Midnight Movie: A Novel (11 page)

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Doctors do little

DATE: April 6, 2009

Warren—

Doctors in L.A. are a joke. Good luck getting a same-day appointment, or quality one-on-one care, or a useful diagnosis. It’s not like the doctors back home are anything to shout about, but man, these California physicians suck.

Last night, my head was throbbing so badly that I went to the emergency room. (If I knew somebody who sold Vicodin, I would’ve gone that route, but sadly, the only illegal drug I know how to procure is Mary Jane Wanna.) I insisted they run every test imaginable—fuck it, the Screen Actors Guild has a good health plan, so why not take full advantage of it?—which meant an MRI, a CT scan, a ton of blood work, and, worst of all, a spinal tap. You ever had a spinal tap? Don’t. They hurt like a bastard.

Anyhoo, I got my wish: a two-week supply of Big V. And we’re not talking Viagra, although I wouldn’t mind some of that right about now. At least it would be a distraction from the orb of pain that is my head.

Gary

http://andidaltrey.blogspot.com

Andi-Licious

The Useless Musings of Sophomoric
Sophomore Andrea Daltrey

APRIL 9, 2009

I HAD ONE!

So I was laying in bed last night thinking about nothing in particular, and then all of a sudden, I had I guess what you could call a vision. But it was so real that it might’ve even been a hallucination. I couldn’t say for sure, because I’ve never hallucinated before. Anyhow, it was a man. Not a man I’d ever seen before. Just a man.

He was in my room, and he kneeled down by the side of my bed and told me that I shouldn’t be scared, that he’d take care of everything. Naturally, I was freaking the hell out … that is, until he started rubbing right where I’d gotten waxed last weekend with the tips of his fingers.

It made me shiver. It felt so real, like he was there in the room with me. He traced his fingertips up my tummy, right to the bottom of my breasts, and then back down again. He went back and forth and back and forth, and finally he went all the way down there and he did a little flick, and this tingle started from my ankles, and shot up my legs, then through my thighs, then it went right past down there and all the way to my head.

Then he was gone.

My eyes were shut, and I think I was asleep and dreaming, but it’s possible I was fantasizing about this ghost guy, or maybe the shaved-head guy in my women’s studies class, or my trig teacher, the very hot Mr. Lawrence Ellison (oh my God he’s hot!). Whatever I was thinking about, I woke up with my hand in between my legs, and it was soaked, and I was rubbing, and rubbing, and rubbing on this one spot, and it was perfect. It dawned on me that I had a real, honest-to-goodness orgasm. It was like I won the lottery or something.

I hope Janine doesn’t read this. I shouldn’t even be blogging this. But I can’t help it. I want to SHARE! No, I HAVE to share! It’s really really really weird. My brain is telling me to tell you, and if I don’t tell you, I should poke myself in the eye with a fork.

HOUSTON CHRONICLE

EXPLOSION IN ROUND ROCK KILLS THREE, INJURES 12

FIVE-ALARM FIRE CONTINUES TO RAGE

APRIL 11, 2009

BY LEANN MORGAN

Round Rock, TX—An explosion in an apartment building located in Round Rock that housed what police are calling a “crystal methamphetamine laboratory” killed a University of Texas student and two local teenagers, as well as injuring 12 bystanders. Of the 12 injured, eight are in critical condition at the St. David’s Round Rock Medical Center.

The three deceased are Steven Lackey, 21, the primary occupant of the apartment; Karen Czarnecki, 19, and Angela Gallo, 19.

The explosion sparked a five-alarm fire that raged for 15 hours across three city blocks. The property damage is estimated to be $1.5 million.

An eyewitness said, “It looked like a bottle rocket shot out of Steve’s window. When the spark landed on the street, it made kind of a mushroom cloud, then it looked like the street went up in flames. It reeked something awful. You can still feel the stink.”

Detective Pedro Rodriguez commented, “Crystal meth has been a major problem in our area for the past decade. There have been countless explosions in countless so-called labs across the city, most of them contained. Obviously this one is, by far, the worst. We are putting together a special task force that we hope will go a long way toward putting an end to the epidemic.”

Funeral plans for the three deceased have yet to be disclosed.