Momentary Lapse (8 page)

Chapter Eight

Three days.

It had been three days since Madison had left Baltimore. Three days since she'd experienced the highs and gut-clenching lows of meeting Cole. Three days in which Madison had sat in her apartment, her mind numb, her body number.

When Cole had stormed off from the hotel, he'd taken something with him. That was what it felt like, anyway. That she'd been left with nothing. Less than nothing. Because in the hotel room with Cole that night, Madison had realized something was missing in her life. Truth. Genuineness. Call it what you like. It was intrinsic and real.

Ever since, she'd wanted to stay in the stasis of her apartment forever. Unfortunately, even stasis had a way of moving things along. After three days, Madison dragged herself out for a fitting, and to join her weekly engagement with some of her more privileged acquaintances. She'd had some vague idea that sitting in a restaurant eating miniscule portions at hair-raising prices would be better than sitting at home.

She should have known better. Glancing around the group of women she called friends, Madison realized again, she would never be the same.

Friends.
To call them friends implied they cared for one another. Yet truthfully, Madison didn't know anything of them, beneath the surface of air kisses and gushing over their latest Vera Wang's. To look too hard would be to acknowledge they weren't rich, young socialites without a care in the world. The beautiful people everyone else wished they could be.

She'd never pull out the
f-
word.

Feelings.

She could never cry with any of them over a tub of rocky road in their onesies, or confide the truth…that they were all scared little girls who didn't think they were good enough. No. Madison laughed and postured along with the rest of the nouveau riche, virtual strangers linked by name and status only.

Just like her fake engagement.

The ultimate lie
.

Madison twisted the ring around her finger, feeling the burn of metal against her skin like a hypocrite's brand. Self-loathing rose in a tide from the pit of her stomach until all she wanted to do was wrench the stupid thing off and hurl it across the restaurant. Except she wouldn't. That would involve telling her
friends
about her broken engagement.

And she just couldn't do it.

Why not?
What was she scared of?

Was it because deep down, despite her fantasy night with Cole, Madison knew there was a chance she'd go back to Logan? It would be so much easier. The realization had hit pretty hard that she'd squandered her life so far. She was down to her last dollar. Using beauty instead of brains had left her with nothing to fall back on.

Madison held in a sigh. And sitting here blaming everybody else for her pathetic life wasn't going to change it. Hadn't she enjoyed the primping, the fussing, the gushing accolades and beautiful clothes? Putting on a show?

Her stomach knotted, the broccolini and pumpkin seed salad sitting like lead in the bottom of her belly. Logan might have used her for arm-candy and money, but Madison had used him too. Oh, she'd wanted to believe they could fall in love—but in the end, didn't they deserve everything they'd gotten from each other? And everything they hadn't.

She'd used Logan, the same as he'd used her.

And she'd used Cole too.

That was the bigger regret. Cole hadn't been able to look at Madison when he'd left her by the elevators that morning. Truth was, Madison would walk away from herself too, if she could.

When she'd found him waiting after the horrible lunch with her mother, it was like her heart had started beating again. All she'd wanted was to fit back into his arms and lose herself. To hold off reality one moment longer. And it'd felt good—
oh, so good
—when he'd backed her into the alcove and pressed his body against hers.

Until his bitter accusations had spelled out the truth of who she was. What she was.
A fraud.
She'd been a different Madison that night. Confident. Teasing. Willing to give as much as she got. Cole had lapped it up. Lapped
her
up. Never realizing the Madison she'd presented hadn't been real.

Did a real Madison St. James even exist? Or was she just a reflection of what everyone else wanted her to be?

“Madison!”

She jumped as Noelle clicked her fingers in front of her face.

“Earth to Madison. I said I hear your mother has secured Del Arco for your wedding.”

“Is it true?” Primped to within an inch of her bottle-blonde life—yet looking fresh and flawlessly natural—Candice directed a perfectly arched stare across the top of her glass.

