Mealtimes and Milestones (13 page)

Tuesday 25 December

This Christmas is definitely more valued for two reasons:

From my parents I got a bracelet with the Lord’s Prayer written around it which felt really special, because I think that I have definitely used Him quite a lot during
this journey, and I feel more connected with Him now that I have this bracelet, because it feels like He is with me always.

Wednesday 26 December

Coming back to hospital on Boxing Day was hard. There was something so special about being at home and being normal, and my time with my family has given me a huge insight
into what my life can be like when I am better and home.

I am at the stage where I am ready to move on from anorexia, and I really want to, but it is so hard to come back to a place full of NG tubes and underweight people. It is a constant reminder of
my past, from which I now greatly want to move on.

Thursday 27 December

Weighing: I had lost quite a bit over my time at home. I hadn’t done anything extra on purpose to lose any, but I can’t help being really proud, especially as
it wasn’t on purpose – that just makes the pride even greater.

Friday 28 December

When Mum and Dad picked me up from hospital today we went to Wales for a weekend treat, which was so exciting, and gave me a real boost of confidence, because it is a
place that I love to be.

However, it does bring up some hard memories because it was the first place where I tried to make myself sick. I failed the first time, but I still went consciously into the bathroom with that
intention, and that emotion and strong urge is something that I don’t want to remember. It is that voice that tells you that you HAVE to do this. There is no way out, and you can’t
ignore it. You know deep down somewhere inside your mixed-up mind that it is wrong, but you just can’t understand how or why.

Saturday 29 December

We did absolutely nothing today. It was really nice to relax!

Sunday 30 December

In order to go surfing, I had to eat an extra snack. I say ‘had to’ but I guess that I didn’t have to, which then gets on to the question, ‘Who am
I actually doing this for?’ Am I doing this for myself, or for other people? I often think that I am doing it for other people just to get a quiet life almost. If I do eat then people
don’t seem to interrogate me so much. However, in the back of my head I DO know that I am doing this for myself, because I have seen glimpses of my future at home, and it is these glimpses
that I have to grab and hold on to.

Surfing was great. I loved every second of it, and I forgot every single one of my difficulties, which is such an uplifting experience. Lunch afterwards was hard, though, everything seemed to
catch up with me. I didn’t like the thought that people could see me in a tight wet-suit, I felt so self-conscious. My parents also seemed to be very tense, which didn’t help me, and
their tension transmitted through to me, making me feel very uncomfortable. I also had a huge guilt from eating the extra snack.

I can’t put the two and two together yet, which is that if you do exercise you burn calories so by eating extra you aren’t gaining any more weight, you are just making up for the
lost calories. I can understand it in principle, but something about it just doesn’t seem right in my brain. Extra food very much equals extra fat. I also felt that I had more food on my
plate than my parents.

I just sat there and stared at this plate of food and the more I stared at it the bigger it seemed to get, and the task became even more daunting. At first I said to Mum and Dad that the problem
was that I had a bigger portion. As the minutes passed, though, I lowered my very anorexic, defensive barrier and together we realized that it wasn’t really about the portion size, but about
all those other things which had unbalanced me.

This was quite an interesting experience because I got to see the power and effectiveness of expressing your feelings and how communicating and talking DOES WORK.

Monday 31 December

We were meant to be going to a New Year’s Eve party, but once again it all just got too much like yesterday and an explosion of fears and emotions came out. It was
like an exact repeat of yesterday. A black cloud covers up your mind, and all of your rational thinking. It actually feels like something is compressing your head, it’s almost physical. You
are aware of it, and can acknowledge it, after all it has been your friend, but as soon as it re-emerges, you become so lost and unaware of your real emotions that it just takes over
everything.

I put up my wall of protection, my anorexic barrier – everyone is trying to make me fat, you don’t understand, etc. Mum stayed very calm during this moment of vulnerability, but was
stern with me, which was really great. It was the perfect combination between empathy and strong positive reinforcement. Her words were,

‘Yes, you have put on weight, but that is because you’ve been admitted to hospital with starvation, and you would have died if you continued to lose weight.’

I felt a sudden change; I turned on my light of truth and pushed away my wall. It was protecting me from all my other feelings, which I learnt from yesterday are far more real and truthful, and
this other load of crap that anorexia tells me is all rubbish!

My truthful feelings were that I didn’t want to celebrate something that I didn’t want to happen. The new year of 2008 signifies moving on into the unknown, reaching out further into
the world. Being at school in two weeks, being discharged in six weeks – can I really manage it all? Am I ready? People won’t understand that I am still ill, I’m recovering, but
still ill because it is not about appearance any more. There are also anxieties about school. I haven’t got my uniform yet, what if I don’t fit in?

Today was another example when talking helped, and I realized that it was the underlying things that mattered. We didn’t go to the party.

