Merger (19 page)

“I know he is and I’m crazy about him
. I’m just not good with this kind of thing. I’m scared and confused,” I croaked.

“Confused about what?”

“Don’t worry, Jake. I promise I’ll talk to him. I appreciate your concern. It will be okay. I swear.”

“I sure hope so
. You guys would be great together. Whatever it is, talk to him. Promise me?” He put his hand around my neck and kissed my head.

It was at that moment that Josh decided to walk out of the bathroom
. Fuming, he advanced the bar. He grabbed his glass of wine and stepped back slightly from the three of us. Jake moved over, as did Beth, allowing Josh to resume his seat next to me. Josh quickly placed his hand on his brother’s back and told him not to move, he’d stand. Jake moved over anyway, but Josh still stood, drinking his wine and staring absentmindedly away from us.

I turned my stool around and looked at him
. “Want to talk?”

“About what?” he replied.

“Please.” I asked again.

“Sure
. Where shall we have this little talk, Kasey?” he shot back, coldly.

“Well, I’m not sure Joshua
. You can sit down next to me or we can grab a table. Your choice.” I spoke with the same callousness, but I was crumbling inside.

He grabbed my arm, gently pulling me from my seat and leading me to a table just across the room
. He sat down and I took a chair across from him.

“Wow
,” he said, shaking his head. “You don’t even want to sit next to me. Interesting?”

I got up and moved to slide into the booth next to him and he slid over creating a division and looking at me angrily
.

“Why are you so mad at me
, Josh?” I asked.

“Well I don’t know K.K.
, let me see. You walk in here tonight and act like I am some stranger sitting next to a group of people you know. You have barely spoken to me, barely looked at me and then when I think that you can’t hurt me any more, I walk out to find my brother kissing your head and his arm around your neck. I just don’t fucking know. Does any of that sound reason enough to be mad? Or is it because I all but told my Dad and brother that I’m falling head over heels for you? I just don’t know which of those things I most pissed about.”

“What?” I said
, shocked. My mouth hung open.

“Whatever
.” He stood up abruptly. “I’ve clearly made a mistake. It’s okay. We’ll be great business partners and maybe one day we can be friends. I’d really like that. The offer still stands about a place to stay tonight. I’ll take the couch and you can have the bed.”

“Josh
. Will you please sit down?” I felt like my heart was shattering and I didn’t know how to keep the pieces from falling.

“Why
? What is there to say? You have made it abundantly clear that you do not feel the same way as I do.” His eyes pierced into mine.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I
asked.

“What
? What are you talking about K.K.?” He shook his head quickly. “Wow. You must think I’m a real piece of shit to ask me a question like that. Do you honestly think that I would have spent the last three days holding you, kissing you, pouring my heart out to you, and sleeping with you if I had a girlfriend? The answer’s no, but I shouldn’t have had to tell you that. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here? Because I’m a little fucking confused.”

I looked away from his face and down to my hands
, feeling embarrassed and sad. Not knowing where to start.

“Please look at me
, K.K. I hate when you do that, damn it? Look at me and tell me what’s going on. I deserve that I think…don’t you?”

“Yes
,” I said, now looking into his eyes.

He was the one who now took a seat opposite me on the other side of the table
. He placed his glass on the table and spun his wine in circles waiting for some kind of response from me.

I sighed.
“You got a call today. It was when we were taking a nap. I knew it was your phone and not mine. When I went to grab it for you, there was the picture of a very, very pretty blonde on the screen. It just made me second guess everything and instead of asking you about it, I just acted like I didn’t see that you received a call from some other woman. Then it dawned on me that I’d gotten so caught up in you that I’d never really asked if there was someone back home in California anxiously waiting your return.” There. I’d said it.

“That’s what this is all about
. A stupid phone call from a woman?” He tilted his head. “Her name is Megan and she is not my girlfriend. She’s been watching my house and my dog while I’ve been here in New York and she wanted to let me know that everything was going okay. For me not to worry about Daisy or my house.” He replied.

“Daisy
?” I questioned.

“My Basset H
ound,” he said, but with a less than happy demeanor.

“Listen
, it wasn’t so much about the phone call Josh. It was just a million things at that point. I don’t know that much about you? I know you’re incredibly sexy. I know you are passionate and I think you have a great business mind, but outside of that, I don’t know much else. Three days, is just that, three days. I got scared and I tried to convince myself that maybe I was making a mistake liking you. My heart was feeling so full and fragile. I’m so afraid you’ll break it and I’m just ill equipped to put it back together.”

“So, instead you thought you’d come right in here tonight and break mine.” He took a sip of wine
. “Classic move, girl wonder.”

“Okay
. Now you’re just being an asshole,” I said. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for everything.” I started to get up because I knew at that point I was going to break down and cry and I didn’t want to fall apart in front of him or Jake and Beth.

“Where are you going?”
He grabbed my hand.

I turned to look at him, unable to keep the tears from welling in my eyes and looking slightly up, so that they wouldn’t spill down my cheeks
.

“To the restroom
. I’ll be back and we can go sit with Jake and Beth. Just give me a minute.” I pulled free and walked hastily for the bathroom, the tears now spilling down my cheeks and feeling like I’d squeezed them right out of my heart. And it hurt, just like I knew it would.

I stood in the bathroom, not having to pee, but needing the escape
. I looked into the mirror feeling stupid and sad. I blotted my eyes, trying not to mess up my mascara. I fluffed my hair with my fingers, tussling it back into style. I was trying to recreate myself into a better version than I’d come in here looking, but it seemed futile and at that point, I didn’t really care. I brushed my skirt down my thighs, fixed my shirt, and made sure I didn’t look like I’d just cut an onion. I walked out the door and found Josh waiting in the hallway for me.

“Hey.” I
tried to sound casual.

“Can I kiss you?”
he asked.

“Why
, Josh? I don’t want to hurt you and I know that I already have. I’m so sorry. You deserved better. I just didn’t know how to give it to you. You said that I brood about everything and you’re right. I think everything to death. I hate myself for hurting you. Please know that I never meant to.” I looked into his blue eyes. “Will you accept my apology?”

“No. I won’t
. But I will let you make it up to me.” He leaned closer. “Kiss me.”

“I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing
,” I said. “Am I coming or going…I’m lost in this whole thing Josh and it all feels so real and tragic. We just need to stop before this goes so far one of us never recovers. And I assure you it will be me. Don’t hurt me because I let you down.” I continued. “I’m honestly hanging by a small string and I don’t know if I can take much more. We have to get through tomorrow and I just need to keep my heart intact. Please. I’m begging you now.”

“Kissing me shouldn’t hurt
, K.K. It’s meant to be an act of passion and adoration, but that’s fine. I said I would give you whatever you wanted and if this is it, then I’ll walk away, but be sure because I’m not sure my heart can take much more either.” He stood there, looking into my eyes hurt and sad.

I turned away cowardly and walked over to the bar, away from the dream of Josh Crawford
. My stomach felt sick with heartache.

Chapter 16

Joshua

I couldn’t believe how the night had turned to complete hell
. I knew there was something off tonight before we left the house. I should have pried a lot harder and maybe I could have avoided this mess all together.

I was crazy about her
. Babbling on all night like a love struck teenager to my Dad and brother. Didn’t I look like a fucking idiot? She walked in and suddenly I was invisible. Maybe I shouldn’t have called her “baby.” I could tell instantly that it threw her off. It just never occurred to me not to share the same affection with her that we had shared the last several days. God, I felt stupid. I sat there drinking my wine, while everyone around me was oblivious to my angst. I normally could have played it off, but in that very moment I wasn’t interested in game playing. I was mad that she was acting so distant. Weren’t we two grown adults?

When our fathers left, I put on a fake smile and made sure that Mr. Blakely knew I was his man in this merger and that I wouldn’t let him down, but the only person I wanted to know that I was her man was K.K
. My anger was now starting to bubble up and I had little power to quell it. I was never one to yell, and I didn’t rant and rave. I was always so methodical and made sure I knew what the next move was or what I’d say in any given situation.

I sat on the barstool contemplating my next move when she sat down next to me
, trying to offer up some cute response. I was downright pissed at this point and excused myself to the restroom. For what I didn’t know, because I didn’t have to go to bathroom. For once maybe it was me that needed the space to brood. I leaned over the vanity with both hands looking into the bathroom sink aimlessly trying to decide what to do, when I just wanted to go out there and pull her into my arms and kiss her.
I was so fucked.

I walked out with the intention of fixing this whole mess, when I see my brother with his arm around K.K., kissing her head
.
What the hell?
I knew it was nothing because Jake was my brother and he knew how much K.K. meant to me. It just made me mad that she was so easily affectionate with him, but had been so cold to me.

When she asked me to talk, I knew I was being an asshole, but I just couldn’t be any other way at that moment
. I was mad and I needed an explanation. What I got was a slap in the face. When she asked me if I had a girlfriend, I almost choked on my wine. All I could think was how little she thought of me. Had someone hurt her before with a similar situation? I tried to rationalize where her head was, when she started in with us not know each other and rolling on blow by blow to my gut with things that she liked about me and then reasons to not like those things. Now I was the one overwhelmed. How could I pull her back to me? Where did I go from here?

I needed to kiss her
. Comfort her. Assure her that we could work this out. Let her know that while this was new, it was new for both of us. The fun would be in the discovery. I wanted to discover all of it with her. I had to make her see.

When she walked to the restroom, it only took me seconds to know that I wanted to be the first thing she saw when she opened that door
. I almost ran to the door and fidgeted until she came out.

I begged her to kiss me, but she maintained her distance with me
. I knew she felt the same way about me as I did her, but I wouldn’t beg. I’d give her the distance she needed and hope that she would find her way back to me.

We walked to the bar and joined the others
, both of us distant with each other and now with my brother and Beth. It all felt awkward. I didn’t want to play at friendship when I wanted so much more.

“I think I’m going to call it a night
,” I said to the gang. “Tomorrow’s a big day.”

I looked at K.K. and she stood looking stunned
. My leaving was clearly putting her in a quandary. Was she staying with me? Going with Beth, or to her Dad’s (I doubted)? I didn’t push her, but merely asked if she wanted to share a cab with me. When she replied no, that she’d stay, I turned and walked out the door. I patted my brother on the back, reminding him to make sure and get the tab. He reached up and hugged me. I could clearly see that he’d made some connection with Beth and hoped that he’d fair better than I had. This night officially sucked. It felt oddly strange, but I’d imagine this is what it was like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on, and it sucked.

I exited the bar decided
to walk the couple of blocks instead of taking a cab. I was halfway down the block when I heard her yell my name.

“Josh
!” I turned back to see her standing outside the door of Stella’s. She was looking at me, I was looking at her, but neither of us moving or advancing the other. I knew I wanted to walk back to her, but I didn’t move. I felt like an asshole just standing there with my hands in my pockets. Then she moved up the street towards me. “Wait for me. I want to walk home with you.”

I knew that I should go back to meet her at some midpoint on the street, but I didn’t
. I wanted to her walk the entire distance alone. Like it was some form of punishment for hurting me. It was an asshole move and I knew it, but just stood there and waited until she reached me.

When she finally was within steps
, I said, “Sure.” I turned around and we fell into step, her meeting my stride as we walked quietly for several steps before I spoke.

“I thought you’d hang
out a little longer. Is Beth cool staying with Jake?” I asked.

“I think Beth is more than cool with Jake
. They seemed to really hit it off. I know I don’t have to tell you, your brother’s quite the charmer. I think she’s rather smitten with Jake.” She continued. “I think they were going to go out to a club and I just wasn’t up to it. You don’t mind if I stay with you, do you?”

“No, I’m happy to let you stay.”

“Thanks, Josh. I appreciate it. I know you’re upset with me. I’m so sorry.”

I wanted to reach out and grab her and pull her to me, but I knew
it wasn’t what she wanted. She was pulling away and I needed to give her the space to do it, even if it hurt. I’d put on a show of friendship, so that it didn’t ruin our business relationship, but I wanted more. I put my arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick squeeze. “It’s okay,” I said. “Don’t apologize anymore.”

We walked into the building
, Marcus waving as we made our way to the elevator. We got in and it started to rise. I didn’t know where to look, so I just looked forward. I could feel the heat from her body as she moved closer to me, then put her hand in mine.

I held her hand until the doors of the elevator opened and
we walked inside the apartment. I dropped the keys on the counter.

“Want anything?” I
asked, looking at K.K. for any response. I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t quite know what to say or what to do with myself.

She stared at me like she wanted to say something, but replied simply, “No thanks.”

“I’m going to change and then get a pillow and blanket. You sleep in the bed.” I walked toward the stairs and left her standing in the middle of the living room.
Fuckity-fuck-fuck!

I was standing at the vanity brushing my teeth when she came in
. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was wearing one of my shirts. She looked amazing. My gaze didn’t waver as she moved about me.

“I hope you don’t mind if I borrowed one of your shirts
,” she said casually. I stopped brushing my teeth, and answered with a mouth full of foamy toothpaste. I shook my head from side to side.

“No, it looks good on you.” She smiled at me and it felt like the air had suddenly gotten thinner
. I spit the toothpaste in the sink and smiled back at her. I walked around her leaving the bathroom and grabbed a pillow from the bed. I knew there was a throw blanket on the couch, so I didn’t need to take any of the covers from the bed. I walked downstairs and sat on the couch, too anxious for sleep. At this rate, I’d be lucky if I slept at all, knowing she was just up the stairs. I walked over to the bar and poured myself a glass of scotch, neat.

She came down and sat next to me
. “May I have a sip?” she asked.

“You like scotch?”

“I don’t know that I’ve ever had scotch actually. Is there anything in it, like a mixer, or is it just liquor?” she asked.

“Just liquor.” I handed her the glass and she took a sip
. She jerked up, spilling some while grabbing at her throat, then spit the brown liquid back into my glass.

“Oh my god
,” she said, handing me back the glass. She leaped up and ran for the water faucet, throwing her head under the flow of water and allowing the water to run into her mouth. She turned around to see me laughing on the couch.

“Not funny
, Josh. That shit burned the hell out of my throat.” I continued to laugh and she came barreling across the room and jumped on me, pinning me to the couch and tickling my sides. I put the glass on the coffee table and continued to laugh. I tried to pull away from her hands, but she had me trapped between her legs.

“You knew that was going to be awful and you let me drink it anyway
. How do you drink that?” she asked.

“I won’t be now
, after you spit in it.” I looked up at her. My shirt was gaping open and the supple roundness of her right breast was peeking out. She stayed straddling me and I couldn’t help but put my hands on her thighs. “You’re so beautiful K.K.” I said.

“Thanks
,” she replied, pulling one leg down to the floor and trying to get up, realizing that she’d instigated something between us.

“Please don’t go
. I promise to be a perfect gentleman. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m just being touch-feely me. I’ll stop.”

It was odd to be going in reverse with someone
. K.K. had me baffled. I wasn’t accustomed to the chase with woman. Frankly, they were usually agreeable and needy—always willing to follow my lead and rarely aggressive enough to keep my interest. It was always a lame retreat when they’d try to get to personal with me. They could never hold my interest after the first three or four dates and while the sex was usually okay, I would grow tired of the lack of true intimacy and depth and always cut them loose.

Then here I was sitting across from the most stimulating woman I’d ever met
. We’d had the best sex of my life over and over the last couple of days. I could feel her body still under mine. I could still recall the sweet taste of her mouth on mine. And now I sat here looking at her as she un-straddled me to sit on the couch. I was at my wits end wondering how she could cut me so deeply and swiftly. I was ill prepared to wrap my head around it. It probably was the best thing, if I was honest with myself; she and I had a business to run. I just couldn’t free myself from believing there was more to us.

She settled into the couch opposite from me
, tucking her legs and feet under her hips. She pulled at her shirt in an attempt to cover up her legs. It kind of pissed me off and I wanted to slap at her hand and pull her long legs out over my lap, but I stared at her in disbelief.

“It’s not as if I’m going to lunge on you, you can relax
. Have we gone so far back from the last couple of days that we can’t be comfortable around each other?” I asked. My look was one of bewilderment and I felt like such an idiot.

“I don’t know how to be
, Josh. We’ve been so intimate with one another and I know that I’ve hurt your feelings tonight. Frankly, I’m a little ashamed. I’m usually better at maneuvering through things personally and professionally.” It was true, even if my words felt grovely. I hadn’t conquered the whole falling in love thing because I’d never experienced it before. I’d dated and had very meaningful relationships, but nothing like this. It was raw and powerful. “Maybe this is why I’m still single. I’m not all that good with the whole dating thing.”

“First, be yourself
. I don’t want you to feel like you ever have to put on an act with me. If you’re mad be mad, if you’re happy I want to know that too. Secondly, maybe you have hurt my pride a little bit, but I’m a big boy I’ll get over it. Thirdly, dating isn’t easy for anyone. It’s about discovery and how people fit together. Nobody is perfect at it. Maybe you should just let things happen instead of always trying to control everything.”

“I try to control everything so that I can anticipate the outcome
. I don’t know how to anticipate the outcome of you personally, but I’m pretty sure I can manage myself around you professionally. That’s why I pulled back. It wasn’t to hurt you or bruise your larger than life ego.” She grinned and I felt like I’d finally broken down some of her defenses. Her shoulders eased and her arms became more languid as we continued talking. Both of us were working at filling the unknown space between us with the knowledge of each other’s lives prior to three days ago, when she stumbled into me at the gym and everything changed. I hadn’t put much thought into anything but her since.

         
She wanted to know more about me and me the same. We sat for hour’s just talking, closing the personal gap on the years of our lives. She knew my passion for fast cars and even shared the fact that she owned a Porsche 911 that her Dad bought her when she graduated with her masters. She didn’t drive much, but I liked knowing she had an awesome car in the basement. I talked to her about my house in Malibu and about wanting something in New York. I showed her some of the places that I’d seen and she gave her opinion of the city and where she thought I’d be happiest. I knew I’d be happiest at her place when I was in New York, but I didn’t tell her that as we perused the specs for the places I’d seen. She hadn’t dated anyone in a long time and I got the impression that her last boyfriend was a real dick. It made me insanely mad that someone could hurt her or trample her feelings, but then I wondered if other women could say the same thing about me and I backed off talking too much about it. We both talked about our mothers dealing with cancer and what it meant to recover, or not, from that loss. I didn’t realize it was one o’clock in the morning until her third yawn. Her head dipped to the right and laid gently on the side of the couch.