Mindset (25 page)

“You mean they actually left us alone?  I can’t believe it.  Not that I’m scared or anything.”

Callie gave her a crooked smile.  “If you go out to the living room and look at the couch, you’ll see big brother Jake crashed out.  They left as soon as he got here.”

Eva smiled, noticeably more relaxed.  “So, if you got a kiss goodbye – and for the record, I’m thinking it was more than just a kiss – what are you pining for?”

“I’m not pining, Eva.  I never pine.  I’m a modern woman of the new millennium, and I do not pine for any man.”

“Yeah, yeah, and you’re a tough, Texas chick, yada yada.  So, why do you look so … depressed?  You never let anything get the best of you, so what’s up?”

Callie stared into her coffee and then looked up at her friend with tears in her eyes.  “I love him, Eva.  I really love him.”

Eva reached over and squeezed her friend’s hand.  “Well honey, that’s not something to be sad about.  Especially when he’s such a great guy and he obviously loves you, too.”

“Does he?  I’m not so sure.  Sometimes I think he does.  The way he looks at me sometimes, the way he makes love to me.  And he does make love to me, Eva.  It doesn’t feel like just sex or lust.  But he never talks to me about anything long term.”  She looked down again.  “He’s never told me he loves me, Eva.”

“Have you told him, Callie?”

She shook her head.  “I’m afraid to, Eva.  I’m afraid he’ll take off on me.  Cade’s never been much for commitment.  He told me the other night that I make him think about the future, but he’s never said anything about me being in that future.  I can’t picture my future without him in it, Evita.  I’ve pushed and prodded him into this sort of relationship.  I pretty much forced him into it.  He never would’ve come to me, so I went to him, and that’s ok, but what if he wakes up one day and decides that I’m not what he wants?  What if, after all this pressure I’ve put on him to be with me, he decides he’s tired of my crap and walks away?”

“Callie, I think this is the first time I’m ever seen you scared of anything.  You always know what you want, you go for it, and you always get it.  I believe it’s going to be the same way with Cade.  I just know he loves you.  Maybe he just doesn’t know how to tell you.  Or maybe he’s scared, too.  Be patient.  You’ve only been together a few weeks.”

“Patience has never been one of my virtues, girlfriend.  And it doesn’t feel like a few weeks.  I’ve loved him from a distance for a long time.  When I finally got up the guts to tell him, he sent me away.  For the first time, it didn’t matter how much my mind was set, he refused to follow the plan.  He did it once, and he could do it again.”

“Yes, he could, but I truly don’t think he will.  And if he does, what then?  Are you going to roll over and die?”

She smiled briefly.  “Maybe.”

“No you won’t.  You’ll kick his ass, then you’ll either find another way to make him yours, or you’ll decide he’s not worth the trouble, and you’ll move on.  Either way, you’ll survive.”

“I know I’ll survive, but I want more than that.  I want it all, Eva.  A husband, a family, kids, a house, the whole nine yards.  And I want it all with him.  Sometimes I give myself the same pep talk, but then I think, I want him to be with me, because he wants to be with me, not because I’ve pressured him, talked him into it, or he feels obligated.  God save me from his honor.  I don’t know what to do.  For the first time that I can remember, I’m feeling very insecure.  And I don’t like it one bit.  Shouldn’t loving someone make you feel better instead of worse?”

“I think all this laying around has given you way too much time to worry about things.  What you need is to go upstairs and get ready to go with me to the Lit Center.  Poor Trish has been picking up the slack long enough.  It’s time we get back to work.  Either Josh or Cade will want to come with us, and we’ll put them to work, too.  Come on, let’s go.  Enough sulking already.”

 “Thanks for the help, Cade.”

“Sure, John, any time.”  Both men were in the barn, having just finished unloading their supplies, but neither turned to leave.

“You got something on your mind, son?”

Cade looked up at him.  “Yeah, John, I do.  It’s about Callie.  Look, I know you more or less gave me your blessing to take her out, but you need to know that I don’t want to just take her out.  I want something more with her, John.  Shit.  I want it all, right down to the damned white picket fence.  I want to ask her to marry me, John, but before I do, I wanted to talk to you first to see what you thought about it.”

“Seems to me you ought to be talking to her, not me.  When it comes right down to it, it doesn’t really matter what I think.”

“Yeah, John, it does.  To me, it does.  Look, I’m not very good at this, but just hear me through.  I never knew my father.  I don’t even know his name or who he was.  On my birth certificate, he’s listed as unknown.  Most the time, I didn’t give it much thought, unless someone was either looking at me funny and whispering to someone, or sometimes when I’d see other kids doing stuff with their dads.  Mostly, I convinced myself that I didn’t need or care about a father.”

“My mother wasn’t much.  She always had someone in the back bedroom with her, and she was never sober.  I’m not sure why she kept me around at all, to tell you the truth.  Most of the time, she didn’t seem to even know I was around.  I convinced myself I didn’t care about that, either.  By the time I came here looking for work, I figured I didn’t need or want anyone.  I’d never had a real family, and I didn’t care.  You can’t miss what you’ve never known, right?”

