More Than a Touch (Snowberry Creek #2) (25 page)

“I know, honey. I know.”

He tightened his hold on her. “Let it all out. Don’t hold back. They deserve your tears.”

She shook her head. There was more truth she needed to share. “Not mine. I was a coward. I got out.”

“Don’t do that to yourself, Zoe. You weren’t a coward for giving and giving until you had no more to give. Your tears honor the wounded and the dead.”

She wasn’t sure she should, but she very much wanted to believe him. Either way, she let the tears come. When they finally stopped, she fell asleep in Leif’s arms.

C
hapter 26

L
eif stirred the eggs and checked the coffee. There was no telling how Zoe would feel about him making himself at home in her kitchen, but after last night, they both needed to replenish their depleted energy stores.

He’d already been awake for a couple of hours. When the shower finally came on in the next room, he’d made a fresh pot of coffee and started cooking. As he set the table, he imagined various scenarios about how this morning was going to play out. All things considered, there was probably a good chance that Zoe was hoping he’d already be gone.

Since that wasn’t happening, what would be her next favorite possibility? That his leg would’ve given out on him, causing him to fall and hit his head, giving him amnesia and destroying all memory of last night? Maybe that would’ve been a good thing. He hated knowing how much she hurt, not to mention that he was a bit jealous of a dead guy. But he also knew her nurse’s conscience wouldn’t allow her to wish further injury on one of her patients.

“You’re still here.”

Not exactly the greeting he’d been hoping for, but it was the one he’d been expecting. “Yeah, but the good news is that I made breakfast for you.”

He divided the pile of eggs between two plates and set them on the table. “I hope you like onions, peppers, and Swiss cheese in your eggs. And although I object to the idea of turkey bacon on general principles, I have to admit it ain’t half bad.”

She continued to hover in the doorway of her bedroom.

“Come on, Zoe. I’m declaring breakfast as a no-confrontation zone. We can keep conversation light or even nonexistent if you prefer.”

Without waiting for her to respond, he poured them each a glass of orange juice and a steaming cup of coffee.

“Please sit. I’m hungry, but my mother would have my head if she caught me digging into a meal while a woman was still standing.”

Okay, that won him a little bit of a smile. He pulled a chair out for her and was relieved when she sat down. After taking his own seat, he passed her the plate of bacon. She tried to wave it off.

“I appreciate your going to all this effort, Leif, but I’m really not hungry.”

He wasn’t buying it, but he had promised to keep it light. “Eat anyway. Dancing that much was bound to take a lot out of you. It did me.”

They both knew it wasn’t the dancing that had left both of them feeling like roadkill this morning, but she dutifully took two slices of the bacon and a piece of toast. Good. Once she’d actually taken a bite, he turned his attention to his own plate. It took her a couple of minutes to get up to speed, but she finished the bacon, half the toast, and most of her eggs.

He polished off everything on his plate and leaned back to enjoy his third cup of coffee. It was more than he usually drank in the morning, but right now he needed the sharp edge the caffeine would provide.

Zoe picked up her own coffee and left the table to stare out the living room window. She looked so damn alone. He wished he was better with all this touchy-feely stuff, but he had no idea how to offer the comfort she so badly needed right now.

He drifted after her, moving slowly but determined to get close. She let him get within a couple of feet before she finally spoke, not that she bothered to look at him.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine, so you listen while I talk.”

Leif set his coffee down to free up his hands. Still moving slowly, he brought them up to rest on her shoulders. Just as he’d expected, her muscles were a mass of knots, and her body thrummed with tension. He began to gently massage her shoulders and neck, drawing comfort from the fact that she tolerated his touch.

“Last night was tough, Zoe. We always seem to end up this way, with the good between us getting all twisted up with the baggage we’re each carrying.”

He eased closer, still maintaining his steady effort to ease her pain any way he could. “We’ve both known what my issues are. My leg’s screwed up . . . well, actually, it’s screwed together. It might get better. It might not, though, so I can’t make any kind of decision about my future until I know what my options are.”

Which translated into he might get his life as a combat soldier back or he might not. That was his problem, though, and right now he was more concerned about Zoe’s.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a guess that you haven’t talked to anyone recently about what happened to you in Iraq.”

What progress he’d made in loosening up her muscles disappeared immediately. Yeah, he’d guessed right. No surprise there. “Nothing happened to me, Leif. It happened to others, David included.”

He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his head next to hers. “Zoe, honey, that’s a load of crap, and you know it. You have to have read enough on the subject to know that the patients aren’t the only ones affected by their injuries. The people who care for them are, too. Not in the same way, but that doesn’t make their problems any less real.”

“But—”

“No buts, Zoe. You know it’s true. I don’t know what’s kept you from getting help. Maybe some kind of weird guilt over the fact that you came home physically whole when so many didn’t, or maybe it’s that you came home at all when David didn’t.”