Madison blinked and re-gathered her thoughts. She smoothed down the fabric of the trousers she'd worn to her mother's, wondering if anyone had noticed they weren't freshly laundered and pressed.

“Yes.” She confirmed the gossip.

Candice's eyes tightened infinitesimally as she held her stare a moment longer.

“Oh. My. God. He's the best planner ever.” Rebecca broke the moment, gushing into her crab and white truffle tortellini. “Mummy paid a fortune for him to do my sweet sixteen. Do you remember? I mean, seriously. The ice sculpture was to die for.”

“Ice sculpture? Forget the ice sculpture. Your lawn was an honest-to-God skating rink!” Noelle threw her hands up in mock disgust. Two parts mock. One part disgust.

Rebecca looked smug, and so she should. Her parents had paid good money for her party to be the topic of conversation six years later.

“So, what's he going to do for your wedding?” Candice's tone was cool as she turned her attention back to Madison.

Madison itched to tell them the truth about Logan. A prickle of wrongness crept over her skin, clinging to her like a polyester suit in the rain. If ever she was going to do it, now was the time.

“I-I'm not…” Madison stumbled. Panic locked her throat tight. “That is…I'm not…”

Going to marry him
. The words sounded so simple in her head—why couldn't she get them past her lips?

She squeezed her fingers into a knot in her lap. “I'm not sure.” She trailed off lamely.

Rebecca tilted her head as she looked across the table, her brow puckering. Was she showing concern? For a horrible moment, Madison thought Rebecca might ask what was wrong and the wall holding back her dam of feelings trembled. In her current state, it wouldn't take much for Madison to shatter.

She could always count on Candice not to let that happen. “Is something going on we should know about?” Bitchy eyes gleamed hungrily. Candice would love nothing more than to see Madison belly flop off the social ladder.

Ten, nine, eight…
Madison counted down to an expansive smile. “Yes. I am looking forward to seeing what Del Arco has in store for my wedding,” she said on the outgoing breath. “Mother will make certain it's quite an event, I'm sure.” She took a sip of water to hide the waver in her voice.

And didn't miss the disappointment flash across Candice's face.

Madison stretched her smile wider.

She hid her relief well when her phone interrupted the silence. Even knowing who lay in wait at the other end.

“Mother.” She excused herself from the table with an apologetic pout to take refuge around the corner of the building. As soon as she was out of sight, Madison sagged against the brickwork.

“Madison. Have you reinstated your engagement to Logan yet?” No prelude or niceties. No hint of concession in her mother's voice.

Madison gritted her teeth, her grip tightening on the phone. It'd only been three days since she'd seen her. And yes, she had given some thought to her relationship with Logan. That was why she'd decided it was better not to see him. She was in too vulnerable a place to make decisions about her future.

“You need to get on with it.” Her mother took Madison's silence as acknowledgement that yet again, she'd let her down. Patricia's breath hissed into her ear. “I mean, for goodness sake. Do I have to take care of everything?”

“No.” The threat of her mother stepping in snapped at Madison's attention. The last thing she needed was Patricia coming to Wellsford to
take care
of things. “No. I'm going to see him. In fact, I'm…ah…on my way to his office now.”

“Good.” Her mother warmed a little. “That gives us time to ensure things are smoothed over prior to the St. Mathews Hospital Ball.” She sighed at Madison's continued silence. “You haven't forgotten about the ball, have you? You and Logan must be picture perfect.” Her voice was all business again. “The Governor will be there.”

Madison made a face. She hadn't forgotten about the charity ball. That was where she'd been earlier, with Noelle getting fitted with a designer gown for the auction. What
had
slipped Madison's mind was the fact Logan was supposedly partnering her.

“I'll see him,” she said. Meaning it this time.

“Good girl.” Her mother breathed an audible sigh of relief. “I knew I could rely on you to do the right thing.”

The right thing.

