Mother Be The Judge (2 page)

"How was that?" Avram asked

"Amazing," Jocasta said. She wanted to please Avram and didn't think her real answer of "Unexpected and painful," would make him feel good about his sexual prowess. Having learnt what sex was all about Jocasta was pleased that she didn't have any chance of a repeat performance when she got back to England. If that was what love was about, they could keep it.

"Come on, I have to go." Avram said, he got up from the sand and began to walk away, ignoring the hand Jocasta had offered for help from the ground. She followed him quietly, feeling a growing sense that Avram maybe didn't like her as much as he had been professing over the last few days.

"Avram," she called after him.

"Yes my darling?" Avram called back without looking.

"What's the matter, was I ok?" she asked.

"Yes, fine." He replied then turned back to wait for her. "Listen I have to work tomorrow but you can come to the restaurant, we can go shopping in my break yes?"

"Shopping?" she asked him, Jocasta couldn't think of anything else Avram could possibly want; she had already spent so much money on him.

"Yes, I really need some new shoes." He said, "Maybe I buy something nice for you, yes?" he reached out to stroke her hair then gently planted a kiss on her face. Jocasta found herself blushing, to kiss her like that he
must
love her, she was just being silly thinking she was being used.

"Yes ok Avram, I will see you tomorrow. How are we getting back?" she wondered.

"Oh I have to go and see some family in the hills so I can't go back with you, but you can get a taxi from over there." Avram pointed out a line of cars on the road in the distance.

"Sorry Jocasta but I really have to go." He said then kissed her once more before walking quickly away.

Jocasta walked towards the taxi rank, once more alone but she had a hot feeling in her vagina where Avram had been and it throbbed as she walked. It may not have been the way she had read it in books - rolling on a sea of hot emotion, climaxing together, transported into a world of love - but it had still happened; she was no longer a virgin,
somebody
loved her and that was good enough for her.

-x-

Avram had introduced Jocasta to a sex life where she accepted roughness as passion and friendship as foreplay. She decided the clitoris was a thing of fiction as it never did anything for her and Avram paid it no attention; he took her whenever or wherever the feeling came over him, often from behind and in silence. Jocasta was so enamoured by Avram that she acquiesced to his sexual urges, but knew sex was not something she would miss when she returned home.

The month went by so fast and she had loved every day. As the third week ended and the fourth week began, Avram had cooled in his affections towards her. Jocasta's now dwindling pot of money prevented them from shopping and she was no longer able to bestow gifts of clothes and aftershave upon him. She had nothing more to offer Avram other than herself and she could see he had shifted his focus onto new arrivals to the restaurant, rather than on soon to be departed Jocasta.

It hadn't mattered; it was only ever going to be her one wild moment of her life. Jocasta was pleased her holiday had brought her love, even if it was momentary; she was happy to return to her boring safe life and was looking forward to returning to her work. Jocasta wondered if the other girls who worked in the surgery would notice her glow or suspect the loss of her virginity; she knew that was highly unlikely as they would probably continue to ignore her. She consoled herself with the fact that
she
would know and would always have her memories of Avram even if she had no one to share those memories with.

-x-

The seatbelt signs went off and Jocasta stood up to collect her overhead baggage, only to find herself stumble as she was overcome by dizziness and nausea. She hoped she hadn't caught a bug; that was
not
the memory she wanted to end this holiday of a lifetime on.

'The moment a child is born the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."

Rajneesh

19 August 1990

"Ok, I can see the head; just one more push when I say."

The midwife looked up at Jocasta who was silently praying that
this
final push was actually the one which was going to bring her little boy out into the world. What a nine months it had been; after realising that the 'bug' she had picked up in Greece was going on for a bit too long and that her period had never come on its allocated date, Jocasta was shocked but delighted to find that she was pregnant.

Although it had never been her intention to bring back
this
kind of souvenir, actually Jocasta realised that this was what she had been longing for all her life. A little person of her own, a family member; someone who would love her as much as she wanted to be loved and someone whom she could love back.