“Damn it, Leif, you have no idea how I feel!”

His laugh sounded bitter to his own ears. “Really? You don’t think I’m carrying a whole shitload of guilt because I survived and Spence didn’t? He was my best friend, Zoe, and if Nick had dragged him to safety instead of me, I would’ve been the one to die that day. Sometimes I’m scared I really don’t want my leg to heal. That the limp is my penance just for living.”

God, all of this hurt so damn bad. “Hell, I’m scared to death of what I’ll find out from those specialists on Monday. But honestly, Zoe, I don’t know if I’m more afraid that they can’t fix my leg or that they can.”

Leif closed his eyes and fought to stay firmly rooted in the present. “As twisted as that is, my friend Nick has it even worse, because he lives every moment knowing he left a friend behind to die that day. There was no way he could save us both, but that didn’t keep the guilt from nearly eating him alive. If it weren’t for Callie, I don’t know what would’ve happened to him.”

It was time to lay it all out for her. “So here’s the deal, Zoe. You’re probably hoping I’ll simply walk away right now. It’s what you want because you think you don’t deserve any kind of happiness in your life. I get that. Guilt does screwy things to our minds.”

He released his hold on her and moved to face her directly. “I know you don’t want any kind of future that involves a soldier on active duty. I guess with all things considered, I don’t blame you. At least now I know why.”

The need to touch her rode him hard. He settled for brushing a lock of her hair back from her face. “You mean a lot to me, Zoe. If I weren’t who I am or maybe if your experience in the army had been different . . . But there’s no changing some things. I still want you to have a future with some happiness in it even if that future isn’t spent with me. That’s not going to happen until you lay the past to rest.”

She caught his hand and held it against her cheek. “I’ve tried, Leif. I really have.”

The tears were back. Good, maybe it meant she was finally letting herself grieve over not just David but her own lost innocence.

“Yeah, well, clearly whatever you’ve tried hasn’t worked. It’s time to talk to someone.”

She was already shaking her head. “I tried counseling right after I first got back. It didn’t help.”

“If I mean anything to you at all, Zoe, I’m asking you to try one more time.”

He drew her close, keeping his embrace gentle, but it was time to play hardball.

“Right after Mitch and I got into that fight at the bar Gage made me promise to attend one meeting of the veterans’ support group that meets at the church. I went expecting to hate every minute of it. I won’t say it’s easy, but I’ve been going ever since.”

His chest hurt, but he kept talking. “Opening up about this stuff and listening to the others leaves me feeling as if I’ve been on a three-day march without water or food. But it’s the honest truth that at least I walk out of there knowing I’m not the only one who’s going through this. That alone has made a difference in how I’m sleeping nights.”

Silence.

“If the support group can’t offer you what you need, I’m betting Pastor Haliday will know someone who can.”

Okay, here came the hard part. Leif tipped her chin up to look directly in her eyes. After brushing a soft kiss across her lips, he laid it on the line. “The meeting starts at three next Saturday afternoon. I hope to see you there.”

Then he walked out and didn’t look back.

Ch
apter 27

D
eciding to go to the veterans’ meeting was one of the hardest things Zoe had ever done. The only thing that kept her driving toward the church was the burning need to see Leif again. She hadn’t seen him since he’d walked out of her apartment last Sunday morning. Figuring he’d be at the clinic during the week, she’d let him go without protest, something she now regretted.

He’d had his appointments with the specialists last Monday, so she hadn’t expected to see him at his usual physical therapy appointment that day. But then he was a no-show on Wednesday, even though his buddy Mitch was there going through his workout. She’d asked Isaac if Leif had changed his appointment time. He hadn’t. No, in fact, he’d canceled all of his upcoming appointments.

She shouldn’t have been surprised. The news from the two specialists hadn’t been good. Both doctors had agreed on one thing: Leif needed further surgery, the sooner, the better, and even then the prognosis was iffy.

At least he had promised to see her at the church for the veterans’ meeting. Leif was a man of his word, so that’s where he’d be. She’d spent the rest of the week with a growing sense of dread. If she wanted to see Leif again, she had to go to the meeting.

If she weren’t the one caught up in the neat little trap he’d set, she would’ve admired his tactics. She wanted to see him. He wanted her to take that first scary step through the church door to meet the members of the veterans’ group. To get what she wanted, she had to give him what he wanted in return.

Well, she could get through one meeting. After it was over, she’d drag Leif somewhere private and find out what was going on in that thick skull of his. He would also find that she didn’t like being manipulated, not even by the man she—

No, she wouldn’t use the L-word. If she admitted that much even to herself, she didn’t know how she’d survive him leaving, especially if it was for good.