“Then, I came here and I started noticing how your family did things.  It seemed strange to me how much time you spent together, and how you watched out for each other.  But I still figured I was better off alone.  I could depend on myself and nobody else, and that suited me just fine.  Then Callie’s folks were killed, and for the first time, I could see that maybe a family was a good thing to have.  When my mother died, there was nobody around to help me or see that I was making it through okay.  I wasn’t dealing with missing her as much as being scared shitless about what was going to happen to me.  When you all were dealing with your loss, I saw you push your own grief away over and over to help each other get through, and I thought that was really something.  For the first time, I thought a family was a good thing, and I felt like I’d been cheated out of it, but I still figured I was shit out of luck, that’s just the way it goes.”

“John, I love Callie.  I still don’t think I deserve her, but if she’ll have me, I’ll work on making her happy for the rest of my life.  Jake and Josh are like brothers to me, and I plan on talking to them, too.  But it all started with you.  So what you think does matter.  And if I ever have kids of my own, yours is the model I want to follow.  I want to be for them what you’ve been to me.”

Both men stood quietly for a few moments.  “Cade, you honor me, son.  Family has always been important to me, and I’ve considered you part of mine for a long time.  You marrying my girl will just make it official, and I couldn’t be happier about that.  I know you’ll be good to her, and she needs someone like you who has a will as strong as hers.  Josh and Jake are fine boys, and I’m proud of them.  But I’m no prouder of them than I am you, Cade.  They’re my grandsons, but you’re more like the son I never had.  I loved my daughter, Callie’s mother, and I wouldn’t have traded her for a boy, but a man likes the idea of having a son of his own to raise.  Jeanie couldn’t have any more kids after our first, so I never got that chance.  You’ve been that for me.  My only regret is that I didn’t know you sooner.”  Both men looked each other over, not knowing what else to say.  “You ready to go back up to the house?”

“Yeah.”  As Cade approached John with his head down, he slapped the younger man on the back, as fathers do to their sons, and Cade looked his way and smiled, and the awkwardness passed. 

“Well, speak of the devil, or devils,” John said as they saw the two Dubeck brothers on the front porch, sitting in the shade, drinking iced tea.

“Well you couldn’t have planned that better, boys.  Cade and I just finished unloading the truck.”

“You know what they say, Granddad, timing is everything,” Josh smiled.  “I just got here, actually.  I didn’t know what you had going today, and I wanted to make sure the girls weren’t on their own.  They’re in the kitchen, having girl talk time.”  He rolled his eyes.

“And I was just leaving.  I’ve got to go to a job site,” added Jake.  As John went into the house, Jake stood to leave, and Cade stopped him.

“Before you go, I’ve got something to say.”

Both men paused and looked at him.

“Shit.”  Cade didn’t have a clue how to start.

“Shit, what?”  Josh looked at him questioningly.

Cade thought he’d rather take a beating than face off with these two.  “Look, Callie and I are getting married, only she doesn’t know it yet, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it to yourselves until I figure out a way to tell her.”

Josh looked over at Jake.  Jake looked over at Josh.

“Well, now, Cade, that’s real interesting.”

“What the hell do you mean it’s interesting?”

Picking up the ball his brother had just hit into his court, Jake continued.  “Seems like the last time someone told Callie the way it was going to be, …well, let’s see…I can’t seem to recall when the last time was that Callie did what anyone told her.  Can you Josh?”

“No, Jake, I can’t say that I do.  Let me think, okay yeah, I remember now.  I think it was the last guy to take her out.  They say he may never be able to father any kids of his own now, poor guy.”

“Oh, this is just great!  Thanks for the support, you fuckers.”  Both men cracked up, and Jake slapped him on the back.

Jake continued, “Damn, Cade.  Are you sure you want to do this?  I mean, that Callie is a handful.  We always said we’d feel sorry for the poor sap who ended up with her, don’t you remember?  She can be downright mean.  And stubborn?  She could write a book, man.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”  Cade got serious.  “The fact is I love her, so it looks like I’m the poor sap.  I don’t even know how it happened.  One minute I was fighting her off, and the next minute, I’m thinking about building a house with a damned white picket fence.  I just hope she’s thinking as long term as I am.”

Josh looked at his worried face and continued, “Well, you never know about women.  They can be damned fickle.  Course, I’d say the fact that she’s been planning y’all’s wedding since she was twelve probably works in your favor.”

“What the hell did you think we were going to do, Cade, take you out back and beat the hell out of you?”  Jake asked.

“I guess I just wanted to know where we stand before I go to her and lay my ass on the line.”

“So when is this great event going to take place, and can we watch?”  Josh rubbed his hands together.

“Hell no, you can’t watch, you asshole.  And I don’t know when I’m going to ask her yet, so just keep your mouths shut, alright?”

“Well now, that all depends.”  Jake looked over at Josh and smiled wickedly.

“On what, God damn it?”

“How much money do you have on you?”  Josh laughed at his brother’s question and Cade’s scowl.

Somehow Cade didn’t find that remark nearly as funny as they obviously did.