Misty Blue (26 page)

“It wasn’t you, baby. I was tired and you were taking so damn long in that bathroom that I just passed out, that’s all. Believe me, I wanted you.”

“It didn’t feel like it. Then there was the gift, the wedding gift you gave me. I couldn’t believe it, a porno tape,
Fifty Ways to Please Your Lover
.”

“Mia, it was a joke.”

“I think I knew that but I was…I was…doubting myself. I was so afraid and I didn’t know of what. I was so mean to you, that stunt I pulled, my virgin sacrifice. I just needed you to hold me. When you wanted to do what we’d both been waiting for, I just got angry. It kind of felt like you did marry me only to have sex.”

“Was it because of the tape?”

“No, I had decided to forgive you for that. It just wasn’t the gift I had in mind.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Jewelry, sexy lingerie,” she smiled, then shrugged. “I was mostly disappointed.”

He stared hard at her. “Okay, that brings us to Vegas, just the two of us. After we fought and I came back to the room we were fine. You wanted me to make love to you, Mia, didn’t you?”

She looked deep into his eyes before answering. “Yes, I wanted it as much as you did.”

“Then it seems the real problem has something to do with me. I was making love to you. You pushed me off and ran crying into the bathroom. I have to tell you, baby girl, that’s definitely not a confidence builder. Then on top of that, we get home and you sleep in a separate room. Every time I’ve tried to figure it out, it all comes down to my making love to you. Tell me what happened while I was making love to you.” His voice was hoarse and he was hurting, but determined to hear the truth.

“You said I was a natural. That was the worst thing you could have said to me. My entire life, I’ve struggled not to become like my mother, and on the most important day of my life you practically said that I was her.”

“Mia, I did no such thing.”

“Like I said, Damien, it wasn’t you. It was me. That’s what I heard. We both know what my mother is, why pretend? Only a slut would try to hit on her daughter’s man.” Mia held her hand up to stop any protest from Damien.

“I was enjoying everything we were doing, Damien, really I was. I think maybe I was enjoying it too much. When you said what you did, all at once I felt I was like her…a slut. I was trying so hard to handle it but the more I enjoyed it the worst I felt. When I looked at you, in my mind I saw every man my mother had been with. And I knew I had turned into her. I couldn’t look at you, so I closed my eyes. I tried to block the pictures out but I couldn’t.”

“You had a vision?” He shook his head a little.

“It wasn’t a vision, Damien, it was a mental picture. Once the images started, my fear took over. It snowballed and got out of control. The only thing I could think to make it stop, was to make you stop.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that then, when I was going crazy thinking I had hurt you, that you hated me, that you thought…that you thought.” He swallowed. “That you thought I’d raped you.”

“I never thought that, but I couldn’t tell you because I felt so dirty. And despite my feelings I wanted to do it again. I was so afraid that if you came near me I would give in to those feeling and I would be even more like her.”

“Mia, there was nothing wrong with us making love. I’m overjoyed to know that you were enjoying it. All this time I thought you hated it, hated my touching you.”

“No, Damien. I never hated it. Besides, I managed to work most of it out in my head, and with the help of my therapist. I knew our being intimate wasn’t dirty, that it was normal, but by the time I came to that conclusion we had another problem. When we started back to…to doing it, I thought you hated making love to me. You did it so fast, never caressing me, none of the passion was there. And you got up so quickly and left the room that I thought you were disappointed in me. I thought I couldn’t compete with all the women you’d had.”

A lump was trying to work its way to her throat. She refused to allow it to stop her from finally telling Damien, what she should have told him weeks before.

“I’ve been trying to work through this also. But I kept thinking of all the things you’d said to me before we got married, how you kept saying you wanted me. And now that you had me, now that I wasn’t a virgin anymore, you didn’t seem to want me. Everything came flooding at me, including all the things my mother had said. It was all more than I could handle.”

She began crying in earnest and Damien allowed her to cry it out. He hugged her to him, thankful to have her in his arms, tears and all.

