Milk and Honey (7 page)

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Authors: Rupi Kaur

BOOK: Milk and Honey

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i don’t want to be friends
i want all of you

- more

i am losing parts of you like i lose eyelashes
unknowingly and everywhere

you cannot leave
and have me too
i cannot exist in
two places at once

- when you ask if we can still be friends

i am water
soft enough
to offer life
tough enough
to drown it away

what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn’t
know was how you loved me had so much to do with
the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave
to you. coming back to me. how did i not see that. how.
did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would
love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it
was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be
filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my
warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was
you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because
you recognized it. as if i was already not these things
before i met you. as if i did not remain all these once you
left.

you leave
but you don’t stay gone
why do you do that
why do you
abandon the thing you want to keep
why do you linger
in a place you do not want to stay
why do you think it’s okay to do both
go and return all at once

i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know
they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you
because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss
out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they
have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer.
when they have taken your skin your hair your secrets with
them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a
storm you are and it hits them.

that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person
you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of
what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in
their body and leave after saying
you will find better than
me.

you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden
somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did
it. why they forced you to love them when they had no
intention of loving you back and they’ll say something
along the lines of
i just had to try. i had to give it a chance.
it was you after all.

but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they
were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk
breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one
missing out. your existence meant that little next to their
curiosity of you.

that is the thing about selfish people. they
gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their
own. one second they are holding you like the
world in their lap and the next they have
belittled you to a mere picture. a moment.
something of the past. one second. they swallow
you up and whisper they want to spend the rest
of their life with you. but the moment they sense
fear. they are already halfway out the door.
without having the nerve to let you go with
grace. as if the human heart means that little to
them.

and after all this. after all of the taking. the
nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have
more guts these days to undress you with their
fingers than they do to pick up the phone and
call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you
lose her.

- selfish

to do list (after the breakup):

1. take refuge in your bed.

2. cry. till the tears stop (this will take a few days).

3. don’t listen to slow songs.

4. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorized on your fingertips.

5. don’t look at old photos.

6. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to two scoops of mint chocolate chip. the mint will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate.

7. buy new bed sheets.

8. collect all the gifts, t-shirts, and everything with their smell on it and drop it off at a donation center.

9. plan a trip.

10. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation.