More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (70 page)

UNICORN.
A hypothetical woman who is willing to be involved with both members of an existing couple, to have no relationships other than with the members of the couple, to not be sexually involved with one member of the couple unless the other member of the couple is also there, and usually to move in with the couple.

VEE.
A polyamorous arrangement involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. Vees may also be part of a larger romantic network.

VETO.
A relationship agreement, most common in prescriptive primary/secondary relationships, which gives one person the power to end another person's additional relationships, or in some cases to disallow some specific activity.

WIBBLE, WIBBLY (BRITISH).
A feeling of insecurity, typically temporary or fleeting, when seeing a partner being affectionate with someone else. Sometimes used to describe minor pangs of jealousy.

NOTES

2   THE MANY FORMS OF LOVE

   
Statistics
Barry W. McCarthy and Maria Thestrup, "Couple Therapy and the Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction," in
Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy,
4th ed., ed. Alan S. Gurman, 591–617 (New York: Guilford Press, 2009), 593.

   
Celibacy
Kinsey Institute, "Frequency of Sex,"
Frequently Asked Sexuality Questions to the Kinsey Institute,
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency (last updated July 21, 2012; accessed November 12, 2013).

9   BOUNDARIES

   
"Tests" a predator gives
Gavin de Becker,
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
(New York: Dell, 1998).

10   RULES AND AGREEMENTS

   
An inverse relationship to trust
Andrea Zanin, "The Problem with Polynormativity," Sex Geek [Blog] (January 24, 2013), http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity.

12   VETO ARRANGEMENTS

   
Starting the feedback
Mistress Matisse, "Poly Power of Veto," Control Tower [Column],
The Stranger
(September 13, 2007), http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/control-tower-and-kink-calendar/Content?oid=316814.

14    PRACTICAL POLY AGREEMENTS

   
Novel situations
See, for example, Timothy D. Wilson and Daniel T. Gilbert, "Affective Forecasting,"
Advances in Experimental Social Psychology
35 (2003): 345–411.

   
I will limit you
Zanin, "Problem with Polynormativity."

15   HOW POLY RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFERENT

   
Phenylethylamine
H. Sabelli and J. Javaid, "Phenylethylamine Modulation of Affect: Therapeutic and Diagnostic Implications,"
Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience
7 (1995): 6–14; D. Marazziti and D. Canale, "Hormonal Changes When Falling in Love,"
Psychoneuroendocrinology
29 (2004): 931–36.

   
Limerence
Dorothy Tennov,
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love,
2nd ed. (Lanham, MD: Scarborough House, 1998).

   
Long-term outcomes for kids
Elisabeth Sheff,
The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families
(Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013).

   
Parental shaming
Sheryl Sandberg,
Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead
(New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2013): 134–39.

   
Guilt management
Ibid., 137.

16   IN THE MIDDLE

   
Ping-pong poly
Ferret Steinmetz, "Failure Patterns in Poly: The Ping-Pong Partner," The Ferret [blog] (December 16, 2013), http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/2013/12/failure-patterns-in-poly-the-ping-pong-partner.

   
Monkeys and cucumbers
Frans de Waal (Director),
Moral Behavior in Animals
(TEDxPeachtree, Atlanta, GA, November 2011), video, http://www.ted.com/talks/frans_de_waal_do_animals_have_morals.

17   OPENING FROM A COUPLE

   
Swinging chapter
Dan Savage,
Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America
(New York: Penguin, 2003).

18   MONO/POLY RELATIONSHIPS

   
Column on cowboys
Mistress Matisse, "Cowboys and Injuries: When Monogamists Pursue the Polyamorous," Control Tower [Column],
The Stranger
(July 29, 2010), http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/control-tower/Content?oid=4555764.

19   SEX AND LAUNDRY

   
Survey
Kinsey Institute, "Frequency of Sex," see
note
.

20   SEXUAL HEALTH
All online sources in this list and the chart sources, unless otherwise indicated, were accessed March 2014.

   
Several studies
See, for example, L. J. Bauman and R. Berman, "Adolescent Relationships and Condom Use: Trust, Love and Commitment,"
AIDS and Behavior
9, no. 2 (2005): 211–22; W. Glauser, "How to Talk to Patients about STI Screening,"
Medical Post
47, no. 7 (2011): 24; and M. P. Bolton, A. McKay, and M. Schneider, "Relational Influences on Condom Use Discontinuation: A Qualitative Study of Young Adult Women in Dating Relationships,"
Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality
19, no. 3 (2010): 91–104.

