Mishap Marriage (20 page)

‘A bastard,’ Zack provided quietly, watching her face closely for her reaction. He was not flippant about it, but serious and troubled. But he showed no shame or embarrassment, not even any regret, except for the pain he had caused his wife.

‘Yes, although it is not a word I like.’

‘Nor I.’

‘How old is your daughter?’

‘She will be four years old come July.’

‘And does she favour you?’

Zack hadn’t expected her to ask that, but he answered it honestly. ‘A little—she has my eyes. But she resembles her mother in other ways.’

‘And when you refused to marry me when I asked you, it was because you were planning—hoping—to give your daughter your name by marrying her mother, in the event of her elderly husband having passed away.’ When he cast her a sharp, enquiring look she smiled bitterly. ‘Aunt Augusta put me in the picture when I asked her about Lady Donnington. But that was the reason, wasn’t it, Zack? You intended to marry her.’ It was a statement.

Zack frowned, his expression grave as he considered her question. ‘I confess that there was a time when I seriously contemplated returning to England and marrying Caroline when old Donnington passed on, to try to salvage something out of our relationship for Victoria’s sake. The trouble was,’ he murmured, his voice husky as his gaze settled lovingly on her face, ‘I never expected my decision to be beset by anything as powerful and consuming as a lovely young woman called Shona McKenzie. For the first time in my life I was at the mercy of my emotions, when reason and intelligence were powerless.’

Deeply moved by his words, Shona swallowed down the emotional lump that had risen in her throat. ‘You—you don’t love her, do you, Zack?’

He shook his head. ‘No. I have never felt love for her—and she has none for me. I don’t want to marry Caroline. I was driven to it out of necessity.’

‘But you would have married her all the same—had you not married me and had Lady Donnington not taken a lover.’

‘To claim my daughter—that was what I intended.’

‘And you have known Lady Donnington for some time?’

He nodded, his face grim. ‘Yes, but not well. She was a friend of a friend. Her upbringing was stricter than most. We were never close. When I came home after a long voyage, she had married Donnington. He was an old man, a mean, arrogant, impotent man, who resented the loss of his youth. He married Caroline to feed his vanity. I found her alone one day—lonely, unhappy and weeping.’

‘And you comforted her.’ He nodded. ‘And one thing led to another.’

‘Something like that. We—’

‘Please,’ Shona interrupted sharply, her voice trembling with anger. ‘I don’t need to be given a more explicit explanation of what occurred between you. I can picture it clearly—a beautiful desperately lonely woman, an elderly husband and a strong, virile man. Oh, yes,’ she scoffed, unable to conceal her bitterness, ‘I understand very well. When you realised I was your wife you should have had our marriage annulled. Lady Donnington is the mother of your child. Despite any obstacles, you should have reconciled yourself with her and put your daughter first—both of you. I happen to believe that a child belongs with both its parents. I’m sorry I put you in this predicament,’ she said on a calmer note. ‘Do you intend for Victoria to live with us?’

Zack’s eyes scrutinised her face as he wondered how to tell her that since Victoria’s own mother didn’t want her, this was what he intended. ‘The situation is complicated.’

There was a look in his eyes that alerted Shona. ‘Zack, you can’t take a child from its mother.’

‘I won’t be. Victoria doesn’t live with Caroline. Her husband refused to allow Victoria to live in his house. Rather than leave him and her assumed inheritance on his death, Caroline fostered our daughter out.’

Shona stared at him. Suddenly she glimpsed in his eyes the pain of a man deeply wounded. In their depths she saw a plea, though she was not sure what he was pleading for. She tried to conceal the shock she felt, unable to understand how a woman could abandon her child to a foster mother, but without success. ‘That is quite shocking. A child belongs with its mother.’

‘Normally that would be the case. Caroline doesn’t see it that way. Victoria’s future is something that has to be decided, but for her sake it is important that you and I are united. Since her mother doesn’t want her, it is my intention that she makes her home with us in a secure and loving family environment.’

Shona was deeply saddened that Lady Donnington had put position and wealth above the happiness of her daughter. ‘I see. In fact, I’m beginning to see it all now—and why you seduced me into your bed,’ she uttered with a sudden burst of resentment for the hurt he had caused her, regretting her remark the moment it passed her lips when she reminded herself of Zack’s own suffering.

‘I took you to my bed because you are my wife and a very sensual woman. From the moment we met I was attracted to you. I wanted you—very badly, Shona. Don’t deny that you felt the same. The moment I looked into your eyes I knew it. Caroline couldn’t hold a candle.’

