Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman (25 page)

“I did not mean to imply that I regretted kissing you. I could never lament something that gave me such joy. I regret taking that liberty without first having ascertained whether I was forcing myself upon you. I request your forgiveness in that regard only. It would be disingenuous of me to seek your pardon for the act itself, because I know I would welcome the opportunity to repeat that endeavor at the slightest provocation. I knew after I kissed you in the library the other day that I needed to declare myself in order to determine if you could ever receive me as a suitor. Obviously, given our past, I was more than a little hesitant to do so, but it was various circumstances beyond my control, and not my apprehension, that kept me from attempting this conversation before now. I want you to know that while I truly value the friendship we have forged since my return to Hertfordshire, I would be lying to you if I continued the pretense that your friendship is what I seek.” Stepping closer, he took her hands in his and told her what he had waited so long to say. “The plain truth of it is, I love you. I have never stopped loving you, and I would do anything to have you as my own. My need for you is overwhelming. It is all I think about, and it is my deepest wish that you could one day return my regard, in even the smallest way. I know you once told me that you could never love me, but I am unable to let you relinquish your hold on me. I will love you, no matter what your response, but if your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. As you can see, my affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

As he waited for a response, she looked at him clearly, in some ways for the first time. Before her stood a vulnerable man who had exposed his emotions to her, knowing full well, from experience, that he risked her rejection a second time. She felt the intensity of his regard as a physical presence. That he could care for her in such a way, after all that had passed between them, made her feel valued in a manner she had only imagined. But it was not just the fact that he valued her that made her love him in return. It was more than that. He had mentioned the primary reason himself. When she was with him, like this, she felt she could bare her soul to him. Nothing felt more natural. His intellect, wit, and the way he viewed the world coincided with her own, and the differences between them, which she had once thought were so great, now seemed merely a dissimilarity of style and not substance. She knew she respected him, admired him, treasured her time with him, and longed for him in a manner she had never felt for another person before. As she finally replied to him, she broke into a dazzling smile. “Yes, Mr. Darcy, I think it is safe to assume that my feelings for you are nothing like what they were in Kent.”

He could not help but return her smile in full force. “I am very glad to hear it… but I am not sure that you have answered my question.”

Giddy with excitement and overwhelmed by their conversation, she could not help but reply in a teasing manner, “Mr. Darcy, I may be wrong, but I do not think that you actually asked me a question.”

“I think I did, but the more material point is that I have told you of my continuing regard for you and my hopes that you could consider me as a suitor. You have allayed my fear that you no longer despise me, but you have not told me what your feelings for me are.”

Feeling suddenly shy, she looked at him with a slightly pained expression and then decided to take the leap. Smiling at him bravely, she told him, “You once said something to me that, at the time, I callously disregarded. I have often thought about it since. It seems appropriate now. In response to your request, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

At hearing her words, his breathing became rapid, and as a wave of joy washed over him, he involuntarily grasped her hands tighter. He stared at her in disbelief for what seemed a long time and then found his voice. “Then I take it you would consent to me courting you?”

His words awoke her from her somewhat trance-like state. Confused by his request, she repeated, “To court me?… Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose so. Yes, certainly. Do you wish to speak to my father then?”

“Yes, I would. May I return with you now?”

Letting go of his hands, she replied, “Actually, no. I think it would be better if you waited until tomorrow morning. I feel awkward mentioning this after all… that has passed between us, but Mr. Lucas intends to call this morning. It would be easier if you were not there.”

“It seems to me that his presence is the best reason for me to go to your father directly.”

“No, I would ask that you do not. I will speak to Mr. Lucas, and I will make my intentions clear to him. He will understand, but I think there would be very little served by making your request before he visits.” Seeing his dark countenance, she asked, “You do not think it a wise plan?”

“No, I must be honest. It is not. I do not feel comfortable knowing he will be seeking your attentions when we have already come to an understanding.”

Replying more formally than she intended, she said, “We have not actually come to an understanding, but that is beside the point. I am not sure that Mr. Lucas has any specific design in mind by his visit. It is my mother who is convinced of it, not me. But if he does, I will make it clear to him that I do not welcome his attentions. I want to do that, regardless of the state of our understanding. It is not as though he has lost me and you have won me. I simply do not hold him in any special regard, and he deserves to know that. He has long been a friend of mine, and I owe him as much.”

He studied her for several moments, attempting to understand all that she had said. While he disagreed with her estimation of Lucas's regard for her and the manner in which it affected him, he was more troubled by something else she had said. “Why did you say that we have not come to an understanding? I thought we had. Do you think your father will not approve?”

