Misty Blue (33 page)

“Why?”

Couldn’t he think of a different word?
Did he really want
her to say it
? She wanted to give a child what neither of them had had, two loving parents, a stable home. Mia was becoming annoyed. It shouldn’t be this hard. Damien should be kissing her, making love to her, giving her the baby she desperately wanted.

“Mia, a baby won’t change our pasts.”

“I didn’t say that it would,” she answered testily. “I just said that I wanted to have one.”

“A baby’s not an experiment. I don’t think we’re ready.”

“You mean you don’t think I’m ready,” she lashed out at him. “Look, Damien, you’re my husband, not my father, so stop trying to fill that role. And don’t bother throwing Keefe’s name into this.”

“Why not? I was going to let that one go, but since you’re the one that brought it up, we both know I couldn’t act like your father if I tried,” he replied, rising to the bait. “Like you said, your brother has that one covered.”

Mia forgot the plans she had as her annoyance turned to anger. “I think it’s better that my brother thinks he’s my father than your father thinking he’s your pimp.” She regretted the words the moment they were out. The look of pain that crossed Damien’s eyes darkened his features and relayed his feelings.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Mia, not about this. You’re dumping on me because of the phone call your psycho mother made to you. That was two weeks ago, Mia, deal with it.”

“This has nothing to do with my mother.” She knew she was lying and what was worse, she knew that he knew it. “Sometimes it’s just you, Damien, that makes me angry. Believe it or not, you’re not perfect.”

“Why don’t we stop before we say things we don’t mean? Like I said, I don’t want to fight with you.”

“No, of course not,” she sneered, unable to stop the hateful words. “Mia’s too delicate, she might snap or worse yet, she might stop sleeping with me. That’s your real worry, isn’t it?”

She shoved aside her memories of their passion just a few hours before. She wanted him to understand how important it was to her to have a child and she didn’t want to explain or beg him to impregnate her.

“I’m not going to fight with you,” Damien repeated again. This is stupid.”

“So now you think I’m stupid.”

Damien shook his head and stared at her for a moment.“Is it your time?”

“What are you talking about?” Mia looked at Damien as if he’d taken leave of his senses, watching as he marched toward the calendar.

“No, you have another week and a half. So what’s the problem?”

Mia watched Damien in fascination, feeling insulted that he’d thought her wanting a baby had anything whatsoever to do with PMS. At that moment she was relieved that there was no more time to debate the issue. She simply glared at Damien.

“You are still taking the pill, aren’t you?” he asked.

“If I’m not taking them it’s my choice. It’s my body.”

“You’re right,” he agreed. It is your choice,” he said as he kissed her goodbye and walked out the door shaking his head as though to say, Women, who needs them?

* * *

“I’m thinking of having a baby,” Mia announced to Dr. Grey the moment she was seated. She watched the older woman carefully, studying her reaction. When the therapist didn’t speak, Mia became slightly annoyed.

“I know what you’re thinking, so go ahead and say it.”

“If you know what I’m thinking,” Dr. Grey began, “then there is no need in my saying it.”

Mia got up from her chair and walked around the room. “You really should repaint your office. It’s really ugly.”

“Thank you for your critique, Mia. Did you come here to discuss my décor?”

Mia turned and smiled, feeling that she’d just had a bit of the stuffing knocked out of her. “What do you think about what I said?”

“About your phrasing, or the subject matter?”

“Both,” Mia answered.

“This one’s for free, Mia, and only because you’re a friend. You’re wondering if I noticed that you said
you
were thinking of having a baby, not you and Damien, just
you
. Of course I noticed. I would be a fool not to and a very bad therapist to boot. So now if you want to stop playing games and testing me, why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”

Mia exhaled noisily and returned to her seat. “I told Damien that I wanted to have a baby.”

“And?”

“And he said no, that we weren’t ready.”

“Do you think you are, Mia?”

“I think I’ll make a wonderful mother and I know Damien would make a wonderful dad.”

“I agree. Any child that the two of you have will be very lucky to have the two of you as parents.”

“But?” Mia asked.

“No buts. It’s just in a very short time you’ll have your Ph.D. You will have accomplished your goal. Have you considered what having a family is going to mean and how it’s going to impact your career?”

“You have a family,” Mia countered.

“And my family has suffered, Mia. What do you think I talk about with my therapist?”

Mia cocked her head to the side and waited.

“I tell him how I’ve screwed up my kids’ lives, how I wasn’t there raising them and I know they’re more than likely in therapy somewhere or they will be, telling someone what an awful mother I was.”

Mia looked thoughtfully at her therapist who was acting as her friend. “I think you had to have done a good job, you were so good with me when I was young.”

“I was good at giving to my patients, Mia. I forgot to give to my family.”

Mia swallowed and looked away. She’d seen the glint of tears in her friend’s eyes and it saddened her.

“Mia, don’t you dare feel guilty for what I just said. I know you. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Not everything that happens is your fault. Your mother being a bad mother is not your fault, your brother not having a childhood is not your fault, his ex taking him for a bundle of money is not your fault. And the fact that I was a bad mother and could more easily bond with you than my own kids is not your fault.”

Tears slid beneath Mia’s lashes as her friend came toward her with tears on her own cheeks.

“I am so proud of you, Mia, and all that you have become. Whatever choices I made in my life were mine to make. You were such a lovely child. And I loved you instantly. It’s been a pleasure watching you grow and the idea that I influenced you in some way to help others is thrilling.”

The two women embraced for a long moment until Mia pulled away and wiped her face with the back of her hand. “I think we both know I don’t need to come to you anymore.”