‘Perhaps I did know it,’ she admitted, ‘but your purpose has become clear to me now. This is why you wouldn’t have our marriage annulled—so that I could be a stepmother to your daughter. Is this why you took me to your bed, to make it harder for me to leave you?’

‘You are mistaken if you think that. It is the future that counts, Shona. We are man and wife and we’ll have to make the best of it.’ Realising how insensitive he sounded, he added quickly, ‘We didn’t have the best beginning, I know, but we can make a fresh start.’

‘I assume that because you and Lady Donnington walk with your daughter openly in the park, it is acknowledged that she is your daughter.’

Zack nodded. ‘I don’t care what society thinks. I am not proud of my conduct, Shona. But I have paid for my sin in my own way. I am still paying,’ he remarked quietly, almost as an afterthought. ‘Until now, repressing the rumours meant I could not lavish affection on my offspring, which is a father’s right.’

‘Perhaps you should have thought of that before you took Lady Donnington to your bed,’ Shona retorted. Was it her feelings for him that made such bitter jealousy twist her heart? ‘I understand the way of the world and that many ladies have doubtless met this same situation many times and shrugged it off with a smile and a witty phrase. I cannot do that and I am not ashamed of it. Everything inside me recoils from doing so.’

A shutter came down over her eyes and Zack was shocked as she turned her face away sharply. It was then that the first shivers of disquiet began to feather themselves down the length of his spine. He was concerned. He knew of stepmothers who loathed the very sight of their husband’s offspring, be it to a previous wife or mistress, and would have nothing to do with them. He prayed to God that this was not the case with Shona. It had not occurred to him that she might not want Victoria, that she might see her as a burden she would be forced to endure.

In the space of a second the realisation that this might apply to Shona stunned him. His body became taut, his face a hard, grinding mask, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he tried to bring his feelings under control. Was the sweet drift of happiness he had felt on finding Shona again and becoming reconciled under threat once more?
Dear Lord,
he prayed in twisted torment,
don’t let me have to choose between my wife and my daughter.

He looked at her. His face was expressionless. His eyes were empty, a dark emptiness that told Shona nothing of what he felt. ‘Whatever hardships I have suffered, I cannot wish the damage undone, for to do that would be to wish my daughter had never been born. To my regret I was not able to save her from the stigma of illegitimacy. I can’t give her up, Shona,’ he said with quiet anguish. ‘I will not.’

Shona could feel the raw emotion in him throbbing in her own veins. His words seemed to be a warning to her, final—
Do not interfere. I protect and keep what is mine.
She thought back to seeing him in the park with Lady Donnington. The memory of them together with their daughter between them was too intimate, too painful to bear. She lifted her chin and clasped her gloved hands tightly in front of her as she always did in moments of stress.

‘Do you think I am so cruel, so heartless, that I would ask you to? I would never ask that of you.’ Her own voice was husky with emotion. She thought it must have reassured him, for his intense expression relaxed infinitesimally.

Zack seemed deeply troubled. Shona looked at him, ready to do, or be, whatever he wished. She was young, but despite this she knew how to deal with loss and sorrow and her heart was warm and compassionate. She longed to offer words of comfort, but Zack Fitzgerald was a man always in control of his own emotions. Even now when they had been as close as two people could be, she would hesitate to probe into his thoughts. She wanted to believe his assurances, but she was still uneasy about his relationship with Lady Donnington. She was so beautiful. But this wasn’t the only issue. The woman shared something with Zack that she, Shona, couldn’t. A daughter.

A picture of the little girl she had seen in the park crept into her mind. She had been so lovely, so sweet, so full of life as she had skipped about. Lowering her eyes, she tried to get hold of her emotions, ashamed because they were so unadmirable. It wasn’t commendable to be jealous of a small child just because she could command Zack’s affection. Nor was it commendable to envy a woman her daughter. But she couldn’t deny that she would have liked to have claimed Zack’s love, or that she would have liked to have his daughter as her own.

‘There isn’t time to discuss this properly just now,’ Zack said briskly. ‘It’s time we left. We will talk after the theatre.’

Shona nodded. At least by then she would have had time to collect herself. ‘Before we go, I have something to give you.’ She took an object wrapped in fine fabric from her reticule and handed it to him. ‘You left it in my chamber at Melrose Hill. I’m sorry. I should have returned it to you sooner.’

Unwrapping it carefully, holding it gently in his hand, Zack gazed down at the locket. ‘Thank you.’ Something moved in the depths of his eyes. Without opening it, he said, ‘It’s a lock of Victoria’s hair.’ He shoved it in his pocket, unaware how thankful Shona was to hear him say that—that it belonged to the child and not the mother as she had always believed.

