Millom in the Dock (14 page)

This pin border
became known as the ‘MILLOM RECTANGLE’ named after the Bermuda
Triangle because every time Sharpo entered the zone he disappeared.
I’m seriously considering dropping a note to Barry Manilow, you
just neveeeeer know?! There have been occasions when Police who
have just been moved to Millom as an ‘End of the Line’ Punishment …
commendations or not have, in their first couple of weeks of
Hitleristic keenness, booted down innocents doors and then run into
their houses shouting … “This is a raid! We’ve come for the stolen
television!”. The locals look bemused and say “Stolen what? Would
you like a cup of tea and a rabbit and banking allotment vegetable
sandwich Officer?”

Once they
actually took in as evidence a suspect Gamma wave oven. Someone had
removed a chair from inside this oven while the door was left ajar.
The oven was dusted (using real dust) and found to have Sharpo’s
fingerprint on the periscope lens. The lenses are quite large in
diameter, as that of a big tea mug. All he was actually doing was
having a breath of fresh air with his lovely little pedigree
Yorkshire Terrier, one of those little yappy, shivering things with
masses of hair making it difficult to know which end to kick when
stressed. He combated this by typing clumps of it up with red
ribbons (Ferg had no pink in stock).

Well as he was
walking along talking to little Fireblade Jackal Jaw, he just
happened to spot the oven (they’re hard to miss actually, even from
a thousand metres with less than perfect eyesight) sitting
unattended in someone’s garden whom he knew by the way. They had
popped out so he simply climbed atop and looked through the
periscope to get the model number so as he could get his mum one
for Christmas from Fergies. He simply loves his Mummy. However, he
made the grave error of putting his hand on the glass to shield his
eyes from the unpolarised light. What wasn’t taken into account was
the fact that he had saved the chicken and rabbit casserole which
had been left uncovered on the garden path and was about to be
worried by the neighbour’s dog. Luckily for him, yet unluckily for
the Police, the oven wasn’t turned on. The real thief struck that
night through the open door.

Anyway after
the Feds decide to confiscate and impound the evidence they somehow
managed with a great deal of effort to load the two ton oven into
the cart which is pulled by two Penny Farthing’ed Officers
(complete with un-stabilisers). Peg just sits down on her haunches
and refuses point blank to move, she’s no fool. The microwave at
one point in the journey was switched on by a hole in the road (an
incredible feat for a hole). This affected the Officer’s brains and
they arrived back at the station with an IQ. Suddenly they are
found to be somewhat unsuitable for the Millom Constabulary, for
what reason I couldn’t even begin to assume?

Because, by my
own admission, my personal IQ is unquestionably by my own choice,
zero. You see, if you’re clever they ask you to do complex un-human
things such as think using common sense and make decisions, then,
all hell breaks loose when things work and jerk-offs then have to
justify their existence by blaming you for the chaos you’ve caused
in their miserable little lives. So it’s best to choose un-clever
as a lifestyle. Clever is a curse, just look at Brick and Togo for
instance, world famous bored stiff millionaires now! (Ok, one of
them). Are those two clever or what?! … Worked again hasn’t it?
(10% guys? C’mon, I’m bankrupt and on the street now because of
this, with folk after my imbecile blood and … I’m starving!)

The Officers
though, were saved from the scrapheap by being headhunted by the
cleaners at the Elbeo Stocking Factory, a local industrial unit now
a book publishers.

***

A rather sweet
momen
t
in Stephen’s life i.e. showing
disrespect for authority, and doing what more of us should.

Scene:
Whitehaven college (that’s where we went on block release from
Sellafield).

Lecturer:
“What’s the answer to this, Sharp?”

Stephen: “It’s
Stephen.”

Lecturer: “Look
Sharp, answer please!”

Stephen: “It’s
Stephen ...

Lec: “It’s
Sharp in here.”

Stephen
“Stephen.”

The lecturer
finally gave way. Quite admirable in a world of scaredey cats with
no self -respect.”

***

THE LIBRARY –
Millom’s catacomb of wisdom.