Trying to respond in a casual tone, she replied, “Well, no… actually, yes, my father may be slightly difficult to convince, but that was not what I was referring to. I simply meant that we have not yet come to an understanding as to our future. You have simply requested to court me.”

He began to protest but thought better of it as he noted that the look in her eyes, which he had seen when she had told him that she cared for him—that he had hoped to see in her eyes for so long—was no longer there. Instead, he simply asked, “Have I offended you in some manner? I told you before that I seem to stumble when attempting to discuss my feelings for you. If you are to accept me, if we are to be together, then I would imagine that we will need to do something about this, or we will be destined to misunderstand each other far more frequently than necessary. I have been trying to improve in this regard, but I think I will need some assistance from you. If I have offended you, even slightly, would it not make more sense for you to just tell me, rather than hope I will realize my misstep of my own accord?”

She had to laugh at his logic and the endearing manner in which he had sought her guidance. “You are absolutely correct. In our last few encounters, we dispensed with the usual strictures of polite conversation. Maybe we should adopt that approach overall. We will attempt to be honest with each other, even at the risk of hurting each other's feelings directly, in order to avoid the injuries we inflict without recognizing them.”

He thoughtfully replied, “That seems quite wise. But will you tell me now what injury I have unintentionally inflicted?”

“I did not mean to imply you have injured me at all. It is nothing really. In attempting to say it out loud, I can see how silly I am being. I… I was just surprised that after what you said to me—what I said to you—that you felt a courtship was necessary.”

“I just thought that given our history, it was the wisest choice.”

“If your decision was based on our history, I am even more confused. When you were unsure of my regard, you asked me to marry you. Now that you are sure of it, you wish only to court me. Under your plan, if our mutual regard continues to grow, we shall be only slight acquaintances by the close of the year.”

Amazed that she had so totally misunderstood his intention and disturbed by her teasing tone about something so important, he blurted out, “That is simply unfair.”

“I may have overstated it, but if you need more time to make a more formal commitment to me, or if you need time to convince your own family of the suitability of our match, I will understand. You should just say so.”

Looking at her in utter frustration, he attempted to formulate how he would tell her that their courtship was for her benefit, not his. Instead of speaking, he quickly stepped in front of her. Startled, she moved slightly back, but he quickly closed the gap between them and cupped his hand to the back of her neck. He then slowly drew her face to him, giving her a fiery look. As their lips were inches apart, he whispered, “I know exactly what I want. I have no doubts. No reservations. I will marry you today if you will let me. Never doubt my resolve in that regard.” He then kissed her. She was, at first, shocked by his conduct and, in her confusion, resisted as he drew her face to his, but once their lips met, the overwhelming flow of her emotions washed over her and she relaxed into his touch. As their kiss deepened, she felt in danger of losing herself completely in the moment. As he reached one arm around her waist and placed the other behind her, resting his hand between her shoulder blades to support her, she relished in the feeling of him enveloping her. As they continued their kiss, she felt an overpowering surge of emotion. She felt both hot and cold at the same time, and she was drawn inexorably to him by the intimacy of this simple act and the tenderness that she felt for him.

He finally broke away and rested his forehead on hers. He then whispered to her, “I have just learned a valuable lesson. It seems I can put my mouth to far more effective use with you than arguing a point.” He then kissed her again and was rewarded for his effort by the feel of her arms entwined behind his back, pulling him closer. He eventually stopped to look at her in order to confirm that this was, in fact, real.

As he looked down at her in his arms, he saw that her beautiful face was flushed in a most becoming manner. She returned his gaze, and they both eventually broke into infectious smiles. As he leaned toward her to kiss her again, he said, “By the way, our courtship is officially over. Will you marry me?” As he started to kiss her, he could feel her beginning to laugh, but she soon turned serious as he continued to explore her mouth in the most tantalizing manner.

He eventually pulled himself away from her, aware that his control was precarious and that they were on an open path where people might soon pass now that the morning was in full swing. “Elizabeth, I would gladly stay here all day, but I think we might be seen. Should we continue our walk?”

She looked at him for a moment, lost in her emotions, unable to comprehend his words. She had often laughed to herself to see Jane in such a dreamy state after her visits with Mr. Bingley. She now understood it completely and knew she must look far worse. She eventually felt capable of a coherent reply. “Yes, I think we must leave, but I am afraid to say that I should return home. The events of the morning may test my mother's nerves, and it will be far worse if I am missing when she arises.”