* * *

Shona managed to school her facial muscles into a semblance of equanimity as she stepped out of the coach at the Covent Garden theatre. The vision of pale gowns and glittering jewels was strangely blurred. She placed her fingers, which seemed to be trembling suddenly, in the waiting hand. With his composure held tightly about him as Zack escorted her into the theatre, she was still striving to throw off the odd feeling of unreality. At all costs, she must find something to interest her, she must try at least to look as if she was enjoying the play.

On meeting Harry and Miranda in the foyer, she turned a dazzling, forced smile on them, forcing herself to make polite conversation as they passed through the throngs of people on their way to their private box.

With her eyes fixed firmly on the stage, she sat with her arms pressed to her sides, her gloved hands folded in her lap. She was glad of the play. It meant she didn’t have to speak to anyone. She had married Zack in the full knowledge that he did not love her, but the magic they had spun in the privacy of his bedroom had delighted her. She had given him her heart, but she supposed he was not aware of it. She had hoped he would come to love her, to give her his whole self, that inner self a man gives to one woman, only to find another woman had prior claim to that—and his daughter.

Turning her head slightly to her husband seated on her right, she noticed that his face was taut, his expression grim. His eyes were empty, a glacial grey emptiness that told her nothing of what he felt. As she sensed his dejection her throat tightened. Perhaps it would be better if she were to ask him again to set her free, but as soon as this thought entered her mind, she realised how bleak her future would be without him. With misery stabbing at her heart, she continued to look at the stage through a blur of tears.

Chapter Eleven

Z
ack was frustrated by the shuttered look that forbade any insight into his wife’s thoughts as she focused her eyes on the stage. In the simple elegance of her golden silk gown, his breath caught in his throat as he watched the irresistible curve of her lips and the brilliance of her green eyes as they gazed at the performers.

Yet there was something remote and detached in the attitude of this dazzling creature. Observing her closely, he saw there was something mechanical in the smile pinned to her face. The love, the warmth and the passion that he had roused in her and had flourished in the times they had been together over the past few days had become frozen into this beautiful effigy. But he had never seen her look so provocatively lovely, so regal, glamorous and bewitching—and she belonged to him.

But did she?

Her remoteness told him that her feelings were no different now than they had been when he had told her about Victoria. Did she really want nothing to do with him or his daughter?

Regret surged upwards within him and was so intense, he was nearly taken aback by surprise. When he’d hatched out his plan to trick Shona on Santamaria, he had never dreamed he’d come to care so deeply for her since that time, but it seemed his reluctance to have their marriage invalidated was all for naught. He realised he had been foolhardy to nurture even a slender thread of optimism that she might wish their marriage to continue and could come to feel some wifely fondness for him and come to accept and love his daughter.

His thwarted aspirations were further sundered by a wilful pride that set his jaw to snapping. Maybe he had expected too much after all.

* * *

Finding herself alone with Miranda during the interval when Zack and Harry made themselves scarce, refusing to disgrace herself by revealing any of her emotions, Shona gave her a polite smile that was neither cool nor warm.

If Miranda noticed anything different in Shona’s demeanour, she didn’t show it, but she had an apology to make and it was long overdue. ‘I’m glad of the opportunity to speak with you alone, Shona,’ she said, her eyes filled with an odd kind of regret as they searched Shona’s. ‘I want to apologise for my outspoken remark when we met yesterday and beg your forgiveness. I hardly slept last night for thinking of the harm I might have caused between you and Zack. I really shouldn’t have mentioned Caroline Donnington.’

Momentarily confused about the social technicalities of how she ought properly to respond to an apology from a viscountess, Shona gave up worrying about protocol and did what she could to soothe her obvious unease. ‘Please don’t trouble yourself about it,’ she said with soft sincerity. ‘Zack’s association with Lady Donnington is not unknown to me—although I had no idea they had a daughter together until tonight.’

Miranda nodded, unsmiling, observing a deep sadness and forlorn look in Shona’s wide eyes, and her instinct told her she was looking at an extremely unhappy young woman. ‘That was remiss of him.’ She laid a gentle hand on Shona’s arm. ‘I can’t imagine how you must have felt, but you must have been terribly shocked. Shona, I think I know what is troubling you. But be assured that my brother-in-law will not dishonour his marriage vows with a mistress—even if that woman does happen to be the mother of his child.’

Shona felt her lower lip begin to tremble. Despairingly she turned her face away and drew in a deep breath to keep the tears from coming. ‘Oh, Miranda, she is so beautiful.’ The words were dredged from her throat, as if her fears had to be spoken out loud.

