Missing the Big Picture (26 page)

I am lucky in the fact that I haven’t heard any voices in my mind since college. I stopped taking psychotropic drugs and going to my psychiatry appointments in 2003.

In other aspects, I’m still very much a work in progress. It wasn’t until recently that I told my aunt, mother, and stepfather that I was gay. Thankfully, they were supportive. I’ve never actually had anyone yet reject me because I am gay. I still haven’t found myself in a healthy relationship, but maybe someday I will be. I’m just glad that the one person I know who I could never imagine accepting my sexual orientation finally does; that person is me. After fourteen years, I realized there was no way out of this, so I just better live the life that I was meant to live and be proud of it.

The best part of my life now is that, for the first time at almost thirty years old, I don’t have any secrets I have to keep from anybody. When I was younger, I couldn’t tell my friends about my grandmother’s mental illness. Then I began to hear my own voices, as well as feel my same-sex attraction, all of which I kept bottled up for years.

In the beginning of my story, I said that I lived most of my life with no self-respect, little compassion for others, and an extremely negative and judgmental attitude. So what causes all of the things I just mentioned? I blame the letter
I
, or what I call the “I Factors.” I don’t think just one isolated thing could cause this; I think it’s a combination of many factors, which I’ve listed here.

The first
I
is
Ideology.
To me, ideology is a collection of beliefs. Nowhere does it say that you have to go to your prom, get married, have children, go to college, and get a good job. Many people have religious and political ideologies, but the more that people stick to their beliefs and refuse to branch out, the more prejudices and stereotypes will occur.

My second
I
is
Idolization.
In high school, I had so many issues with my classmates because Eric had a huge following. Most of the students thought that he walked on water and would believe everything he said. I believe that nurturing people is similar to taking care of a plant. For all the gardeners out there, you know it’s important to water plants and give them attention; well, it’s the same with people. Most gardeners also realize that giving a plant too much water and exposure to the sun can be just as hazardous as giving a plant no water at all and keeping it in the dark. I think people are similar. Everybody needs love and attention, but I also believe that spoiling people too much, allowing them to believe that the sun revolves around them, and letting poor behaviors slide are just as detrimental to people’s growth as abusing or neglecting them. There are countless stories and Lifetime movies out there about people brainwashed by another person to do something horrible because they simply idolized the person too much and just couldn’t say no—especially men. Remember David Graham, who in 1995 killed another girl because his girlfriend, Diane Zamora, was jealous of her? Eric Menendez went along with his brother and killed his parents in 1989. Also in 1989, a group of New Jersey football players were accused of shoving foreign objects into a mentally disabled woman’s vagina. According to Bernard Lefkowitz’s
Our Guys
, it was years before the boys faced any criminal charges since their status as football players protected them from being arrested.
⁵

In my own life, I have seen time and time again people who put their friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends on pedestals and believed that those people were perfect. Life is nothing without love, but you don’t have to like and agree with every single thing that your parents/friends/boyfriend/girlfriend wants you to. If he or she really loves you, the person won’t put you in situations you don’t need to be in.

The next
I
is
Inappreciative.
Before working in healthcare and the human services field, I pitied myself. Nobody is guaranteed anything, and most people can’t make exorbitant amounts of money. It’s sad when people don’t realize what good things they have in their lives. Life is work, and a relationship is work. Everybody needs to put equal amounts of time in and be thankful when there’s a positive outcome.

Another
I
that kept me from fully enjoying my life was that I was easily
Intimidated
by everybody I knew. When I was in school, I was intimidated by anybody who had better grades than me, more friends than me, or more self-confidence than me. I definitely was intimidated by the Saint John’s community. The more intimidated that I was, the less I acted like myself and the more I tried to be like them.

Being intimidated led me to think that I was
Inferior
to everybody else—the next
I.
The reason why my high school years were miserable was because I thought I was worthless. I was single and a virgin. I wasn’t an athlete. In my mind, nothing else could make up for those flaws. When I worked with the developmentally disabled, I had a resident who actually wrote a note to the members of her congregation, saying, “Why does everyone in this church ignore me? I am just as good as everyone else.” It was sad that even though I was her caretaker, she fully understood this concept and I still had difficulty learning it.

Another huge element that prevented me from obtaining happiness was that I always cared what people thought, very similar to David Elkind’s notion of the
Imaginary Audience,
in which teenagers have this false notion that others are looking at them and judging their behavior.
⁶
I wish I could say that I just thought about this in high school, but from co-workers to my parents, I always thought everybody was going to notice what I was going to do and judge me based on it. When she was trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding, my mother once said, “Well, the people who are going to judge you by your dress are the people you don’t want to be your friends anyway.”

As I grew older, I began to realize that just comparing myself to other people wouldn’t work. What impact was I supposed to have on people? Why do all these horrible things happen to me and my family? I had an absentee father, a mentally ill grandmother, and mean friends growing up. I also suffered from mental illness, and I’m gay. There has to be a silver lining. Why did all of this have to happen to me? Then I began to think that life isn’t about trying to get what you can from other people or having people like you; it’s more like a school.

So, life is like a school, and we are all students in the school of life. Just like any school, I believe there are times when we are tested through series of moral dilemmas. Should we do the morally responsible thing or be accepted? There are two of the biggest tests to take: how we react when bad things happen to us, and how we put up with things that we don’t like. Everybody has always wanted an answer to the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” My answer is that good people don’t always see things as bad; they see them as opportunities to help. In a perfect world, there would be no human suffering—but then there wouldn’t be any awards of peace or service, and very few individuals would be warmhearted, because why would anybody need to help anybody else out?

