MisStaked (12 page)

Edith wasn't one to eavesdrop. Not if she was going to get caught at it, that is. She didn't have to worry as she brought Breathred and Luna their drinks. Thanks to the ape of his, the entire restaurant was getting an ear full of their business. The woman saw it as her duty, as both a friend and a manager of good standing in the food industry, to quiet them down. If her decision enabled her to get a closer listen, so be it.

"You kids stow it. You're scaring the norms,” Edith pushed Breathred over to sit beside him. “Now, what's all this fuss about?"

Stud smirked from behind a steaming mocha latte. “Luna gave Breathred a big wet one right on the lips."

"She did not. It was reverse mouth to mouth. How many times do I have to tell you that?” Breathred exclaimed to his shame.

"He said he loved her too,” Stud added, just to see his master turn a particular shade of purple you could never find in a Crayola box.

"
I did not!
” Breathred screamed.

"Yes, you did, Honey Bunch. Try to deny it and I'll take you to court,” Luna said with a devilish wink.

"About time you got around to it. I was beginning to think about hitting you over the head and making an honest man out of you.” Edith gave him a sharp nudge to the ribs.

Breathred growled. They chose to ignore him and continue the conversation without his input. Fine with him. If he'd known she was listening, he would've kept his fool mouth shut. Then again, she might not have kissed him otherwise. He rather liked the kissing part.

He cocked a half-opened eye toward Luna. As if on cue, she looked up. Before he could look away, she gave him another wink. He blushed three different ways, all of them more embarrassing than the last. At least Stud was ogling Edith, freeing him from any ridicule from the chimp's corner.

Now, the only problem was how to deal with a girlfriend. Breathred knew people of his sex did so every day but could he? What did one do with a girl? He knew for a fact shopping was involved, as were romantic dinners at restaurants with names like the Chateau. From watching soap operas, Breathred knew the score. He was already used to shopping with Luna, so that wouldn't be a problem. Managing a dinner or two wouldn't be so bad—as long as she paid, of course. He could do this.

Breathred wasn't up for all that funny stuff though. A polite kiss would be okay within reason. Holding hands would be fine. He could even help her pick out clothes. But, he drew the line at purchasing any form of hygiene products with their blue and pink wrapped wings. Oh no, not him. Lead lined bags weren't enough for him to go near those.

As long as he knew where to draw the line, things should be all right. Somehow, Breathred got the idea Luna would be the one to draw the lines. The thought scared him. Women had funny ideas about lines and where they should go. Later, he would ask Stud to explain it all to him. Until then, the best thing to do was to nod his head and look stupid. Daddy always said women knew how to deal with stupid, but if you showed them how smart you really were, they'd cut you off at the balls.

Luna patted his hand gently. “Breathred, can you snap out of it? We have some things we need to discuss."

"You got to get his attention. Like this.” To illustrate his point Stud whacked Breathred across the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

"Hey!"

"See? Works every time. How do you think I taught him to take the trash out?” Stud said, as he sat back down.

"Look, those vamps—” Luna started to say.

"Do you think we should be talking about this in front of the bit of fluff?” Stud interrupted.

"He's right. No need to involve noncombatants in this,” Breathred added.

"Look here, seeing as this is my place, unless you plan to settle your tabs right now and move this little confab somewhere else, I'm staying.” Edith announced, giving each of them a harsh look.

"I guess it'll be alright.” Breathred conceded, not wanting to upset her, or pay his tab if the truth be told. He wasn't sure how much it was, but after five years it had to be up there. “We just didn't want to scare you. This type of business isn't for the weak at heart."

"Honey Child, I've got two ex-husbands and three kids. You ain't got nothing that can scare me.” Edith laughed.

"If that's settled, can we get this over with? I need my beauty sleep,” Stud piped in.

"Like I was trying to say before the buttinsky convention. Those vampires weren't there by chance; they were looking for us,” Luna said slowly, making sure they understood her. “Or rather they were looking for you, Breathred."

"Why would they be looking for me?” Breathred asked.

"Maybe, because you're the only vampire slayer listed in the yellow pages,” Stud said, drolly.

"And you said it was wasted money.” Breathred grinned.

"Yeah, instead of people hiring you to slay vampires, you got vampires trying to slay you. Smart move, Einstein,” Stud shot back.

"Shut up. You're nothing but overgrown children,” Luna snapped.

"Yes, Ma'am,” they said in unison.

"This is serious. I can't have strange minions of the undead trying to kill my Sweetums,” Luna said.

"Let them. It'll serve him right for being a smeg-head,” Stud snapped.

"Good. Once he's dead, I'm sure Breathred's dad won't sell you to Jerry Springer,” Luna fumed. “Or Martha Stewart. You know how he loves her."

"Yeah, yeah, we got to keep the smeg-head alive,” Stud agreed, reluctantly.

"Be nice, or I'll throw your
Red Dwarf
DVDs away.” Luna shook her finger in warning.

Breathred chose to ignore Stud. “So what should we do?"

"I don't know. I think it's curious they start coming around just as we start working for Doctor Grayson."

"You think they know about the tablet?” Breathred asked.

"It's a distinct possibility. That means Dr. Grayson has a mole in her team leaking information to the vampires."

"That's it. I'm out. Screw the money,” Stud said, climbing over the back of the booth.

"Sit back down. Even if you stay here, the vamps know you're with Breathred, and they'll come after you anyway. The best place for you is with us, where we can watch out for each other.” Luna patted Stud's hand.

"Seems to me, you kids've bought more trouble than you can pay for,” Edith added.

"Well, I'm not backing down. I gave Doctor Grayson my word I'd help her, and I'm not going to let her down. It wouldn't be honorable,” Breathred said, firmly.

"He's right. We gave our word, so we're in it up to our necks. That said, we need to come up with some kind of plan to keep us alive until we leave on Monday,” Luna said, agreeing with Breathred.

"Ya'll just need to worry about night time. Vampires can't get you during the day. Plus, it appears to me if they knew who you were, they'd have tried to get you at your house, Breathred, instead of at the mall,” Edith stated.

"She's right. We can all bunk at your house during the night. If we each take a watch, nobody can get in without us knowing about it,” Luna said excitedly.

"You mean, like me and you asleep in the same room, together?” Breathred asked, shooting up from his seat.

"Calm down, Hot Stuff. Just because we're going steady, doesn't mean you get the Grand Tour.” Luna gave him a wink that made the red come rushing back.

"Well, I didn't ... uh, that is to say...” Breathred finally just shut up. He was afraid someone would explain what the Grand Tour was, and he wasn't sure if he could handle the truth.

"Don't tease him like that, Luna. He'd go blind, just trying to find it.” Stud laughed.

"I would not. I know where to—” Breathred began.

Luna and Edith turned to look at him, each of the women giving him the evil eye. Breathred closed his mouth and sat back down. This girlfriend business was harder than it looked.

"Anyway, the first thing to do is get to your place before anybody else decides to come after us,” Luna said. Breathred was grateful for her interruption and didn't mind the fact it took the heat off him.

"How do we know those pointed-tooth freaks aren't outside waiting? I for one ain't in the mood to be some vampire's midnight snack,” Stud snapped.

"He's got a good point.” Breathred hated to agree.

"Look, if they're out there, it means they saw you come in. So, all we have to do is get you out of here without them seeing you,” Edith advised.

"Look, Toots. Unless you got Houdini up your skirt, that ain't gonna happen,” Stud snickered.

"Smart-ass monkeys ought to keep their mouths shut, before I add chilled monkey brains to the menu,” Edith snarled. “You can go out the back way."

"That won't do any good, they'll be watching that way too,” Breathred offered.

"Not if I park my Lettus GT by the back door,” Edith said, letting out a cackle.

"Excuse me, but what's a Lettus GT?” Breathred asked.

"An Escort with delusions of grandeur,” Edith wheezed through another round of laughter.

"Be that as it may, she's right. If she parks right by the back door, we can get in with nobody seeing us,” Luna said.

"Let's do it. My ass is itching for some attention, if you know what I mean,” Stud said, jumping on top of the table.

"Luna, take them through the back, while I get Cindy to take the rest of my shift,” Edith said, as she pushed away from the table.