The next nine months were a time of wonder and amazement, reading books about how the little fellow was growing. Parenting manuals, ante-natal classes, yoga, shopping and decorating the nursery in her two bedroomed flat consumed her time. Jocasta had never been so busy. She went from being a bored, lonely workaholic into a busy workaholic who was soon to never be lonely again.

Watching her body changing was astounding. Every day Jocasta looked at herself in the mirror. She was nothing to look at; she knew that; mousy brown hair always in a ponytail pulled severely off her face. Dark brown eyes under hooded eyebrows which were tirelessly fighting to become one, full nose and thin lips and quite a thick chin, even Jocasta didn't find herself attractive. Her body was much the same as her face; hairy and thick, small where it shouldn't be and large everywhere else. As the months went on her body blossomed, breasts grew and the largeness of her stomach now seemed right as there was a reason for the ever present bump.

"Aaaah, please, please let this be the one." Her fanny actually felt as if it was being pushed off of her body, she wanted to reach down and hold onto it to stop it falling off. "Please, is he coming?"

"Yes, yes, don't worry, his head is coming out, just pant a little bit for me Jocasta, there's a good girl."

"Pant, what do you mean pant?" The notion seemed ridiculous to Jocasta, even though she had heard it in the ante-natal classes the reality of the situation didn't come close and panting was the last thing on this earth that she felt she could do.

"Just little shallow breaths, we don't want him to come out too fast, you're doing really well Jocasta, keep it up."

Well it's not like she could actually stop doing what she was doing was it? This whole scenario seemed as though it was happening to somebody else and Jocasta suddenly found it hilarious bursting out into uncontrolled laughter.

"That's great panting, keep it up," the midwife stated, "Here he comes, one final push."

Suddenly just when Jocasta thought that she was going to be the first woman ever to explode giving birth, there was an immense feeling of release from her vagina, a tidal wave of water and body parts landed on the bed in front of her and then a little mew of sound from her son. Her son, he was here.

The midwife quickly grabbed the baby and put him onto Jocasta's belly, he felt hot and slippery and looked like he had just been daubed in a tub of grease but oh my, here he was, Adrian, a name she found in a book of Greek boys' names and instantly fell in love with.

"Congratulations, he's lovely," smiled the midwife.

"Thank you, yes he is lovely. Thank you."

Adrian was taken away whilst Jocasta was washed and stitched, then helped to sit up so she could give him his first feed. Suddenly there was the sound of a panic alarm and what Jocasta thought must be a doctor ran into the room; going straight to Adrian. Jocasta realised there must be a problem. She felt a large lump rise in her throat and the urge to scream overtook her,

"What's wrong?" she cried, "What's wrong?"

Once again in her life she was being ignored, all eyes were on the small baby lying in the cot. She couldn't see if his chest was rising, he was very quiet but still a nice colour she thought. He couldn't be dead could he? Why wouldn't anyone tell her what was going on? She heard Adrian give a little cry again which appeased her worrying, she knew that he was alive at least, but she didn't think it was normal for a baby to need so much attention from doctors when it was born.

"Please tell me, what the matter is?" she asked once again.

"Your baby has a strangulated testicle," the doctor said to her. "It's causing a problem in his groin area and we need to act fast to stop the problem. Don't worry, once he has had a small operation he will be absolutely fine. We just need your consent to take him away and get it sorted."

A clipboard was shoved under her face and Jocasta signed it without reading it; she wouldn't have been able to take it all in as she was so worried.

"Please make him ok." She said.

"Don't worry, it's a very quick operation, he will be fine."

-x-

Jocasta was so tired from her long labour that even the worry of Adrian's operation couldn't stop her body from shutting down. She lay back, closed her eyes and instantaneously fell asleep. She was awoken by the midwife just an hour later and Jocasta found Adrian was back at her bedside in his plastic crib, dressed in one of the yellow baby grows she had bought him. He wasn't ready to feed yet as they still needed to monitor him after the anaesthetic; she had expressed milk for him which she was asked to put down a tube in his nose. It didn't feel right that she should just be holding a syringe in the air and watching milk flow down a tube into a baby, how was she meant to bond with a syringe?

