Moments Lost and Found (24 page)

Then he got up out of his chair and bent down to
kiss her forehead, “My little druggie.” he said. She smiled thinking how cute
that sounded in his French accent. She was drifting off into la-la land again.
Then an orderly came in with a wheel chair, clearing his throat

 “Uh, Ms. Davis? You ready to go for a little
ride down to ortho?” He was a big African American man, at least 6’ tall and he
looked like a linebacker. The man was massive, but sported a huge grin.

Sam was really feeling loopy now, “Mmmhmm” was all
she could manage.

 “Ok, ma’am, my name is Andre, and I’ve got
your chariot right here waitin’ for you.” he said warmly and winked at her.

Sam, in her state said, “Andre the giant.” And he
laughed out loud.

 “It’s been a while since anyone’s had the
guts to call me that to my face.” He said, still chuckling.

Laurent backed up to give Andre room. He set the
wheel chair in park, then lowered the bed railing and helped Sam out. Her legs
were a little wobbly, due mostly to the drugs, and she giggled as they gave out
a bit. She was, as the saying goes, feeling no pain.

Andre held her as he walked her a step over to the
wheel chair. Once in, he released the brake and then turned to Laurent, “Ok Mr.
Davis, we’ll have your wife back soon.” Sam giggled again as she saw the look
on Laurent’s face which went from shock to amusement. But, ever the gentleman,
all he said was, “Thank you, Andre. I’ll be right here waiting. Take good care
of her.”

 “Yes, sir.” Andre replied and winked at
Laurent. He was an equal opportunity winker, Sam thought, and then giggled
again to herself. She was definitely going to have to ask for some of these
drugs. They would have helped her a lot in the last month or so…

Ortho was backed up with an emergency, so what
should have taken an hour or two took half the day. Not that Sam really had any
sense of time, or anywhere she could go, but once they finally got back to her
room and saw that Laurent wasn’t there, her heart sank. The happy drugs had
mostly worn off and she was sober enough for reality to set in. He wasn’t going
to wait for her, and she didn’t blame him. He left her. Again. Perhaps, it was
only because of the drugs that she had imagined his warmth and tenderness.

A different orderly helped her back into her bed,
this one wasn’t nearly as friendly as Andre, and Sam started to question
whether any of the good that she had felt in the last 24 hours had happened at
all. She adjusted herself as best she could with one arm. Her bad arm was now
in a sling, a dull throbbing pain in her shoulder that turned sharp every time
she moved. She thought about turning on the TV, but the thought of watching
daytime television depressed her even more. All she wanted to do was sleep so
that she could escape her mind. Still somewhat groggy, sleep wasn’t far off as
she closed her one eye and drifted into a fitful limbo feeling sad and alone.

Once again, Sam’s dreams were unsettling. She
dreamt that she was on one side of a huge stone wall, taller and wider than she
could see. It was dark and cold and damp on her side and she knew that it was
light and sunny and warm on the other. There was a voice that yelled from the
other side, “I’ll help you get to this side, let me help you.” but Sam couldn’t
speak, she couldn’t accept their help, so she tried to climb the wall, tried to
look for a way around it, but every time she started to climb she would only
get a few feet up and then fall back down. There was no one on her side to help
her. Every time she fell she kept falling on the same shoulder, and it was
throbbing, and throbbing and throbbing… and finally she woke up, moaning.

 “
Cheri
, what can I get you? Should I
call the nurse?” Sam heard Laurent’s voice, but she knew this must still be
part of the dream. He was gone. She struggled to open her eye, and when she
did, she blinked again, it couldn’t be real. Why was he here? He had left her.

 “You’re here? I thought you left me.” She
said wondering if any of this was real.

 “Of course I’m here,
Cheri
. I just
left for a little bit to go take care of Max and Ben. The nurse told me you’d
be down in Ortho for a few hours, so I went to your house to walk and feed
them.” He smiled at her and then bent down to kiss her forehead.

 “You did that for me?” Sam hated how
pathetic she sounded but she was stunned. Once again, she felt tears well up.

Laurent shook his head and got that stern look on
his face, “Samantha, we really need to talk.” And on hearing that, Sam
chastised herself for getting her hopes up. How could she really think that he
would come back to her after everything. He was just being nice, even that she
didn’t know why. But she knew what the “talk” was going to be. She swallowed
and blinked back her tears, trying to straighten herself and brace for what was
to come.

 “I know, Laurent. You don’t have to say
anything. I understand. You’re just being nice while I’m in here. Don’t worry,
I get it. I’m sorry I sounded so, uh, needy. Look, they say I should be out of
here tomorrow, and I can get Steve to check on the boys tonight, so really,
don’t worry about it. I appreciate everything you’ve already done.”

Laurent crossed his arms, shook his head, rolled
his eyes and exhaled. “I swear to God, Samantha, when you get better, and that
arm is out of its sling, I am going to take you over my knee and spank you
until you get some things through that incredibly thick head of yours.”

Hearing him talk like that made Sam blush, smile
and feel tingling down in her core. She was shocked she could actually feel
that way given everything. She cleared her throat, “What type of things?”

 “Samantha, we need to talk about everything.
Everything
.” He looked down and ran his hands through his hair, then
looked back up at her.

Her questioning look made him answer, “Us,
Cheri
.”
Us, she wondered? By now she really was in a state of confusion, not knowing
what was real, what was the drugs. She wanted to believe that what she was
hearing was real and true. And then, he continued.

 “
Merde
, I don’t even know if you’re
going to remember this conversation later, but, ugh, do you really want to have
this discussion now?” he asked, exasperated. Sam just nodded. She wasn’t sure
what ‘this conversation’ was exactly, but whatever it was, she had all the time
in the world and she figured, it was better to get it over with sooner than
later.

