Authors: Tobe Hooper Alan Goldsher

Midnight Movie: A Novel (37 page)

BOOK: Midnight Movie: A Novel

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The zombie moaning was getting louder, and the rainbow clouds were getting smellier, and all I wanted to do was get the fuck out of there, so I crawled, like, I don’t know, like a kid in some Vietnam movie who’d just gotten fragged by Charlie. The pain radiating from my ankle was out-fucking-rageous, and right when I got to the door, I realized I was moaning as loud as those damn dirty zombies.

My hands were so slick with sweat that I couldn’t open the fucking door. The room was a big rainbow. I was getting dizzy; I still wasn’t sure whether it was from the ankle or the smoke of the undead, but whatever it was, I was
sooooo
close to passing out.

I tried to center myself with a deep breath. And another. And another. And finally, I leaned against the door and got it somewhat open.

But before I could open it all the way, the Regal Arbor Cinema blew up, and I flew through the plate glass door. That last thing I remember thinking was,
The world smells like salami
.

THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE

INDEPENDENT MOVIE THEATER EXPLODES

ONE DEAD IN REGAL ARBOR CINEMA FIRE

SEPTEMBER 3, 2009

BY TROY KING

AUSTIN, TX—A two-alarm fire felled the Regal Arbor Cinema at 9828 Great Hills Trail yesterday morning.

Authorities initially believed that the theater, which had been closed since August 6, was empty, until body-sniffing dogs uncovered a single corpse.

The body was identified as Marcus Frost-McGee, 29, currently of Las Vegas.

The fire was extinguished almost immediately, but, despite the Austin Fire Department’s best efforts, it continues to smolder.

Deputy Fire Commissioner Elvin Jones said, “We’ve dumped hundreds of gallons of water on the rubble, and it refuses to die. For some reason, the rubble remains exceptionally hot, so we won’t go in there until it cools down to a workable temperature.”

Authorities have asked for a voluntary evacuation in the immediate surrounding area.

Local resident Carlos Quintana of 9441 Great Hills Trail feels no need to leave.

Quintana said, “It doesn’t smell all that great, but my gut tells me it’s not hurting anybody.”

Robert Charleston, the Regal Arbor Cinema manager, could not be reached for comment.

http://www.thetruthaboutzombies.com

Welcome to the Truth About Zombies

September 12, 2009

We’re back! And just in time. Because I have a story for you.

So I was in Chicago, and I was sitting out in Grant Park, on the Petrillo Bandshell (which is the main stage for Lollapalooza, for those of you who are keeping score), watching the nothingness, when this exceptionally red zombie skipped over.

Now, I know you’re saying, “Skipped??? What do you mean ‘skipped’??? Zombies sure as shit don’t skip!!!” Well, chilluns, this one did. He was in such a happy hoppy mood that he skipped right up onto the bandstand and parked his zombie ass right down next to my human ass.

He stuck out his hand and introduced himself. (I don’t remember his damn name, and even if I did, I wouldn’t post it here, because would you want your name posted all over the web if you were a zombie? I didn’t think so.) Being a polite fellow, I introduced myself right back, then said, “I hate to be rude, but you’re undead, aren’t you?”

He said, “Yeah. I am. But I’m getting better.” He pointed at his arm and said, “Check this out. Yesterday, this was green. Now it’s red. And a normal red. A normal healing red. It itches like mad, but I think that’s normal. Things itch when they heal. Right?”

He was so eager for a positive answer, and he looked at me with such hope, that I kind of almost cried. I know that sounds pathetic, but imagine you’re in a war, and one of your buddies gets shot, and he’s gushing blood, and he grabs your hand and says, “I’m going to be all right, aren’t I?” All you want to do is comfort him. That’s what I wanted to do for this undead guy.

I said, “Right. Things itch when they heal.”

Right then is where things got interesting.

The zombie stared out onto the park with a big smile plastered on his mug. He was scratching his arm, and scratching his arm, and scratching his arm. It seemed like he didn’t even notice he was doing it. And I’m looking at the arm, and the red is going away. And I’m not talking like the red skin was peeling off or anything. The red was simply fading. His arm, once green, and once red, was turning skin colored. Holy shit, right???!!!

I gave the zombie a big AHEM to get his attention, then pointed at his arm. He looked at it for a while, and then, if it’s possible, his smile got bigger. Then he looked at me and said, “I know this is going to sound weird, but could I hug you?”

So we hugged. I think he said something like, “Thank you for welcoming me back into humanity,” but I couldn’t totally make it out, because he was crying too hard. We stayed that way for a while, then I gave him my phone number and told him when he’s feeling ready, we’ll go catch some music or something. He said, “That would be great,” then he jumped off the band shell and went about his merry way. I swear that with each step, he seemed stronger.

This is my last post here. I’m shutting down this website. I don’t need it anymore. My search is over. I know the truth about zombies. And I ain’t gonna tell you what it is, people. You have to figure that shit out for yourself.

COMMENTS

i don’t know why u r making such a big deal out of this. that’s normal in my hood. zombies r turning back to humans on every gottdam corner. it’s not all that. chill. quit crying. don’t b such a bitch.

miguel from compton represent, CA

September 8, 3:14 PM

My mother’s okay, too. We had her locked in the basement for a month. We had to get somebody out to reinforce the door so she wouldn’t break it down. Now she’s okay. I didn’t see the transformation happen, so I don’t know if she came back to us quickly or gradually. All I know is that now she’s okay. Thank God.

Donna from Cleveland, OH

September 10, 5:32 PM

TIME

September 21, 2009

SCIENCE NOTES

Easy Come, Easy Go

So-Called Blue Spew Downsizes
BY EDWARD LENNON
ATLANTA
—The sexually transmitted disease known as the “Blue Spew” seems to have lost its momentum, and Dr. Daria Corbin of the Centers for Disease Control is baffled.
Dr. Corbin, who was in charge of researching the strain (
Puteulanus morbus
), claims that the petering out of the disease is unprecedented.
“Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it,” Dr. Corbin says. “Six of our patients here fully recovered at the exact same rate, at the exact same time. As much as we’d like to take credit for it, we simply can’t.
“It’s unexplainable,” Dr. Corbin says, “and while we’re all obviously thrilled that this has happened, and we’re all crossing our fingers that the trend continues, it once again reminds us that nature is in charge, which makes all of us down here feel a tad insignificant.”