Millom in the Dock (15 page)

Now if I may I
will give you some background as to SIDETRACK(ed) the locally owned
rail company, who were in operation during my youth at least whose
lines were/are in an excellent state of repair I may add … due to
non-greed and corruption but much care. Their commitment to
excellent local public transport helps provide you in the outside
technological world with electricity. This power production is
partly due of course to the Millom mob, delivered by SIDETRACK (ed)
who grace the insides of the radioactive, luminous walls of BNFL.
The workers, due to their circumstances, do however have their own
idea concerning the actual product of the plant.

M’lud: “Well Mr
Lassut, sorry to interrupt but my cousin works there and he has
noticed the rather unusual transportation system which they use to
reach the factory. I myself would be interested in learning more,
please carry on”.

Thank you
M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader,
SIDETRACK(ed), as the name suggests, consisted/consists of just
that, an ‘extra’ track on the sidings of a section of the West
Coast Barrow to Carlisle Railway (this part is for Wacker, who has
been doing the signals for about 90 years now). This track is used
for rolling stock on the “MILLOM EXPRESS”. This special service
runs alongside the normal line from Millom to a small village
called Silecroft about three and a half miles away.

“So how do the
workers reach Sellafield if the track only runs part of the way?”
you ask, well it’s all to do with the military and a loophole in
the law which, I will of course tell you about soon. Let me first
though describe the actual system to you. You see M’lud, ladies and
gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader; the Express is used both for
work and recreation. When relaxing on a day out in Silecroft the
passengers either go to the local pub, The Miners Arms, or walk
down to the sea to bask in the sun and/or have a refreshing,
healthy, healing swim in the brine.

It will help
you immensely knowing that it wasn’t/isn’t an actual train which
does the pulling.
The MILLOM EXPRESS
train consists of one
of those seesaw type buggies which are often seen on old black and
white Western or Laurel and Hardy type films. Two of the town’s
strongest men, Brick and Togo, (again ... statue! Why should
Ulverston get one of a ‘lesser’ comedy duo?), are/were the buggies
power source employed on the side ..
.
(ings) by Reg Hodgson the local travel expert.

The Express
passenger accommodation consists/consisted of half a dozen flat
carriages which have no sides. A pole in each corner supports a
corrugated sheet ceiling from the banking allotment. SIDETRACK(ed)
previously MILLOM RAIL, ordered the ceilings from Sharpo. The
Police were quickly on the case and said officially … “He’s
definitely in this area here”. Wrong! He was swimming in the tide
at Silecroft worrying passing seals, mackerel and Great White
Sharks, while Fireblade yapped enthusiastic encouragement from the
shoreline.

That then is a
nail in the wall about three inches above the top of the map, two
inches from the left hand side. Carlisle is where the top of the
wall meets the ceiling, just above the third coat peg from the
toilet door. A world atlas would be interesting.

All seating on
the Express was/is first class (no more was/is), there is of course
a buffet car this is manned by another Millom star character, well
worthy of being portrayed in a blockbuster film one day, Mr Manky
Fullard, who is chief SIDETRACK cook and rabbit catcher, complete
with catapult and a dog, he works under the head chef-ship of
Sharpo of course, another lurcher man and rabbit catcher. If anyone
orders food he lets a rabbit have it; one of many that are watching
this fascinating procession from the edge of a field. This is
called bad luck; you’re sat there, chewing on the sweet grass and
watching this highly entertaining procession pass by when, suddenly
a brick (a real one) hit you between the eyes … charming!

The dog then
brings the physical remains at speed to the side of the buffet car
where, in a fine ‘relay’ type changeover, Manky takes the order
from the hairy waitress/waiter. The rabbit is then paunched
(gutted), skinned and cooked very freshly in front of the customer.
He does the cooking on a steel drum barbecue grill, the rabbit
heads are boiled in a separate bucket of water using a shaw kite
camping stove, these are for the dog (unless someone fancies boiled
rabbit’s head, with eyes that pop in the mouth and a little, chewy,
rubbery tongue?) Yummy! Grilled rabbit, salt, pepper, tomato sauce
and other condiments are courtesy of the Bridge Caff via Brick’s
pocket and then via Mr Townsend. The tail and feet are knocked up
very quickly into lucky key rings by Tony Storrs, the jeweller
you’ve already met, who runs the …

MILLOM EXPRESS
GIFTS BIZZARRE

They sold at a
greatly knocked up price in order to cope with the Reverend’s 10%
limbo protection plan for dealing with the murdered body parts of
God’s creatures; a kind of ‘Burke and Rabbit’ arrangement minus the
pub. The toilet car is quite modern actually. It consists of
another carriage this time with no roof. A sheet of tarpaulin is
loosely spread over its full area. There is a bum sized hole cut in
the middle of the flat with a larger one (does my bum look big on
this?) next to it which acts as the Ladies, each hole has a bucket
suspended underneath. These both had to be cleared for use by the
Reverend of course, in triplicate and, at the cost of four gold
teeth rent each trip. The person crawls under the sheet and lets
nature take its natural course … after the deed is done, the
Express moves off again. The nose powderers may then wash their
hands. The water in the bucket containing the boiling rabbits heads
is … well hot. Mind you it is quite good for warming the palms and
digits in the winter months. Yes three inches of snow means a
friendly brawl for the ‘sink’.

During the
winter months Arthur Ferguson enjoys good trade selling ‘designer’
rabbit skin gloves to the softer passengers (Rugby Unioners).
Arthur avoids using the train preferring his Rickshaw Taxi, pulled
by one of his admirers. Well come on a King never rides with the
commoners. There isn’t a guard’s carriage at the rear; there is no
need for one. It is not that the SIDETRACK(ed) Directors are too
stingy to pay wages (one rabbit, minus feet and tail and a chicken
per shift), it is just that no trouble ever kicks off. Lots of the
tickets get blown away in the wind anyway, leaving nothing to check
and therefore possible skirmishes with suspect fare dodgers, who
are of course innocent and always sing “The tickeeeet my friend is
blowin iiiin the wiiiiiind” etc. If anyone happens to bring a
guitar along it can sound quite nice. Sometimes everyone joins in,
increasing the quota of rabbit craving entertainment, keeping Manky
and Sharpo if he’s along for the trip, or at ballet class (I’m
joking there)?

Upon reaching
Silecroft they decide what time to return to the buggy, following
which they are off down the road to the shore and a jolly old
afternoon nude bathing. Meanwhile, Brick and Togo, who like to be
called Messrs. Casey and Jones, move the buggy back to the front,
or back to the back of the train … it makes little difference. This
is a job and a half and done by hand as there is no turntable to
speak of. It is a tremendous feat worthy of complete lunat ...
strong men a feat which makes their eyes bulge and their biceps
balloon. They then go to the pub to refresh and the locals quickly
drink up and go home in order to avoid another discussion about the
interesting coloured lights, funny symbols and loads of button to
press on the Mars, Big Brother computer system.

Okay, now if
the trip to Sellafield is early to deliver the worker ants or a
more casual saunter to the Visitors Centre later in the day the
buggy has to use the main track from here on. This is because of a
place near the small village of Bootle, a rather desolate area
called Eskmeals. At Eskmeals, or rather a part of Eskmeals, there
is an area fenced off and surrounded by trees. This is a non-secret
Military Site which I mentioned briefly earlier. It is a large and
small bore guns building and testing site, the weapons used,
amongst other things, to make great explosions abroad, which is fun
to watch on TV while you’re eating your dinner, especially if there
are a lot of boring repeats on the other channels (2005, a good
year for repeats). It would seem like a bit of a glam job shooting
big guns and little guns all day yet the workers do get tired with
it at times, what with loosing off rounds at the Irish Sea which
would be pretty hard to miss blindfolded after ten pints of Forget
Me Not. Sheets of metal and sand hills are also used as targets for
the big guns as are rare moths, flutterbys, flies, rabbits (of
course) and skylarks. I have also heard that it is fun to soak
people as they saunter along the beach on the Isle of Man and they
deny all knowledge.

It is
thankfully against the law for the trigger happy, frustrated
weapons technicians to fire at the, in full view, passing trains on
the main track which runs nearby.

