More Than Her (8 page)

I watched as her head started thrashing from side to side.

Then her body stiffened.

I slowed my movements.

Her eyes shut tight.

I watched it all.

Then she let out a breath with a whoosh. Her eyes slowly opened, they met mine. She kissed me once. "That was kind of embarrassing."

"No." I said seriously. "It was kind of beautiful."

Her eyes drifted shut again. "Just a powernap," she repeated.

"Okay."

She turned on her side again, with her face on my chest. Her arm went around me, and her legs tangled with mine. I did the same. "Huh." I heard her say.

And that's how we stayed. In each other
’
s arms, holding on to this night.

I didn
’
t wanted to let go.

Ever.

Maybe it was too soon.

Maybe it was too intimate.

Maybe it was too perfect.

***

"OH.MY.GOD!" she yelled. "Guess fucking time it is?"

I sat up, still half asleep. I must’ve dozed off, too. "I don't know."

"No, Logan, guess ?!"

I rubbed my eyes. "I don't know, like, midnight?"

She showed me her phone. "It's four a.m."

"What? It can't be." I focused my eyes and took the phone from her hands.

She nodded her head dramatically, her eyes wide. "I have to be at work in five hours! You have to take me home. Like, right now!" She panicked and made a move to leave, but I held her back and pulled her into my arms. "Or..." I began. "You can just stay the night here and I'll drive you to work when it's time."

She kissed me once, and then pulled away. She eyed our surroundings, and then faced me again. Then she was quiet, thinking. "I don't think that's such a good idea," she stated.

I nodded, thinking about touching her again. "Yeah, you're probably right."

She got out of bed and so did. I pulled out a new shirt from my dresser and grabbed my car keys. She walked towards the bathroom, her jeans in hand. I stopped her. "Just wear them, give them back to me next time I take you out."

She smiled. "Okay."

***

We got to her house faster than I'd like. At one point I glanced over and saw her nervously chewing on her lip. I leaned over, took her hand in mine and gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile. We didn't talk much; I guess we were both rehashing the night. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, but I knew that I definitely wanted to see her again.

I pulled into her driveway and switched the car off, turning in my seat to look at her. She smiled softly then turned to open her door.

"Wait." I said, "Just wait there, I'll get that."

I jumped out of the car, ran to her side, opening the door for her. She got out and I closed it behind her. She leaned back against it and looked up at me. Her hand reaches out and pulled at my shirt until my body was pressed against hers. Then her arms were around my neck and my hands automatically went to her waist. She kissed me once. "So, I had a good night. Thank you, Logan."

"Yeah?" I asked

She nodded.

"Not bad for a virgin dater, huh?"

She chuckled. "Nope, not bad at all."

"Okay," she sighed, removing her hands from around my neck. "I better get inside."

My hands took hers and I locked our fingers together between us. "Okay." I said, before kissing her. A kiss I used to try to tell her how I felt. And if she decided
—
once she was in that house
—
that she never wanted to see me again, then at least she'd have that kiss to remember me by. Because I would. Remember her, I mean.

"Wow," she whispered, as we break apart.

Good. She got it.

I kissed her a few more times, quickly, before pulling back completely.

"You'll call me, right?" Her eyes were cast downwards.

"Amanda," I said, trying to get her to see me. She looked up and into my eyes. "This," I motioned my finger between us. "It's not
—
I mean, it means more to me than what you're probably thinking. I'll definitely call you, okay?"

She nodded, and then turned and walked away. I hated it. Seeing her walk away. I just
—
I don't know. I didn't want this to end. The truth is I actually gave a shit
—
if she didn't want to see me again
—
or want me at all. For the first time ever, I actually cared.

"Wait!" I ran up to her. She turned around with a confused look on her face.

"Do you have a break tomorrow? I mean
—
shit. Is that too soon? Is it like creepy stalker too soon? Fuck."

She laughed at me. "I have a break at two, and no, I mean maybe, but not for me, too soon, I mean. And even if it is, who gives a shit." She shrugged. "I would love to see you, too soon."

Then she turned around and walked away, and I let her. I waited until she was in the house and I saw her bedroom light turn on. I got back into my car and pulled out my phone. I was about to text her, but she beat me to it.

   
Is it too soon to tell you that I'm already missing the shit out of you?

Amanda

Amanda: I saw him again.

Alexis: I assume we're talking about Logan?

Amanda: Yeah :(

Alexis: And?

Amanda: He kissed me.

Alexis: AND?

Amanda: I kissed him back.

Alexis: AANNDD?

Amanda: And nothing. I still hate him. And I hate myself for letting him have that part of me.

Alexis: I'm sorry, babe.

Amanda: Me too. :(

Alexis: Totally inappropriate, but how does he look?

Amanda: Totally messing with my emotions, but ah-fucking-mazing.

Alexis: Sigh. So dreamy.

Amanda: I hate him.

Alexis: I know, babe.

