Mindset (11 page)

Eva looked away and was quiet again for a long moment.  Finally she met his eyes and said, “To tell you the truth, I don’t think that will make a bit of difference.  James will come after me, I know it.  He’s not going to take this lying down, even if I don’t want his money.  It’s never been about the money with him.  It’s about control.  He’ll be furious when he finds out that I’m pursuing a divorce, and he’ll want to teach me another one of his ‘lessons’.  I’m not so sure Callie is completely safe, either.  I don’t think a restraining order will keep him from doing anything, but I guess it won’t hurt either, so you might as well go ahead.”

“Listen, Eva, you don’t have to be afraid of him anymore.  You’re not alone now, and he’s not going to be able to get to you again, okay?”

“I hope you’re right, Josh.  But you don’t know him.  He’s not going to want to give me up.  Oh, not because he loves me.  I don’t think he’s capable of the emotion.  But, the very fact that I have the audacity to end our marriage, that I would dare to leave him will infuriate him.  And he has a very bad temper.”

“Well, he’ll just have to deal with it.  I’ll start filing paperwork on Monday.”

Chapter 9

“Eva, that was nothing but good.  Where’d you learn to cook like that young lady?”

“Thank you, John.  My mother taught me how to cook when I was a girl, just like her mother taught her.  She taught me how to cook mostly Mexican food, but when I was on my own, I started branching out and trying all kinds of things.  I really enjoy trying new recipes.  I’m a little rusty, but I guess it’s like riding a bike.  I’m glad you enjoyed it.  Cade, did you get enough?”

“I sure did, Eva.  You’re going to make me fat!  I think those are the best tacos I’ve ever eaten.”

“You’ve got a long way to go before you’re fat, Cade, but thank you.  I’m just going to start clearing the table.”

“I’ll help you, Evita.”

“Actually, Callie, I was hoping you’d take a walk with me.  There are some things I’d really like to talk to you about.”

“You know, I’d like to, Cade, but I just can’t leave Eva to clean the kitchen all by herself.”

“You go ahead, Callie.  I can get this.  Josh not only chopped everything up for me, but he cleaned up things as we went along, and there’s just not that much to do.”

Callie gave her a narrow eyed look that clearly said she couldn’t believe her friend would do this to her but nodded her agreement and stood.  She’d be damned if she let Cade ever think she was intimidated by him or afraid to face him for any reason.  The two walked out the front door and headed for the stables.

“What did you want to talk to me about, Cade?”

“Well let me think a minute, Callie.  Oh yeah, I think it had something to do with the other day when we went to your canyon.  Come on, Callie, give me a break here.”  She just kept looking at him with one eyebrow raised, waiting for him to proceed.

He stepped closer and reached for her, placing his hand on her forearm.  She shifted her gaze from his face to his hand, then back to his face, raising her one eyebrow again.  He removed his hand.

“So, is this how it’s going to be between us from now on?  Look, I screwed up, ok?  Seems like that’s all I ever do around you anymore.  I swear to God, I didn’t mean to hurt you again.  I never did.  This whole thing is just one big mess.”

“Okay, before you continue on that tact, I think I should warn you you’re fixing to screw up some more.”  She took a deep breath.  “Look Cade, if you want to talk, let’s just talk.  Tell me what’s on your mind.  Just try to avoid the part about the other day being a mistake and how now you have to marry me to appease your honor, ok?”

“Callie.  I’ve got so much on my mind right now, I can’t even begin to sort it all out.  And since when is honor such a bad thing, anyway?”

“Honor is a good thing, Cade, and it’s something I always associate with you.  But it’s not a good reason to marry someone.  Good God!  I’m not a kid anymore, Cade.  I knew the score when we were together the other day.  I knew what I was doing, and I wanted it to happen.  I’m not sorry for it, I don’t think it was a mistake, and, if we can leave your honor out of it and get past this, I want it to happen again.  I didn’t have any regrets until you opened your mouth afterwards and started talking about having to marry me.  Do you know how insulting that is?  Give me a little credit here, Cade.  I know my own mind, and I know what I want.  I wanted you, and that’s it.  Whether or not that leads to anything serious remains to be seen, but I can tell you one thing.  If it does, it will be a mutual decision, not one that you’ve made on your own, because you think it’s the honorable thing to do.  I don’t want you like that.”

“You say you always associate honor with me.  Before I came here, I didn’t know the meaning of the word, Callie.  Your family taught me about honor.  You more or less adopted me and made me part of a real family for the first time in my life.  Everything I know about family and decency I’ve learned since I came here.”

“It’s easy for you to think of the future and starting a family of your own.  You want the whole house with the white picket fence surrounding it, a flower garden in the front and a vegetable garden in the back.  And you deserve that.  I’m just not sure I’m the man who can or should give it to you, Callie.  For most of my life, I never thought of the future.  My life was all about surviving each day for so long, it’s hard for me to plan very far in advance.  Hell, I’m still living in the old bunk house.”