Luna led them through the swinging door into the kitchen. She heard Edith's booming voice telling Cindy to close out. She looked over at Breathred. The big lug just blushed and pushed ahead of her. She had to take it easy on him. The poor confused dear was so fragile it hurt.

That was okay. As soon as this business was over, she'd set him to rights. Momma always said if you couldn't break them in the first month, they were too stupid to keep.

Leopold was waiting. Lewis knew it as soon as he walked through the door. Waiting was bad. It meant his master knew everything. So, he missed bagging the prize. Tough shit. It wasn't like the fruit cup was going anywhere. He'd try again ... with better help.

"Lewis, come here,” Leopold said in a cold voice.

Now, this wasn't good. Leo never pulled the dead voice unless he was pissed. He could run and come back later, when Leo had a chance to cool down. On second thought, he had better face the music now. No sense in letting it get any worse than it had to be.

"Yo, Leopold, what ya need?"

"You went out to play and didn't tell me. I had to hear about your escapade from the vermin you run with. How do you think this makes me feel?” The vampire lord's voice droned from the shadows.

"I don't know. Glad I put forth a little initiative?” Lewis quipped.

"No, hurt. That's how I feel. Hurt someone I trust could leave me out of the loop. What's worse, this little piece of street trash tells me you failed.” Leopold emerged from the darkness.

"Look, Leo. He had muscle I didn't know about."

"Yes, let me see. What was it? Oh, yes. A girl and a monkey. You got your ass handed to you by a virgin, a girl and a monkey. Do you care to tell me just how that happened?"

Lewis tried to explain. “He had these freaky powers."

"Of course he did. If you had taken the time to listen to me, you would have known he would be protected. But the big bad pimp daddy had to know best. Didn't you?” Leopold screamed.

"Yes, sir,” Lewis whimpered.

"But I forgive you. Do you know why?"

"No, Leopold."

"Because, now I know he's here. I can track him. Your little playmate gave me this before he reached his final reward.” Leopold held up a bloody glove. “I won't ask you if you know what it is. Instead, I'll tell you. It's his blood. Even diluted as it is, I can smell its purity. With this, there is no place he can hide from me."

"That's good, right?"

"Very good. We're beyond this other mess, so we'll forget it. It never happened. Are we clear?” Leopold asked.

Lewis knew better than to speak. This was Leopold's show now.

"Now, Lewis I have another question that needs answering. You'll tell me the truth won't you?"

Lewis squirmed afraid to say anything. In this mood Leopold was liable to do anything. He hadn't seen him like this before. In the end he decided to play along.

"Sure, man. You know me. Always willing to help."

"Do you think this coat goes with this shirt?"

[Back to Table of Contents]

Freshly turned earth is the first sign something might not be quite right.

Breathred hadn't slept all night. It wasn't that he wasn't sleepy, because he was. The thought of sleeping in the same room, let alone at the exact same time as Luna, was so frightening he considered locking himself in the bathroom until morning. Breathred dismissed the idea early on. From the bathroom it would be impossible to watch for vampires.

So, for the entire night Breathred sat in his chair and stared at the six-by-eighteen-inch window that filtered light into his humble abode. Except for three dogs and countless hookers, no one bothered their rest. Dawn shifted wordlessly into the room, ending his lonely vigil.

Breathred yawned, but made no move to rise. He wanted to go to sleep, wanted it more than anything else, more than the most vaulted
Spider-Man Issue #129
. The exhausted slayer knew he wouldn't be reaching any level of sleep today. There was just too much to do, starting with getting the rest of their stuff together.

Through sleep-clouded eyes he looked over to where Luna lay sleeping. Her hair was unfurled about her head. The frugal sunlight from the slender basement window washed across her face. Breathred smiled. Something about the way she looked made her appear almost angelic.

This wasn't the first time Breathred had noticed that about her. All through the night he took the time to watch her. Not to say he was stalking her. He just wanted to make sure she was still breathing. You never knew when something as simple as a hangnail could bloom into a full blown sporadic coma. You read about it all the time in the
Daily Globe
. Being a boyfriend was so new to him Breathred didn't want to take the chance of her expiring before he became whipped. Stud seemed to think whippedness was the most important part of being a boyfriend, so Breathred was willing to give it his all.