"Amanda?" His soft voice sounded from behind me. I turned to face him. His hands were in his pockets, his arms stiff, causing his shoulder muscles to pop. He was shivering a little from the cold. I wanted to reach move closer so he could use my body to warm him. I didn't. "You're leaving?" he asked. We stood in the dark in Micky's front yard.

I nodded

He looked around. "How are you getting home?"

"Cab."

"Alone?" He kept looking around the empty yard.

I nodded again.

He rubbed his palm against his jaw. I remembered that. It was one of the things he did that stayed in my mind long after he was gone.

"I don't really
—
" He sighed. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't really think I'm comfortable with you taking a cab alone. I'd offer to drive you, but I've been drinking. So, at least let me ride with you. You don't have to talk to me at all. I won't try anything. I won't kiss you. I won't talk to you. I won't even look at you. Swear it."

My eyes never left his. "It's not really your call what I do, is it?" I spat out.

"Amanda, I'm just worried
—
"

A bitter laugh escaped, interrupting him. "You know what? I worried about you, too. I thought that maybe something had happened to you. That night? When you promised you'd call me, and you never did. You remember that, right?"

He nodded his head slowly, his gaze intense.

"See, I swear I thought we had something. I was so sure that you wanted me too, the way I wanted you. God, I was so
stupid
. I
actually
thought you wanted me. Logan Fucking Matthews, with
me
?" I laughed to myself. "At least I can laugh about it now. But
then
, shit. Back then; I was
genuinely
worried about you. I thought for sure something bad had happened. Like, you'd been in a car accident or something
—
but of course I couldn't just call you. I didn't want be that pathetic girl that didn't get the hint. So you know what I did? I
googled you
—
for
days
! Nothing came up.

"And you know what the worst part is? I waited
—
days
—
no weeks.
Weeks
. I would have
still
spoken to you
weeks
after. Every day I told myself you were going to call, or come around, or surprise me at work. How fucking pathetic is that?"

His mouth opened to say something but I stopped him. "It was
so
fucking pathetic! So for days and days I waited and nothing. Not a single fucking thing from you." I was getting angry now. My words sharp, harsh. The tears started. I remembered everything. He stood there, and listened silently, hands still in pockets. He stared, right into my eyes, and he waited.

"Pathetic
me
, waiting for
you
, and I get
nothing
. For weeks, I sat around feeling sorry for myself. Because I fucking let you get to me. Until
finally,
Alexis convinces me that I need to get out. That I need to move on. So I do. I go to a stupid club, and who just happens to be there? You! You and some girl on your lap. And you couldn't keep your fucking hands off each other! And I hated it." My voice broke. "I hated that I had to
see
it. And I hated you!"

The anger consumed me. I started pushing him. He took every shove, not making a move to stop me. He stayed silent, while I got out over a years worth of anger, frustration and heartbreak.

"I hated you so much that I left that stupid club and the stupid memory of you with it. I moved on and screwed some guy I didn't even care about!" Push. "And just like you, he treated me like shit!" Push. "And I didn't even fucking care anymore because it was
you
I hated. I
still
hate you." Push. "And now I'm here, and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with you, and that one
stupid
night we had." Push. Shove. Push.

"It wasn't stupid Amanda," he finally spoke, pinning my arms to my sides and holding me to him.

"What!"

"That night, with you. It wasn't stupid," he said flatly.

I pulled myself off him, "Fuck you, Logan."

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet.

And I make the stupid mistake of looking at him.

And I see it, the sadness consumed there.

But I don't care.

Because I hate him.

A bunch of guys came streaming out the front door. Some of them patting Logan on the back, or giving him some choice words. We never once took our eyes off each other.

I hate him.

"Amanda?" a deep voice interrupted. We both turned to see Shane, one of my brother's friends. "It
is
you."

He scratched his head.

"Hey, Shane. How are you?" I tried to act polite; hoping the anger inside me wasn't evident in my tone.

"Good. Are you okay?" He looked from me, to Logan, and back again. Logan's stared at the ground, like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

I nodded.

"You uh, you need a ride home?

"Yes!" I shouted, before calming myself down. "Please. Thank you."

He waited for me to walk ahead of him, putting his hand on my back, as he led me to his car.

I don't turn around.

I don't look back.

Because I
don't
hate him.

Logan

For over a year I tried to forget that night with her existed. I tried to not think about what she must have been thinking, or how she must have felt. Eventually I convinced myself that she didn't care. That I was just another boy, another date, another night.

But then she stood in front of me and told me all this shit, and it took everything in me to
not
hold her. To
not
tell her the truth. To
not
tell her how sorry I am and beg for her to fucking forgive me.

So I stood there, and let her take out a years worth of anger and pain and I did nothing to make it better.

Because I can't.

How the fuck can I make things right, when it's too damn late for all of it.

And then she left, with some guy she apparently knows and I did nothing to stop her. Because she's not mine and I have no right.