“Mia, do you still think I married you just so I can sleep with you?”

She didn’t answer.

“Mia, I love you.”

Still she didn’t answer.”

“Mia, why did you marry me?”

“Because you complete me. You’re the other part of my soul.”

“And that’s why I married you, baby girl. You complete me.”

“But I don’t make you happy.”

“You’re talking about in bed?”

“Yeah. I can tell. You always look so sad when you leave the room.”

“And you thought that was because…” Damien sighed. “We should have talked. Every time I’ve…” He hated to say ‘made love’ because he didn’t feel that he ever had.

“Mia, I thought you were only sleeping with me because you felt sorry for me, for the things my mother said. As much as I wanted you, I thought that you didn’t really want me.”

He held her gaze for a long time. “I just wanted to do it as quickly as possible. Then when I was done, I couldn’t stand the thought of your not wanting me. That was the reason I left the room. You were always crying afterwards.”

He took in a couple of deep breaths, then let them out in relief as he held Mia close to him. “Baby, you weren’t the only one fighting demons. Hell, my mother said a lot of stuff to me just the same as she did to you, but I didn’t believe it for a second. But I would have had to be a fool not to see that you didn’t want me. Knowing that, knowing I couldn’t satisfy you, do you know what that was doing to me? I never in a million years expected us to have such a problem.”

Damien ran his hands through his hair, tugging on the long braids. “So neither of us has been satisfied with our relationship. Is that a fair statement?”

“Yes, I’d say it’s a fair statement,” Mia answered.

Damien stroked her cheeks, his love for her overwhelming him. “Do you want to know why I wasn’t satisfied?” He waited while Mia nodded her head and looked down. He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. “It’s because I wasn’t truly making love to you. All the passion we had for each other appeared to have evaporated somewhere along the line. Did I get off? Yes, but that wasn’t all that I wanted. I wanted to soar to the clouds and I wanted to take you with me.”

“And I wanted to go,” Mia answered. “That first day in Vegas when you were touching me, I’d wanted it for so long. I loved your touching me, until…”

“Until you became afraid, until you thought I was comparing you with your mother, until you thought you were a slut. I never thought that Mia, never for a fraction of a second”

“But you stopped acting as though you think I’m special,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how to make you touch me again. I’ve been thinking, even though you meant it as a joke, maybe I should watch the tape, maybe it would help.”

“Where is that tape I gave you, Mia? We need to clear that up now.”

“In my suitcase.”

“Go get it. I have a feeling you didn’t even take it out of the box.”

Mia went for the tape and Damien went to the kitchen and splashed cold water on his face. He couldn’t believe it. He and Mia had talked about everything before they were married but this. The most important thing and they’d both clammed up. He remembered her saying once that she didn’t want to be a slut, but he hadn’t taken it seriously. How could he? She was a virgin for God’s sake. He flexed his hands and walked to the sofa to wait for his bride. Okay, he could handle this. Together they would fix it. At least she still loved him. Mia handed over the still partially wrapped box.

“Take the tape out, Mia.”

He waited while she looked at the envelope that was there. The surprise on her face told him that she’d never seen it before.

“Read it,” he said.

Fifty Ways to Please Your Lover: Mia, you’ve covered every one of them by marrying me. I love you, baby girl, and I promise to try and use all fifty ways to please you. We have nothing to worry about, Mia. Our love will see us though any problems.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Mia whispered.

“Why didn’t you read it?” Damien countered. I never meant for you to think you were lacking, I only meant the tape as a joke. I was stupid for not taking your worries more seriously.” He stared at his bride for a moment, realizing what this meant. “Come here.” He saw her trembling. “Why are you trembling? What’s that about?”

“I’ve missed you so much,” she answered and threw her arms around him.

And he was holding her close to his heart. “God, I’ve missed you too.” He pulled back, traced her lips with the pad of one finger. Then he dipped her and kissed her. Damien kissed his wife with all the hunger that was in him, like a man denied food for so long who was suddenly presented with a banquet. He didn’t think he would ever get his fill of her.