‘You are underestimating your appeal. She is not as beautiful as you are.’

After a long moment, Shona got hold of herself and looked at her. ‘Why is it,’ she said with quiet vehemence, ‘that I feel such...such resentment for Lady Donnington?’

Miranda chuckled. ‘Because you’re human, Shona, and you see your claim on your man being threatened. If you have the sense I think you do, you will fight for him.’

Shona stared at her. ‘Fight? I was just contemplating asking him for a divorce.’

‘Please don’t do that. I doubt he would grant you one if you did.’

‘Are you usually so frank and outspoken, Miranda?’

‘It’s my nature. Dear Harry scolds me about it all the time. Zack doesn’t love Caroline—and with good reason. She has a lover, don’t forget.’

Somehow this didn’t quite console Shona. ‘And now Zack has reappeared on the scene, will she cast aside her present lover in favour of Zack—the father of her child?’

‘As to that, you will have to speak to him. Caroline Donnington’s life has not always been a happy one, Shona. She is not all she seems.’

Shona glanced at her curiously. Zack had told her that Lady Donnington had married Lord Donnington against her will. She wondered how much Miranda knew about her, but she did not press her on the matter. ‘Zack loves his daughter.’

‘That’s not the same thing and, God willing, you’ll soon have a child of your own.’

Shona felt herself flushing. ‘At the moment, bearing Zack’s child seems highly unlikely.’

‘It will be while you occupy separate houses. It’s most unsatisfactory. If you carry on in this vein, you will both be dreadfully unhappy.’ She gave Shona a look of cool scepticism. ‘You do want him, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do. But what can I do? I cannot dominate him. I do not know how—and nor do I wish to.’

‘Nonsense. You’re a woman, Shona—and a woman can assert an inordinate power over a man if she can find a chink in his armour and push through.’

‘Unfortunately our relationship took a knock this evening. When he told me about Lady Donnington and his daughter, I’m afraid I was not favourably receptive to the news. Naturally Zack was angry—as well as shocked and surprised by my reaction.’

‘That is so like him. You wounded his male ego. Zack is marked with a proud arrogance and indomitable will. When their manhood is involved, men are such weak creatures. Believe me, my dear, being several years older than you and experienced enough, I know what I say.’

‘I’m sure you do. I am prepared to expend all the patience I possess on breaking down the barriers that exist between us—namely Lady Donnington.’

‘Of course you are, and if you learn to dominate him by his senses there is no reason why you cannot obtain what your heart desires most. It is just a matter of determination and application, and of careful ministering to the embers that glow within Zack. A beautiful woman can always work her will on a man and her arms are a powerful weapon when they embrace him. There comes a moment when his self-defence yields to his sensual desire,’ Miranda said softly, her eyes twinkling wickedly. ‘A clever and experienced woman can turn that into an advantage.’

Shona grimaced wryly. ‘Experienced I most certainly am not, and at this moment I have my doubts about being clever.’ She sighed.

‘Rubbish!’ Miranda exclaimed, not unkindly. ‘I do not believe that for one moment. You strike me as being an extremely clever young woman. I think you should come and stay with us until you move into your house. I’ll speak to Harry and we will arrange for you to move in tomorrow.’

Shona smiled for the first time as she shook her head. Harry must love his wife dearly. It was easy to guess what any man of discernment saw in such a generous, loving woman. ‘Thank you,’ she said simply, with gratitude for being accepted so unquestionably. ‘You have been very kind. From the time I spent at school in Hertfordshire, I know Colonists are often regarded unflatteringly as being ill-bred barbarians and I am sure you and your husband must have wondered what could have possessed Zack to marry one of them.’

‘We can see why he did, Shona, and I am so glad.’

Nothing else was said, for at that moment Zack and Harry returned to take their places for the second half of the play. As the actors came back on to the stage, Shona was determined to make a concerted effort to somehow put things right between her and Zack before the night was over. If it meant unconditional surrender on her part, then so be it. She loved Zack too much to carry on this unpleasant argument about his daughter.

The idea of being with Zack, of being a proper wife, brought a soft smile to her lips.
Wife.
The word had a wonderful ring to it. A glow warmed her as she remembered his refusal to seek a divorce. It was what she had hoped for, a chance to prove to Zack that he hadn’t made a terrible mistake in marrying her. Perhaps their relationship would be different now they had both accepted their marriage.

* * *

When the time came for them to leave the theatre, pleasantries were exchanged with Miranda and Harry as they waited for their carriages to draw up. When Shona was alone at last with Zack in the coach, drawing a deep breath and sinking into the upholstery, gazing across at his handsome face cast in shadow, she realised she really had fallen in love with him. That alone explained the delightful warm glow, the excited quivery feeling.