I also think our lives are like writing research papers. I had an instructor in college who told me, “The best research papers are those that are coherent, have strong arguments, and show independent thought.” I think the best people are those who are the most coherent; have a very small gap between their beliefs and their actions; are assertive, not passive or aggressive; and have their own independent thoughts.

For anybody to write a high-quality research paper, he or she must use many sources. I have lived my life getting to know people of all different backgrounds, races, creeds, and beliefs. I went to an affluent Catholic school and worked part time at McDonald’s. I think most problems are caused by using one source to write a research paper. That’s why I try to surround myself with many different kinds of people, even people who are different and disagree with me.

Having good self-esteem is a huge factor in maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Many times our self-esteem comes from the people surrounding us. The laws of probability claim that the more people we surround ourselves with, the more influences we will have, and the greater the chance that a negative source will try to diminish our self-esteem. In fact, I often think the people I’ve met are just like food. Unfortunately, I think some of the bullies in my life were like junk food. They were really bad for me, but I knew it and still choose to hang out with them.

My second analogy is comparing our interactions and lives to driving and cars. There are many different cars out there; in fact, it can be overwhelming to choose one. Just like streets and highways offer many ways to get to a destination, it’s important to remember that in life there will be tons of different options, some of which are unconventional. My favorite part of this analogy is that just like when you’re driving, you want to remain in control. We wouldn’t let anybody drive our car without our permission; hopefully, the same thing goes for our major life decisions.

I also compare living life to a day at an amusement park. Most amusement parks have roller coasters or other rides that everybody wants to go on, but the lesser known rides can be just as fun. The roller coasters have many highs, but the same amount of lows. Most people are attracted to the roller coasters, or the people who have the best personalities, the most money, the best looks, and other socially desirable characteristics. More often than not, we forget that there are a whole bunch of other people—rides that aren’t as immediately appealing—that may not be our first pick, but may be a whole lot of fun. So maybe the people who we originally desire may not be available to us, but there are many people—just like rides in the amusement park—who are waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. People have to look for them, just like they have to look for the rides in an amusement park.

In another manner, think how people normally manage their time at a day at the amusement park. Just like in life, the amusement park will soon close for the day, so you have limited time to do everything. It’s impossible to visit every roller coaster or ride, and if somebody did, he or she might not have enough time on each ride to enjoy it to the fullest extent. Compare this to how we plan our days. There is so much we try to do in a short time frame that our children, significant others, and important activities receive insufficient attention.

So, for anybody planning to attend an amusement park soon, I suggest picking out only some of the main attractions, and then really taking the time to enjoy them, rather than trying to do everything. Now for those who of you who don’t have time for Six Flags or the Magic Kingdom and just want the metaphor: you don’t have time to give to everything or be everything, so instead just focus on a couple aspects of your life that you truly enjoy.

Now, no matter how much fun we’re having at an amusement park, we always need to take breaks or we’d end up barfing all over the rides. We all have times in our lives that are just boring, but we need these times to collect our thoughts, take breaks, and just enjoy life. Nobody is ever perpetually happy; everybody goes through depressed states from time to time.

Another thing that I have learned is that attitudes, especially bad attitudes, are very contagious. We are all impressionable, and we inherit our parents’ positive characteristics—but also many of their negative qualities, too. If somebody you know came down with the flu, you would want the person to get better—and maybe not get too close to you for fear that you, too, could become ill. My point is to keep a measurable distance between people in order to prevent their problems from becoming your problems. Many families have people who bring their work home with them. Suddenly if Dad or Mom had a bad day, the kids might develop negative attitudes as a result. Stay away from people who only give off negative attitudes.

Finally, a book about my upbringing wouldn’t be complete without mentioning some of the people whose stories I have found very uplifting. The media can be influential in forming judgments and opinions. I wouldn’t be writing a book if I didn’t feel that way. Here are just a few people who I find to be worthy of admiration:

Mary Jo Buttafuoco: I admire this former Long Island housewife mainly for the compassion that she showed to Amy Fisher, the woman who shot her. In 1999, Mary Jo was able to help Amy get out of prison and actually testified at Amy’s parole hearing in Amy’s favor
⁷
. I mention this story because many people just made fun of the situation or labeled the key players as “white trash.” I see it as a woman, Mary Jo, who has so much strength, warmth, and forgiveness that she can actually go on television and help somebody who left her partially deaf and made her and her children a joke for comedians to use for years. She eventually left her husband and wrote a book about recognizing the signs of dealing with a psychopath. Mary Jo does not receive enough credit for her compassion.

Bill Cosby: Cosby has always been one of my favorite comedians. Cosby used humor to help erase ignorance, prejudice, and stereotypes about African Americans. Carren Moham, an assistant professor of music at Illinois Wesleyan University, has said about the
Cosby Show,
“This was one of
the
first shows on TV that showed African-Americans doing something else besides being maids and drug addicts and dope dealers and that sort of thing,” Moham also adds, “It shows them being professionals.
⁸
” While some African American comedians joke about black stereotypes, Cosby was able to fight the stereotypes that keep some of them down.

Ellen DeGeneres: My mother was a huge fan of Ellen DeGeneres in the midnineties before Ellen announced to the world that she was gay. My mother stopped watching the show after Ellen came out, because, according to my mother, “It wasn’t because she was gay; it was because the show changed and it was all about being gay.” My mother said she knew all along that Ellen was a lesbian because she was a horrible dresser. Then, when Ellen had another television show, my mother had to give her a second chance but said, “Oh well—it’s just all about her being gay again.”