More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (53 page)

That sounds perfectly rational, but sex is rarely entirely rational. It's okay for unbarriered sex to be connected with feelings of intimacy. Being open to fluid bonding is sometimes a sign that a relationship has grown to the point where the intimacy is worth whatever risks might be associated with forgoing barriers.

Because fluid bonding is emotionally significant, it's useful to talk about an "exit strategy" with someone you're thinking about having unbarriered sex with. Under what circumstances will you continue having unbarriered sex, and under what circumstances will you go back to using barriers? What does having unbarriered sex mean to each of you—not just in practical terms like risk levels, but emotionally? If you choose to stop having unbarriered sex, what will that mean for your intimacy? What measures are you willing to take to protect being fluid-bonded? Often it can feel like a punishment if a partner decides to resume barrier use. Knowing the answers to these questions in advance can help avoid hurt feelings if the exit strategy is invoked.

Not everyone wants or values unprotected sex. Many people, especially people who identify as solo poly, prefer to maintain safer-sex practices with all their partners. This way, they can protect themselves without relying on their partners to inform them of changes to their sexual status, and they feel more free to make their own choices about sexual activity and sexual health.

PREGNANCY, THE OTHER RISK

Conversations about safer sex usually revolve around mitigating the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and it's surprising how many polyamorous people don't talk about pregnancy. It is a fact of nature often unacknowledged that when fertile heterosexual people have PIV sex, pregnancy sometimes results. Even, occasionally, when using contraception. It pays to talk about pregnancy risks and contingencies. What happens if someone accidentally becomes pregnant? By whom? Consider each possible combination. What are your expectations and contingencies concerning pregnancy and child-rearing?

In monogamous relationships, when one person says to another, "Honey, I think I might be pregnant," that usually starts a discussion. In poly relationships, "I think I might be pregnant" sometimes leads to incredulity, as if basic biology doesn't apply to polyamory. Especially, it seems, in hierarchical relationships with a secondary partner. Rather than being a statistically malleable consequence of a penis entering a vagina, pregnancy is sometimes treated as a betrayal, or a violation of the rules, or occasionally even an act of malice. Don't do this.

Talk beforehand about what you'll do about an unplanned pregnancy. There are a lot of divergent options. Will you abort? We've seen people in primary/secondary hierarchies start with the premise that if one of the primary partners gets pregnant, the other primary partner will be assumed to be the father, and they will raise the child accordingly. We've seen live-in relationships whose members have decided that in the event of pregnancy, all the men will have parenting duties. In other relationships, the woman will get a paternity test to determine the biological father.

Some poly partners who don't live together discuss raising the child in separate households with joint custody. Others say in the event of pregnancy, they will move in together. Be careful, though; in prescriptive primary/secondary relationships, this agreement can collide with rules that prohibit cohabitating with secondary partners! Any prescriptive hierarchy needs to have groundwork in place in the event of an unplanned pregnancy.

The contingency plans had better be more robust than "I won't let this happen." For if slippery bits are touching, it's always a possibility. If you use
two
birth control methods together, such as an IUD (one of the most effective methods) and condoms, the risk becomes very tiny. But very tiny is not zero. A friend of Franklin's once got pregnant—with triplets!—even though she was using an IUD
and
her boyfriend was using condoms. It happens. "I promise it won't" is about as realistic as promising it won't rain on your birthday.

Something not to try to legislate in advance is that any future partner will be required to have an abortion or won't be permitted to have an abortion. We don't believe a woman can be forced to carry to term or terminate a pregnancy. We also realize that this is an emotionally charged topic that many people have strong feelings about. If you don't agree with us, talk to any new partner about your expectations
before
tab A enters slot B.

No matter what discussions you have, you're probably going to feel some pretty strong emotions if pregnancy occurs. That's normal. Pregnancy is a big deal and likely to be disruptive for everyone. Talk about it before it happens. Give yourselves time to process your feelings, then talk some more. Please don't postpone the discussion until too late. For more about these issues, how to have these conversations, and how to prepare to start a poly family with kids, see Jessica Burde's book
The Polyamory on Purpose Guide to Poly and Pregnancy,
listed in the resources.

NONSEXUAL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

We tend to assume that sex is part of any romantic relationship, but some
asexual
people want intimate relationships without sex.
Demisexuals
want little. It's also very common for sexual desire to decline (or disappear) in long-term relationships. As with every element of polyamory, sex should not be assumed: it requires negotiation. Emotional closeness, support, love, touch and cuddling can all exist independent of sex. For many asexual people, polyamory offers an opportunity for romantic relationships without feeling obligated to provide for a partner's sexual needs.

Not desiring sex does not mean being frigid, cold or distant. Nonsexual relationships can be physically affectionate and warm. Romantic relationships without sex are not "merely" friendships. They can and do include passionate emotional intimacy, living together, shared goals and dreams, and lifelong plans.

Every comedian's repertoire has jokes about sexless married couples. They're not terribly funny, but they're sure to get a laugh. The loss of excitement in the familiar scares poly newbies and veterans alike. "What if my partner finds someone who she's hotter for than boring old me? How can I compete with all the frantic sex of a new relationship?" The answer is, you probably can't. This is normal, and it's not about you. So stop worrying. The newness of the new person will wear off too.