   
Risk of STI infection
T. D. Conley et al., "Unfaithful Individuals Are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals,"
Journal of Sexual Medicine
9 (2012): 1559–65.

   
Antiretroviral drugs
Jared M. Baeten et al., "Antiretroviral Prophylaxis for HIV Prevention in Heterosexual Men and Women,"
New England Journal of Medicine
367 (2012): 399–410; Robert M. Grant et al., "Preexposure Chemoprophylaxis for HIV Prevention in Men Who Have Sex with Men,"
New England Journal of Medicine (
2010): 363: 2587–99.

   
Effectiveness of barriers
L. E. Manhart and L. A. Koutsky, "Do Condoms Prevent Genital HPV Infection, External Genital Warts, or Cervical Neoplasia? A Meta-analysis,"
Sexually Transmitted Diseases 29
(2002): 725–35; Emily T. Martin et al., "A Pooled Analysis of the Effect of Condoms in Preventing HSV-2 Acquisition,"
Archives of Internal Medicine
169, no. 13 (July 13, 2009): 1233–40.

   
Assessment of risk
W. M. Klein and Z. Kunda, "Exaggerated Self-Assessments and the Preference for Controllable Risks,"
Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes
59 (1994): 410–27.

   
Win the lottery
Mike Orkin,
Can You Win? The Real Odds for Casino Gambling, Sports Betting and Lotteries
(New York: W. H. Freeman & Co., 1991).

   
Perception of risk
Mehdi Moussaïd, "Opinion Formation and the Collective Dynamics of Risk Perception,"
PLOS ONE
8, no. 12 (December 30, 2013): e84592, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0084592.

   
No direct benefit
Paul Slovic and Ellen Peters, "Risk Perception and Affect,"
Current Directions in Psychological Science
15 (2006): 322.

   
Herpes 1
Richard P. Usatine and Rochelle Tinitigan, "Nongenital Herpes Simplex Virus,"
American Family Physician
82, no. 9 (November 1, 2010): 1075–82.

   
Have herpes themselves
L. Newson, "Clinical: The Basics—Herpes Infections,"
GP
, 34 (June 19, 2009), http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA202043631&v=2.1&u=ubcolumbia&it=r&p=HRCA&sw=w&asid=7083d653cc68ce0be1722e49d0f622fa; R. Gupta, T. Warren, and A. Wald, "Genital Herpes,"
Lancet
307 (2007): 2127–37; "An estimated 13.6% of Canadians (2.9 million) tested positive for HSV-2"; "Among those who tested positive for HSV-2, 6% reported having been diagnosed with the infection; 94% were unaware that they were infected." M. Rotermann et al., "Prevalence of Chlamydia Trachomatis and Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2: Results from the 2009 to 2011 Canadian Health Measures Survey,"
Health Reports
24, no. 4 (April 2013): 13, 12. http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/82-003-x/2013004/article/11777-eng.pdf.

   
Herpes statistics
H. A. Beydoun et al., "Socio-demographic and Behavioral Correlates of Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and 2 Infections and Co-infections Among Adults in the USA,"
International Journal of Infectious Diseases
14S (2010): 154–60, doi:10.1016/j.ijid.2009.12.007; M. Gilbert, et al., "Using Centralized Laboratory Data to Monitor Trends in Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and 2 Infection in British Columbia and the Changing Etiology of Genital Herpes,"
Canadian Journal of Public Health
102, no. 3 (2011): 225–29.

   
Possible consequences
The United States has more than 10 million car crashes each year, killing more than 30,000 people. Your lifetime odds of dying in a car crash in the United States are 1 in 108. If HSV and HPV are included, most people will encounter an STI in their lifetime, but very few of those will suffer serious, let alone fatal, consequences. For example, although about 80 percent of unvaccinated people will have an HPV infection in their lifetimes, only 1 in 435 women will die of cervical cancer—and other avoidable risk factors, such as smoking and failing to have Pap tests, also affect that number. Car crash statistics: National Safety Council, "Lifetime Odds of Death for Selected Causes, United States, 2009a,"
Injury Facts
(2013), http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/injury_and_death_statistics/Documents/Injury_Facts_43.pdf.; Deaths from cervical cancer: American Cancer Society, Cancer.org, "Lifetime Risk of Developing or Dying from Cancer," http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancerbasics/lifetime-probability-of-developing-or-dying-from-cancer (last updated September 5, 2013).

