More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (39 page)

We urge those of you considering written agreements to draw up short, specific lists of boundaries or intentions, rather than than long, complex documents that tell others what they are and aren't allowed to do. Ultimately, remember that your relationship belongs to the living, feeling people involved in it, not a list of rules. Make sure that
people
, not pieces of paper, are always at the center of your relationships.

DROP THE PERMISSION MODEL

A factor that often portends failure of a rule is whether it's linked to a "permission model" of relationships. This is the idea that when we enter a relationship, we give up control over our actions to our partner. If we wish to do things like enter into another relationship, visit another partner or take a new lover, we must seek the permission of our existing partner. As soon as we start a relationship with someone, that person becomes the gatekeeper to all our future relationships.

In our experience, relationships that provide everyone in them the most happiness follow a different model. The people who seem happiest in relationships start with the premise "I can have the kind of relationship I want. I can make choices I want to. My best course of action is to learn to choose people who want something similar, to take responsibility for the consequences of my choices, and to pay attention to the effects my choices have on the people around me."

When evaluating agreements or structures, look also to the language built into them. Watch for the slippery words we talked about in the communication chapters.
Respect
is one of those words. You can hardly argue with it; when faced with a provision that says, "You must treat me and my other partners with respect," few would say, "Well, you know, I think I'd rather be disrespectful." Most people will agree to such a provision without a second thought. But what, exactly, does
respect
mean? If respect means "be subordinate to," it creates a very different relationship dynamic than if
respect
means "take seriously and treat with compassion."

The best agreements are not ones that steer people away from bad things, but rather ones that point us toward good things. We both subscribe to the radical idea that the best way to create security in a relationship is to create happiness: the people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. To that end, when you make agreements, look for the ones that move in the direction of greatest happiness. Franklin's partner Sylvia likes to say her primary relationship rule is "If I am not a positive aspect of your life, I don't want to be in your life, and vice versa." While it sounds simple, that approach to relationship requires courage—especially the courage to know that you can lose a relationship that does not make you happy, and that's okay.

GAME CHANGERS

When we open our hearts to multiple relationships, every now and then someone comes along who changes everything. This is one of the truths of polyamory rarely talked about:
the game changer.

A game changer is a relationship that causes us to rethink all our relationships, and maybe even our lives, entirely. It may be a relationship with someone who fits with us so naturally that the person raises the bar on what we want and need from other relationships. It may be a connection so profound that it causes us to look at our lives in a new way. It's a relationship that alters the landscape of life. A game changer doesn't even have to be a good relationship. It can be one that's dysfunctional on such a deep level that it changes what we look for thereafter.

A game-changing relationship is invariably disruptive. It makes us see things in a new light. It opens us to new ways of thinking, or perhaps answers needs we didn't know we had (or didn't think could be met). Because of that, game-changing relationships are scary. Indeed, they are arguably one of the scariest things that can happen in poly relationships.

Many rules in poly relationships can be seen as ways to control the fear of a game changer. Franklin has experienced not one but two game-changing relationships, both of which substantially rearranged his life. Given how scary and disruptive game changers are, many people try to set up barriers to prevent them, erecting fortifications to protect their lives and hearts from disruption. In practice, this is often about as effective as building a tornado shelter from straw. Love is a powerful thing. Sometimes it transforms us.

Not only are structures designed to prevent game-changing relationships unlikely to work, it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing if they did. Change is scary, but that doesn't make it bad. There is nothing noble in trying to preserve the status quo from things that can make our lives better.

Unfortunately, when a game changer happens to someone who's already in a relationship, it tends to concentrate the wonderfulness in one place but spread the disruption around. So when your partner starts new relationships, you may feel compelled to seek reassurances that things won't change for you, at least in ways you don't like. It can feel very reassuring to extract a pledge from your partner that you will always have some measure of control. Good luck with that.

Game changers change things. It's in the name. They upset existing arrangements. People confronted with a game-changing relationship will not be likely to remain happy with old rules and agreements for long; the definition of a game-changing relationship is that it reshuffles priorities. Expecting an agreement to protect you from a game changer is a bit like expecting a river to obey a law against flooding.

Being a parent is not a protection against game changers. In chapter 13 we told the story of Clara and Elijah, a married couple with children who separated after Clara's game-changing relationship with Ramon. Of game changers, Clara says, "You realize what's really important to you in a relationship and re-evaluate what you have." She doesn't regret the decisions she's made, despite the changes they've caused to her co-parenting relationship.