Yes M’lud,
ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, Millom’s catacomb of
wisdom, the halls of knowledge. There are the usual small libraries
two dozen bookshelves for the locals to browse and do a little mind
expansion. Obviously there is no science section, automobile
maintenance section, plug wiring and toaster fixing, build your own
tungsten filament light bulb section etc. Or for that matter, one
of those newspaper racks. Now, if you want Mrs Beeton’s ‘Rural Pick
’n’ Mix Roast & Allotment Stew Combinations’ you’re in luck. If
you want to read quietly at a table you’re in luck. Not bad at all
really is it but … listen carefully. There is also some ‘modern
luxury’ available because Millom Library boasts nothing less than a
state of the art … ‘Audio Book Station’. Altogether M’lud, ladies
and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader … one, two three …
“HOOOooooooo! Dead up to date and posh!”

I know what you
are thinking … electronic! Well, I’m sorry to disappoint. The ABS
is actually an old confessions booth acquired from the Reverend, as
a donation! Very decent of the fellow! Sure to go to Hell for a bit
of a slap for being that nice. (After all, why would the Devil
punish bad people if he’s supposed to be a lawyer himself? That one
begs a pretty good answer, think I’ll email the Vatican). The booth
was donated very, very cheaply as a matter of fact only three gold
teeth (large molars) from the Rugby League side line and, one point
seven seven five percent of Tony Storr’s side line jewellery trades
gross profit margin as related in gross deficiency to the
Reverend’s share in the DOW ... ager Jones’s windfall after her
husband’s ‘gravity aided’ fall due to the wind when fixing the
roof, one hour after closing time, ten years back. Pluuuuus free
Rolex service and repairs, including parts, on an on-going basis.
Pluuuuuus ten, no, no (loooong argument) … ten point zero one five
percent of Royalties if ever, ever eevvvver (never, never land)
Snow White should succumb and demand (now she’s a REAL movie star)
a bit of a six foot rough jewellery dealer in her next video? Now
that’s a great dogmatic deal, a steal, as it still would be at
twice the price. So, how does the booth work? Well … (it’s
fascinating). The listener steps into the Sinners side of the booth
(take your pick when installed in a church), puts 10p in the tin
can (they do have tin openers in Millom, from Fergie’s, call them
axes in your part of the world). He or she then requests a set book
through the ‘guilt grille’. The readers, eight or so at a time,
cram into the other side with the days available titles.
Excellent!

This is quite a
prestigious job in Millom and there are always a lot of applicants
should a post become available. Because of the cramped conditions,
the interview is in two parts. Part one couldn’t be simpler … read!
Part two is probably simpler even although it couldn’t be according
to the previous sentence but it does take a tad longer. The
applicant must eat a plate of rabbit and banking allotment veg
sarnies then go home. 24 hours later they return to the library,
strip off and sit in a tin bathtub of hot water for another 24
hours. If there are any bubbles within that time frame the
applicant has failed. The first hours are the most comfortable
while the water is warm. Whatever the temperature though, no soap
is allowed because of the confusion of ‘Decoy’ bubbles. To combat
inevitable boredom the applicant may bring a duck along to play
with. A lot of applicants choose to do this; some even bring the
yellow plastic variety.

If the batch is
good (applicants that is not duck eggs although … sometimes …
“Sorry Togo everything’s been cancelled today mate and tomorrow
and, every other day until 2007”) say for example, that the final
three interviewees are gas free fantastic readers which is the
actual MLVQ qualification i.e. Millom Library Vocational
Qualification. They are required to return on a cold Northern day
(brrrr!) for a sudden death, wrinkly bummed sit in (the undertakers
always turn up?). The tubs are one again filled with warm water
(Ahhhh!) and then dragged outside onto the pavement (brrr!). No
distractions such as ducks are allowed, the last one in their tub
is awarded the certificate by the Mayor (how come no one voted?)
and local postie, Freddie Gleaves, who kindly closes their frozen
fingers onto the calligraphed card. The photos, usually a group
with the person in the tub in front, smiling a very humourless
World Leader type fixed grimace are taken by the local cameraman
Howard, an old mate of mine.

