McIver's Mission (28 page)

"Then
Rheanne
was
born." She smiled a little at the memory. "She was so tiny, so
beautiful. The fighting got even worse after that and Gavin—" she
swallowed "—my stepfather, liked to drink. And when he drank, he got
abusive. Just verbally, at first. Then he started to knock my mom around.

"Sometimes he'd hit me, too, although usually he
just ignored me. And I tried to keep
Rheanne
quiet,
so he wouldn't have a reason to yell. So he wouldn't hurt her, too.

"It became harder to hide from him as I got
older. What worried me more than the yelling and hitting, though, was
when—" she took a sip of coffee, continued to stare into the cup
"—when he started paying attention to me. He'd look at me and he'd smile
at me, and I'm not sure I understood why it scared me, but it did. There was
something about the look in his eyes that didn't seem right.

"Sometimes he'd come into the bathroom while I
was in the tub, or into my bedroom while I was changing. And he'd watch me. If
I locked the door, he'd hit me. Then he started touching me."

Somehow he'd known this revelation was coming, yet he
couldn't prevent the churning in the pit of his stomach, or the burning rage
and helplessness.

"He never—" she swallowed "—he never
raped me. But what he did was bad enough."

Shaun didn't know what to say or do. He was appalled
that this man, a man she should have been able to rely on and look up to, had
abused her trust and destroyed her innocence. Shaun wanted to tell her that she
had no reason to be ashamed, but he knew words would be inadequate. He wanted
to hold her, but he was afraid to touch her, afraid she'd shy away from him.

"Did you tell … anyone? Your mother?"

She nodded. "I tried to, anyway. I didn't know
how to explain what he was doing, and she didn't want to hear it. She said only
little girls with naughty secrets locked their doors. And when I told her I
didn't like the way he touched me, she said he was only showing me that he
loved me and…" Her voice faltered, but she drew a deep breath and forged
ahead. "She told me I should be grateful that he was able to love me as if
I was his own daughter."

"Jesus." Shaun couldn't hold back his anger
any longer. "How could she not have known?"

"She didn't want to know." Arden tried to
shrug, but the movement was stiff. "Then Aunt Tess brought Nikki out for a
visit, for my tenth birthday. I don't think she was there two days before she
figured out the situation. Gavin had bought me a new dress for my birthday, and
he insisted on helping me try it on. Aunt Tess came into my room while I was
undressed and found him there.

"She tried to talk to my mother about it. I
overheard them arguing. My mother called her a liar and a troublemaker and told
her to get out of her house.

"The next morning Aunt Tess came back and
threatened to file for legal custody of me and
Rheanne
.
My mother consented to her taking me. I think she was starting to believe that
there was something unnatural in my relationship with my stepfather, but it was
obviously my fault.

"She fought to keep
Rheanne
,
though. After all, she was Gavin's daughter, and she was still in love with
Gavin. I was terrified that
Rheanne
would have to
stay in that house, and that he'd do to her what he'd done to me."

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know. Aunt Tess contacted Family
Services to take
Rheanne
into protective custody
until Tess could be approved as a foster mother. But when she followed up with
the agency,
Rheanne
was already gone." Arden
blinked away the tears that filled her eyes. "She'd been adopted."

"Do you know where she is now?"

Arden looked away. "No."

"What happened to Gavin? Did he go to jail?"

"No, I … he was never charged. The prosecutor who
interviewed me didn't think I'd make a … a credible witness."

"Why not?" Shaun couldn't help but feel
outraged on her behalf.

"Because I didn't want to talk about what he'd
done. I didn't think anyone would believe me. My own mother didn't believe
me."

"Is she still with your stepfather?"

"As far as I know. I haven't even heard from her
in years."

"At least you had your aunt Tess."

Arden nodded. "Yes. And she understood that the
only thing that really mattered to me at the time was getting out of that house
so he couldn't hurt me anymore."

"And that's when she brought you back to
Fairweather
."

She nodded again. "For all intents and purposes,
that's when my life began. I try not to think about anything that happened
before I came to live with her and Nikki. But I know I won't ever forget."

"I'm sorry," Shaun said. "Not just
about everything that happened, but for making you talk about it."

Her shrug was a little more natural this time.
"I've wanted to tell you. I know you deserved to know the truth, but I was
afraid."

"Why?"

She took a deep breath. "The first time I ever
had sex … I was seventeen years old and determined to take back control of my
body. And my life. It was a disaster. I don't imagine any 'first' sexual
experience is ideal, especially when you're seventeen," she admitted.
"But after that I was convinced I wouldn't be missing anything if I never
had sex again.

"And it wasn't until law school that I did. It
was a little better, but I know I was still uncomfortable. It was an effort to
remember that the hands touching me weren't my stepfather's, that I wanted them
on me—or was supposed to, anyway.

"Brad didn't seem to mind that I wasn't very enthusiastic
in the bedroom. He just thought I was inexperienced. He even talked about us
getting married, so I thought I should tell him about my … past."

She got up to pour more coffee.

"When I told him, he didn't want me anymore. I
was, to use his words, 'damaged goods.' He preferred to think I was frigid than
to know what had been done to me."

The rage simmering inside Shaun started to boil,
threatened to spill over. He clamped a lid on his emotions, knowing that Arden
didn't need to deal with those on top of everything else she'd been through.

"I haven't been with anyone else since
then," she told him. "I hadn't wanted to. Until you."

He swallowed. He'd been her first lover in six years?
No wonder she'd seemed hesitant in the beginning, surprised by the intensity of
her own responses. It awed him, that she'd given him the gift of herself, and
it terrified him to think that his touch might bring back unpleasant memories
for her.

He cleared his throat, afraid to ask but needing to
know. "Is it … uh … okay … when we … make love?"

Arden glanced away again, soft color rising in her
cheeks. "It's more than okay. When I'm with you, I don't have to make a
conscious effort to shut out the bad memories. Just being with you does that
for me."

It boggled his mind to think about everything she'd
been through, and how she'd managed to use her experience to become a stronger
and better person. "That's why you do what you do, isn't it?" he
asked. "You want to help the women and children who can't help themselves."
Women like her mother; children like she had been.

She nodded again. "It matters to me to be able to
make a difference for someone. And that," she added, with forced
casualness, "is the sordid story of my life."

"Is that what you thought would change the way I
feel about you?"

"Doesn't it?" she asked.

"No. Yes."

She almost smiled. Her lips started to curve, then
trembled, and he saw the sheen of moisture in her eyes.

"What you told me only reinforces what I already
knew—that you're an incredible woman. You survived a hell that no child should
ever have to endure, and you made yourself into a woman that anyone would be
proud of."

"I can't forget," she said softly. "I
try so hard to block it all out sometimes, and then I feel guilty for
forgetting the good parts." She picked up the photograph again.

"I love you, Arden. I love everything about
you."

She did manage to smile this time. "You keep
telling me that, I might start to believe it."

"I'm counting on it," he told her. And he
was counting on her realizing that love was a positive emotion, and that he
would never use his love to hurt her.

"I still need time, Shaun."

"I know," he admitted. "And I'm trying
to be patient."

"What if I'm never ready for this?"

"You will be," he said. The fact that she'd
opened up to him about her past proved that she was beginning to trust him, and
he knew their relationship could only grow stronger. "And I can be patient
a little while longer."

"What will happen when your patience runs
out?"

"Then we'll get married."

"What?"

He grinned. "You're the woman I'm going to spend
the rest of my life with," he told her. "And I want to have a family
with you. Since I tend to be a traditionalist in certain matters, I'll want you
to marry me first."

"Anything else you want?" she asked dryly.

"Maybe a dog, but that's negotiable."

* * *

Saturday,
when Arden opened the morning newspaper, a letter fell onto the kitchen table.

Shaun, thankfully, was in the shower, and she just
stood there—she didn't know for how long—staring blankly at the white envelope
with her name inscribed on the front in blood-red ink.

She didn't want to touch the envelope. If she picked
it up, if she held it in her hand, it would have to be real. She didn't want it
to be. She didn't want to deal with this anymore.

Tears of anger and frustration filled her eyes,
tightened her throat, immobilized her. She felt the scream build inside,
tearing its way to her throat, clawing for release. She fought it back,
battered it down. She couldn't lose control. She couldn't fall apart. She
couldn't let Shaun know.

After their discussion the previous day, Arden had let
herself believe that she and Shaun might have a future together. His acceptance
of her past had helped her see through the fog of painful memories and focus on
what mattered—the present.

This letter changed everything.

She heard the water shut off and knew Shaun would be
downstairs in a few minutes. She grabbed the envelope and stuffed it into the
pocket of her robe. Then she sat down because she wasn't sure her legs would
continue to support her.

Somehow she made it through the day without revealing
her inner turmoil. Shaun knew she was distracted, edgy, but he probably figured
she was still upset that he'd opened the box of photos. It was easier to let
him believe that than to admit the truth.

She was more than scared now. She was terrified.
Whoever was sending the letters knew that she was staying with Shaun, which
meant that he might be in danger. She couldn't bear to think that he might get
caught in the crossfire.

And that was when she knew she had to leave.

She couldn't go back to Nikki and Colin's. No way
would she put her cousin's family at risk, either. The only choice she had was
to deal with this threat on her own.

She knew he wouldn't accept her decision easily, but
she was determined to make her intentions clear. And if she had to hurt him to
do so, well, she'd rather have him hate her than have him end up dead.

She came down to the kitchen with her briefcase in
hand, the ominous letter tucked safely away inside.

"Where are you going?" Shaun asked.

"To the office," she said, as if it was
perfectly normal for her to go to work early on a Saturday morning. A few weeks
ago it had been. Shaun had changed everything for her.

"I didn't think you had any appointments
today." He poured a mug of coffee, added a splash of milk, and handed it
to her.

She hesitated for a second before accepting the
offering. "I have things to do, and I need some space."

"Space?" he echoed, uncomprehending.
"You can work in the den if you need space."

"I need some personal space. I'm starting to feel
crowded here."

* * *

Personal
space? Crowded? What was she talking about? Then suddenly he knew. She was
trying to brush him off. What he didn't know was—why?

"What's going on, Arden?"

She shrugged, set her untouched mug of coffee aside.
"I can't do this anymore, McIver."

"Do what?" He knew what she was trying to
say, but he wasn't going to make it easy for her. If she was planning to walk,
she'd better damned well explain why.

"This. Us."

"What's the problem?"

"It's getting too intense."

"Too intense?" he echoed, wondering at the
emptiness in his heart. He'd told her that he loved her, and she was backing
away because his feelings were too intense? "I never figured you'd be the
type of person to walk away from something just because it wasn't easy."