Madison straightened, staring into the grungy back alley behind the beautiful frontage of the ritzy waterside café. She had no idea what the right thing was anymore. Was it to expect her husband-to-be would stray from time to time? Or had it been her night with Cole, when every touch, each stroke of his fingers had been a symphony against her skin?

Madison dropped her phone in her bag and walked back to the table. She hadn't been missed. The conversation still flowed around her as if she were invisible. None of them realized anything was wrong.

How could they not even notice?

Unable to stay and play out the charade any longer, Madison mumbled a vague excuse about seeing her fiancé. She air kissed cheeks and fake-hugged goodbyes, all the time fighting against the bile rising in her throat.

She had someone to see about an engagement.

* * * * *

Being face to face with the man she'd come
this
close to marrying didn't bother Madison as much as she'd thought. She hadn't known what to expect when the moment arrived.

Hurt?

Yes.

Anger?

A little.

Heartache?

Not so much.

Madison tilted her head to consider her ex-fiancé across the desk. He looked good. But then, Logan always did. Today he wore the charcoal suit she'd picked out at HB's, coupled with a soft, snowy shirt and silver bar cufflinks. With his boyish blond hair falling over his eyes, Logan appeared as charming as ever.

Which is usually what got him into trouble. Enough so his father had sent him to Crovens to prove his worth before allowing him anywhere near the family business. His father wanted Logan to grow up and take responsibility.

So did Madison.

She searched his face, looking for a sign—some small spark of recognition from her soul confirming Logan was the one.

Nothing.

No fluttering butterflies in her stomach. No blood racing like quicksilver through her veins. Logan had a certain charm. Her gaze flicked down past his chin to take in the bits she could see above his desk.

But he was no Cole.

Okay, she was officially staring at Logan like he was a lump of meat. Madison cleared her throat and pulled back her focus. He shrugged, dishing up his patented man-boy grin. Like he just didn't care. Except Madison knew better. She saw past the playboy charm and recognized the tightness around his eyes, the worry pressing his lips together.

For one brief moment of insanity, she thought about asking if
he
was okay.

Madison stopped herself. He wouldn't appreciate being seen as anything less than the full Logan. Just like she wouldn't. Six months of being engaged and they'd never moved past that point.

“So, what do you think?” she asked instead, reminding him of the proposition she'd just laid at his feet.

“That you're crazy,” Logan said bluntly. He leaned forward, looking dubious. “You want your allowance for the next few months. Even though, according to you, we're no longer engaged?
And
you haven't told your mother.” He shook his head. “Why would I do that?”

“You mean, what's in it for you?”

Logan stared back, not bothering to deny it.

Madison smothered a sigh, sinking back in her chair. “You left me no choice, Logan. You cheated. Remember?” It'd been too much to hope he would do the right thing.

His patronizing grin disappeared. “Almost cheated,” he corrected.

“Semantics and you know it. You would've slept with her if I hadn't caught you out.” Probably with his tongue down Chloe's throat and his hands
…

Well, never mind where his hands might have been.

Logan's scowl deepened for a moment, then like clouds dispersing on a sunny day his face brightened and the charm emerged again. “It's hard being me.” He fell back easily into playboy mode. “I'm a good looking guy. Rich. Influential.” He pointed across the desk at her. “You're beautiful enough, but you'll never know what it's like to have charisma.”

Madison choked back a laugh. “I didn't realize charisma came with a direct link to your penis,” she said, not the least bit offended by his opinion of her. She was well past that. “And I didn't read that on your gift-tag when my mother bought you off the shelf.”

Logan's mouth fell open, but he quickly regained his composure. “Touché, Madison. Touché.” He laughed, looking impressed.

And with it, Madison experienced a glimmer of hope that Logan might soften. The stiffness in her chest eased, allowing her to breathe properly for the first time since she'd left Baltimore.

“So, you'll help me?” she pressed. “All you have to do is pay back my allowance for the next few months. Just until I can figure things out with my mother. Please, Logan. I really need this.” She wasn't above begging.