Game changers are not just a poly thing: they happen in monogamous relationships all the time. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce, and game-changing affairs are one major reason. Sometimes, game-changing events have nothing to do with romantic relationships. A promotion, a baby, a car accident, a job loss, a death in the family—all these can permanently and irrevocably alter our lives, and our relationships, in ways we can't predict. We accept the reality of game changers all the time when they don't come in the form of romantic relationships, as happened in Eve's life.

EVE'S STORY
Arguably the biggest game changer in my marriage was my mother-in-law. In 2008 she had a massive stroke that paralyzed her on one side. In just a few minutes, this active, healthy, youthful sixty-seven-year-old woman became completely dependent on round-the-clock care. That stroke represented a seismic shift in my marriage, dictating our priorities, budget and travel schedules for years. Peter made the ten-hour round trip over the mountains to visit her and his father every two to four weeks for years. In 2012 he went to live with his parents for over eight months, to assist his father, who was facing burnout.

Few would fault him. Elder care is accepted as something that often is a game changer. And yet it resulted in significant strain on our lives and our relationship.

We understand that no promise of "forever" can stand up to the #39 bus with bad brakes that puts someone in a coma. These are the risks we take when we open our hearts to someone else. Sometimes things really change. Relationships take courage.

Still, polyamory complicates the emotional calculus in new ways. Relationship game changers feel more frightening than other kinds. Whether it's insecurities that whisper that others are prettier, smarter and more deserving; or the social fable that romantic love connects us to only one person at a time; or the idea that every new connection our partner makes takes away our specialness (as though specialness were a currency sitting in a bank account somewhere, available in limited quantities, with substantial penalties for early withdrawal)—relationships seem uniquely able to push our buttons.

The desire not to lose what you have because your partner meets someone new is rational and reasonable. What is neither rational nor reasonable, though, is attempting to build structures that allow your partner to have other relationships while guaranteeing that nothing will change for you. Relationships don't work that way. We live in a world with no guarantees.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
I spent my first five or six years of non-monogamous relationships trying very hard to create a system of rules that would guarantee I always felt safe and in control. When I didn't feel safe, it seemed like I hadn't found quite the right rules. So I returned to the rules, tinkering with them, adding exceptions and new clauses, searching for just the right combination that would protect me from changes I did not want to face.

In the end, this strategy didn't work. When the first game-changing relationship came along, neither I nor Celeste were prepared for it. I met Amber, who is still my partner as I write this. She tried very hard to fit herself into the space we'd carved out for her with our rules, and something profound happened. For the first time, I was able to see how contorting herself to fit into the space left by our fears and our desire for safety hurt her. As soon as I saw that, the relationship became a game changer.

Had we been more flexible, or had Celeste and I been more open to the possibility that parts of our relationship could change
and we'd still be okay,
I might have been able to accommodate the new relationship in a way that allowed me to strengthen my bond with Celeste, and my life would look very different now.

That's the funny thing about fear of change. Sometimes the more rigid we are when we insist that we do not want our lives to change, the more catastrophically things break when change comes along. I handled my own game-changing relationship poorly. Rather than facing down my fears, having the courage to accept change and the flexibility to adapt to it gracefully, I had become so invested in the idea that polyamory would not mean changing my existing relationship that on the day this became impossible, I had no tools for handling change.

The starting point to a happy poly life is the ability to say "Our relationships can change, and that is okay. My partner and I can still build things that will make us both happy even if they don't look quite the way they do now." As we've said, this takes courage. And it means having trust in your partner and yourself.

From there, the next step is to say "Even if things change, I have worth. I believe my partners will make choices that honor and cherish our connection, whatever may come, because I add value to their lives. I will build relationships that are resilient enough to handle change, flexible enough to accommodate change, and supportive enough to create a foundation that welcomes change. Change is the one eternal of life. What I have now I will cherish, and what we build tomorrow I will cherish, without fear."

Life rewards courage. The game changer that turns everything upside down might just leave you in a better place. The only real control you have in your relationships comes from working together to express the things you need even while change is happening all around you.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Relationship agreements work best when they do not impose limits on what form new relationships are allowed to take; when they serve the needs of all the people involved, including the people yet to show up; and when they are flexible and adaptable as you change and grow. These questions can help guide you toward ethical agreements that work.

When considering an agreement:

• What is the purpose of this agreement?
  
• Does the agreement serve the purpose it is intended to serve?
  
• Is this agreement the only way to serve this purpose?
  
• What will happen if someone breaks the agreement? Do we have a path for re-establishing trust?
  
• Is everyone affected by the agreement at the table in negotiating it?
  
• Can the agreement be renegotiated?