It was hard for Jocasta to now feel like a mother. She was sore, tired, shocked and worried about Adrian. No book or class had prepared her for this feeling of emptiness now that Adrian had left her womb; she missed his presence there and couldn't equate the bump with the baby. What was she supposed to do now? Who was going to come and tell her how to look after Adrian? When was he supposed to be fed? How did she actually change a nappy when there was a living breathing soul inside it? What if he didn't like her? What if he saw her as the boring, ugly, ignorable person that everyone else in this world seemed to? What had she done? This was not the picture Jocasta had put in her mind for the time after the birth. She had visualised sitting on the hospital bed cooing over her bundle of joy swaddled in his blue blanket and him smiling - wind - up at her. She was going to take him home and put him in his crib and then they would live happily ever after. It was shocking to Jocasta that the reality was a sick baby, an extremely battered body and an overwhelming sense of fear.

-x-

After spending the next two hours waiting for a nurse, midwife
, anyone
, to come and take Adrian away or tell her
what
to do with him; Adrian woke up. He made an almost catlike sound and then his little arms began to stretch out whilst his head went back. Jocasta peered into the crib and saw Adrian's eyes for the first time, they were very dark, colourless, shiny orbs, moving independently of each other; Jocasta thought they were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She reached in and picked him up as she couldn't wait any longer for somebody to tell her what to do. Instinctively bringing him into her body she looked down onto this child she had waited for, for so long. Love engulfed her; she could actually feel its warming presence begin somewhere at the top of her head and start to envelope her. Jocasta opened her eyes as wide as she could so she could drink in the very sight of this child, her child, her son. She couldn't say that he would be beautiful to others, in fact he was downright ugly in a baby sort of way; but he was hers and to her he was precious and beautiful. There was no one else anywhere in the universe that had an interest in looking after this child, no one who would love him like she could, no one who would show him the world and all its delights. Jocasta realised that this was the bond everyone speaks about. It had taken so long to happen that Jocasta was starting to question herself, but now here it was in full force. She never wanted to put Adrian down, never wanted to lose the warmth and the heaviness of his body. He was here, she had done it and she was a mother.

'
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.'

Chinese proverb

5 September 1994

"Adrian it's time to get up; come on." Jocasta stopped dead as she entered Arian's bedroom. He was already out of bed and was studying what looked like the remains of a dead kitten on his bed.

"Adrian, what
are
you doing with that?" she asked him, rushing over to his bed to pull him away from it. The kitten had blood coming from around its mouth and one of its eyes was now lying on the bed, still attached by its vein to the socket. Jocasta held her mouth and tried to avert her eyes so she wouldn't be sick at the sight of it.

"I found it mummy." Adrian told her and reached out for the kitten, she pulled him further back and took him out of the bedroom into the kitchen where she could find a black bag to put the kitten in.

"Where did you find it?" she asked him; Adrian was only four years old and restricted to the outside communal landing for playtime, she couldn't imagine where he could have found a dead cat out there.

"It was in the landing so I brought it in." Adrian told her.

"You found a dead cat outside?" she asked.

"Well he wasn't dead when I found him." Adrian said looking at the floor. Jocasta was confused, how did he find a live kitten in the hallway and then somehow it became dead in his bedroom with its eye hanging out.

"Well what happened Adrian?" she asked, "How did the cat die?"

Adrian did not reply, instead choosing to look at the floor. He would not lift his head and look at Jocasta, she realised he must have done something wrong. Jocasta got onto her knees so that their faces were level and took his chin in her hand, lifting his face so that he had to make eye contact with her; even in these shocking circumstances she couldn't help but feel her heart melt as she looked into his beautiful eyes.

"Adrian, mummy is not going to be cross but you need to tell me what happened ok?"

Adrian started to sob, "I'm sorry mummy, I didn't mean it; I just wanted to play with it."

He reached out his arms for her and her heart melted even more; she took him into her embrace and held him for a short while. Jocasta believed that Adrian must have had an accident with the kitten whilst he was trying to play. It was her fault for never having introduced him to animals before and showing him how to be gentle with them. Jocasta chided herself for not being a better parent. She brought Adrian out of her embrace to face him again.

"Look Adrian, it doesn't matter, it was a mistake. But you mustn't bring animals into the house ok?"

"Yes mummy."

"And you must always be gentle with them ok?"

"Yes mummy."

"Now how about I take you to the farm on Saturday?" Jocasta asked. Adrian's face lit up and he said, "Yeah."

"Ok now go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, it's your first day at school today and we don't want to be late."

"Ok mummy." Adrian said and skipped off to the bathroom. Jocasta retrieved a black bag from under the kitchen sink and went back into the bedroom to dispose of the kitten. On closer inspection the kitten's neck looked far too long for its body as it if had been stretched. How the eye had come out of its socket was a mystery to Jocasta but she supposed that Adrian must have cuddled the cat just a little bit too tightly and suffocated it. Jocasta hoped that this episode would not have a detrimental effect on Adrian; she felt terrible for him and worried that he may have nightmares about the poor kitten. She knew now that she couldn't allow Adrian to play outside of the flat away from her again, even on the landing; it just caused too many problems. Jocasta decided the best thing to do would be to pretend it had never happened, Adrian would have forgotten all about it by the time he came home from school; she was more worried how he would cope with a day away from her.

Jocasta put the kitten in with the household rubbish and when they left for school she went to the rubbish chute and tipped the bag inside. She heard the next door neighbour calling, "Here kitty, kitty." And realised that he must have purchased the kitten recently; holding down her guilt and determined to keep her mouth shut about the whole episode, Jocasta grasped Adrian's hand and they began to make their journey to his new school.

-x-

Jocasta's heart felt very heavy as she stood in Elisworth Town School's playground. This was Adrian's first day at school, first day ever of being away from his mother and first day really of the rest of his life.

After having Adrian, Jocasta's plans to return to work were scuppered by her inability to leave the child alone. He consumed her very being and was her reason for waking up each morning. Where work had been her only companion, Adrian had taken over any wants that Jocasta had.

She didn't need anything else in her life, indeed for the first week she had actually forgotten to eat anything. It was only when the health visitor came for her final visit to sign Jocasta and Adrian off as fit, that the health visitor noted Jocasta's pallor and asked her if she had been eating. The realisation that if she didn't eat and keep herself well then her baby would suffer too, spurred Jocasta into taking better care of herself.

Since then she had done nothing but what was right for Adrian and made sure that she was fit and healthy enough to look after him; a happy coincidence of this was that Jocasta now had the figure of a woman instead of a lumpy potato. Not that anyone noticed; it hadn't changed her invisibility where every other human on this planet was concerned.

-x-

As Jocasta stood in the playground she took in her surroundings. The grounds were that of a typical primary school with tricycles and hula hoops dotted about on the rubber coated tarmac. There were mums and dads standing with their children, all waiting for the start of their first day at school. It was obvious to Jocasta that a lot of the parents were familiar with each other as they were chatting amiably together, comfortable in each other's company. She could hear snippets of conversation where they all talked about how their summers had been, children largely ignored as they hung off their parents or ran around with each other. It was also sadly obvious to Jocasta that
she
was the subject of many conversations.

"Look at the state of her." One dark haired woman said to her anorexic friend. The friend nodded and added, "Fuck her, it's the kid; look at it, hit every branch of the ugly tree that one."

"Yeah," laughed the dark haired woman, "When he was born the doctor gave
her
a slap." Both fell about laughing, before moving onto their next victim. Jocasta took a deep breath and stroked Adrian's head. He seemed oblivious to their comments so she decided not to take it any further.

She knew that Adrian was unlike the other children. He was still beautiful to her but he was unlike the other cute and angelic children who played so care free around her. Unfortunately he had taken on the worst parts of both Jocasta and Avram alike; he had dark bristly hair which stood in unruly curls. A very thick monobrow which sat over hooded dirty blue eyes and one of his top teeth stuck out in the same peculiar way as his father's had. He was also extremely skinny, which made his feet seem much larger than they were. Jocasta looked down on him and stroked his hair, a lump forming in her throat at the thought of having to leave him at the classroom door.

A loud alarm signalled the start of the school day and the classroom doors opened. All the children were encouraged by the teacher to form a line outside the classroom door. Adrian had been standing silently beside his mother until this moment, unsure of where he was and what was going to happen. Jocasta
had
told him about school and that he was going to meet new friends and learn about the world. She manoeuvred him into the line and stood back in the throng of parents surrounding the line of children.

A piercing scream cut through the melee of jostling school children. Two small hands reached for Jocasta's trouser leg and she looked down to find the scream was coming from Adrian. Fat tears streamed from his eyes, "Mummy no." he cried, "No, I don't want to go, mummy don't leave me." The scream turned into a cry with much gasping for air, causing Adrian's head to jerk back in an alarming manner. Snot streamed from his nose and Jocasta had never felt more helpless.

She had put this off for a year already, choosing not to send Adrian to nursery as it wasn't the law and she wanted to keep him to herself for another year. It had not occurred to her that to send him to nursery was to gently break him into the routine of school life and would help him fit in at 'big school'. No, Jocasta was not going to give up her time with her son that easily, she could not and would not cut any cords with Adrian until she had to, he was hers and she was going to keep him to herself for as long as she possibly could.

"Just leave him with me, he will be fine." A large hand appeared on Adrian's shoulder; Jocasta looked up to see a male who was looking at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. He was dressed all in brown, comfortable clothing which had never seen an iron. He had brown scruffy hair which looked as if he ran his hands through it constantly. The male did that now as he addressed Jocasta, "I'm Mr Martin, his teacher, don't worry it is always hard for them at first but by Christmas they are all skipping in quite happily."

"I can't just leave him here when he's being like this, he needs me." Jocasta's attempt to take control of the situation was falling on deaf ears.

"No it's fine; there are always a couple of kids who can't cope at first." He gestured towards the door where another young boy was holding on to his mother's skirt whilst she was pushing him gently through the door into the arms of the waiting teacher.

"Honestly, he will be fine. If you want, you can call us in an hour and we will let you know how he's getting on. The number is on his entry letter." Mr Martin took hold of Adrian and gently unclenched Adrian's fists from Jocasta's trousers.

Jocasta didn't know what she could do to help Adrian. It felt as though she was throwing him to the wolves, not taking him to school. She just wanted to pick him up and run away from this place as fast as she possibly could and it was all she could do not to go with her instincts. Feeling emotion bubbling up inside her Jocasta turned away from Adrian and Mr Martin and walked stiffly to the school gates, Adrian's cries echoing in her ears. She could not look back as she knew to see his anguished face again would make her act on her emotions.

With a choking cry she set off for home, ignoring the looks she got from other mothers and trying not to listen to the barely concealed whispers.

"What an ugly child, did you see all that snot; disgusting."

"His mother's no better, hairy witch"

"Fucking weirdos if you ask me."

"There's always one nutter wherever you go."

"Yeah well I'm telling my Billy to keep away from him."

Biting down on her urge to shout at the parents to fuck right off, Jocasta turned and left the playground, the insults ringing in her ears.

The last four years of Jocasta and Adrian's lives had been safe, innocuous, protected and joyful. Just the two of them together, loving each other and enjoying each other's company. Their world was now being torn apart for the sake of education. Jocasta felt as though Adrian had been ripped from her arms and cast into a world which was callous and unforgiving. They wouldn't understand what a wonderful child he was, they wouldn't see him as she did. All they would see was his face, which to them was ugly and didn't conform to their idea of perfect. To her he was beautiful, to them he was ugly. To her he was angelic; to them he was a daemon by virtue of his looks. Never would they look past his face to find the beauty inside, he would be tormented and challenged all his life because his face didn't fit.

"No." Jocasta shouted into the air, but continued to walk home just the same; there was nothing she could do about the law. She let herself into her flat, ran to the kitchen, grabbed a packet of chocolate biscuits and sat on the once immaculate sofa in her front room, chomping one biscuit after the other, barely tasting them in her haste to shove them down her gullet. She heard the next door neighbour in the corridor once again calling for his kitten which just made her feel even worse, for Adrian, who must surely be suffering from his terrible experience that morning. Looking at the clock she sat quietly eating and she waited until the time her beloved son could be saved from his wretched day.