He was a dark, brooding presence in the confines of the coach, and he wore the same grim expression he had when they had been arguing over Lady Donnington and Victoria. Uncertain of his mood after their angry and extremely bitter exchange earlier, which had opened up so many painful wounds between them, she stole a surreptitious look at him.

‘Did—did you enjoy the play?’ she stammered for want of something to say to break the awkward silence. She was extremely uncomfortable with the dark way he was regarding her, his gaze narrowed and assessing.

‘Not particularly. Did you?’

‘I—I found it difficult to concentrate,’ she admitted quietly.

‘And why was that?’

‘Because of what happened between us before that.’

‘You certainly had plenty to say. Are you sorry?’

‘Of course not.’

‘Then there’s nothing more to be said. But I won’t apologise for Victoria, Shona. She’s an important part of my life.’

‘I do accept that, Zack. I am not heartless. If I upset you, then I apologise, but I do not retract one word. During the interval I spoke to Miranda. She—she is of the opinion that I should move out of Aunt Augusta’s house and move in with you. She is bound to raise the matter with you. I—I just want you to be prepared.’

‘Harry has suggested it.’

Zack fell silent. Distracted, he raised his head and studied his wife from beneath sceptical raised brows, unable to prevent his eyes moving over her shapely form and appreciating the subtle scent of her alluring perfume, which settled over him like an invisible, unrelenting net. His gaze became riveted on her lovely face, the softness in her large eyes and the delectable curve of her soft lips.

Shona was surprised that he hadn’t more to say on the subject since, after showing her his house, he’d been voluble on his determination to have her move in with him.

‘From your reaction, you...don’t think it a good idea, do you?’ she ventured. Was it her imagination or did he stiffen?

‘Since you ask, Shona, I have it in mind to suggest that we give ourselves time to think over our relationship before actually proceeding one way or the other.’

They stared at each other for a long moment. Shona’s eyes began to flash quietly. She would not beg him to live with her. Nor would she back down. Finally she broke the tense silence. ‘I see—in which case I will go with Aunt Augusta in the morning when she leaves with Thomas to go to his parish in Berkshire.’

‘Of course, your aunt and your cousin take precedence,’ Zack replied snidely.

Shona was overwhelmed by his sarcasm. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to be calm. Lifting her gaze to the carefully hooded eyes that studied her closely in return, how, she wondered, could she tell him what she had decided, that she intended to fight for their marriage? There was a strange silence while she searched about in her mind for something to say, but he turned his head away.

‘I—I had hoped...’ she murmured in a feeble attempt to find out why he didn’t want her to live with him.

‘What?’

She sighed. ‘Nothing.’

Suddenly going to Berkshire didn’t seem such a bad idea after all. How could she have imagined he might have put behind him their bitter words of earlier! He was cold and cynical and hard, and he had a vicious, unpredictable temper. No man could make love to a woman one day, only to turn cold and hateful a day later because she disagreed with him. Didn’t he know that he meant more to her than her trip to Berkshire? Couldn’t he understand that she was desperately, hopelessly in love with him? Or had he foolishly imagined that because she had reacted badly to his disclosure about Lady Donnington and his daughter that she wanted no part of him? If he had, then he was both blind and witless! She allowed the hurt she felt and her impatience with such a notion to be conveyed with her own practicality.

‘Aunt Augusta is naturally concerned about Thomas’s decision to leave the church and how he will adjust to life without it. She has been very good to me and it is important to me that she has my support.’

Zack chafed in darkening humour. ‘Of course. You must go.’

Looking down at her hands, Shona replied with all the serenity she could muster, ‘I don’t wish to inconvenience you in any way, Zack. At least, not any more than I have already done. Please proceed as you see fit.’

‘In which case, Shona, I will spend some time with my daughter and see you when you return to London.’

Shona nodded rigidly, unable to force a verbal response through the choking misery welling up in her throat. It was a long moment before she realised she was gripping her hands with a tenseness that set her fingers aching. Looking out of the window and keeping her gaze fixed on the passing scenery, she eased her hands apart by slow degrees and managed to feign indifference even when Zack escorted her inside the house and left her without another word.

As Shona watched him go she sighed with frustration, knowing she had lost a prime opportunity to sort things out between them. With hurt and disappointment searing through her, she reproached herself severely for foolishly allowing herself to think that the softening of his attitude towards her at the theatre might mean he was prepared to put behind him their earlier differences. She now realised their minds were running along different lines, that his mind was well and truly shuttered against her.