 “I know your work is your priority,
Samantha. But I need to be a priority too. Period. I won’t accept anything
less. You’re a smart woman, Samantha. You can figure out how to juggle both
things…if you want me in your life. But if you don’t put me at the top, along
with your career, not instead of, but on par with, if you don’t do that then
no, there is nothing to talk about.”

Sam was stunned. Was he really willing to give her
another chance? “You still want to be with me?”

He laughed and said, “Like I said before,
sometimes you make it very difficult,
Cheri
.”

 “But you like a challenge?” Sam asked
hopefully.

He laughed out loud, “Samantha, a challenge is
putting it mildly. You,
Cheri
, are, ugh.” He shook his head and then his
smile turned serious, “Samantha, I have told you what I want. I have shown you
what I want. But I won’t ever again feel the way I’ve felt this last month
without you. I won’t allow it.”

Sam shook her head, “I know, Laurent. You deserve
better.”

 “Samantha, stop saying that! I know what I
deserve. And I know what you can give me.” He was angry now. “Can you give me
what I want?”

 “I can try.” Sam said softly.

 “That’s not good enough, Samantha.” He said,
and he was right. He had put all of his cards on the table.

 “You’re right. I’m not good enough. I’ve
proven that to you. I’ve proven that to myself. I ruined everything.”

 “
MERDE
!” Laurent yelled. He was not
the type of man who yelled. His meaning was typically crystal clear, even in
the softest of voices. So on the few occasions that Sam had heard him yell, it
startled her.

He saw that she flinched and he regained his
composure. “Where did all this self-doubt come from?”

Sam could feel the tears forming again. There was
no point in trying to stop them. So she talked as they tumbled down her cheeks.
“When I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. When I chose that
account over you. When you walked out of that hotel room on me. When my days
went from happiness and exhilaration and joy to emptiness and dread.” Sam could
feel the steady stream of tears, stinging her swollen eye, along with the snot
that was coming out of her nose. Her heart was pounding and her breathing was
shuddering with what was now turning from crying into sobbing.

 “I have never, ever felt what I feel when I’m
with you, Laurent. And I hate myself more than you can imagine for throwing it
away, for not cherishing it. I hate that I not only hurt myself, because that I
can handle, eventually. But the thought that I hurt you too is more than I can
bear.” She was trying to catch her breath in between sobs but now the sobbing
just took over. She couldn’t speak. She could barely see. And she hurt so much.

She had to get it all out. This was her chance to
finally talk with him, after all this time.

 “Laurent, before you came into my life, I
never, ever imagined that I could feel so much love and joy and happiness with
anyone, or because of anyone. I never knew it was even possible.”

Sam continued to cry and they just sat there
together until her crying finally subsided, even though the tears continued.
Laurent passed her tissues and she blew her nose, noisily, thinking to herself,
this is just one more thing that will turn him off, but what else do I have
to lose now?
He broke her from her defeatist thoughts.

 “Samantha, do you want to be with me?” he
asked softly.

 “More than anything.” She tried to smile but
she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

 “So why won’t you let yourself?”

 “Because I’m afraid I’ll screw it up again.
I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again. And I’m afraid I’ll lose you again. I can’t go
through feeling the way I’ve felt the last month ever again. I can’t, Laurent.
I can’t put myself through that again.” Just the thought of it made Sam feel
that empty knot in her stomach.

 “So you’d rather just walk away because
you’re afraid of what might happen?” he was being so patient with her.

For once in her life, she knew that safe wasn’t
the way to go. She couldn’t pretend that she didn’t know what loving him was
like. She had a chance to be with him, and if she threw it away this time, she
knew it would be gone forever. And then she would truly hate herself.

 “No.” she said softly.

 “No, what?” he asked. The conversation was
taking so many twists and turns he wasn’t sure if she was saying no to him or
to what.

 “No, I don’t want to walk away. I want to be
with you. I want to share a life with you. I want a future with you. I want to
grow old and grey with you.” Sam had never before said anything like that, or
even had thoughts like that.

Laurent smiled the most tender smiles, and then
laughed, “I am already salt and pepper, as you say. Grey might not be that far
away.”

Sam was still crying, but smiling now. And then
she started laughing.

 “
Cheri
, what’s so funny?”

 “I was just thinking that it seems hospitals
bring us back together. They’re not usually such a happy place.” Sam sniffled
and then said, “But if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to try to find
another happy place that’s ours, ok?”

Laurent nodded and laughed, “Yes,
Cheri
. We
will have our own happy place. Not a hospital.”

Sam couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing.
Laurent was there, with her, talking about them having their own happy place.
She wasn’t sure if this was real or the drugs, or perhaps even a dream. So much
had happened in the last 24 hours, she wouldn’t have been surprised to wake up
to find out that it was all in her mind. But one thing she did know was that
she no longer had anything to lose. She had put her heart on a railroad track
and the express train had crushed it. If there was the slightest possibility at
all that all of this was real, then now was her chance to try to show Laurent,
to try to prove to him how much she regretted what she did. How much she still
loved him and still wanted to be with him.

 “Will you please hand me my purse, Laurent?”
Sam motioned over to where her bag lay on the table. He looked puzzled but
retrieved it for her.

 “What do you need? I can get it.” He asked
as he set the bag down. Sam shook her head and with her good arm dug through
the bag until she found what she was looking for, thankful that it was still
there, in the bottom of her bag. With her arm still in the bag, Laurent shook
his head and rolled his eyes at her stubbornness, even still, not asking for
help in her compromised situation. But she knew what she was looking for and
wanted to be the one to find it. She pulled out the small black velvet box and
looked up at him.