SIDETRACK(ed),
due to some political loophole in the law would have been fair
game, but the Directors found out just in time and got permission,
via Roger Murray (top solicitor) to use the main track from
Silecroft onwards. Phewww! Narrow escape! Safe then? M’lud, ladies
and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader … NO! Because I can tell you
another predator stalks, one more vicious and menacing! Togo!
Because he has sensitive ears, evolved over many years of listening
out for the bailiff through wood and brick (walls that is), he gets
his lug to the line and checks whether one of the scary steel
monsters that uses the track as a run, is leaving Barrow in
Furness. If the line is clear the duo seesaw like mad, sometimes
causing sparks between wheel and rail. The scenery, due to the
speed is blurred more than usual and Manky has been known to miss
and lose orders for food. Sometimes one of the older ‘Don’t know
you’re born’s’ will comment … “That’s the last time I eat here! The
service is absolutely bloody disgusting! Far worse that at the rest
home! Pah!”

Occasionally a
steam train crew in Barrow somehow receive a little inside
information concerning the irregular departure time of the
sightseeing Express and have set off from Barrow accordingly,
reaching stalking distance before i.e. before Togo’s lug touches
the line for the first time. The steam train crew usually tie a
large branch with plenty of leaves to the nose of the loco. They
slow down upon reaching The Green (a patch of grass with mud huts
near Millom, remember?) and, a couple of hundred yards from Millom
Station … stop and … wait. The Express is then loaded and Togo
listens for the first time. Clear … they’re away, the steam train
stays a few hundred yards behind the Express. When the Express
stops at Silecroft, the locomotive driver goes ‘Togolug Dead’ the
same as sonar dead in submarines. Once the Express has changed
tracks and is speedily underway, the branch is cast aside and the
chase is on. Luckily when they spot it or, someone shouts
“Monsteeeeer!” Brick and Togo are so frightened they just go
faster, Manky stays cool and wastes a few bricks on the monsters
head but, they just powder on impact. Mind you it looks too big to
skin anyway (and as for the lucky key ring?) There is a great
tussled movement of bodies underneath the canvas at times like this
… like a gang of ferrets fighting in a sack.

Somehow though
the train always gives up, probably bait time or boredom or
something else … i.e. just not fast enough? Or maybe it’s because
the driver and the guard have discovered that the sheep in the
fields are more intelligent than the Barrow in Furness women and
have decided to try their luck … there again, if sheep could talk
Cumbrian they would soon exhaust the intellect of the Barrow mob
(ooops! Did I just say that aloud?!) However M’lud, ladies and
gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, our intrepids somehow reach
Sellafield and cruise to a halt on the safety of some more sidings.
Then they all dismount; walk up the road and stand, faces pressed
to the wire, staring at steam coming from the steaming Cooling
Towers, fascinated.

If you, the
reader, out there in civilisation have never visited Sellafield …
DO (lead underpants are available in the Gift Shop, Y’se to wear
them).

The site is
divided into two halves, Windscale and Calder. Calder Hall is the
side housing the four reactors … 1, 2, 3 and 4 (just in case any of
Togo’s relatives are reading). These provide electrickery for the
grid, although why anyone would want to power one of those ‘stop
the sheep from going through the gate’ things, sure beats the hell
out of me? Windscale is the reprocessing side where they reprocess
spent fuel, using the Irish Sea as a large
stormychurnydiluteitquick … (except when it doesn’t … and upsets
Greenpeace … Ooops! Public Inquiry please! Ok, who’s got the log
book?) … Waste disposal unit, much to the annoyance of the
residents of the Isle of Man.

Sellafield
breach, sorry beach, is where they filmed or, should I say film, on
a continuous basis, certain scenes and even some creative new ideas
for updated and digital surround sound (and now 3D! It’s been a
while) versions of Jason and the Argonauts. Scenes like, extremely
realistic fights with big crabs (so as to save money on Ray
Harryhausen’s wages), where the actors can lose very easily because
… what do extremely realistic giant crab
s
care for camp actors with plastic swords? All the Directors do is
tell the actors … “Well daaaaaarlings, just fight the veeeery,
veeeery realistic big crabs not designed by Ray Harryhausen, which
will come from around that corner there at the bottom of that big
cliff. Act as though they are actually real okay. WE will all be on
that big hill over there watching you through a long lens. Good
luck dears. This is all in the name of art so be enthusiastic and
don’t be afraid to get really close to the nasty, veeery realistic
plastic things which are full of waterproof, sand proof electronics
and mechanical wizardry … honestly! Just think, Mel Gibson may
watch this one day and he might ask some of you to be in a film
with him! Love you all! Mmmmmoi! Mmmmmoi!”