Upon return of
the pictures everyone has fun guessing which fuzzy sepia toned blob
is who. If body identification is difficult, Alan Parsons the
dentist is called in to supply dental records. All jobs thus filled
the money raised is used to buy new books. The AB booth turns over
about … Ooooh! At a rough estimate … ???? Once a week should
someone accidentally let one slip. The disciplinary procedure is
one days ‘cork’ duty, a dodgy practice which has been known to
backfire. The last time it backfired the librarian’s coffee was
knocked over and, the ricochet rudely disturbed an old retired
carrier pigeon which was minding its own business and sunning
itself on the windowsill. Luckily the window was open, the cork was
replaced and held firmly ‘up the junction’ with a couple of strips
of double strength sticky wide bandages, as added security after
the librarian lodged the following complaint:-

“It might be my
eye next time!”

A couple of
examples of book titles and readers …

“The Persuasive
Alchemists Art” by the Reverend.

“Flower
arranging to delight your visitors” and “The location of the Holy
Grail and the Pearly Gates” ... Sharpo

“How to Make
Friends and Influence Yourself & Certain Authors” by Brick
(holds record for cork).

“Beautiful
Poetry” by Kath Park.

MY INVISIBLE
CHILD

By Kath Park
(formerly of Millom)

I never knew
you, before you were gone

What would you
have been? What would you have done?

?????

Would your eyes
have been blue?

Would your hair
have been brown?

It’s true to
say … I haven’t a clue!

Boy? Girl? Will
it never be known?

I wish I could
see you up and grown

But some things
that should happen are to be

I sometimes
wonder, would you have liked me?

Here’s hoping,
the place that you been sent

Is better than
here and, that’s why you went

My thoughts are
with you, as your Mum, that’s my way

And I hope we
can meet again?

Someday?

That concludes
the two hard to see landmarks M’lud.

M’lud: “Thank
you Mr Lassut, that is a very beautiful poem by Kath, makes me want
to cry”.

Me too
M’lud.

M’lud: “I
wouldn’t mind listening to the Alchemy book, the Reverend is
obviously an expert at the art.”

Very
interesting M’lud.

M’lud: “Thank
you Mr Lassut, well it’s 12.30 now and time for a break, Court will
resume at 15.30”.

“All rise for
M’lud”.

***

15:30

“All rise for
M’lud”.

M’lud: “Good
afternoon everyone, Mr Lassut, what’s on the agenda this
afternoon?”

Well M’lud,
ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, I would like to
address the point made by the press that, I quote …
“Most people
with jobs work at the nuclear power station at Sellafield or at
Barrow Ship Yard”
.
It is true M’lud, ladies and
gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader; the British Nuclear Fuels
Limited Sellafield Plant does actually provide employment for a
small section of the population which, I think is a very positive
point, even with the nuclear industry in disarray and always under
such scrutiny. However, as for Barrow Ship Yard, well you and I
know that this place does exist as a workplace for the Millom
population but, by choice, they waiver the opportunity but why?

I will tell you
why, Barrow Ship Yard is called Vickers and the people of Millom
are under the impression that the Reverend trained there, together
with other espousers of the words and commandments of our angry and
vengeful God. God isn’t actually angry with Millom that was merely
a child’s oversight. But because of this belief, not one of them
has the courage to step on the toes of his finest Italian leather
shoes for fear of infinite limbo and the possibility of having
their ass roasted for something trivial like claiming dole and
working and all that gumph. Actually, they would never have got
away with claiming and working when my old girls’ team were in the
Job Centre because they were all practiced psychics when it came to
detecting the over ambitious few.

So, it is true
that some work at Sellafield but, it isn’t so much that they spend
their days there earning a crust, what I think is far more
interesting is, how do these heroes and heroines reach their
distant place of toil? They have no cars, Peg only carries one
passenger and it’s too far to pedal. Especially with a Dames Ison
vacuum cleaner humming away on the front of your bike. Well, I can
tell you … local ingenuity of course, by railway. The rails,
courtesy of, in the early days, the ironworks and now Scurrah
Nassau of the Tannery Industrial Estate, Haverigg (the Tannery was
a leather factory).