Memories of Gold (18 page)

So many of her old memories were tied up with Jimmy that it was hard to go anywhere in town without thinking of him, and she was constantly forcing tiny stray thoughts and images from transforming into recollections of Jimmy from the past few days. They seemed to appear of their own will, unwanted and unbidden—his hair, his eyes and the crinkles around them when he smiled, the sound of his voice, a million other little things. They were all too fresh in her mind.

But there was no time to dwell on all that, and she clenched her jaw and forced herself to think about the Jimmy-less present and the tasks at hand. She had already spoken to Mrs. Harper and had arranged to pick up Emma in the morning, gone to the bank for her savings—an especially difficult chore, both because most of it was shut down, making the process excruciatingly slow, and because the employees were still talking about the robbery and death of the manager—and now she was getting the last few things ordered and packaged that she would like to take with her.

She still was unsure exactly what she would do once she got to Redding , but she had decided to be optimistic and hope she would be able to find a small unwanted home to let or purchase quickly. It was a big town. She wouldn’t allow her mind to worry about the what-ifs. After all, what other option was there if she wanted to get out of Shasta?

She didn’t even really want to stay another night in town; nearly everything about the place sent sickening feelings through her stomach as memory after painful memory came back.

One last night to get everything packed up on Mr. Swenson’s cart, and then she and Emma would be leaving in the morning on the coach. Maria had decided to have Josie and Alice come down a few days after her so she’d have just time enough to find a home before they arrived.

Poor Josie. Another weight that pressed down upon Maria’s soul, despite Josie’s calm attitude toward the situation. In fact, Josie seemed perfectly content. She was staying with the family who had taken care of Alice for so long, and seemed in no rush to do anything but tend to her daughter. She didn’t want to lose her friend, but Josie’s equanimity was helping her accept the fact.

Maria turned her mind back to the task at hand. It was evening, she had finished her final purchases, but she had no answer as to where to stay the night. Her room above the saloon was out of the question, and she hated to go back to the Swensons and ask them for more favors.

She made a decision that she knew would be painful, but felt necessary. She went to Jimmy’s boarding house.

At the door, the boardinghouse woman whose name Maria couldn’t remember greeted her with a proper nod, but seemed a little hesitant regarding the young woman’s reappearance. Maria explained that she wanted to stay in Jimmy’s room for the night and the woman put her hands on her hips and shook her head with conviction. “Oh, no Miss. That is not allowed. I don’t run that kind of house.”

She recognized Maria, that much was clear. Maria was impressed that the lady had given no indication of it the morning before when they first met, though Maria had been quite distraught and could have missed the telltale clues. She didn’t want to think about that time, which seemed so long ago despite fewer than forty-eight hours having passed since. “You don’t understand. Jimmy and I were –“

She wasn’t sure what to say and stumbled. The tears had again sprung into her eyes and were threatening to overtake her, but she knew she had to keep it together enough to talk to this woman.

“We were going to be married,” she finally said, though it twisted her heart to think about his not-exactly-a-proposal and declaration of love, and the difficulties they experienced when trying to decide their future together that they would never have.

The older woman looked back at her, eyebrows raised, unsure of how to respond. Maria continued, “Please, just let me stay the night. He didn’t have any family, and I’m leaving town in the morning. I don’t want his things to be tossed in a corner somewhere or thrown away.”

She wiped away the tears starting in her eyes, her face feeling raw from the number of times she had performed that action. Mrs. Jessup’s look softened, and she nodded slightly. “Okay, you can stay for one night. Just keep to the room, if you don’t mind. I don’t need the boys causing a ruckus or my house getting a reputation.”

Maria nodded and followed her into the house. As they climbed the stairs, the woman spoke over her shoulder to Maria. “Normally, I wouldn’t allow something like this, but he paid through the end of the week and I haven’t done anything with his things yet. Besides, he was a nice boy.”

Maria didn’t respond—no response seemed necessary—but the small kindness seeped into her heart. Jimmy was always kind to everyone, even this somewhat severe landlady.

At the top of the stairs, Maria hesitated for only a second before stepping into the room where Jimmy had stayed. The door closed slowly behind her, and she found herself alone in the small space, the deepening dusk creating a world of shadows. She found the small lantern from their excursion into the cave on a nearby table and lit it, banishing the darkness and allowing her to see the objects in the room.

Slowly, she began to pick up objects on the washstand—his comb, a small metal daguerreotype of him as a child standing with his parents, a locket that once belonged to his mother. There was not much else in the room that belonged to him: his Sunday clothes and a small canvas bag were all that was left. She put his things into the canvas bag and took another look around. In no time at all, the room was no longer his. She didn’t know what to do next.

Sleep was the only actual option. She unlaced her dress slightly, realizing she had nothing else to wear the next day. She stripped down into her undergarments, blew out the lantern she had lit only a few minutes before, and crawled onto the bed. She could still smell him there, and she allowed herself to wallow in her sadness before sleep overtook her.

The next morning, she woke to the early morning rays of the sun on her face and breathed a heavy sigh, getting up and dressing only through sheer force of will. She had slept deeply, which helped, but she still felt mentally exhausted. She couldn’t let herself rest longer, however, as she needed to get Emma and to the coach before the morning wore on too much, and there were still a few last things she had to do.

She left the house, making as little noise as possible to avoid disturbing the other inhabitants, carrying the small bag of Jimmy’s possessions.

By ten o’clock, Mary had packed a single trunk with items she and Emma would need for a few days. Mr. Swenson and Josie would arrive with the rest of their things after that. She had also purchased seats with the post carriage that would be going to Redding that day. It was scheduled to leave at eleven, so Maria sat down on a bench, holding Emma’s hand. Emma sat beside her, taking in all the sights with a little apprehension.