As he nodded his agreement, he nonetheless took her back in his arms. After a breathless exchange, they separated as he heard the distinct sound of someone approaching. He strode quickly from her and saw that a young woman was walking up the path. He quickly indicated her approach to Elizabeth, who nervously straightened her hair and clothes. Elizabeth then stepped forward and greeted Maria Lucas, hoping that she looked more in control than she felt. After exchanging awkward pleasantries, Maria informed them that she was coming to visit Kitty and was delighted to have Elizabeth to walk with. Casting a quick glance at Darcy, Elizabeth smiled her acquiescence to Maria. She then smiled at him and said, “Mr. Darcy, it was such a pleasant surprise to run into you this morning. Extend my regards to Mr. Bingley and his sisters.”

“Yes, Miss Bennet, I certainly will. And please extend my regards to your entire family, particularly your father. Of late, I have not had the pleasure of his company, but I hope to rectify that as soon as possible.”

As they exchanged a knowing smile laced with some mischief, he bowed his adieu and walked to his mount. He watched her leave before he continued up the path back to Netherfield. Before he arrived at his destination, he met Bingley traveling in the other direction to Longbourn.

“Darcy, I wondered where you had gotten to. I tried to wait for you, but I despaired of you ever returning in time. The other night you said that you would accompany me this morning when I called on Miss Bennet, but you left before I awoke without leaving word. I am so glad I found you. It is not too late, turn around and join me.”

Darcy smiled at his friend and then sat in contemplation for several moments. “Charles, I probably should return to Netherfield, but I cannot resist your offer. Lead the way.”

Answers and Questions

As Darcy approached Longbourn, he began to question his decision to arrive at Elizabeth's doorstep uninvited. She had already told him that he should call on her father tomorrow. But, he reasoned, she had told him that before he had asked her to marry him, when she was vexed at him for seeking a courtship rather than offering a proposal. It was his unfinished proposal that was drawing him here, when he knew he should probably wait. In his desire to seal their union with the intimacy that he had waited so long to savor, he had forgotten to elicit a response to his question. At the time, her kisses seemed more important, but now he knew he needed more. On some level, his need to hear her say “yes” seemed self-indulgent. Her answer to the question seemed somewhat obvious given that she had brought up the idea of the proposal in the first place. But his possessive side wanted her pledge to him to be clearly understood, at least between them, before she entertained the likes of John Lucas. He hated to think it was pure jealousy that motivated him; it was actually something subtler. He simply wanted to have their commitment to each other formalized so that everyone, friend and foe alike, would understand exactly what she was to him and who he hoped to be to her. He had waited so long for their union to become a reality that he felt he could not wait any longer to secure it. Besides, he had not given her his ring. Ultimately, though, what drove him forward was a sort of irrepressible excitement. He was so elated by her acceptance of him that he had to see her again, to bask in it, to verify that it was real, and to show her how much it meant to him. It all combined to make the temptation to see her again irresistible.

As he entered the gate, he saw a mount already tied to the post. He knew it probably belonged to Lucas, and a wave of irrational animosity washed over him. As they were announced, he entered the parlor behind Bingley.

His eyes immediately went to Elizabeth, who was sitting in a chair at the end of the room, with John Lucas seated to her left. Jane sat on a sofa to Elizabeth's right, sewing. He immediately noted that Jane had chosen to sit at the end of the sofa, farthest from Lucas and Elizabeth. It was clear that she was acting as a chaperone, and that Lucas was visiting with Elizabeth specifically and not the sisters together. While he already knew as much on an intellectual level before he arrived, the visible evidence of it made his jaw taut with irrational anger. When his eyes once again rested on Elizabeth, he could not resist the temptation to make his connection to her evident to everyone in the room.

As Elizabeth noticed his arrival, her countenance registered a succession of emotions. At first, she was surprised and excited to see him, and her face could not hide her impulsive joy. As he returned her smile with an impudent grin meant to communicate their secret understanding, she felt embarrassed and flustered at the awkwardness of receiving him, in this manner, with Lucas present. As she realized that the situation need not have occurred at all, and that she and Mr. Darcy had only an hour before discussed avoiding it, she felt the pique of annoyance. Despite her misgivings, however, her tender regard for him made her resolve to give him the benefit of the doubt. As she quickly surveyed the situation, she determined that there was no real cause for concern. Whatever motivated his visit, the situation was salvageable, as long as she and Mr. Darcy did nothing to betray their mutual regard. If they both behaved as if nothing was afoot, she could dispatch Mr. Lucas speedily, as she had planned, and then enjoy Mr. Darcy's company. It would be a slightly more awkward visit but not beyond successful accomplishment, as long as she acted with a little finesse.

Setting her mind to the task, Elizabeth greeted Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy with the utmost formality and indicated they should join them. Mr. Bingley immediately took his place beside Jane on the sofa. That left Darcy to sit in the vacant chair next to Lucas, across from Jane. She watched in mortification as Mr. Darcy looked from her, to the open chair, and then to back to Mr. Lucas. He then walked purposefully to the sofa and sat on the end closest to her. The problem with his plan was that Jane and Mr. Bingley already occupied the sofa and the amount of space left next to Mr. Bingley was hardly sufficient to house Mr. Darcy's frame. Mr. Bingley, who was busy with an intimate communication with his fiancée, was somewhat taken aback by Darcy's decision to join him. Executing several particularly ungraceful movements, the two men struggled unsuccessfully to reposition themselves on the limited space of the sofa. Elizabeth momentarily closed her eyes in embarrassment, unwilling to watch. She eventually looked to Lucas, whose demeanor made clear that he saw both the import of the gesture and the humor in its execution.

As the room fell silent, Lucas eventually began the conversation. With a voice full of sarcasm, he stated, “Mr. Darcy, how good to see you again. Two times in two days. I must say you are becoming quite a permanent fixture in the neighborhood.”

Darcy returned Lucas's gaze with cold stiffness. He was mortified at his own conduct in making such an inelegant show of choosing his seat, but he also felt the challenge in Lucas's words and the mockery of his smile. While a part of his brain alerted him to the folly entailed in the course of action he was about to take, the rest of him was spurred on by pure instinct to claim what was his and warn off his competitor. Forcing an amiable tone, Darcy replied, “Thank you, Mr. Lucas, it is also a pleasure to see you again. You are quite right. I do feel very at home in the neighborhood. I had the pleasure of dining here yesterday as well, and I wanted to make my gratitude for such hospitality explicit.” Darcy then turned significantly to Elizabeth and bowed his head.

In response, Elizabeth turned her face away from Lucas, and toward Darcy, and gave him an imploring look, indicating her exasperation. Darcy ignored her gesture and smiled warmly in return.

Darcy then turned to Lucas and said, “But I do not mean to direct the topic of conversation toward me. I am interrupting after all. I have had the pleasure of your company several times, but never a chance to further our acquaintance. Perhaps you would indulge me?”

Lucas easily replied, “By all means, sir.”

“I understand you are the heir to Lucas Lodge.”

“Yes, sir, that is correct.”

“From my rides through the countryside I have had the opportunity to travel some of its borders. It seems an admirable estate.”

Surprised to find himself on the receiving end of a compliment, Lucas genially replied, “Thank you. I am quite proud of it.”

“The holdings seem extensive for the area; do you find it difficult to manage?”

“Yes… I mean no.” Seeing that Darcy's compliment was actually aimed at a different sentiment, he regained his composure and attempted to reply in an affable tone. “My father is much more involved in how the estate is managed than I have been, so I could not tell you how much trouble is involved in its administration.” He then smiled at Elizabeth and added lightheartedly, “As you well know, it has been my philosophy for quite some time to dwell only on the more enjoyable aspects of life, and I am afraid that the running of an estate will not qualify in that regard.”

Unwilling to relent, Darcy continued, “But you must play some part in overseeing it. I would assume that your father, at his age, would welcome your input and that you would have long ago sought to lessen his burden.”

Surprised at such a rebuke, Lucas replied in a more serious tone, “Actually, no. He has been content to hold the reins himself. But of late, I have come to realize that it is time for me to make some inroads in that direction.”

Acting as if he were discussing the weather or another innocuous topic, Darcy calmly continued on. “Well, I would highly recommend it. My own dear father insisted that I take an active role in our estate at a very young age. I think you will find that while the responsibilities are great, the rewards are proportional. It is only through the experience of learning how to rely on one's own judgment and decision-making skills that one is truly able to develop a sense of oneself. It is, of course, an acquired taste. Once you become comfortable taking responsibility for all of the aspects of your life, then you can no longer imagine a time when you ceded such authority to another, even a parent. But I have gone on too long about my philosophy. I am sure you have put your time to better use. Did you study at university?”

“Yes, I did.”

“When did you complete your education?”

“A little less than two years ago.”

“And how have you been occupying your time since then?”

Before he could answer, Mrs. Bennet entered and began chattering. While Elizabeth typically dreaded her mother's interaction with Mr. Darcy, she presently welcomed the diversion, thinking that the situation could hardly get any worse. Her sense of embarrassment and anger at Mr. Darcy's interrogation of Mr. Lucas had become intolerable, but she was unable to think of a way to divert the conversation to more neutral ground. While her mother began speaking, she attempted to catch Mr. Darcy's eye, but he was apparently content to avoid her gaze and pay attention to her mother.