When he finally came up for air, he knew they would be okay. His wife loved him as he loved her. She always had. She was still trembling and so was he. With passion.

Damien felt as if a two ton Mack truck had been lifted from his shoulders. For months he hadn’t been able to believe the path his marriage had taken. It had been like a bad dream, one he was praying constantly to wake from. And now that the dream was over Damien was ready for all the hard work ahead. He would give his all into rebuilding their relationship into what it should be.

He started laughing and Mia joined in. They danced around hugging each other, not stopping until they collapsed on the floor. Then and only then did Damien pull her into his lap. “Baby girl, we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” He kissed her lightly at first, then deepened it until he felt the shiver of desire from Mia. Her response erased any lingering uncertainty. She wanted him still. He stared at her. “Wow!”

“Now do you believe me?” Mia said softly. “You’ve always had that effect on me.” She attempted to pull him toward the bedroom. “I think we need to make up for lost time.”

As much as Damien wanted to, he knew they needed to talk, to get everything said and put it behind them.

“Mia, you said you tried to cure yourself. How?”

“I knew I had to let go of the pictures in my mind. I knew you had nothing to do with that. Still, I had to work through it. I wanted you to make love to me.”

“It was going to be pretty damn hard to do that in separate rooms.”

“I know. I was secretly glad that you made me come into our bed. I loved lying next to you.” She smiled shyly. “I’d lie on you when you slept.”

Damien surprised her. “I know. All the times I wasn’t asleep. Since you wouldn’t touch me any other way, I took what I could get. You said you couldn’t cure yourself. What did you do?”

“I started seeing a therapist.”

“It helped?”

“I got rid of the pictures. And I know that what we were doing wasn’t dirty.”

He stared. “So, how come?”

“I thought it was too late. I didn’t know. Like I said, I thought you couldn’t stand making love to me,” she whispered.

“Is that why you didn’t want to go out with me? I could understand not wanting to go out to dinner with my pops, but you stopped coming to the club to hear me sing. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”

“Damien, I kept thinking about what your father said the morning after our wedding when he asked if I was worth the wait. I knew I wasn’t worth the wait and I couldn’t stand having anyone know that I wasn’t, not your parents, not mine and not my brother.” She paused, making sure Damien understood. “I never told Keefe everything.”

“You were worth the wait, baby. Believe me, you were always worth the wait.”

She looked down. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” For once he wished that he didn’t get an immediate erection around Mia, but that couldn’t be helped. Still he could control it. As much as he wanted to take his wife into the bedroom and make love to her, they still had unfinished business.

“Mia, between the two of us, we’re pretty well screwed up. My entire life I’ve been doing the same thing you tried doing with your brother and your mother. Be the peacemaker. And it didn’t really work in either of our cases. My father molded me after himself. He doesn’t hate you, Mia, it’s what you represent in my life. He knows how much you mean to me. He knows that I don’t want to live without you and he’s trying to ruin it.”

“Why?” Mia asked, then remembered she already knew that. “Don’t answer that. I already know.”

“From the time I could talk I think my pops started training me how to mack. Hell, it was fun. I’m not going to lie and tell you I didn’t enjoy it or the power I seemed to have over women. I’m not even going to try and tell you that I didn’t enjoy the sex because I did. For most of my life I didn’t give a damn. I didn’t expect to ever give a damn. Before you the only woman I truly loved was my mother. But things did start to change with Ashleigh. I cared about her. I wasn’t in love with her but she was a good friend to me and it bothered me that I was treating her like crap. Not enough to stop, but enough that I noticed. That’s when I really started seeing just how unhappy my mother was and I knew it was due largely to my pops, but I had a little to do with that too. I was hurting her when I hurt women. I’m not going to tell you that I had some big ass plans the day I met you. I was just out on the streets and I wanted Ashleigh to take me back, at least until I could find someplace to go.”