Mollywood (27 page)

Some of the woodwork had damage. Jeff sheepishly told me he was responsible for some of the carnage, in his childhood. He’d just begun to sand it along with the floors Most of it I could replace easily. By the time he finished telling me what all they had done on the place, I couldn't wait to bring Molly to show her.

Jeff headed back into the house to lock up, leaving Graham and I out in front.

“It’s a heck of a place, Joe. I know every tradesman who’s worked on it. Hell, I even know the inspector. It’s in impressive shape and the parts that weren’t have been completely redone. You think Molly will like it?” I looked back at the house and nodded.

Doubt must have showed on my face because Graham put his hand on my shoulder.

“What is it, son?” He motioned to the tailgate of my truck and we sat down.

“I just haven’t handled things well with Molly. To be honest, I didn’t even ask her to marry me. I just told her we should get married.” Graham gave me a knowing look and nodded.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself Joe. Things have been flying at you pretty fast. It wasn’t that long ago that I worried we were going to lose you, or more accurately that you’d lost yourself. Now look at you. Finally healing and about to be a father. Don’t beat yourself up for every little misstep.”

“I’ve given myself a break about a lot of things but when it comes Molly…not giving her everything that she should have…” I broke off as a lump formed in my throat. We sat in silence for a few moments before Graham spoke.

“To be fair, no one can tell you what Molly needs except Molly. And every man has to find his own way to ask the woman he loves to spend the rest of her life with him. You’ll get no shortage of advice on it, a lot of it bad, but it all amounts to the same thing. What a woman wants is for the man to make a gesture that not only shows how much he loves her, it shows how well he knows her.”

The simple wisdom struck a chord deep within me and I found myself nodding. Graham stood and clapped me on the shoulder.

“Take some time and think about it, Joe. The answer will come to you.” Waving goodbye, he headed over to his truck and then drove away. All the way back to the apartment I thought about Molly. Then I went up and sat on the roof in the outdoor space I had fixed up for her. I watched the stars and contemplated how she’d turned my life upside down. My phone rang, and it was her picture that lit up the screen.

“Hey, baby girl.” I murmured, realizing that my ears were stinging from the biting night air.

“Hi.” She sounded breathy, but so close it was impossible to believe I couldn’t reach out and touch her. “I know I said I wouldn’t call…”

“I’m glad you changed your mind. I miss you.” I replied. “I have a surprise for you.”

“I bet you do.” She responded coyly, and I bit my lip in frustration.

We talked for about fifteen minutes. She said she’d been offered a deal and Robbie was looking over the paperwork. I told her I had a lead on a house, but begged her not to get her hopes up.

When she finally said good night and hung up, I sat and watched the traffic meandering in the distance. Suddenly it felt much colder on the roof and I decided I needed to do something to take my mind off of Molly, otherwise I would end up brooding about how much I missed her all night long. I took the stairs down to the workshop and turned on the lights in the back. Grabbing the bin of scrap wood I dumped it onto my workbench and stared at it.

One of the things that I hadn’t told anyone, not even Molly and Dr. Greene, was how badly losing my ability to carve had wounded me. At the time, it was buried beneath the weight of crushing grief. But as the days dragged on, the absence of my gift was almost as bad. That part of me that could create was crippled. Deep down, I thought it might be gone for good. Now every time I reached for it, I worried that it might not be there. But this time, like each time since it had come back, the intuitive knowledge flowed back into me.

It was hard to explain to other people what it was like to carve. My mind didn’t so much disconnect as it went into a different gear. Suddenly, there was clarity of action. My hands flowed through the motions necessary to create the vision in front of me. A profound sense of peace settled over me whenever the tools were in my hand. It transcended almost anything else. I felt it most deeply when I wasn’t making something specific, but when I was creating. Like the day that I built Molly her spice box.

Now, as I sat at the workbench and began shaping the wood in front of me, I cleared my mind of what I was doing and let my hands work. Woodcarving isn’t a speed activity and the time it took to slice away the unnecessary bits of material left me time to consider my current state of affairs.

I hope the reason Molly said no to marrying me is because I screwed up how I brought it up. Tamz and mom were right. I really fucked up. That ring…it’s perfect. As much as I hate to admit it, I think mom actually scored some points with me this time. If Molly likes the house, we could have almost everything we need for our new family except Stow and Go seating. If she says yes…we could actually be a real family.