“I’m still living in Granddad’s house, Cade.  I don’t expect anyone to take care of me or make my dreams come true.  I can take care of myself, Cade.  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a modern woman here.  I do have dreams, but I’m completely capable of making my own dreams come true.  That’s not why I wanted to be with you.”

“Why
do
you want to be with me, Callie?  For the life of me, I just don’t get it.  What could you possibly see in me?  How could I ever fit into your future plans?”

“You know, you keep bringing up your past like it’s a drawback.  When I think of your past, do you know what comes to my mind?  Respect, Cade.  I have this awesome respect for you for overcoming such a rough start and for making something of yourself.  Most people couldn’t have done what you’ve done.  Most people would have turned out bitter and hateful, but you made up your mind to have something more, something better than what you’d always known, and you did that before you ever met my family.  If you hadn’t, you would’ve taken after the example that was set for you and been into drugs and drinking and Lord knows what else.  I think you’re amazing.”

“What I am now doesn’t change what I came from Callie.  I wouldn’t know where to begin to be the kind of man you need and deserve.  I don’t know anything about family, really.  I just kind of watch what your family does and try my best to fit in, even though I know I’m just pretending and going through the motions.  Without that example, I wouldn’t have a clue how to act.  You need someone who was raised like you, who knows how to love and be part of something.  I’m not ever going to be that person.  I don’t know how.  You’re so full of love, Callie.  You deserve someone better than me, who can love like you do.”

“Look, Cade, it’s not that I’m not listening to what you’re saying.  I can understand why you feel the way you do, but I just don’t agree with your self-assessment.  Do you remember the day my parents died?  I just couldn’t accept it.  I was devastated, and I just could not come to terms with the idea that they were gone.  I was so angry at everyone.  Nobody understood me, and nobody could get through to me, except you.  I guess I would’ve spent the night out in the open that night if you hadn’t found me.  You knew just what to say to help me get through it.  And afterwards, you were the only one who could make me feel better.  I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it without you.  You just get me, Cade, even more than my family does.  You always have. 

“Don’t try to make me into some kind of a hero.  I’m no hero, Callie.  I don’t know what to do about you.  I care about you, and I don’t want to hurt you.  I’m afraid that I will.”

“Are you afraid of
hurting
me, or of
disappointing
me?  Maybe you think you can’t live up to what you think I’ve imagined you to be.  Or are you afraid of getting hurt yourself?  Do you even know?”

“I don’t know anything when it comes to you, Callie.”

“Well, maybe you should take some time to figure things out.  No pressure.  I have to figure out what I want to do with my life now, anyway.  I know I don’t want to go back to New York.  I know I don’t want to model anymore.  But I haven’t figured out what I want to do.  So, I could use some time to do some soul searching myself.  I won’t wait forever, Cade, but I’ll wait for now.  But know this:  if you decide you want to give us a chance and see where this leads, I expect it to be based on your feelings, not mine.  I’ll worry about mine.  I don’t want to be with you because you feel like it’s something you should do.  I want to be with you because it’s something you want as much as I do.  I won’t settle for anything else.  I’m a big girl.  If you don’t want to be with me, I’ll deal with it and move on.  I don’t need you to protect me or do what you think is best for me.  I can take care of myself.  If you decide you don’t want me, I’ll either find someone else, or I won’t, but I’ll make it through one way or another.  Are we clear?”

“Yeah, we’re clear.  Come on, I’ll walk you back to the house.”

“Before you do, I want a hug.”  Before he could even blink, Callie had wrapped her arms around his neck and was holding him tightly.  How could he not hold her back?  She pulled her head back to see his face, and she pulled his mouth down for a searing kiss.  He sank into her, parting her lips with the sweep of his tongue.  They molding their bodies into each other, and the kiss became more and more heated.  She abruptly pulled away and looked into his eyes.

“I just wanted to see if it was as good as I remembered it.  It was.  Maybe you should think about that, too, while you’re figuring things out.  Good night, Cade.”  She separated from him and walked back to the house, never looking back.

Cade followed her progress and watched her walk through the front door, and head upstairs.  As he watched the light come on in her bedroom, he thought to himself that he definitely had another long, sleepless night ahead of him, not just because he couldn’t decide what to do about Callie, but because he’d spend the rest of the night tasting her kiss and feeling her body pressed against his own and wishing he had her next to him.

Chapter 10

“Eva, are you ready?  Dollar waiting on a dime.”

“You better quit stealing my thunder, Callie girl.”

“I’m not stealing your thunder, Granddad, I’m just trying to get that girl out the door already.  We have groceries to buy and we want to have a girls’ lunch to start planning for our futures.  We also have hair appointments.  It’s going to be a full day.”

“Here she is!  You girls be careful out there, you hear?”

“Yes sir, we will.  Let’s go Evita.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!  Josh just called me and wants me to stop by his office if we get a chance, is that ok?”

“Sure, we can go by there first, if you’d like.  Then hair, then lunch, then groceries.  We better get going.”

The girls climbed into the jeep, turned on
Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits
, and hit the road.  As they both started singing along with Stevie Nicks, neither noticed the blue, four door sedan that pulled out behind them as they left the ranch.