As soon as she turned into the church parking lot, she spotted him, leaning against the side of his big red truck. He looked way too good to her hungry eyes, which only made her madder than she already was. How dare he look so calm when a stiff breeze was all it would take to shatter her completely?

She parked next to his truck and waited a couple of beats to gather up her purse, keys, and nerve. Gentleman that he was, he was already reaching to open her door for her.

“You came. I wasn’t sure you would.”

If she’d detected anything but relief in his voice, she might have gotten right back in her car and driven away. Instead, she answered truthfully.

“I almost didn’t, but I was worried about you.”

Then before she took one step toward the church with him, she laid it on the line. “I’ll go in there, but only if you promise to go somewhere afterward where the two of us can talk. I don’t want you to disappear from my life without at least a chance to say good-bye.”

He gave her hand a soft squeeze. “That was my plan all along. I promise that if you hadn’t come here, I would’ve come looking for you. There was no way I’d leave town without seeing you again. I couldn’t.”

So she’d guessed right. He was leaving Snowberry Creek soon. Squeezing his hand was a poor substitute for words, but the lump in her throat made it impossible to speak.

“Can I introduce you to Pastor Haliday? He likes to talk to newcomers for a few minutes alone, but I think he’d let me stay with you if it would be easier for you.”

She drew a shaky breath. “I’ve met him before. I’m sure I can handle talking to him alone.”

Hopefully better than she was handling everything else in her life right now. Pride dictated that she take that first step into the building on her own. One way or another, she’d get through the meeting. It was what would come after that had her shaking in her boots.

•   •   •

Three hours later, Zoe found herself parked on top of the same picnic table she and Leif had shared the last time they’d spent time together at the creek. On the way there, they’d dropped her car off at her apartment and then stopped to pick up dinner to go at Frannie’s café before heading for the park. The bag Leif had handed her when he got back in the truck felt suspiciously heavy for two burgers and fries, but she was too tired and hungry to ask questions.

As she waited for Leif to divvy up the food, she broke the silence. “Okay, you were right about the meeting leaving me feeling as if I’ve been on a three-day march with no supplies.”

He held out her burger. “Yeah, it can be pretty harsh. Even so, if I were going to stay here, I’d keep going. I like the people, but I also need the support.”

That’s all he said, maybe waiting for her to respond. Instead, she ate her dinner, telling herself it was a crime to let a Creekburger get cold. When she’d finished off the very last sweet potato fry, Leif gave her an evil grin and held out a single dessert with two forks.

So that’s why the bag had been so big. She shot him a dirty look and made a grab for the container. “I already warned you that when it comes to Frannie’s banana cream pie, I don’t share.”

He laughed as he surrendered it to her and then produced a second one. “Then I guess it’s a good thing I bought two.”

“Well, my hips won’t thank you, but I do.”

All too soon, their last excuse for putting off the impending talk had disappeared. Once again, she started the conversation. “So, when are you leaving?”

He looked pretty grim. “The middle of next week I’ll be flying back east to see the doctor who did my last surgery. The specialists here have already talked to him, and he’s got me on his schedule for the week after that, once he confirms their findings. From what the man told me, I’ll be back on crutches for a good long while, followed by a lot more physical therapy. They’re set up with all the specialized equipment I’ll need, so I’ll have to hang around there until I’m finished.”

She aimed for maintaining a clinical distance. “So they think the surgery can relieve the pressure on the nerves that is causing you such pain.”

He nodded. “But he made no promises that it would improve the mobility in my leg and said it might even make it worse. There’s no way to tell. But either way, I can’t go on like this, so doing nothing is not an option. I have to roll the dice and see what happens.”

Leif scooted closer although he kept his eyes on the flowing water. “All in all, his best guess was that it will be four, maybe five months before I’ll know for sure how well it’s going to heal. My dad lives close enough that I can stay at his place while I rehab.”

He took her hand and tangled his fingers with hers. “I can’t make a decision about my future and what I want to do with it until I get through all of this. I’m not holding my breath that I’ll be running marathons or marching in formation. Living without pain might have to be enough.”

“No pain would be a good thing.”

“Yeah, it would be.”

Leif finally looked down at her. “So that’s my plan for getting better. What’s yours?”

Suddenly she understood what he’d found so riveting about watching the water flowing past them. She didn’t want to do this. Hated having to do this, but if he could face months of pain with no promise of a cure, she could, too.

“I’m going to attend some meetings. Maybe talk to the counselor that Pastor Haliday recommended. She’s had good success with cases like mine.”

The effect of throwing those words out there for the cosmos and the rock-solid man sitting next to her to hear was amazing. A strange need to laugh burbled up from deep within her. Leif looked a bit worried by her reaction.

“Sorry, but taking that first step toward hope is a pretty amazing thing.”

He smiled down at her. “Yeah, it is.”

“So, Corporal Brevik, how do you plan to spend the rest of your time here in Snowberry Creek? If you need suggestions, I might have a few.”

The heat in his dark eyes warmed her from the inside out. He released her hand to put his arm around her shoulders for a one-armed hug.

“For starters, I’d love to have you come to the barbecue Callie is throwing on Tuesday evening at her folks’ place. Nick gets back on Monday, so it will be a combination welcome home for him and a good-bye party for me. I also thought I’d invite Mitch, Isaac, and Brandi, so you’d know a bunch of people there.”

She didn’t hesitate. “I’ll be glad to come. Tell Callie to let me know if I can bring anything.”

“I’ll pass along the message, but your being there is all that really matters.”

Leif gathered up their trash and got rid of it. When he came back, he held out his hand again. “Now about those other ideas on what we could be doing. Exactly what did you have in mind?”

Nothing she could talk about while they were within hearing of families with small children out for a stroll.

“Some things are easier to demonstrate than describe. Besides, all my best visual aids are back at my place.”

Leif’s grin was all heat and temptation. After a quick kiss, he tugged her down off the table. “In case I haven’t mentioned it, I truly love the way you think.”

•   •   •

Monday rolled around too quickly, a reminder that Leif’s time in Snowberry Creek was almost at an end. He sat on the front porch and waited for his friend to put in an appearance. Callie had picked Nick up at the airport a couple of hours ago and taken him straight to her parents’ house next door.

Boy, he’d have given anything to have been a mouse in the corner when that went down. Sure, Nick was the kind of guy that most parents would be thrilled to have for a son-in-law, but today was the first chance Callie’s parents had had to meet the man who had swept into town and claimed their daughter for his own.

From a few things Callie had let slip, they clearly thought the couple was rushing things. Leif figured once they saw how it was between Nick and Callie, they’d come around. That didn’t mean the first meeting wasn’t going to be pretty damn scary for his former sergeant.

Mooch came charging out of the woods, so Nick probably wasn’t far behind. Sure enough, he strolled into sight a few seconds later. The man looked like hell, but then he’d probably been traveling for hours before having to face the inquisition next door.

“It’s about time you got here.”

Leif stood up to greet his friend. He opened the small cooler and pulled out a couple of beers while Nick tossed his duffel on the porch and collapsed in the other rocker. He accepted the longneck and took a big gulp. Leif waited until Nick was settled before starting his own inquisition.

“So how did it go with the future in-laws?”

Nick leaned back and closed his eyes. “You mean other than Mr. Redding choosing to clean all of his guns right about the time we were due back from the airport? Said they were dusty.”

Leif almost choked on his beer. “Yeah, other than that.”

“Then it went fine. Well, Mrs. Redding did ask if we planned on a long engagement. Not sure how to take that.”

As tempting as it was to give Nick a hard time, Leif took pity on his friend. “She’s their only daughter, Nick, and they want the best for her. Just give them a chance to get to know you.”

“That’s what Callie said, but I don’t know. Her mom tried to drag her into the other room, which would’ve given her dad the perfect time to grill me. And did I mention all the guns?”

Then he gave Leif a suspicious look. “Just what did you tell them about me, anyway?”

“Nothing bad, Sarge.” Leif raised his right hand in the air. “I swear. That would’ve been against the man code.”

Maybe it was time to throw Nick a bone.

“Hope you don’t mind, but Austin and I made plans to go out to dinner tonight with Mitch Calder. Afterward, we plan to play several hours of pool at BEER. Ordinarily you’d be welcome to come, but my truck’s not big enough for four. You’ll just have to hang out here with Callie and Mooch without our charming company. We’re leaving at five and won’t be back until around eleven. If that last part changes, we’ll call first.”

His friend looked decidedly happier. “Seriously? I might have six whole hours alone with Callie?”

“Well, Mooch will be hanging around, too.”

The dog in question had just finished one of his regular patrols around the yard and flopped down on the porch between their two chairs. Nick reached down to pet him.

“You should’ve seen Mooch when I got out of the car. He was so excited I thought the poor little guy was going to burst apart at the seams.”

No surprise there. Mooch worshipped the ground Nick walked on. Leif would’ve been jealous, but the dog loved him that much, too.

Nick moved on to the next subject. “Speaking of Austin, how is that going?”

Leif shrugged. “He has his ups and downs, but there’s hope for him. I’m not making excuses for the piss-poor choices he’s made in the past, but at least he’s trying. He’s been chipping away at stripping the wallpaper on the third floor and helping a lot with the yard work. We also got him enrolled in a GED course that starts in a couple of weeks. I’ve got to warn you, his experience with school in general really sucked. He’s convinced he won’t be able to cut it. I volunteered you to help make sure he succeeds, since I won’t be here.”