Tuesday 1 January

I wouldn’t be lying if I said that we did nothing, because we didn’t do anything I just flopped in front of the television, watched films, did a puzzle, and
tried to be hopeful about 2008.

Wednesday 2 January

Back at the unit today I had a handover with my case manager, which was really good because all the things that had cropped up during the five days at home could go
directly to her. One particular thing that came up was my phobia of birds, especially pheasants, which has become much worse, and we wondered whether it is related to other anxieties. She thinks it
probably is, and suggested that it would be thought about more during the rest of my time here.

Thursday 3 January

It’s the start of 2008, so the theme in Creative Group was, ‘What would you like to have in 2008 if you could rule the world?’ I drew a black-and-white
world with a shining glittery light coming from the corner. Because if anything this year, I want light to shine on my world, and show me the way forward to a new world in this New Year.

The picture I drew in Creative Group – light shining on my world

Friday 4 January

I found out today that my second key worker isn’t going to be there when I am discharged either – she is going to be on annual leave. So now, neither of my
original key workers are going to be there. When I got in the car to go home with Mum and Dad I cried – key workers are meant to say goodbye to their key person, not the other way round.

Saturday 5 January

In the morning we went school uniform shopping, but I was a bit anxious about it because I know that we are going because my old school uniform doesn’t fit me any
more. I was OK for most of it, but eventually it became too much and I realized that I needed to stop so I said–

‘Can we go?’

–which Mum was fine about. I could feel myself going down a very negative track, and I had to get out before I started to compare myself or self-criticize my body even more. We got the
uniform, though, which helped me feel more confident about going back to school, even if I wasn’t feeling so confident on the inside.

What threw me slightly was having to eat my snacks in a café where we met my aunt, mostly because I wasn’t expecting it. I got really worried about people looking at me and felt
very self-conscious, especially because one of my snacks was chocolate and that is what I consider as a ‘greedy food’. I just had to keep in mind how far I had come and how much courage
I was showing by overcoming this challenge.

I have found it really hard to sleep at night recently. I spoke to Mum about it before I went to bed last night and we did some relaxation exercises to try to help me. I have also found that
I’ve got a shortness of breath. It’s happened in the past during quite stressful times for me – particularly in Year 6 when I was swimming with a club, doing gymnastics with
another club, had exams, etc. So I guess it is not surprising that it has come back now when my key worker is leaving, I am starting school and I am being discharged – I guess it kind of all
ties in.

Mum said that it helps her to relax if she thinks that she is outside a gate, and outside the gate is a tree you can leave all your worries and fears on. The world through the gate is a place
where she loves to be, and she stays there until she is ready to leave. When she goes back through the gate her worries may still be there on the tree, or in a different place. It is then her
choice whether to pick them up or to leave them there hanging on the tree.

I tried and tried to think of a truly happy place, a sanctuary, but I couldn’t think of one where I had only happy memories. This makes me sad.

Sunday 6 January

Today I relaxed and did some art. On the way back to hospital I was thinking about last night and how I couldn’t think of a happy, safe place. I thought about my
whole life, right from the very beginning to where I am now. I thought about my mum’s womb, I know that sounds a bit (well, very) gross, but you’re protected from the world, in a safe
environment. I was loved even though my parents hadn’t met me yet. I was no burden to anyone. You didn’t have to worry about things because things couldn’t worry you. Perhaps this
was sanctuary . . .?

Monday 7 January

I felt very fragile today. I’d put on what felt like loads of weight, and I was dreading this week in itself because my key worker is leaving and I had had hardly
any sleep once again. I felt very low, but I just covered it up, I don’t really know why. I think I just didn’t want to open my box of worries because it was too painful, just too
painful this week.

Tuesday 8 January

There was a new a mission today which was quite hard because it just pulls me back to the illness. On the other side, though, it reminds me that if I keep going the way I
am, I will have a life, and I can achieve this goal. It is getting closer as every day passes.

One of the letters that helped to keep me strong

Wednesday 9 January

In therapy we addressed my bird phobia. We discussed in particular how pheasants are wild birds and therefore quite unpredictable, which means that I am not in control,
and can make me feel vulnerable. However, this fear is obviously affecting my life, and does feel uncontrollable. I am slowly losing one fear of food, but am increasing one of birds.

Thursday 10 January

My key worker’s leaving day. I couldn’t believe that it was finally here. I had my last key session at noon. It was a chance to reflect on all of our memories,
and value the special relationship that we have had.

When it was time for her to leave I just cried and cried. When we hugged goodbye I whispered, ‘Please don’t go.’ She didn’t reply.

I can’t bear the thought that she has left. When someone has been so instrumental in helping you to rebuild your life, of course you don’t want them to go. When I couldn’t see
a light, she held it there for me. She held hope for me when I was utterly hopeless and she kept me safe when I was scared and vulnerable. I will never forget what she has done for me, and how she
has helped me to reshape and turn my life around.