Tears blurred my vision and my work ground to an instant halt. It was hard to think about Molly this way. The intensity of my love for her burned like molten metal in my heart. She’d brought me out of darkness like a torch left burning in the night. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but before her…I
had
given up. I was marking off days until life ended with no other concern than making sure I didn’t make myself a burden. She’d changed all of that. My life was forever altered because of her love, and I shuddered in horror at the thought of losing her. Unbidden, Molly’s voice rolled through my head.

Joe…you can’t control everything. If something goes wrong there’s not a lot you can do.

I sat in the chair silently and after a few minutes my hands started working again. As calm returned, I rolled her words around in my head. The simple truth of the matter was that she was right. No matter how much I tried to protect her, there were no guarantees that I would be able. I hadn’t been able to the first time. It didn’t stop me from torturing myself with the lie.

Jessica and Jack.

The names still tore through my heart. But they lacked the full force that they once had. It wasn’t that I was getting over their deaths. I don’t think the pain of loss that deep ever really goes away. The pain was still there, but I no longer let it control me. Instead, being with Molly was showing me how I could keep living. The undeniable truth was that I wanted to be with Molly. To live our life together and give her every part of me. Setting my things down on the table, I grabbed my keys and headed out to my truck.

I was going to give Molly what she wanted: my whole heart. In order to do that, I had to do something for myself first. I had to move on, leave the past where it belonged.

The drive across town took less time than normal with most travelers already home for the evening. The cemetery was locked when I arrived, so I drove around and parked near a side gate. It wasn’t open but there were two loose bars near it that I could just slip through. I’d found this security flaw shortly after the funeral. It’s amazing what you discover when you wander outside a locked cemetery for five hours.

It was pitch black inside, but I had a small flashlight with me. I kept it low to the ground to keep from attracting attention from anyone passing by. I could have found the graves in total darkness. In no time, I was standing in front of them and I sank down into the cold wet grass above them.

“Hey, Jess, hey, Jack. Sorry to bother you guys so late, but I need to talk.” Realizing how ridiculous it was to apologize for the time in a cemetery, I paused. Their constant presence had always felt very real to me, and I took a moment to gather myself.

“Jack, I miss you, boy. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that we could have traded places. You had all that unlimited potential. It isn’t fair that you didn’t get a chance to experience everything that life has to offer. I want you to know that I’ll never forget you. I will always love you. I may not get out here to visit you as much as I have in the past, but I want you to know that isn’t because you mean any less to me. I have to start taking care of myself and those around me now. I hope you understand, son.”

Tears were flowing down my face and I let them fall. There was nothing that would stop me from coming to visit him, but I was finally truly saying goodbye to him. I heard a sob and realized it was coming from me. I was finally ready to let him go. They’d buried my boy years ago, but I had carried him with me every day since. Now I felt ready to lay him to rest.

Laying my hands on his tombstone, I leaned into the heavy marble and locked my arms around it in a crushing embrace. The stone seeped the warmth from my body, but I held onto it until my shivering made it to difficult. Rising, I walked around rubbing my hands to get the blood flowing again. When I was warmer I turned to look at Jess’s tombstone.

“I haven’t really been fair to you.” The words tumbled out of my lips before I even had a chance to think. Taking a deep breath, I fought against the rage inside and tried to get out what I needed to say. “Bethany defended you more than once and I was just too damn stubborn… full of too much anger and pain to listen. It was easier for me to build you up like some monster that killed our baby. But that isn’t fair…and it isn’t true. I can see that now. You were sick, and needed my help and support. But you were too scared of me judging you to ask me. I have hated you for what you did, but I was also hating myself.”

Reaching down I picked some leaves from the top of her headstone and tossed them aside. From inside my pocket I took my wedding ring. Twisting it around in my fingers I stared at it for a while.

“I remember everything, Jess. The good memories along with the bad. I can say that now. It isn’t just the accident and the aftermath. I remember how excited you were when we found out we were pregnant. How angry you were when I showed up late for our wedding. The pizza nights when we would skinny dip in the pool behind your parents’ house. It wasn’t all good but it wasn’t all bad either. I loved you…and I think you loved me. What happened to you wasn’t fair. My hatred of you wasn’t fair either. It was an accident. You didn’t do it on purpose. I know you would never have left me or harmed our baby. I’m sorry, Jess. I hope that wherever you are you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Digging my hand into the turf I made a hole about six inches deep and dropped my wedding ring into it. Tamping the divot back in place, I stood and let the tears flowing down my cheeks fall onto the graves. Standing there, I felt a warm wind blow away the cold for just a moment, or maybe it was my imagination.