Maria had been able thus far to keep Emma calm, but knew that too much change could cause a fit, so she constantly spoke to her in a soothing voice, explaining what they were doing and how they were going to live together. Emma probably understand only a small portion of what she said, but Maria felt that her voice would at the very least help, and the words calmed Maria’s own heart more than she would admit.

“It will be so nice in Redding, Emma. We shall get a small house and live there together. I’ll take care of you, just like your mama wanted. Josie and her little girl will come to stay, and the four of us will have such a nice time together. We can be a family. This is going to be a good move. We will be fine.”

She squeezed Emma’s hand slightly, and the younger girl giggled. Maria smiled at her.
We’ll be fine,
she silently repeated, feeling the strength and resolve within her pushing her away from Shasta and into this new life.

After what felt like a very short time to Maria, they stood up and entered the coach that would take them to Redding.

Jimmy’s right fist clenched and unclenched in a quick gesture of frustration at his arm’s loss of mobility, then he tried once again to put both hands on the table top. After some pain and maneuvering, he was able to get his left hand where he wanted it to be without needing to lift it with his right. It was nowhere near normal yet, but his pain had certainly diminished, and it was heartening to see the improvement.

Now that both hands were where he wanted them, he held down one of the carrots in front of him and began to chop it into slices like Guadalupe had shown him. Her pieces were much more even and had been completed at a much faster pace, but she seemed appreciative of his help and he was happy to be doing something useful.

Guadalupe walked in the door with a pail of water and scooped handfuls of the cut vegetable pieces, tossing them into the large pot already heating on the stove. The promise of stew wafted through the air, making the unpleasant heat bearable. “Smells good already,” commented Jimmy.

Guadalupe nodded. “Yes. You have been very helpful. Thank you.”

Jimmy smiled shyly, knowing that the compliment was unjustified—that the small amount he had done was in no way recompense for her services to him—yet he was still happy to receive her praise. He looked around the small main room of her home, wondering if there was anything more significant he could do for her. Though he had done little handiwork during his life, he had a few basic skills that he could put to use.

Unfortunately, it seemed the woman’s skills in that regard outstripped his, or she had a man around in the not-too-distant past, because he could see a mended part of the wall that was fixed not very long before and was sound work. The furniture was sturdy and nothing seemed to need any repairs at all.

“Have you taken care of this place all by yourself? Everything looks solid and well-cared for.”

He thought she would appreciate the compliment, but when he looked back at her after finishing his survey of the area, he was startled to see that her face had lost its color and her jaw was set in a grimace of pain.

“I am sorry!” he exclaimed, not knowing how to stop whatever damage his words had caused.

She smiled, though her eyes were brimming with tears, and sat down near him at the table. “No, don’t be sorry. You did nothing wrong. My husband—“ her voice faltered for a moment “—he took good care of our home. He died last month. I lost
mi amor
.”

Inwardly berating himself for thoughtlessness, he put his hand on her shoulder, glad she was on his right side so he could use his good arm. She leaned forward, her elbows on the table, and breathed deeply for a few moments. She smiled at him once again and rose to attend to the stew, though the ministrations were likely unnecessary.

“Our horse was scared by a snake. He fell and the horse stepped on him. He was hurt too much.”

Jimmy could see the pain in her face as she relived the loss of her husband, and his heart went out to her. He had nothing comforting enough to say to her. How do you console someone fighting that kind of pain? Finally, he simply said, “That’s terrible, Guadalupe. Is there anything I can do?”

She stopped stirring and turned to him in earnest. “You have already done more than you think, Jimmy. I have been alone too much, and that leaves me too much time in my own head. Finding you, helping you get better, has given me something important to do. And another person in the house is very nice. You help more than you know. How could I get the bread and stew done without you?”

He laughed, and her smile became more genuine, a sign of actual mirth rather than a mask over her feelings. He said, “That’s why the bank made me a manager, you know. Because I’m one heck of a cook.”

Her smile turned into a full laugh, and he was happy to have caused it. After she quieted, she told him, “I sold the horse afterwards. Now I am sorry I did, because I trapped you here without any way to contact anybody from the bank or your Maria. I wish I could do something to fix this problem.”

At the sound of Maria’s name, Jimmy felt his unease rise within him once again. How was she? Did she think he was dead? Almost certainly, and it squeezed his heart to know that he had hurt her, even if it was unintentional.

There was more to his disquiet, though. An underpinning of fear. He was sure that his death would upset her, but what if she decided this clean break was for the best? She had always been more than practical, and the thought of going back to her only to be rejected was more than he could bear.

He couldn’t let himself think of that possibility. He cleared his throat and responded to Guadalupe’s questioning eyes. “You’ve done so much. You saved my life. And I cannot possibly blame you for not having a horse after… Well, I will be getting back to Shasta soon, and in the meantime I’m going to help you all I can.”

He tried to throw an air of lightness into the last few words, hoping that they could go back to more pleasant conversation, though it seemed like she noticed that he had omitted Maria’s name. He just wasn’t sure he would be able to get through it in a steady voice.

Still, she said nothing about it and nodded briskly, her eyes twinkling with humor. “Good, because I plan to work you to the bone before the week is done.”

He laughed, and relished the feeling. He had spent so much time the past couple days unhappy or worried that it felt good to let go and laugh for a moment. “What task do you have for me to do? I am quite ready.”

“You are going to lie down and relax and let yourself heal.”