   
Subpopulations at greater risk
U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (hereafter CDC), "Estimated Lifetime Risk for Diagnosis of HIV Infection Among Hispanics/Latinos—37 States and Puerto Rico, 2007,"
Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report
59, no. 40 (October 15, 2010): 1297–1301, http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5940a2.htm.

   
Men who have sex with men
CDC, "Trends in HIV/AIDS Diagnoses Among Men Who Have Sex with Men—33 States, 2001–2006,"
Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report
57, no. 25 (June 27, 2008): 681–86.

   
Chlamydia statistics
CDC, "Chlamydia—CDC Fact Sheet," http://www.cdc.gov/std/Chlamydia/STDFact-Chlamydia.htm (last updated March 13, 2014); CDC, "2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance: Chlamydia," http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/chlamydia.htm (last updated January 7, 2014.

   
Chlamydia transmssion
U.K. National Health Service, "Chlamydia—Symptoms," http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Chlamydia/Pages/Symptoms.aspx (last updated August 28, 2013).

   
Treatment of partners
H. Hunter Handsfield et al.,
Expedited Partner Therapy in the Management of Sexually Transmitted Diseases
(Atlanta, GA: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2006).

   
Gonorrhea strains
CDC, "Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs): Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Basic Information," http://www.cdc.gov/std/Gonorrhea/arg/basic.htm (last updated November 18, 2013).

   
Syphilis transmission
K. Eccleston, L. Collins, and S. P. Higgins, "Primary Syphilis,"
International Journal of STD & AIDS
19, no. 3 (March 2008): 145–51, doi:10.1258/ijsa.2007.007258; C. A. Koss, E. F. Dunne, and L. Warner, "A Systematic Review of Epidemiologic Studies Assessing Condom Use and Risk of Syphilis,"
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
36, no. 7 (July 2009): 401–5, doi:10.1097/OLQ.0b013e3181a396eb.

   
HIV statistics
Public Health Agency of Canada, "Summary: Estimates of HIV Prevalence and Incidence in Canada, 2011" (2012), http://webqa.phac-aspc.gc.ca/aids-sida/publication/survreport/estimat2011-eng.php.

   
HIV transmission
Canadian AIDS Society,
HIV Transmission: Factors that Affect Biological Risk
(2013); Richard Crosby and Sarah Bounse, "Condom Effectiveness: Where Are We Now?"
Sexual Health
9, no. 1 (2012): 10–17, http://dx.doi.org/10.1071/SH11036; S. C. Weller and K. Davis-Beaty, "Condom Effectiveness in Reducing Heterosexual HIV Transmission (Review),"
Cochrane Collaboration
4 (2007): 1–22,

   http://www.cdnaids.ca/home.nsf/ad7c054e653c96438525721a0050fd60/4d4cf16b70a7247f0525732500678839/$FILE/HIV_Transmission_Factors_that_Affect_Biological_Risk.pdf.

   
Hepatitis C
CDC, "Viral Hepatitis" http://www.cdc.gov/Hepatitis (last updated March 20, 2014).

   
Herpes statistics
Fujie Xu et al., "Trends in Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and Type 2 Seroprevalence in the United States,"
JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association
296, no. 8 (2006): 964–73, doi:10.1001/jama.296.8.964; Fujie Xu et al., "Seroprevalence of Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 Among Persons Aged 14–49 Years—United States, 2005–2008,"
Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report
59, no. 15 (April 23, 2010): 456–59.

   
Herpes transmission
American College of Nurse-Midwives, "Genital Herpes,"
Journal of Midwifery & Women's Health
58, no. 5 (2013): 597–98, doi:10.1111/jmwh.12062.

   
HPV exposure
Public Health Agency of Canada, "Human Papillomavirus (HPV)," http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/hpv-vph/fact-faits-eng.php (last updated June 7, 2012); National Cancer Institute, "Understanding Cancer Series: HPV," http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/understandingcancer/HPV-vaccine/AllPages.