“You haven’t needed to come to me for a long time, Mia.”

“I know. I just like talking to you. I guess it’s time to look for a new therapist. You’re too close to me and I like it that way. I like that you’re my friend.”

Mia gave her friend another quick hug and headed for the door.

“So what are you going to do about the baby, Mia?”

“I’m not sure. I think Damien and I need to talk about it a bit more, but I’ll keep in mind the cost to both the baby and my career.”

* * *

Mia sat at the table alone, listening to her husband sing, watching the women scream. She smiled as the women flirted with Damien, knowing that at the end of the show he would sing the love song he’d written to and about her. Damien smiled at her with no hint that he still remembered her angry words from the morning.

Mia smiled back. Part of her knew the time wasn’t right to be thinking of having a baby. She and Damien had not spent enough time together. They needed time for themselves before they became a family. Still, there was an empty spot in Mia’s heart that craved the love of a baby. And by the time the show was over she still hadn’t reached a decision.

When they reached home she’d pretty much decided to put it on hold when Damien began kissing her and carried her to their bed. At that moment the only thing on Mia’s mind was making love with her husband. He smiled down at her and she smiled back. Then his hand reached out toward the nightstand on his side of the bed and he opened the drawer. A shiver of anticipation curled Mia’s toes as she wondered what he was up to. She saw the foil wrapped paper and watched in horror as his gaze locked with hers, never wavering. He slid the condom on and entered her, his gaze still locked with hers.

Before Mia could utter a complaint, she was quickly rolling toward the edge, her desire mixed with her husband’s heat pushing her objections away for the moment. Afterward, she lay trembling in her husband’s arms, sated in spite of the anger that lay low in her belly. Mia turned away and lay on her side of the bed. And when Damien curled his muscular body around hers, she moved away.

“Mia,” Damien whispered, pulling her back and wrapping his body around her again, this time even tighter. “Our bed will not become out battleground. Remember?” he asked. “We both promised.” He sucked her earlobe into his mouth and licked it. “Goodnight, baby girl,” he whispered.

“Goodnight,” she said and closed her eyes.

* * *

Mia had been up cleaning for over two hours when she felt her husband’s presence. She paused in her work.

“Did you make coffee yet?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to put it on?”

Nothing.

“Mia?”

Again she didn’t answer but she did go into the kitchen. She started the coffee, made toast and eggs and put the plates on the table. All without speaking to her husband.

“We’re not doing this, Mia.”

Mia didn’t even spare a glance in Damien’s direction.

“I mean it, baby girl.”

This time Mia looked up, still not answering him.

“You’re giving me the silent treatment. And I’m telling you now we’re not doing it.”

Still nothing.

“Remember what you said to me before we married, Mia?”

She glared at him. She’d said a lot of things.

“You said no divorce.”

Mia blinked, her heart thudding. He now had her attention. “It’s things like this, nonsense that couples allow to fester until they stop trying, that cause divorce.” He smiled slightly. “We’re not going to let that happen. You’re pissed at me, but you will talk to me.”

“How do you plan on accomplishing that?”

Damien’s smile grew bigger until Mia let go of her anger, realizing he was right. She was talking to him.

“A condom? Do you know how insulting that is? As if I’m a child. Or you think I’ll try and trap you with a child you don’t want.”

“It was nasty,” Damien conceded. “But I had to make you understand just how serious I am. As far as you’re concerned, I may be whipped, baby girl, but only to a point. We’re not having a baby to prove a point. A kid’s not a toy. You don’t get to take it back if you don’t want it.” He saw Mia wince and softened his tone. “We’re not ready, Mia.”

“Why are you the one who gets to make the decision?”

Damien didn’t answer and she’d not expected that he would. “Tell me it’s because you’re the man and I’ll slug you.”

“I don’t have a death wish,” Damien answered at last. “I’d never say anything that crazy to a woman. That’s suicidal.”

“So tell me,” Mia insisted. “Why do you get to make a decision that affects both of our lives?”

“What made you think it was your decision to make?” Damien countered. “Like you said, it’s a decision that affects both of our lives.”

Mia bit into the cinnamon toast. “I just want a baby.”

“No, you don’t, Mia, you want someone to mother. You want to see if it was really that hard for your mom. You don’t know whether to forgive her or forget her, so you want to try it and see if you can do a better job.”

Mia dropped the half-eaten toast back onto the plate. “Stop psychoanalyzing me,” she snapped and pushed her chair back, intending to head back into the bedroom. In an instant Damien was standing in front of her.

“Like I said, baby girl, we can slug this out, but you’re not running to the bedroom to close me out. Never again. It’s a fight we’re having, Mia. We’ll live through it and we’ll fight again. There is nothing you can do or say to push me away.” He paused, his voice dropping an octave. “Tell me, why are you trying so hard to push me away?”

Mia’s eyes closed and a ragged breath forced its way past her lungs. She shuddered, not backing away from Damien’s open arms. He tightened his hold on her and she lay on his chest.

“Don’t worry, Mia, when the time is right we’ll have plenty of babies.”

“No more condoms,” Mia said softly. “Trust me to do the right thing.”

He tilted her chin with the tip of his finger. “Listen to me, Mia. I’m happy that you’re not repressing your feelings anymore. I know how hard all the changes you’ve been going through have been on you, but I won’t be your punching bag.” He smiled. “Its not that I can’t take it, I don’t want to take it. When you’re angry at me, hell yes, yell at me. I’ll deserve it. But you’re not going to abuse me because you’re angry at someone else. I’m not going to let you tear away at our marriage.”