According to the U.S. National Health and Social Life
Survey
, about 15 percent of all married men and women reported having sex never or just a few times in the past year. We would all benefit from letting go of the idea that a relationship "has to" involve sex, or that there's a right amount of sex that romantic partners "should" have, and instead allowing relationships to be what they are, without pressure or expectation.

SHARING SEX

Not everyone is into group sex, and not all poly relationships include it. In fact, popular perceptions (and the Showtime
Polyamory
series) aside, group sex is more the exception than the norm among poly people. For those to whom it appeals, though, it can be great fun and great bonding, and the possibility of group sex with multiple people you love can be one of the big perks of polyamory.

If you've never had group sex before, it can trigger unexpected responses. You might imagine that you can avoid jealousy by controlling what your partner does with the other people, but sex tends to be a dynamic, messy, complicated business, and you won't be able to script the entire encounter. You can, however, establish general guidelines and boundaries in advance. For example, you might want to require barriers (and define what that means) all around, or take certain activities off the table. These kinds of boundaries usually work best when they're kept general (common ones are things like "No penetration" or "No male-male genital contact"), with an expectation of talk and negotiation throughout the encounter. With that in mind, make sure that in your first experience with group sex—or anyone's first experience together—judgment and communication are not overly impaired by alcohol or other substances.

This should go without saying, but everyone should have input about what goes on. Going into group sex thinking that it's all about you, or perhaps all about one couple, rather than a shared experience for everyone, is likely to lead to trouble. Don't do it if you feel bullied or pressured, and don't bully or pressure others into it. This, too, should go without saying.

It is normal for unexpected feelings to happen. When they do, step back, take a deep breath, and remember that your emotions don't have to be in the driver's seat. If you feel an unexpected negative emotion, say so calmly and clearly. Be willing to set boundaries, without having a temper tantrum. If something isn't working for someone else, change what you're doing—even if it's something you were really into. Remember, it's only by playing nicely that you get to play again!

It's better to end feeling that there is more you wanted to do than that you went too far. You might discover that group sex isn't for you. That's okay. Being poly doesn't mean you
have
to like threesomes or orgies. If you do, though, polyamory can offer the chance for all sorts of fun. For those who like it, group sex is a rewarding, amazing, intimate bonding experience. It isn't the exclusive domain of people who are bisexual or pansexual. A shared sexual experience does not have to involve every combination of people, unless all want it to. (For example, Franklin is straight; when he has group sex involving other men, he does not have sexual contact with them.) It can be two (or more) people focusing on one (or more) person in rotation…and boy, is it fun to be the one in the middle!

It can involve trading off attention, where one person alternates back and forth between two or more lovers. It's nice, and very connecting, when the person who's doing the alternating maintains contact with all of her lovers, even if it's just a hand resting on one person's shoulder while her attention is focused on another. As one poly fan of group sex says, "Group lovemaking can turn into an amazing thing, awash with amplifying feedback waves of different feelings going in complex directions that aren't really predictable. Getting good at surfing those waves, and sculpting them into something grand among your dearest lovers—there's just nothing like it."

EXPECTATIONS OF GROUP SEX

Some people try to mandate group sex, creating rules that if one member of an established couple takes a new partner, she is not allowed to have sex with the new person unless the other member of the couple is there—watching, if not involved. This is often meant to prevent sexual jealousy by keeping sexual access available to everyone. This looks good on paper but doesn't work well in practice, because usually jealousy isn't about allocation of resources; it's about insecurity, self-doubt, and feelings of unworthiness or fear. It's possible to be in the middle of a threesome and still feel sexual jealousy. Simply having sexual access to your partner's lover doesn't make jealousy go away. And to assume that if someone likes one person she should be sexually available to that person's partner comes across as very, very creepy. Which is part of why couples who take this approach find it so difficult to find partners.

BRUCE'S STORY
Many years ago, Bruce and his wife, Megan, decided to try polyamory. Since they didn't have experience with it, they thought dating together would be a good way to avoid jealousy. After years of searching, they finally hit the jackpot: an attractive, sexually alluring bisexual woman, Alicia, who agreed to date both of them.

The celebration didn't last long. Even though Bruce and Megan were both having sex with Alicia at the same time, jealousy still flared up whenever she seemed to be enjoying attention from one of them more than the other, or if she seemed to be paying more attention to one than the other. Even the normal ebb and flow of attention was enough to create jealousy.

At first they tried making rules that restricted her even more. The jealousy problems got worse. Before long, it became almost impossible for any two of them to pay attention to each other without the third person feeling jealous, even when all three were together. Needless to say, the relationship didn't survive.

Some people are happy to date and/or have sex with a couple. Such folks are thin on the ground, though, and even if a couple finds one, they may be surprised to discover feelings of jealousy and threat. As we have said many times, attempting to regulate the form a relationship may take is no substitute for dealing with things like insecurity and low self-confidence, and dealing with these things benefits any relationship, regardless of its form.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

When you have multiple sex partners, everyone needs to be clear with regard to sexual boundaries and expectations. Here are some questions to help get you there: