Authors: Tobe Hooper Alan Goldsher

Midnight Movie: A Novel (17 page)

BOOK: Midnight Movie: A Novel

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She shrugged, gave me this weird, cockeyed smile, and said, “Kind of.”

I said, “He’s a lucky guy, what with your boobs all hanging out like that.”

She said, “It’s funny, I never realized how easy it is to get a man with these things. I mean, they’re just boobs. But if I push them up, or if they can see my nipples, it’s like they’re my slave or something.”

I said, “How’s it going with the doctor?”

She said, “Which one?”

I said, “What do you mean ‘which one’? The one who you were fucking on my hospital bed.”

She said, “Oh, right, Cyrus. Yeah, I’m done with him. I fucked him out.”

I said, “Jesus, I never thought I’d be hearing this from Ms. Prim and Proper.”

She said, “Screw prim and proper. I’m on a mission.”

I said, “Just be careful.”

She said, “I don’t need to be.”

I said, “What’re you talking about?”

She said, “Don’t worry about it. What about you? What’s your boy situation like?”

I said, “Honey, I’ll be happy when I can stand up without my joints creaking. No sex in the champagne room for Janine.”

She said, “Great! More for me.”

I wondered what the hell happened to her. But again, I didn’t ask.

http://www.thetruthaboutzombies.com

Welcome to the Truth About Zombies

May 20, 2009

We’ve been dicking around with this zombie stuff for, what, three years now, and it’s all been in good fun. Until now. To that end, a quick Q & A …

Q: Do we believe that undead roam the earth?

A: Maybe in Haiti, but not the United States.

Q: Have any of you actually seen a zombie in person?

A: No.

Q: What would you do if you did encounter a zombie?

A: Have a mental meltdown.

Which leads to this:
CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT IS PROBABLY A ZOMBIE

I saw this thing. I smelled this thing. I heard this thing. And I survived this thing. Right. Now let me tell you what happened. And it’s straight out of a shitty horror movie.

Ironically, my pal Dave-o and I had just gotten out of a shitty horror movie, and I was craving an In-n-Out burger, so we picked up some grub, brought it outside, sat on the hood of my car, and shoved down burgers while railing on that piece-of-shit flick. I hadn’t even gotten to my fries yet when a car pulled up, and the driver opened his window. He was
ugly as hell, and twice as smelly, and at first I thought it was a homeless guy, but then I wondered,
What would a homeless guy be doing driving a Mercedes M-Class
?

I yelled out to him, “You need some help with something?” Because he looked like he could use a serious hand. He shook his head and mumbled something I couldn’t make out. While all this was going on, Dave-o pulled out his cell phone and snapped a picture—the very picture you see
HERE
—and that got the dude riled up like a motherfucker. He opened his door, then—and I swear to God this is the 100 percent honest truth—ripped off the car door with his bare hands and threw it to the other side of the parking lot.

At this point, Dave-o said, “We’re out.”

I said, “Wait, I think this guy needs help.”

To which Dave-o responded, “Get in the car, moron. He has a gun.”

I looked back at him and saw that Dave-o was wrong. He didn’t have a gun. He had pulled off his own arm and was cocking it at me like it was a rifle. I raised my arms above my head and said, “We’re cool, man. You want money? We got money. I’m going to reach into my back pocket and get my wallet. Don’t shoot. We’re cool.”

And then he let out a moan that literally made my eardrums bleed, which I’ll share with you now.
CLICK HERE TO SEE MY BLEEDING EARDRUM

Right then, Dave-o fell onto the pavement. I don’t know whether he tripped or whether his brain was blown away by
the guy’s moan—my ears were bleeding, for fuck’s sake, so anything was possible—and then the guy (who, believe it or not, looked familiar to me) jumped over both me and the car and landed on Dave-o’s chest. Then he took his dismembered arm and smacked Dave-o upside his head. I heard Dave-o’s nose crunch, and saw four of his teeth fly out of his mouth. The guy then stepped on Dave-o’s kneecap. Dave-o started screaming, and the guy kept moaning, and then the guy fell on top of Dave-o and bit his ear. Then he went to work on me, and he didn’t stop chewing until people started coming out of the restaurant, at which point he got into his Mercedes and speeded away.

