out laughing, and wanted me to read it to him again and again.' Theo, aged 7

‘Mr Gum is the most hilarious book I've ever read, all of my family cried with laughter when we read it.'
Katy, aged 9

Mr Gum and the Biscuit Billionaire
will have you hiccupping with hilarity too!

‘A riotous read.'
Sunday Express

‘This second book in the Mr Gum series zings with originality, wit and ridiculousness.' Scotland on Sunday

‘Cranks up children's storytelling conventions to hilarious extremes.' Jewish Chronicle

‘Mr Gum is back in this second hilarious book and he's as nasty as ever.' First News

‘Your brain's too small for your head!'