“Oh, Mr. Bingley! I was just informed that you had arrived. How wonderful to see you again. I see you have found Jane. Very good.” As her eye moved further up the sofa, her smile faded. “Oh, Mr. Darcy, you are here too. Yes, well. I see.” Looking significantly at Elizabeth and then to Mr. Lucas, she frowned and turned to Jane. “Jane, dear, it is such a beautiful day. I was just saying that I have not seen such fine weather in above a fortnight. I know Lizzy and Mr. Lucas walked in the garden when he arrived, but maybe you would like to take your company there for a stroll now too?”

Seeing the opportunity to gain a little more privacy, Bingley quickly responded for them both. “Mrs. Bennet, what a lovely idea.” Extending his arm to Jane, he added, “Shall we?”

Smiling gracefully, Jane joined him. Mrs. Bennet then turned her full attention to Mr. Darcy. “Sir, would you not be more comfortable in the fresh air? I am sure Jane and Mr. Bingley would welcome your company.”

“Actually, Mrs. Bennet, I am quite satisfied where I am. You are quite right about the weather, though. I took a walk early this morning, and I cannot remember ever enjoying myself more. But, nonetheless, I am quite content where I am.” Turning to Mr. Bingley, he added, “Charles, would you mind terribly if I remained indoors?”

“No, Darcy, of course not.”

Unable to hide her disapproval, Mrs. Bennet eyed Mr. Darcy intently and curtly replied, “Very well, then. I will order tea.”

After Mrs. Bennet's departure, the three remaining occupants sat quietly, each attempting to determine what he or she could do to reduce the number of people in the parlor to two. Elizabeth decided on a course of action first. Turning to Mr. Darcy, so that Mr. Lucas could not see her expression, she raised her brow to signify her disapproval and indicated the door with her eyes. “Sir, I know how busy you are. Did you not tell me last night that you had an appointment this morning? I would not want to keep you.”

Ignoring her gestures, Darcy simply smiled back and answered, “No, Miss Bennet, I think you are mistaken. I believe I mentioned that I had an early morning appointment, but I have already attended to it. There are some issues that still need to be addressed in that regard, but at the moment, I am otherwise at leisure.”

After another awkward pause, Mr. Lucas determined to ignore Darcy's presence. He turned to address Elizabeth, asking, “Miss Bennet, have you heard that Mr. Smythe has become betrothed?”

Relieved to have the subject changed to a seemingly neutral topic, Elizabeth replied easily, “No, I have not. When did that happen, and how is it that our mothers have not been apprised?”

Smiling genially, Lucas leaned toward Elizabeth and said in a conspiratorial tone, “It is actually quite an amusing tale. I will tell it, if you promise to keep the secret.” Looking at Mr. Darcy, he added, “Sir, please forgive us. It is local gossip that I am sure would not interest you as you know none of the participants, but Miss Bennet and I have a long history of speculation in this regard, and I would be remiss if I did not enlighten her about the particulars.”

As Darcy watched Lucas tell Elizabeth about their neighbor, their familiarity with each other became more obvious and his exclusion complete. Each word that Lucas uttered felt like sand grating on the thin thread of his tenuous self-control.

When Lucas finally finished his tale, Elizabeth could not help but laugh at the clever way Lucas had concluded the story. As she did, Darcy cleared his throat. When she turned to him, she saw his brooding expression and withdrawn posture. She could not help but regret her actions. She was angry with him for his presumptuousness in coming and for his high-handed comments to Lucas, but her heart still belonged to him, and she did not want her momentary disappointment in his behavior to make him doubt her regard. Her laughter died in her throat, and her expression softened for the first time since his arrival in the parlor. Smiling at him, she asked, “Mr. Darcy, are there comparably ridiculous characters in Derbyshire, or does Hertfordshire hold a special monopoly on foolishness?”

He looked at her for a long moment, relieved that she had seen fit to include him purposefully in the conversation. He once again realized how much he appreciated her grace in continually forgiving him his impetuous conduct. He then gave her a knowing smile and replied, “I think each county has its own supply of such characters. While I do not know the people involved, I take it the gist of the story simply proves a long-held truth, one to which I heartily subscribe: Love makes people do foolish things. Your neighbors' actions may seem ridiculous from the outside, but I am sure that the sentiment that underlies their behavior is more in the way of sublime.”

Touched by the force of his emotion, Elizabeth warmly returned his gaze and said, “That is quite a lovely way of looking at it. I think we would all do well to emulate your perspective.”