We’re both in the hospital right now. I’ll survive, but they’re giving Dave-o only a 50/50 chance. So I’m done with this website. Our attacker may or may not have been a zombie, but regardless, I’ve lost my taste for this. You can keep posting your comments, but I’m finito. I mean, look at me:
CLICK HERE TO SEE ME IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR, WITH ONE LEG RIPPED OFF

As you might imagine, horror has lost its appeal.

COMMENTS

Swell story, asshole, but I have two words: Photoshop, bitch.
Brew ’n’ View from San Francisco, CA
May 20, 9:33 AM

Awesome!!!!!
Martin from Miami, FL
May 20, 11:42 AM

HOLY SHIT. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT. THE SAME THING SORT OF HAPPENED TO ME AND MY BOYFRIEND. IT WAS LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING AND WE WERE AT OUR 24-HOUR STARBUCKS. WE WERE DRINKING OUR DRINKS AND THERE WAS NOBODY AROUND. A CAR PULLED UP AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MERCEDES BUT I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE. A MAN JUMPED OUT AND HE WAS CARRYING A TIRE IRON. HE SWUNG AND HIT MY BOYFRIEND IN THE NECK AND HE WAS MOVING SO FAST THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING. HE YANKED OFF MY BOYFRIEND’S HEAD AND SUCKED ON THE NECK STUMP. I SCREAMED AND SCREAMED AND THE BARISTA CAME RUNNING OUT OF THE STARBUCKS AND CALLED 911 ON HIS CELL PHONE. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED NEXT BUT I WAS TOLD LATER THAT THE COPS SHOWED UP ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AND TOOK A BUNCH OF SHOTS AT THE GUY BUT HE DIDN’T DIE OR BLEED OR ANYTHING. HE LIFTED UP THE TABLE AND THREW IT AT POLICE CARS THEN GOT INTO HIS OWN CAR AND DROVE AWAY. HE DIDN’T GET A CHANCE TO EAT ME BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD. HIS FUNERAL IS TOMORROW BUT I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO GO BECAUSE I’M REALLY SICK. I’M ALL ITCHY AND I’M GETTING ZITS. MY DOCTORS SAYS IT’S EITHER CHICKEN POX OR STRESS. WHATEVER IT IS I’M SAD AND SCARED AND I HOPE THAT YOU AND DAVE-O ARE OKAY SOON. LOVE …

Cherie from Los Angeles, CA

May 20, 2:18 PM

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS

MAY 21, 2009

ZOMBIES SIGHTED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

LOS ANGELES—First they took over the multiplex, then they took over the bookstores, now they’re taking over the West Coast!

Packs of zombies, the monster du jour, have been spotted throughout Southern California, specifically in Los Angeles, La Quinta, Arcadia, Rancho Cucamonga, Thousand Oaks, and Glendale.

A UCLA physics professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “It’s possible!” A doctor at Cedars-Sinai, who apparently treated several victims of attacks, agreed, saying, “Yes, it’s possible!” The Los Angeles Police Department refused to discuss the matter.

A relative of one victim, however, was brave enough to speak on the record. Bella Napoli, 25, of Los Angeles County, claims that her sister was attacked in a mall parking lot by four undead gentlemen. Napoli says that after the zombies subdued her sister, Gina, 22, they removed her limbs and “did something weird,” after which they reattached the limbs and carried Gina away.

“I haven’t heard from her since,” Bella said with tears rolling down her cheeks, “and I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again.”

So, dear readers, please stay alert when you’re in those mall parking lots, because you never know what’s out there!

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ScaryBarry
tweaking like a motherfucker. better than ever. who wants in?
May 22 2:14 PM
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